HUMOR Digest - 7 Mar 1998 to 8 Mar 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 551 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sense and Nonsense
  2. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  3. Hey, What's the Definition of:
  4. How To Photograph A Puppy...
  5. Things not to say to a cop. (off to Cops & Texans)
  6. Useful Computer Acronyms
  7. Microsoft Baby (off to Billy :o)
  8. No Brainer Headlines

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Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 03:09:51 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sense and Nonsense

* My Great-Grandfather always said, "If you can make love to a
  woman as long as it takes to cook a chicken, then, you're a
  man."  Unfortunately, my Great-Grandfather never foresaw the
  advent of the microwave oven.
                                - - - - -

*   Tom enters his usual watering hole and sits down, elbows
  on the bar.  The bartender comes over and says, "What's the
  matter ?  I've never seen you looking so depressed."
    Tom sighed and replied, "I had to shoot my dog."
    The barkeep said, "Was he mad ?"
    Tom replied, "Well...  he wasn't exactly pleased."
                                - - - - -

*   Mrs JimJr went up to the Glenelg Post Office to pick up a
  package, and the clerk asked, "Is this one yours ?  The name
  is obliterated."
    Mrs JimJr replied, "Can't be.  My name is Moore."
                                - - - - -

* Liberal Arts student to his date: "Do you enjoy Kipling ?"
  She replied, "I'm not sure.  How do you kipple ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Being on a low fat diet, I'm not really supposed to have real
  ice cream.  I asked a waiter once if the ice cream was pure.
    He replied, "As pure as the girl of your dreams."
    I said, "Oh.  Well, bring me some sherbet instead then."
                                - - - - -

*   What do the people in Arkansas call a politician with an IQ
  over 70 ? .......... "Governor"
    Of course, now they call him "Mr. President".


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 02:36:47 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to American politicians, lugers, older
rockers, double murderers, jaywalkers, homosexuals, anybody from
Kansas. Includes several sexual references.

A new study shows that 40% of workplace romances lead to marriage. The
other 60% lead to impeachment. (O'Brien)

Hillary Clinton's title has been officially changed from "first lady"
to "fifth or sixth lady". (Letterman)

Hillary has started a Web site devoted to first ladies, however, in
order to download any information you have to have a subpoena. (Cutler
Daily Scoop)

The US military had dubbed the aborted Iraq attack Operation Desert
Thunder. Several other names were considered, including "Operation Take
the Heat Off the President by Focusing Attention Away From Monica
Lewinsky."

Utah will host the next Winter Olympics in 2002. Things will be a lot
more conservative in Utah. For example, in the two man luge, they will
have a chaperon lie between the two guys. (Leno)

At the Grammy Awards, Keith Richards became the first performer ever to
accept a posthumous award in person. (Leno)

A series of distress messages from the Titanic sold at auction for
$123,000. You can tell they were trying to put a positive spin on
things right up to the end, as they announced, "The midnight buffet
this evening is seafood."

In a recent interview, OJ Simpson told an interviewer how difficult it
is to be a single parent. I thought to myself... well whose fault is
that? (Letterman)

Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop turned down an offer to be
buried at Arlington National Cemetery, saying "It's a nice gesture, but
I'm still alive." (O'Brien)

A West Virginia state Senate committee approved a bill that would
legalize collecting and eating road kill. This adds a frightening new
dimension to jaywalking.

Frank Gifford made a surprise walk on appearance on Regis and Kathy
Lee. This was not the first time Frank surprised Kathie Lee on video.
(Letterman)

In Toronto, Canada, there is a museum that displays nothing but
different types of contraceptive devices. Of course, here in America we
have a similar place - we call it the White House. (Leno)

Sportscaster Marv Albert recently celebrated his 54th birthday. After
opening presents, his friends took him out for a quick bite.

American students scored lowest in the world in math. Of course, the
Clinton administration counts on this - that the American public will
not be able to put two and two together. (Letterman)

A 30 second commercial on the final episode of "Seinfeld" is expected
to cost around $2 million. To pay for the commercials, commercials will
show commercials during the commercials.

The Superintendent of the Oakland, California, school district who was
criticized for promoting ebonics is taking another job, or as she so
eloquently stated in her resignation letter, "I be jammin'."

A kindergartner was arrested for biting a teacher. The 5 year old was
taken to police headquarters for a mug shot and finger painting.

Reports show that 71% of chickens carry disease causing bacteria. The
remaining 29% are crossing the road for a wide variety of cheesy punch
lines.

Of course, this whole chicken flu thing brings up an interesting
question. If you get the chicken flu, and your mom brings you chicken
soup, do you get better or worse? (Leno)

There's a new gay doll on the market. Apparently, they are selling
millions of these things. Don't ask where the batteries go... (Leno)

Kansas lawmakers recently made the polka the official state ethnic
dance, and square dancing the official state folk dance. I wonder what
Dr. Kevorkian charges to do an entire state...? (Miller)

At the medicinal marijuana conference at UC Irvine, a new product was
introduced: cannibus butter, made from hemp. They're calling it "I
Can't Believe It's Not Marijuana." (Leno)

And finally, Bob Russell, co-creator of the TV game show "Name That
Tune", has died. The funeral featured the usual eulogies, followed by
an organ solo of the first three notes of "Amazing Grace."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 00:26:52 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Hey, What's the Definition of:

Hey, What's the Definition of...

Abusive .... What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?

Ambivalance .... Well, it could be yes and it could be no.

Amnesia .... I forget.

Antipathy .... You would have to ask me that.

Amorous .... I love the way you ask that question.

Apathy  .... I don't care.

Apologetic .... I'm sorry that you have to ask me that.

Argumenative .... Are you looking for a fight?

Authoritarian .... I'll tell you when you can ask me questions!

Bigotry ....  I'm not going to tell someone like you.

Blasphemous .... God Dammit, I told you not to ask!

Compulsive .... I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!

Conditional .... Well, it depends.

Damnation .... You and your questions can go to hell!

Depressed .... You would have to ask me that.

Dyslexic ....  Gniees sdrawkcab.

Egotistical ....  I'm the best person to answer that question.

Evasive ....  Have you done your homework today?

Exhausted ....  I'm too tired to answer you right now.

Flatulent ....  That question really stinks!

Greedy .... What's in it for me if I tell you?

Hemorrhoids ....  You know, this is a real pain in the butt!

Hostility .... If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!

Hypochondriacal .... The thought of it makes me sick.

Ignorance ....  I don't know.

Indifference .... It doesn't matter.

Influenza ....  You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insecure .... I don't think I want to know thesanswer to that question.

Insensitive ....  I don't care if you don't know the answer.

Insomnia .... I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Intoxicated ....  ** BURP **

Irreverent ....  I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Masturbation ....  I can single-handedly answer that question.

Narcissism ....  Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

Nausea ....  That question is going to make me vomit.

Nonchalant ....  It's not important.

Obstinate .... I'm not going to tell you.

Over-Protective .... I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

Over-Sensitive .... How could you ask me a question like that?

Paranoid .... You think I don't know the answer, don't you?

Pessimistic .... I'm sure I won't give the right answer.

Procrastination .... I'll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive .... I already told you the answer once before.

Sarcastic .... That's a stupid question to ask me.

Secretive .... I can't tell you right now.

Seductive .... Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.

Self-Centered .... Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Senile ....  When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.

Subjective .... It's all in how you look at the question.

Suspicious .... Why are you asking me all these questions?

Temperamental .... What the heck do you want to know that for???

Withdrawn ....

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 11:26:07 EST
From:    TheMan5000 <TheMan5000@AOL.COM>
Subject: How To Photograph A Puppy...

1. Remove film from box and load camera

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle

4. Choose a suitable background for photo

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose

13. Put magazines back on coffee table

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
    No, outside!"

17. Call someone to help clean up mess

18. Fix a drink

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with large, strong drink and resolve to teach
    puppy"sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning


* "Happiness is a warm puppy,"  said the anaconda.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 09:43:24 -0700
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Things not to say to a cop. (off to Cops & Texans)

 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!
    Good job!

 5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

 6. Sorry Officer, I was day Dreaming.

 7. Are we going to be on that TV show "COPS"?

 8. Oh good, it just you.  I thought it was that bounty hunter after me!

 9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Do you know how stupid you look in that costume?

11. Look, I'm really in a hurry.  I need to make it to the FBI building
    with this fertilizer and chemicals before it closes today.

12. Lets play "Cops & Robbers".  I'm the Cop and your theRobber. Ok?

13. I pay your salary!

14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
    warning, too!

16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no
    other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun
    fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas
    pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
    (Also OK in Texas).


 http://members.tripod.com/scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 20:26:20 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Useful Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA  People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN    It Still Does Nothing
APPLE   Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI    System Can't See It
DOS     Defunct Operating System
BASIC   Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM     I Blame Microsoft
DEC     Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM  Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2    Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW     World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 20:50:55 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Microsoft Baby (off to Billy :o)

For the first time in, oh.. a decade, I think, something from Microsoft
shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces,
when she was downloaded, er.. born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party
   support.

2. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.

3. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which
   proceeded them.

4. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow
   and grow and grow with each passing year.

5. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

6. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and
   the actual release.

7. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 00:32:27 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: No Brainer Headlines

Subject: No Brainer Headlines

(from the Notebook pages of the New Republic)

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
        Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
        Holland Sentinel, date unknown

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
        New York Times, Nov. 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
        Los Angeles Times, Nov. 2

'Light' Meals Lower In Fat, Calories
        Huntington Herald-Dispatch, Nov. 30

Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking
        Hartford Courant, Nov. 18

Malls Try To Attract Shoppers
        Baltimore Sun, Oct. 22

Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought
        Herald-News, Westport, MA (date unknown)

Teen-age Girls Often Have Babies Fathered By Men
        Sunday Oregonian, Sept. 24

Low Wages Said Key To Poverty
        Newsday, Jul 11

Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete
        Miami Herald, Jul 3

Tomatoes Come In Big, Little, Medium Sizes
        Daily Progress, Charlottesville, VA, Mar 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
        New York Times, Mar 10

Man Run Over By Freight Train Dies
        Los Angeles Times, Mar 2

Scientists See Quakes In L.A. Future
        The Oregonian, Jan 28

Wachtler Tells Graduates That Life In Jail Is Demeaning
        Buffalo News, Feb 26

Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out In The Cold
        Lexington herald-Leader, Jan 26

Prosecution Paints O.J. As A Wife-Killer
        Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, Jan 25

Economist Uses Theory To Explain Economy
        Collinsville Herald-Journal, Feb 8

Bible Church's Focus Is The Bible
        St. Augustine Record, Dec 3

Clinton Pledges Restraint In Use Of Nuclear Weapons
        Cedar Rapids Gazette, Apr 6

Discoveries: Older Blacks Have Edge In Longevity
        Chicago Tribune, Mar 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
        Journal of Commerce, Apr 20

Biting Nails Can Be Sign Of Tenseness In A Person
        Daily Gazette of Schenectady, May 2

Lack Of Brains Hinders Research
        Columbus Dispatch, Apr 16

How We Feel About Ourselves Is The Core Of
Self-Esteem, Says Author Louise Hart
        Boulder Sunday Camera, Feb 5

[and my favorite)

Fish Lurk In Streams
        Rochester Democrat & Chronicle, Jan 29

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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Mar 1998 to 8 Mar 1998
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