HUMOR Digest - 28 Feb 1998 to 1 Mar 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 374 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Asimov Limericks: Rated, Sexual Content
  2. CheapSkates
  3. Bill Clinton from a British Perspective
  4. Will Rogers (not off)
  5. Drunken Polar Bears <adult themes>
  6. HUMOR - Airline Humor
  7. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  8. First-Grade Proverbs

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Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 23:52:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Asimov Limericks: Rated, Sexual Content

There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
       When in bed with a lay
       He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
       The result, as you'd guess,
       Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
       "Oh, the Vicar is quicker
       And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you."

Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
       They found her vagina
       In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
       When she shouted for more,
       Said he from the floor,
"The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson."

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
       I admit there's a glare,
       But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night."


All by Isaac Asimov

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Date:    Sat, 28 Feb 1998 03:16:42 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: CheapSkates

 I'm sure y'all know people who are way too tight with their
 money.  Maybe some of these zingers will help loosen the
 skinflints up:

 He's so cheap...
  - his hearing aid has a solar battery
  - he takes off his glasses when he's not looking at anything
  - he rides a crowded subway just to get his clothes pressed
  - he married a skinny girl so he could buy a smaller ring
  - he named himself as beneficiary in his will
  - he's still waiting for the Bible to come out in paperback
  - he recycles belly button lint
  - he won't even tip his hat
  - the guest room in his house has a pay smoke alarm
  - he's worn his suits so long, they've been in style 4 times
                                - - - - -

*   A woman goes to a dentist.  He examines her and charges her
  $ 45.  She said, "Can't you make it $ 35 ?"  He agrees.
    The next month she comes back for a filling and the bill
  comes to $ 75.  Again, she asks, "Can't you make that $ 60 ?"
  Being a good guy, and thinking maybe she was poor, he agrees.
    He suggests a follow-up appointment and tells her to come
  back Tuesday at 11:00.  She says, "Can't you make that 9:30 ?"
                                - - - - -

* I never really knew how tight my neighbor was until I borrowed
  a vise from him.  It had traces of toothpaste on it.
                                - - - - -

*   This cheapskate thief holds up a fancy men's store.  He tells
  the clerk to bring him a couple of good suits too.  The clerk
  returns with several magnificent black silk suits. The tightwad
  asks, "How much are they ?"
    The clerk says, "Nineteen hundred dollars each."
    The hold-up man is bagging the cash and says, "Scheesch, don't
  you have anything cheaper ?"


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 28 Feb 1998 07:40:51 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Bill Clinton from a British Perspective

  "He [President Clinton] should lay it on the table and let the
  American people decide."
         Pete Kay, US Congressman, speaking on BBC Radio 4

  "Let's talk about Hillary Roddam Clinton, who'll be going on American
   breakfast TV in a few hours' time. Of course, she's pulled it off for
   her husband in the past."
         Presenter, BBC News 24

  "... the State of the Union Address ... empowered him further, to show
  him as a man on the job".
         Dr John Watson, Prof of Political Science, Sky News

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Date:    Sat, 28 Feb 1998 10:53:24 EST
From:    PADLEO S <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (not off)

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (But probably wishes he had)

--The human brain is the apparatus with which we think we think.

--If you watch a game, it's fun.  If you play it, it's recreation.
  If you work at it, it's golf!

--You can always tell a man who's head of the house.  He's a
  bachelor.

--Drive-in banks were established so that automobiles could
  see their real owners occasionally.

--Be loyal to your boss because the next one might be worse.

--The fellow who blows his horn the loudest is usually in the
  biggest fog.

--Her birthday cake had so many candles on it she was fined
  for air pollution.

--We are only young once.  That is all society can stand.

--Bigamy is the only law on the books where two rites make
  a wrong.

--Only one out of four women who die go to heaven.  Any more
  and it would be hell!



Doug's Joke Book

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Date:    Sat, 28 Feb 1998 11:41:51 EST
From:    TheMan5000 <TheMan5000@AOL.COM>
Subject: Drunken Polar Bears <adult themes>

This guy goes up to Alaska to work on the pipeline.

Normally the type to get along well with people, he is upset that he doesn't
seem to be accepted by his colleagues.

After three or four weeks he is really disturbed so one night at a bar, after
a few beers he yells:
"I don't get it, what do I have to do to be accepted around here?"

They tell him "If you want to really become a true Alaskan you must do three
things.

First, down a quart of whiskey. Second, go out and wrestle a polar bear and
then come back and make love to an Eskimo woman.

Our hero is game and quickly downs the proffered quart of whisky. Then feeling
no pain he wanders off into the night searching for a polar bear.

Hours pass. Finally, he staggers back into the bar, still intoxicated. His
clothing is torn and he is bleeding profusely.

"All right you bastards", he yells, "I'm done with the bear. Now where's this
woman you want me to wrestle?!"

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Date:    Sat, 28 Feb 1998 12:32:27 +0000
From:    sarahsod <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - Airline Humor

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner
are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get
under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to
be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide
dog.  Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort
of practical joke.  However, after a few minutes the engines start
spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
 Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is
a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once,
and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going  to
scream and we're gonna get killed!"

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Date:    Sat, 28 Feb 1998 11:37:28 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, White House interns,
Amtrak, American sports stars, and supermodels.

Well folks, the rain is on hold for a few days, but... Legislators in
Sacramento voted to change the state song from "I Love You California"
to Paul Simon's "Slip Slidin' Away".

President Clinton says he approaches everything Saddam Hussein says
with a great degree of skepticism. Pretty much the same way we approach
everything Clinton says. (Letterman)

American forces in the Persian Gulf went back to full alert when
Hussein announced he would honor his latest UN inspection agreement as
faithfully as Clinton honored his wedding vows.

Newsweek magazine says Monica Lewensky's resume lists one of her duties
at the White House as training the new interns. That's not surprising.
If you were Bill Clinton, wouldn't YOU want her to train the new
intern? (Leno)

In a recent survey, when teenagers were asked where they can get free
condoms, 40% said at a free clinic, 16% said from a friend, and 44%
said at the White House gift shop.

President Clinton recently attended four fund raisers in New York. Let
me see if I understand... the president attended four fund raisers to
raise funds to defend himself for his fund raising scandals...

Lent began Wednesday. This is the 40 day period that honor Jesus'
suffering and agony at the hands of a special prosecutor. (Maher)

The US men's hockey team was so upset after being eliminated from the
Olympics that members trashed a hotel room. It's the most embarrassing
incident about an American sports figure not inviolving biting, choking
a coach, double murder or having sex with a flight attendant. (Leno)

At the Grammy Awards, David Letterman was overheard saying, "Marilyn
Manson, this is Hanson, Hanson, this is Manson, Manson, Hanson, Hanson,
Manson..."

Dr. Jack Kevorkian attended another suicide last week. He's not the
only way to go you know... for $10 million, Democrats will poison your
White House coffee, let you die in the Lincoln bedroom and bury you at
Arlington.

A train in Japan broke the world speed record of 280 mph. This breaks
the previous unofficial record of 275 mph set by an Amtrak train. Of
course, the Amtrak train was clocked while plummeting off a cliff, so
it doesn't really count.

New research says that when it comes to low cholesterol diets, extremes
are not good. This comes from the American Pork Rinds Council.

The manager of a Los Angeles waste treatment plant wants to open a
sewage museum. Hopefully it isn't interactive. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Rap star Q-Tip's house in New Jersey caught fire. Fortunately, he was
able to escape safely with the rest of his family, A through P Tip.

A recent decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a
passenger's life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers
coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a
Staurday stay over.

Distress signals from the doomed Titanic were auctioned off this week.
If you missed out on this deal, another collection of distress calls is
available for only $16.99. It's Michael Bolton's new CD of opera arias.

Saxophonist Kenny G recently set a record by playing one note for more
than 45 minutes. Now he too is cashing in - he sold the recording to a
car alarm company.

I actually waited and watched all the credits of Titanic. Included at
the end was this, "No iceburgs were harmed in the making of this film".

Burger King has introduced the Big King sandwich. For an extra 10 cents
they sprinkle alfalfa sprouts on top, and call it the Don King.

In Iowa, a jury awarded $80 million to a woman who sued UPS.
Unfortunately, the woman wasn't home when they delivered the money, so
they left it with a neighbor. (O'Brien)

Investors plan to convert Andy Warhol's old studio into a theme
restaurant. It will only be open for 15 minutes.

Supermodel Elle Macpherson gave birth to a boy last weekend. Seven
Pounds, 8 ounces. No work yet on how much the baby weighs.

And finally, the American Association for Nude Recreation says the
number one favorite activity among nudists is swimming. The least
favorite is raising honeybees. (Leno)

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Date:    Sat, 28 Feb 1998 16:56:46 -0800
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: First-Grade Proverbs

A first-grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each
student in her class the first half of a proverb and had them complete
it.

As you shall make your bed, so shall you . . . "mess it up."
Better be safe than . . . "punch a fifth-grader."
Strike while the . . . "bug is close."
It's always darkest before . . . "Daylight Savings Time."
Never underestimate the power of . . . "termites."
You can lead a horse to water but . . . "how?"
Don't bite the hand that . . . "looks dirty."
No news is . . . "impossible."
A miss is as good as a . . . "Mr."
You can't teach an old dog new . . . "math."
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll . . . "stink in the morning."
Love all, trust . . . "me."
The pen is mightier than the . . . "pigs."
An idle mind is . . . "the best way to relax."
Where there's smoke, there's . . . "pollution."
Happy the bride who . . . "gets all the presents."
A penny saved is . . . "not much."
Two's company, three's . . . "the Musketeers."
Don't put off tomorrow what . . . "you put on to go to bed."
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . "you have to
   blow your nose."
Children should be seen and not . . . "spanked or grounded."
If at first you don't succeed . . . "get new batteries."
You get out of something what you . . . "see pictured on the box."
When the blind leadeth the blind . . . "get out of the way!"
There is no fool like . . . "Aunt Edith."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Feb 1998 to 1 Mar 1998
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