HUMOR Digest - 6 Mar 1998 to 7 Mar 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 347 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Milford Mill, Class of '59
  2. Being thankful <off. to Catholics>
  3. "The Shrunken Man" and "The Flower King"
  4. Re-Run: (3 y.) Let the Men of Wisdom SPEAK <adult>
  5. Leroy's Vocabulary Test <adult themes>
  6. Man vs Wooman!!!! (extremely off. to women)
  7. The Party <adult>

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Date:    Fri, 6 Mar 1998 03:31:57 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Milford Mill, Class of '59

*   Not sure about other systems, but in Baltimore County
  Maryland schools, where I attended high school, the 50's
  were the very first sex education classes.  Naturally,
  some of the teachers were embarrassed and used only very
  carefully chosen words.
    In one class, the teacher was explaining the anatomy of
  the male genitalia.  He said, "The human male testicles are
  about the size of Plover's eggs."
    A female voice from the back quipped, "Hey...  Neat !!!
  I've always wondered how big Plover's eggs were."
                                - - - - -

*   Another teacher, who used to drone on and on, wanted to see
  if anyone was paying attention so she lapsed into doubletalk
  during a Biology class.
    "The problems associated with durnamic smolg is resorial &
  reforminating pullic garbistan.  As you know by now, wallage,
  brough tabs and occasionally blinger twetchel are the only
  possible remedies.  Now are there any questions ?"
    The brain of the class promptly asked, "Yes.  What in the
  world are brough tabs ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The students were slow in bringing in their money for the
  Yearbooks.  Miss Riley, my English and Homeroom teacher said,
  "Just think, 25 years from now, you can say, 'There's Bill,
  he's a famous doctor now, and there's Jeannie, a star with
  the ballet, and there's...'"
    A voice from the back interrupted, "Miss Riley, our English
  teacher -- she's dead !"
                                - - - - -

*   A pep talk from our history teacher, Mr. Vice (I swear y'all,
  that REALLY was his name) was not unusual during class.  One day
  he said, "Remember, on every door you encounter in life, there's
  a little sign to remind you to 'push'."
    "Yeah !" replied a cynic from the rear of the room. "And on
  the other side it says 'pull'."
                                - - - - -

*   One day our Trig teacher, a mild lil' man, said, "I will not
  begin teaching today until the room settles down."
    A worldly teen named Nick said, "Go home and sleep it off."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 7 Mar 1998 04:16:00 +0800
From:    Jie Dy <drhojie@NTEP.NEC.CO.JP>
Subject: Being thankful <off. to Catholics>

Last week, a friend of mine called me up worrying over his mountain
bike. He said he went to the park with his bike but went home
without it. Being a very busy person, he just remembered that he
left his bike at the mall two days earlier. That very day, he went
back to the park to see his bike still intact. Being Catholic, he
decided to offer a mass for the return of his bicycle. He hurriedly
went to the church, chained his bike to a post, and went inside to
hear mass. He went out after the mass to see only the broken
chains....

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Mar 1998 00:59:36 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: "The Shrunken Man" and "The Flower King"

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on
himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process,
and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal
lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminuitive size
didn't affect Walter's work too much. Still, after a while, Walter began
to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly
unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night,
shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could
figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times
Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it
seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the
lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally
agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on
the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and
when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size
as they were before. "What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes
saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her
shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all
because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows .... you
can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink..

Far off in another galaxy was a planet inhabited only by walking,
talking flowers. The king, a red carnation, had fallen in love with a
common daisy. Unfortunately, she was far below his station, and in
addition to having a rather spotty reputation, she posessed an equally
spotty education. It was clear she would never fit in with royalty. The
king's ministers suggested that the only way he could possibly marry
this lovely young daisy was to educate her in the ways of higher
society. He hired the very best teachers he could find. They drilled her
in all the fine arts, taking her to the opera and to the ballet. They
introduced her to the best literature, and to philosophy. Every thing
they did however, seemed lost on the king's intended bride. None of the
teaching had any effect. Their efforts continued on and on, but she
never showed a glimmer of inteligence. At last, the king, in utter
defeat, cried out, "It's no use! .... I can lead a horticulture, but I
can't make her think!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Mar 1998 11:16:59 +0200
From:    Alar ''The Joker'' <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: Re-Run: (3 y.) Let the Men of Wisdom SPEAK <adult>

Originally From: Scott Cypher
           Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 21:06:41 -0500

Let the Men of Wisdom SPEAK!

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw
any reason to limit myself. -Emo Phillips

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweetcorn
-Garrison Keillor

"Nothing is so prone to contaminate-under certain circumstances, even
to exhaust-the source of all noble and ideal sentiments...as the
practice of masturbation in the early years"
-Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing

I was the best I ever had
-Woody Allen

"I am so tired of all this talk about "straight" and "gay."  You
cannot seperate men into two camps, "straight" and "gay."  That's just
an effort to divide and weaken men.  The truth is, there are two kinds
of men:  men who look good in a tank top and men who don't.  And the
ones who do are insufferable."
-Roy Blount, Jr.

"Some people have big ones; some people have little ones.  Women have
been shorted on them.  Nobody really want to know-but, on the other
hand, everbody does want to know how his stacks up next to the other
fellow's.  It's not so much the size of them as what you do with them
and what goes along with them (Sure!)  There is a taboo against
revealing them....SALARIES."
-Roy Blount, Jr.


Alar Pardla's Joke Collection... Collected humor since 1994
http://fun.ee/jokes/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 06:49:28 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Leroy's Vocabulary Test <adult themes>

Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment.
Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper.
He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.
Here's what he handed in:

 1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day,
    man I was HONOROLL.

 2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

 3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle.
    He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

 4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job,  OMELETTE go after a week.

 5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

 6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said,
    "Gimme one MOBILE."

 7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

 8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

 9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the
    field and smoke weed.

10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA
    spare some change.

13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points.
    My coach said, "DATA boy!"

15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up,
    I said, "COPULATE!"

16. FASCINATE - My girly's titties are so big. Her shirt has ten
    buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

17. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this
    BEWARE I get a job?"

18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.

19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be
    thrown out the COATROOM."

20. DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of
    bitches on DECIDE.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Mar 1998 09:14:33 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Man vs Wooman!!!! (extremely off. to women)

 Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
 Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
			_____________________
 Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
 So they can stand closer to the sink
			_____________________
 How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
 When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
			_____________________
 How do you fix a woman's watch?
 You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
			_____________________
 Why do men die before their wives?
 They want to.
			_____________________

 How many men does it take to open a beer?
 None. The woman should have opened it by the time she brings it to the
 man on the couch.
			_____________________
 One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what!
 I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
 The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
			_____________________
 What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
 You make the chain shorter.
			_____________________
 What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
 A woman that won't do what she's told!
			_____________________
 Why did the woman cross the road?
 Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???
			_____________________
 I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
			_____________________
 It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems
 longer.
			_____________________
 Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
			_____________________
 Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
 Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light
 on.
			_____________________
 Husband: Put your coat on love, I'm going to the bar.
 Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink?
 Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heat off...
			_____________________
 Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
 So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
			_____________________
 I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
			_____________________
 What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
 Divorced.
			_____________________
 Why do women like intelligent men?
 Opposites attract.
			_____________________
 Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
			_____________________
 A man is incomplete until he is married.
 After that, he is finished.
			_____________________
 Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
			_____________________
 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by
 90 percent........A wedding cake!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Mar 1998 14:41:14 -0800
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: The Party <adult>

After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache,
cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way
downstairs, where his wife was preparing breakfast.
"Gina," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I
think?"
"Even worse," she declared, her voice dripping with scorn. "You made a
complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of
directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!"
"He's an jerk, piss on him."
"You did," Gina informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Mar 1998 to 7 Mar 1998
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