HUMOR Digest - 8 Mar 1998 to 9 Mar 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 607 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. "Lebonese Terrorists" and "The Pandaceros"
  2. Golf
  3. Take a Cruise! (2)
  4. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  5. Beer-Hormone Link (off. to women)
  6. Atlanta venting (comments and questions about contemporary life)
  7. Another Idiot Headline
  8. Topical Jokes (some adult themes)
  9. Kissing is GOOD
 10. an advice (not offensive)
 11. The Rabbi's hat
 12. Regarding trains and tornadoes
 13. College Bible

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Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 23:49:12 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: "Lebonese Terrorists" and "The Pandaceros"

A group of Lebenese guerillas were on trial in Beirut for a terrorist
bombing. Jury selection was underway. The group's lawyers believed their
clients were guilty. There was only one way that the terrorists could
get away with anything less than a death sentence. That was to stack the
jury with people who were sympathetic to their cause. In other words,
.... Life is just Hezbollah juries.
			- - - - - - - - - -

In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering have
become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of genetic
experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not the Dr.
Moreau immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but the real
Pierrre Moreau who actually attempted to form new species from unrelated
animals. Most of his experiments failed. Most of the documents that
survived deal with his attempts to cross a dog and a cat, but none lived
more than a few hours after birth. His studies were ridiculed by the
French Academy of Science and he died in disgrace not realizing he was a
hundred years before his time.

He had only a single success, which occurred when he cloned the
chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China. Only
one of this new species, which he called a pandoceros survived beyond
infancy but with dilegence and care, one did grow to full maturity.

This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500 pounds.
It had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch hollow
cylindrical horn on its forehead. The horn communicated through a canal
with the posterior pharynx, which, unlike the elephant which uses its
trunk to breathe, was primary used for feeding. His daily supply of
bamboo shoots and berries was placed in the horn and with the use of a
plunger-like devise invented by Dr. Moreau, the beast could get its
frequent feedings as it desired.

It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with
children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This made
commercial production of pandaceri uneconomical, and the process was
never repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples.

In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories, Moreau
sold his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was the
premier attraction for two years before its untimely death from
pneumonia. Visitors from throughout the world travelled to have an
opportunity to pet this wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus de
Royal was the most talked about and visited entertainment center in all
of Europe.

Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world's only
pandacerus, there are few still alive that remember their trips to the
circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent ....
furry with the syringe on the top.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 03:00:52 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Golf

*   A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love.  They were
  discussing how they would continue the relationship after
  their vacations were over.
    "It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said.  "I'm a golf
  nut.  I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
    "Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said.
  "I'm a hooker."
    "I see." he said.  Then brightening, he smiled.  "It's
  probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight
  when you hit the ball."
                                - - - - -

* Mrs JimJr says men are strange.  They'll gladly walk 36
  holes of golf, but won't get up to get a beer at home.
                                - - - - -

*   A friend of mine, Dan, is a really tuff guy -- a fanatic in
  fact, when it comes to golf.  He invited me to play at his
  club one time.  I got off to a pretty bad start and after a
  while, I hit a really bad shot.  I said, "This is the tuffest
  course I've ever seen."
    Dan replied, "How would you know ?  You haven't been on it."
                                - - - - -

*   After a not so terrific game Dan and I were heading towards
  the ClubHouse for drinks and I said to Dan, "What do you think
  I should give my caddie ?"
    Dan replied under his breath, "How about your clubs ?"
                                - - - - -

* Actually I've come to understand why they call it "golf".
  All of the other four letter words were taken.
                                - - - - -

* In the US, Sunday is the day that most of us bow our heads.
  Some are in Church -- the rest are out playing golf.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 12:31:13 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Take a Cruise!

"Enter to Win!!  A three night cruise for two..."

-- Seen outside an Indianapolis (Indiana) travel agency,
   next to a poster for the movie "Titanic"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 12:41:08 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, OJ Simpson, men, Au
Pairs, residents of New Jersey, homosexuals, ancient entertainers,
Amtrak, fast food preparers.

The Los Angeles Zoo recently gave a love tour allowing people to watch
animals mate in their natural habitat. It's the West Coast version of
the White House tour.

El Nino has given us here in Southern California a little break. The
forecast calls for clear skies with only a 30% chance of scattered
houses.

Oprah Winfrey was cleared of charges she slandered the beef industry.
It's a good thing too. Can you imagine how stupid we would look to the
rest of the world if we let OJ and Louise Woodward go free, but threw
Oprah in jail for insulting a hamburger? (Leno)

Pamela Lee filed for divorce. California is a community property state,
so things will be divided equally. Tommy will get the two overstuffed
divans, Pamela will keep her breasts. No word yet on who gets custody
of the camcorder.

President Clinton challenged the nation to come up with an AIDS vaccine
in 10 years. He compared it to the time when Kennedy challenged
Americans to put a man on the moon in 10 years, but he went to far when
he said this will be one small step for man, and one giant leap for
man's behind. (Maher)

New research says the inner ear of lesbians are less sensitive than
those of heterosexual women and more like men's ears. Does this mean
they don't listen either?

Gay couples in New Jersey can now adopt foster children. Conservatives
denounced the idea, saying "It's cruel and immoral to raise children in
an environment like... New Jersey." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

AT&T, MCI, Sprint and 30 foreign long distance companies plan to build
an undersea fiber optic cable system. The project may take awhile -
someone in each country has to wait there between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. for
the installer.

Fred Goldman will host a new TV show called "Search for Justice".
Doesn't he know that any chance of neing taken seriously was killed by
that mustache?

Marth Stewart is suing the National Enquirer for claiming she had a
borderline personality disorder. This will settle an important legal
issue" Sould a subpoena be served before or after dinner?

Two New Zealand playwrights say the idea for "The Full Monty" was
stolen form their 1987 play. They plan to take the movie's producers to
court and sue their pants off.

Big news for paleontologists: in Argentina they found what might be the
link between birds and dinosaurs. They don't want to get too excited
because it might just be Phyllis Diller. (Maher)

World famous mime Marcel Marceau, 74, appeared at the Wiltern Theatre
recently. He may be the greatest mime ever. The day he dies, we should
all pause for a moment of noise.

Rolls Royce introduced its first totally new car in 18 years, selling
for $216,000. It sounds like a lot, but that does come with Grey
Poupon. The car is so luxurious that if you have an accident, instead
of an airbag, a little pillow comes out with a mint on it. (Leno)

Japan has built a train that goes 329 miles an hour by floating a
fraction of an inch above the tracks. Forget speed - I'd be happy if
Amtrak could just keep its trains that close to the track.

A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.
(Carlin)

You know the little Chihuahua in the Taco Bell ads? Apparently he was
rescued from a dog pound before being put to death. So, I guess either
way he would have ended up at Taco Bell. (Leno)

COMMENTARY: The other night on cable they showed "The English Patient"
and "Bridges of Madison County" back to back. You know what drives me
nuts? Every woman you talk to who saw these movies says, "Oh, The
English Patient was so romantic. She was so in love. Oh, in Bridges of
Madison County Meryl Streep was so in love. It was so romantic." Blah
blah blah. Isn't there some kind of double standard here? In both
movies, women commit adultry, but these are supposed to romantic love
stories. I don't hear women saying, "Oh poor Frank Gifford, torn
between Kathie Lee and the flight attendant. What a romantic story. He
loved them both..." (Leno)

And finally, I had an idea for a film. It would be titled "Sorry, This
Theater Closed for Remodeling" just because I'd love to hear the
recorded show listings when I call the theater: And in theater number
3, "Sorry, This Theater Closed for Remodeling".

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 14:24:17 -0500
From:    Beth Frantz <efrantz@ANNA-MARIA.EDU>
Subject: Beer-Hormone Link (off. to women)

Received from a friend:

TESTS SHOW BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES

Yesterday, scientists in the US revealed that beer contains small traces
of female hormones.  To prove their theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of
beer each and observed that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning,
started talking nonsense, and couldn't drive.

Beth Frantz; Music Therapy Major
Anna Maria College
Paxton, MA

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 14:54:57 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Atlanta venting (comments and questions about contemporary life)

Why do Monica Lewinsky and Saddam Hussein wear the same beret? Is
Bill Clinton passing out gift to everybody?

To the scientist developing the passion pill: Hurry, I'm 72 years old!

Why do people who know the least seem always to know it the loudest?

Is it true Saddam backed down when he heard Clinton planned to send
in the postal employees?

My daughter stayed home from school sick today, and her sister told
her not to get on the computer because she might give it a virus.

Before trains were invented, what did tornadoes sound like?

My husband vowed to love me in sickness and in health. Then, I had
one small attack of nymphomania, and he took off.

I'm finally old enough to get a senior discount, but I can never
remember to ask for it.

We need more Winter Olympic gold medals. Let's move basketball to the
Winter Games where it belongs.

The Winter Olympics has the luge, so why can't the Summer Olympics
have a huge waterslide race?

source: Selected from Atlanta Journal/Constitution's column the Vent.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 15:08:50 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Another Idiot Headline

Jack Shea's post about no-brainer headlines reminds me of one I saw in the
nationally recognized, award-winning, bastion of liberalism daily paper on
my campus known as the Daily Northwestern. The headline read as follows:

"Report shows loans leave students in debt"

I knew there was a catch to all that financial aid I was getting. Of
course, this comes from the same newspaper that once reported in their
police blotter that a 60-year-old Chicago man who hit an Evanston police
officer's car with his own was arrested for "drinking under the influence."


* I think all cats are wild cats.  They just act tame if they think
  they'll get a saucer of milk out of it.
                          ---"Last Chance To See" by Douglas Adams

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 15:36:38 -0600
From:    Thomas Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Re: Take a Cruise!

> "Enter to Win!!  A three night cruise for two..."
>
> -- Seen outside an Indianapolis (Indiana) travel
> agency, next to a poster for the movie "Titanic"

You know, this brings up another thing.

I'm all for preventing abuse of those who can't protect themselves, but
our society has gone 'way too far.  Has anyone sat through the credits of
Titanic?  I just couldn't believe it when I read:

"No actual icebergs were harmed in the making of this film."


http://home.earthlink.net/~twideman/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 18:02:26 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Topical Jokes (some adult themes)

An appeals court has blocked a judge's order allowing Robert Downey,
Jr. to leave his cell to do film work. Don't worry, though -- Downey
is expected to star in an impromptu version of "Deliverance" put on by
the Cell Block A Repertory Company.

PBS stations nationwide are broadcasting 90-minutes of the Rolling
Stones 'Bridges to Babylon' tour. For those intellectuals new to rock
and roll: do not adjust your television set. Keith Richards just looks
like that.

It's a big day for the Independent Counsel. Today, he will pass our
Sun as the longest continually burning Starr in our Solar System.

Jodie Foster is pregnant, and here's a tip for John Hinckley: the life
of President Reagan is generally not considered an appropriate baby
shower gift!

Scott Ritter, the controversial U.N. weapons inspector, returns to
Baghdad. Iraq should be glad we aren't sending John Ritter -- then
there would be some crazy mix-up where he thought the Iraquis were
talking about sex and accused Ambassador Roper of having an affair
with one of the girls! Oy-vay!

NASA is reporting their may be ten billion gallons of water on the
moon. Nine billion gallons, however, is from various leaks from the
orbiting Mir space lemon.

Physicist Stephen Hawking amused and educated the White House in a
lecture on science in the 21st century. Hawking explained, in layman's
terms, the complicated inverse relationship between the age of his
wives and himself.

The world's leading infectious disease scientists are meeting in
Atlanta to discuss how we can better protect ourselves from
infections. The conference opening ceremony was delayed 2 hours to
allow the delegates time to finish washing their hands.

Air Force Lt. Col. Eileen Marie Collins has been named the first
female space shuttle commander. It's been arranged that when the men
are in charge, they will study Mars, and whe she is in charge, they
will study Venus.

Someone leaked President Clinton's entire deposition in the Paula
Jones case, and in it he's questioned about relations with 7 women.
This must be that must be that "G-7" group they are always talking
about.

Mariah Carey officially ended her union with Sony Music exec Tommy
Mottola, or as she likes to call him, her "B-Side."

This just in from London: Fergie admits she still lives with her
ex-husband, Prince Andrew and Camilla Parker-Bowles is said to be
spending nights at Prince Charles' place. There appears to be no
resolution until they all appear on the next Jerry Springer show.


Original Humor Content; Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 23:12:18 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Kissing is GOOD

Kissing is Good for you because...

..it helps prevent tooth decay. Dr. Peter Gorden, Dental Advisor at the
British Dental Association, explains. "After eating, your mouth is full
of sugar solution and acidic saliva, which cause plaque build up.
Kissing is nature's own cleaning process," he adds. "It stimulates
saliva flow and brings plaque levels down to normal."

..it relieves tension. A passionate kiss is a great relaxation
technique, says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. " When your
mouth is in a kissing position, you're almost smiling and, as our
emotions and body language are so closely linked, it's almost impossible
to smile and feel tense at the same time," she explains. "Also, your
breathing becomes deeper and your eyes close when you kiss - that's what
you do when you relax. It's a perfect way to shut out the world."

..it helps you lose weight. "A long kiss makes the metabolism burn up
sugar faster than usual," says Claire Potter. "The calories burned
depend on the intensity, but you can rely on 10 calories for every 10
minutes."

..it slows the aging process. "Kissing helps to tone your cheek and jaw
muscles, so they're less likely to sag," says Cosmo's Fitness
Consultant, Claire Potter.

..it increases fitness levels. Your heart is pumping, your pulse is
racing... "If kissing is exciting, you release adrenaline into the
bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body," says Dr.
Susan Hotchkies. "It's a great cardiovascular workout."

..it is a good indication of what's to come. Kissing a new man gives you
the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones - the chemical
messengers that signal sexual attraction. " The first kiss is always a
good way to work out if there's any chemistry between you," says Paul
Brown, a sexual and marital therapist. "In humans, it's thought that
smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your
pheromones aren't 'in tune', you're unlikely to hit off in other areas."

And finally,

..it boosts self - esteem. There's nothing better than a passionate kiss
for a major dose of feel - good factor. "In theory, when you're kissing,
you're happy. And when you're happy, you feel good about yourself," says
psychotherapist Paul Zeal.

                             Doesn't This Make You Feel
                             Like Kissing Someone Now?


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 06:39:40 +0800
From:    Darren <chngch@SINGNET.COM.SG>
Subject: an advice (not offensive)

(from MECOMAN in alt.quotations)

It is preferential to refrain from the utilization of grandiose verbiage
in the circumstance that your intellectualization can be expressed using
comparatively simplistic lexicological entities.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 18:31:57 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: The Rabbi's hat

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind
blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk
fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has
happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I
don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says.  "Thank
you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May G-d
bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been  blessed by the Rabbi, this
must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race  he
sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure  enough
the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at
30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him
where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by
him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat
in their names. "So where's the money" she says?

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named
Yarmulka."


http://www.rcjokelist.com

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 00:01:43 -0600
From:    Thomas Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Regarding trains and tornadoes

A previous post asked:
> Before trains were invented, what did tornadoes sound like?

The real question is, how did tornadoes know where to aim before there
were mobile homes?


http://home.earthlink.net/~twideman/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 00:46:35 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: College Bible

Reprinted from dogbyte@netzone.com.

TOP WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT
 IF IT WERE WRITTEN BY COLLEGE STUDENTS

 12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.

 11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

 10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and
     written in a large font.

 9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

 8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

 7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes
    Paul's E-Mail To: abuse@romans.gov

 6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

 5. The place where the end of the world occurs:
    Finals, not Armageddon.

 4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.

 3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
    They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

 2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
    seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was
    due and then pulled an all-nighter.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Mar 1998 to 9 Mar 1998
**********************************************

