HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 1998 to 6 Mar 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 554 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Jay Leno <adult>
  2. The Irish Countess
  3. Moore on Yuppies
  4. Top5 - 3/5/98 - Worst-Selling Hardware Items (Part II)
  5. Bill Clinton's Favorite Things <off., adult themes>
  6. Humor:things that tick me off(adult language)
  7. Big bite!
  8. An ironic thought (mildly suggestive)
  9. Cynical questions & comments as humor
 10. The job (may be offensive to the Irish)
 11. Shakespeare meets Lucas
 12. How rich he is?
 13. How to give your cat a pill
 14. medical pun <clean>
 15. Road Sign

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Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 00:13:26 -0800
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Jay Leno <adult>

Monica Lewinsky jokes:

Monica Lewinsky won a Grammy Award for "Best Organ Recital".

The Alaskan sled-dog race, the "Iditarod", is being run this week;
coincidentally, Monica's autobiography has the same name.

An Olympic Gold medal was won by "Leaping-Lepinsky",
not to be confused with "Kneeling-Lewinsky".

Arsenio Hall (guest on Jay's show) said: Pres. Clinton
used to "play" a saxophone, now Clinton "is" a saxophone.
---------------------------

Tommy Lee jokes:

Rock-musician Tommy Lee was released on $500,000 bail
for battery of his buxom wife Pamela (Anderson) Lee.
Pamela Lee is suing for divorce.
Tommy says he misses "his two bouncing babies",
and he also misses the kids.

Tommy Lee is going to plead "innocent".
Apparently, he's going to team up with O.J. Simpson
and they'll both search for the "real" wife-beaters.

Tommy Lee will be judged by a jury of his peers;
it's obvious from viewing the "Tommy-Pamela-sex-video",
the result will be a "hung" jury.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Mar 1998 23:15:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Irish Countess

Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband,
the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the
Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour of
the area early the next morning. Lura had developed a good tan a month
earlier on the beach at Nice, but now she noticed that it was beginning
to fade. Not having anything scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket
and wandered off in search of a secluded spot where she could touch up
the tan a bit. Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize that at high
attitudes the rays of the sun were much more damaging than at sea level.
Even worse, she fell asleep. She awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable.
Dressing gingerly, she limped back to the hotel to have her husband
assess the damages and the prospects for the morrow. After one look he
delivered his verdict: "Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 03:23:01 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore on Yuppies

*   A Yuppette got married and elected to take a leave of
  absence from work to set-up and decorate their new home.
    A co-worker stopped by to see how she was doing, away
  from the usual workplace.
    "Just fine." beamed the new bride.  "John's giving me
  everything I ask for."
    "You're not asking for enough !" replied her friend.
                        - - - - -

*   A Yuppie wanted to experience country living so he bought
  a dairy farm in the Western part of Howard County.
    Taking some friends from Columbia on a tour, one asked,
  "Do all these cows give milk ?"
    "Hiram." he replied with pride, "In my tax bracket, they
  they don't have to."
                        - - - - -

* The Yuppie Mother was seeking advice from her own Mother
  as to how to make her children appreciate things they take
  for granted.  "I mean really Mother." she said. "Somehow
  it just doesn't sound right when I tell them to appreciate
  their air-conditioned sandbox because there are kids over
  in Africa sweating."
                        - - - - -

*   At a restaurant in Columbia Maryland, a man lost his wallet
  with all of his credit cards and a thousand dollars in cash.
  Using the public address system he announced, "I'll give one
  hundred dollars to anyone who returns my wallet and money."
    Another Yuppie jumped to his feet and said, "I'll make that
  two hundred and a free dinner."
                        - - - - -

*   I was commenting on the size of a birdhouse and feeder I
  saw in the yard of a Yuppette acquaintance of mine.
    She said, "Well...  the salad bar takes up most of the
  space."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 06:02:11 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/5/98 - Worst-Selling Hardware Items (Part II)

                         March 5, 1998

    The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II)

16> The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead

15> The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder

14> Black and Decker Nipple Sanders

13> Lee Press-On Nails

12> Approximo Knives

11> The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision
    Attachment

10> "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"

 9> The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant"
    and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)

 8> Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video

 7> Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver

 6> Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon

 5> Nine Inch Tacks

 4> Monkey Wenches

 3> "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"

 2> Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure

  and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...

 1> The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 06:32:18 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Bill Clinton's Favorite Things <off., adult themes>

* I don't know where this originated.  It was sent to me by a friend.

A few of Bill Clinton's favorite things...
To the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things from "The Sound of Music"

             Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
             Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
             Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
             These are a few of my favorite things

             Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
             Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
             Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
             These are a few of my favorite things

             Beating the draft board and getting elected,
             Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
             Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
             These are a few of my favorite things

             Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
             Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
             Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
             These are a few of my favorite things

             Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
             States of the Union with lots of baloney,
             Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
             These are a few of my favorite things

             When that Jones bites,
             When Ken Starr stings,
             When I'm feeling sad,
             I simply remember my favorite things,
             And then I don't feel so bad.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 07:39:03 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:things that tick me off(adult language)

 Things That Piss Me Off (adult language)

 1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

 2. When something is "new and improved", which is it?  If it's new,
    then there has never been anything before it.  If it's an improvement,
    then there must have been something before it.

 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for
    the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
    channel manually.

 4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
    too". Fuck off.  What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?  What,
    should I eat someone else's cake instead?

 5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look".  Of
    course it is.  Why would you keep looking after you've found it?  Do
    people do this? Who and where are they?

 6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
    dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing
    over there.  What did you come here for?

 7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band.
    Don't drink and drive.  I don't".  Well, I hope you don't drive sober
    either Mr. Healey. You're blind for god's sake!

 8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"  Didn't really give me
    a choice, did ya there buddy?

 9. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.  I know
    where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours?  Do I point at my
    crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 08:33:40 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Big bite!

 A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her
 house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to
 profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the
 cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a
 place to stay for the night. Then, as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be
 jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up
 saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!" Of course, usually the guy would pay and
 she'd let him go.

 Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure
 enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is
 with him in her mouth and holding the sign, "$50 or I'll bite."

    The Newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 08:14:01 -0600
From:    "D. B. Christian" <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: An ironic thought (mildly suggestive)

Isn't it ironic that the Spice Girls record on Virgin Records?


* Shakespere meets Lukas:   "R2, R2, wherefore art you?"

David Christian, MA
Exp Psyc/Instructor of Norwegian
UofNoDak  Grand Forks ND

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 10:48:05 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Cynical questions & comments as humor

There was live coverage of Princess Di's funeral, Sonny Bono's
funeral and now Harry Caray's. It's just a matter of time before
cable has the Funeral Channel.

If anyone had told me that becoming overweight was this
uncomfortable, I never would have allowed it to happen.

We have school uniforms, zero-tolerance policies, Internet in the
classrooms, and our kids are still the dumbest in the modern world.

] really hope diversity is our strength because US test scores show
that education certainly isn't.

If you can possible work it out, I would highly recommend having your
grandchildren first.

My wife told me if God wanted her to touch her toes, He'd put
diamonds on the floor.

My husband is constantly smiling because I have two college degrees:
a bachelor's in the kitchen and a master's in the bedroom.

Isn't it strange that the word "phonics" begins with the letter p?

I have Caller ID, and it is most helpful. I do not block my name and
number, and I do not answer calls from people who block theirs.

It is just me, or does it seem like CNN and some other news
organizations wanted a war a lot more than the rest of us?

Want to know what we stay-at-home moms do all day? We smoke pot,
drink beer and watch soap operas all day. Then, at 4 p.m. we wave our
magic wand, and all the chores are done.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 13:11:02 EST
From:    DHughes250 <DHughes250@AOL.COM>
Subject: The job (may be offensive to the Irish)

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in
Dublin.  An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.  The
manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but
we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that?  We both got  9  questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the
question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't know".  You
put down "Neither do I ".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 13:34:54 EST
From:    Owen KL <OwenKL@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: Shakespeare meets Lucas

In a message dated 98-03-05, dchristi writes:

<< Shakespeare meets Lucas:   "R2, R2, wherefore art you?" >>

"R2 or D2, that is the question!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 15:10:06 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: How rich he is?

  On Bill Gates' rate of making money and "Bill Bills".

  Consider that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft
  was founded in 1975.  If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day
  on every business day of the year since then, that means he's been
  making money at a staggering half-million dollars per hour,
  *around $150 per second.*

  Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop
  a $500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over
  and pick it up.  He would make more just heading off to work.

  It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation
  this year.  From January to July he's gained some $16 Billion, meaning
  that at the rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as
  well to pass it by.

  (They  do exist, but he won't see one until he buys the U.S.treasury
   --they are not circulated.  Salmon Chase, former secretary of the
   treasury and chief justice, is on it.)

  If it's a pile of cash he has to count, it's even worse.  At $2,500
  per second so far this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar
  Bills --and he would need to have a quick hand -- to avoid him losing
  the money in wasted time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills
  would be very unprofitable.

  The "Too-small-a-bill-for-Bill" index has gone up quite a bit over the
  years.  When Microsoft went public in 1986, the new multimillionaire
  only had to leave behind $5 bills.


  Bill Gates Dollars

  Another way to examine this sort of wealth is to compare it to yours.
  Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps
  she has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times
  larger.

  Which means that if something costs $100,000 to her, to Bill it's as
  though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for
  your own net worth.

  So for example, you might think a new Lambourghini Diablo would cost
  $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's *63 cents*.

  That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the
  1024x768 screen you've been drooling after?  *A penny*.

  A nice home in a rich town like Palo Alto, California?  *Two dollars*.


  You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family
  to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand could buy _the
  team_for *100 Bill-bills*.

  You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare
  coach.  In Bill-bills, Mr. Gates could buy *three 747s*. One for him,
  one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 22:51:19 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: How to give your cat a pill

I've never had so many responses to a humour post before, this being the
Excerpt from the Cat's diary.  Sadly, this is all there is to it, and
unless someone out there knows differently, I can't help.


 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms.  Cradle its head on your elbow, just as
    if you were giving a baby a bottle.  Coo confidently, "That's a nice
    kitty."  Drop the pill in its mouth.

 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.

 3. Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
    hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm.  Poke pill into its mouth
    with right forefinger.

 4. Retrieve cat from under bed.  Get new pill from bottle.  (resist impulse
    to get new cat.)

 5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
    bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat,
    bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the
    upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly!  Since your head is down by your knees,
    you won't be able to see what you are doing.  That's just as well.

 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes.  Leave pill in your hair.

 7 If you are a woman, have a good cry.  If you are a man, have a good cry.

 8. Now pull yourself together.  Who's the boss here anyway?  Retrieve cat &
    pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?"
    Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!

 9. This isn't working, is it?  Collapse & think.  Aha!  Those flashing
    calws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to the linen closet.  Drag back a large beach towl.  Spread towel
    on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach.  (resist impulse to
    flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel.  Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or
    woman!

15. Resume position 1.  Rotate your left hand to cat's head.  Press its
    mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently.  Voila!  It's done!

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's).  Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two asprins & lie down.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Mar 1998 22:44:10 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: medical pun <clean>

Medical science has determined that attitude influences susceptibility
to disease, especially infection by bacterial agents. People who, by their
nature, are cheerful and upbeat are less prone to illness than are those
who are consistently grumpy malcontents.  Thus, the surly bird gets the
germ.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Mar 1998 01:45:37 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Road Sign

    ROAD NOT
    SOLIDLY
     FROZEN

  Heavy loads
    limited

- actual road sign on state highway 11 in northern Maine

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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 1998 to 6 Mar 1998
**********************************************

