HUMOR Digest - 27 Feb 1998 to 28 Feb 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 817 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Lawyer  <off. to lawers>
  2. Not so Faithful <adult humor>
  3. Topical Humor (some adult themes)
  4. Reflections on Classical Music and Musicians by Great Worthies
  5. Re-Run (3 y) Flat-chested women and bad rhymes (slightly adultis
  6. roadblock
  7. Blonde jokes (Some sexual content; offensive to blondes)
  8. Quickie (in off)
  9. Being a TA part 2
 10. Migraines anyone?
 11. Puns
 12. HUMOR - The Fallen
 13. <No subject given>
 14. Suggestive but cute
 15. Humor - Edible Underwear Investigation (Adult)
 16. My prayer (not off.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 08:58:42 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Lawyer  <off. to lawers>

  A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
  to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and
  a lawyer."  The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
  confusing,  for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried
  under the stone.

  However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man
  who was both honest and a lawyer."  That way, whenever anyone walked by
  the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

  "That's Strange!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 03:48:23 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Not so Faithful <adult humor>

* Disgusted man at a bar: "My girlfriend is such a cheat and a
  liar.  I've been going with her almost a year now and I never
  would have known she was married until my wife mentioned it
  just the other day."
                                - - - - -

*   Two friends meet on the street. One of them had a large black
  eye, an arm in a sling and was hobbling along using a crutch.
    The other, astonished said, "Fred !  What the hell happened to
  you ?  Car accident or what ?"
    The first replied, "Remember JoAnne, that cute lil' cashier at
  the Giant Grocery Store ?"
    His friend said, "The one whose husband's in Bosnia ?"
    Came the reply, "Yeah.  But he ain't anymore."
                                - - - - -

*   Two bitter rivals met at a convention.  The first said, "How's
  the wife these days ?"
    The second replied, "Fine, just fine thanks.  And how's mine ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Y'all remember me talking 'bout Sharon, one of the tuffest lil'
  firecrackers in the State Highway.  Well, one morning the office
  was a-buzz about a fight she had with her husband.
    Finding her at the coffee machine I said, "I heard you caught
  your husband cheating and had a terrific fight with him."
    She stirred her coffee and replied, "Not exactly. It's true we
  had a slight disagreement, and I stabbed him 4-5 times, but it
  wasn't much of a fight after that."
                                - - - - -

*   He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said,
  "My heart is broken.  I saw you with another man yesterday."
    "Oh don't be silly !" she replied, "That was just my husband,
  you know there's no one but you."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 06:44:46 +0000
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Topical Humor (some adult themes)

The United States has waived sanctions against Colombia, citing
progress in the country's war on drugs. Colombian officials credit
"the easing of demand due to the death of Jerry Garcia."

According to his lawyer, Dr. Jack Kevorkian helped a paralyzed
college student end his life Thursday night. Yesterday, Kevorkian
nearly talked our planet's sun into giving up, but the eclipse ended
just in time.

                              Nuggets of Wisdom
                               If I had a hammer
                            I'd hammer in the morning
                          I'd hammer till my jerk neighbor
                     Shouted "shut up with @#$%& hammering!"

President Bill Clinton endorsed a moratorium on new sales taxes on the
Internet yesterday, announcing that the Internet "must be kept free to
continue to fulfill the goals and purposes envisioned by my former
Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders."

Today is Elizabeth Taylor's birthday, and she continues to turn down
offers by Don King to promote a Pay-Per-View marriage to Larry King.

Bob Dylan continued a recent Grammy tradition, following Michael
Jackson as the second music legend to win for best album and have your
face slowly turn whiter and whiter.

Free speech not only lives, it rocks," said a beaming Oprah Winfrey
after she won her Texas defamation trial. Winfrey became so carried
away, she named "The Constitution" as her new Book Club selection.

Legal experts say that had Oprah lost, she could have faced financial
ruin. Under Texas law, if the Cattlemen had been awarded monetary
damages, they had the right to "Supersize It!"

In an international poll of high school students, American kids scored
near the bottom in math and science. American educators agreed this
was "shameful," and vowed to appoint a Special Prosecutor to
investigate the poll takers.

A study by the Fitness Products Council released Thursday shows that
Americans spent $5 billion on home exercise equipment last year. For
tax purposes, exercise equipment may be listed as a "towel rack" after
six months.

M=F6tley Cr=FCe drummer Tommy Lee is in jail on $1 million bail after wife
Pamela Anderson Lee accused him of spousal assault. The good news is
that most of the inmates feel they already know him, since they've all
seen him naked on the wedding sex tape.

Friday is Chelsea Clinton's 18th birthday. The sad thing is that under
new post-Lewinskyt White House rules, she can no longer come within
100 feet of the President.


                           Dr. Jim's New Sex Words

Splintercourse - The sexual act in an outdoor setting. (e.g., "I
enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the Mile
Marker 189 Rest Stop.")

POTUS Interruptus - A sexual encounter prematuraly ended when the
Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has returned.
[POTUS =3D President of the United States]

Nophyllactic. A seldom-used, super-powerful form of birth control.
Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes
the word "no" to avoid conception.

Toupalactic - Another powerful birth control method which is based on
the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question.
Recommended by Marv Albert!

Play-Doh-Masochism. Sexual attraction to clay.


Original Humor Content; Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 10:58:52 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Reflections on Classical Music and Musicians by Great Worthies

   MUSICAL QUOTES:  Part the First

Gentle Humor readers:  let us raise the cultural level of the list a bit.
The following musical bons mots were sent to me by an acquaintance who is
in PUBLIC BROADCASTING.  As such, they can be considered to be, at least,
middle high brow.

  "There are more bad musicians than there is bad music."
  --Isaac Stern

  After playing the violin for the cellist Gregor Piatgorsky,
  Albert Einstein asked, "Did I play well?"  "You played
  relatively well," replied Piatigorsky.

  "The chromatic scale is what you use to give the effect of
  drinking a quinine martini and having an enema
  simultaneously."  --Philip Larkin

  "The sound of a harpsichord - two skeletons copulating on a
  tin roof in a thunderstorm."  --Sir Thomas Beecham

  "Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their
  harps and ten percent playing out of tune."  --Igor Stravinsky

  "Mozart died too late rather than too soon."  --Glenn Gould

  "Beethoven always sounds to me like the upsetting of a bag of
  nails, with here and there also a dropped hammer."
  --John Ruskin

  "Art is long and life is short; here is evidently the
  explanation of a Brahms symphony."  --Edward Lorne

  "I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up
  by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes
  of glass with its claws."  --Charles Baudelaire

  "If the reader were so rash as to purchase any of Bela
  Bartok's compositions, he would find that they each and all
  consist of unmeaning bunches of notes, apparently
  representing the composer promenading the keyboard in his
  boots.  Some can be played better with the elbows, others
  with the flat of the hand.  None require fingers to perform or
  ears to listen too."  --Frederick Corder

  "In the first movement alone, I took note of six pregnancies
  and at least four miscarriages."
  --Sir Thomas Beecham on Bruckner's Seventh Symphony

  "What can you do with it?  It's like a lot of yaks jumping
  about."
  --Sir Thomas Beecham on Beethoven's Seventh Symphony

  Sir Thomas Beecham was once asked if he had played any
  Stockhausen.  "No," he replied, "but I have trodden in some."

  "Rossini would have been a great composer if his teacher had
  spanked him enough on his backside."  --Ludwig van Beethoven

  "Anton Bruckner wrote the same symphony nine times, trying
  to get it just right.  He failed."  --Edward Abbey

  "Schoenberg is too melodious for me, too sweet."
  --Bertolt Brecht

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 18:35:50 +0200
From:    Alar ''The Joker'' <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: Re-Run (3 y) Flat-chested women and bad rhymes (slightly adultis

Origially
From: Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995

A woman came into a doctor's surgery and complained to him about her flat
chest. "Doctor, my life's terrible. No man takes any interest in me because
of my flat chest. It's driving me crazy. You must help me somehow doctor or
I'll do something drastic."

Examining her chest the doctor agreed that it was indeed very flat, although
he told her that the condition wasn't abnormal. However, seeing her extreme
state of distress the doctor told her, "There is a series of exercises that
can be used to develop a larger chest, but I'm afraid it requires a lot of
discipline and persistence."

"Oh doctor, tell me please. I'm so desperate that I promise that I'll do
whatever you recommend."

"Well, you must stand upright with your arms horizontal and bent so that
your hands are in front of your chest."

The woman duly stood up and did as the doctor told her.

"Now, quickly push your elbows repeatedly backwards to the rythm `I must.
I must. I must. I must increase my bust'. This will exercise your pectoral
muscles. If you do this every 15 minutes for 2 months you should find that
your breasts will grow larger. But you must do it every 15 minutes."

The woman carried out the exercise saying "I must. I must. I must. I must increase my bust."

Thanking the doctor the woman left and went outside to the bus stop to await
her ride home. During her wait she looked at her watch and realised that it
was time for her exercise. So she got her arms in the right position and
pushing back her elbows exercised to the rythm, "I must. I must. I must. I
must increase my bust."

When she'd finished she felt a tap on her shoulder and turning around she
found a small, weakly looking man standing behind her. He asked, "Excuse me,
but could you tell me the time?" "Sure", she replied, "it's 10 past 3."

The man said, "Oh dear, it's time." and proceded to hop up and down saying
"Hickery dickery dock, ..."


Alar Pardla's Joke Collection...    Collected humor since 1994
http://fun.ee/jokes

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 12:16:38 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: roadblock

  One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road,
  drinking a couple of Buds.  The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up
  ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer
  drinkin' these here beers!"

  "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
  these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw
  the bottles under the seat."

  "What fer?" asked Bubba.

  "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their
  beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels
  on their foreheads.

  When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been
  drinking?"

  "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 09:09:57 -0800
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Blonde jokes (Some sexual content; offensive to blondes)

 - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless > >>
 - she studied for a blood test - and failed > >>
 - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
   she moved
 - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill > >>
 - when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
   "Airport Left" she turned around and went home > >>
			***************

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said,
"No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for asomesome
while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
			***************

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but
they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch
her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain
and the top is down."
			***************

   A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having
an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she
comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
   She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of
bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot  herself.  Hysterically the
blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!" 
			***************

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
			***************

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.
			***************

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
			***************

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
			***************

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
			***************

   A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in
the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
  The brunette came in first, the redhead second.  The blonde woman finally
reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two
girls used their arms."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 09:50:41 -0800
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Quickie (in off)

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt
and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was
ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom,
then answers,"A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would
you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie,
please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across
the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think
it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ."

---
Larry Saunders; Systems & Instructional Technologist
The Graziadio School of Business and Management
Pepperdine University

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 11:05:05 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Being a TA part 2

Here is the second part of
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching
Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors

I got this from a friend who got it from Paul Dmt @ aol.com

 CHEATING
 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each
    others homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of
    paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
 2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving
    incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in
    incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective at
    this technique include:
	The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe, & Curly.
	The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.
	The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and cheap
            bathroom lighting fixtures.
	The microphone is an output device.
	"Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard
            drive for 60 seconds.
	MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP.
	When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows,
      	    you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory.
	Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir".
	CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal.
	Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program
           using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection,
	   and Guessing.

 LAB
 You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to
 assist with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up
 with some real beauties:
      "Why should I save it?  I wasn't done yet."
      "My disk erased itself!"
      "Hurry up, I need help.  This was due last week."
      "Directory?  What's that?"
      "What do I need my textbook for?  I'm using a computer."

 Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
	P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing"
 	S: Turn on the monitor

 	P: "How do I get into Windows?"
 	S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.

	P: "I can't get this computer to do anything."
	S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.

	P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file."
	S: Reprimand the printer.

	P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do."
	S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 15:36:03 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Migraines anyone?

 A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When
 the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy
 has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and
 still there is no improvement.

 "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going
 to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's
 advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I
 go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my
 wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around
 the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her
 into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to
 have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now,
 give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

 Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your
 advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and
 this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the
 physician, "I'm glad I could help."
 "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 15:38:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Puns

Once, a group of American Amish farmers were traveling on an exchange
program in Ireland. They stopped to inspect a peat bog, and were
dismayed to see how the local farmers were collecting the peat: they
would dig up a few bricks worth and pile it on the back of the town
fool, who only had a vague notion of what was going on, and he would
then stumble over to a wagon and fling it in. Well, the American Amish
farmers were shocked at this display of cruelty and exploitation, and
demanded that the practice should stop at once. The next day, the
newspaper headlines read:
Americans express: "Don't heave loam with thou twit!
                -----------------------------------

A certain white whale and a tiny herring were inseparable friends.
Wherever the white whale went in search of food, the herring was sure to
go.  One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway
without his companion.  Naturally, all the other fish were curious, and
an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.
"How should I know?" the herring replied, "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 15:53:32 +0000
From:    sarahsod <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - The Fallen

Then there's the one about the old priest who got sick of all the people in
his parish who kept confessing adultery.  One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"  Well,
everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.  Someone who
had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".  This seemed to
satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at
a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town
and seemed very concerned.  The priest said, "you have to do something about
the sidewalks in town.  When people come into the confessional, they keep
talking about having fallen."  The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that
no-one had told the new priest about the code word.  But the priest shook an
accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing
about.  Your wife fell three times this week."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 17:31:43 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

1. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
   race, you're a male chauvinist.

2. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

3. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

4. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

5. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
   exploitation.

6. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
   your ass and find something better.

7. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

8. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

9. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

10. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

11. If you cry, you're a wimp.

12. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

13. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

14. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
    woman.
 
15. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
    domination.

16. If she asks you, it's a favor.

17. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
    pervert.

18. If you don't, you're a fag.

19. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a
    sexist.

20. If you don't, you're unromantic.

21. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

22. If you don't, you're a slob.

23. If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

24. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

25. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.

26. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

27. If you're totally beat after a hard day, you don't give a shit
     about other people's needs.

28. If she's totally beat after a hard day, she's tired.

29. If you want it too often, you're oversexed.

30. If you don't, there must be someone else....

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 18:41:02 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Suggestive but cute

 Q. What's the most sensitive part of your
    anatomy when you are masturbating?

 A. Your ears.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 20:42:40 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Edible Underwear Investigation (Adult)

          Councilman sends health dept. to adult shop.

 By JULIE MASON
 Copyright 1998 Houston Chronicle

 When Councilman Rob Todd's office received a complaint recently about an
adult novelty shop in his district, Todd sent in the vice squad.

 Vice officers looked around Condoms & More, but decided the store did not
fit the criteria for regulation as a sexually oriented business.

 Undaunted, Todd's office dispatched city health inspectors to check out
whether owner Myrtle Freeman was selling edible underwear -- without a food
service license.

 "It's so silly," Freeman said Thursday of her run-in with the city. "If
you don't drink, you'll drink by the time you get through."

 Freeman has operated her shop, selling lingerie and novelties from a small
strip mall near Bay Area Boulevard and El Camino since 1994.

 Freeman said the shop hasn't had any trouble with law, and that she even
posts a sign on the door warning minors away.

 "It's just a little whatnot," Freeman said. "Everything I have in here is
just for novelty only."

 Kathy Barton, spokeswoman for the city Health and Human Services
Department, said the request from Todd's office to dispatch inspectors was
unusual.

 "I don't know that we have ever been in a lingerie store looking for
violations of the food ordinance," Barton said. "But we have to respond to
every complaint that comes in, so we went down there."

 City ordinance requires a food dealers permit for the sale of any food
item. As it turns out, Freeman's small stock of edible underwear and
novelty candies technically qualified.

 To continue selling the merchandise, Barton said, Freeman would be
required to pay a $200 permit fee each year and undergo inspections by
health officers.

 "We like to spend most of our time on high-risk food establishments, such
as seafood restaurants," Barton said. "She would be considered very
low-risk since her `food' is pre-packaged and doesn't pose and airborne
health threat."

 Freeman mulled the city's offer: get rid of the edibles or get licensed.

 Laughing as she recounted it Thursday, Freeman said the cost of the permit
would almost be worth making the sale of edible panties -- which are made
of fruit roll-ups -- just a little more special.

 "If we are going to go to all this trouble, I should at least heat them
up," Freeman said. "If you want them fried or baked."

 She ultimately decided to sell her stock of edible items and quit selling
nonperishable novelties.


I beleive it was Mark Twain who said:
"The difference between truth and fiction: fiction has to make sense."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 28 Feb 1998 00:16:23 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: My prayer (not off.)

My Prayer

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow
at 7:41:23 am, e.s.t.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE
hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though
they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything.  But, if You need some
help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back,  and help me to do it EXACTLY
right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter,
parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist.  (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a
time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.  And
would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today.  On second thought,
I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Feb 1998 to 28 Feb 1998
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