HUMOR Digest - 26 Feb 1998 - Special issue
There are 18 messages totalling 1005 lines in this issue.

Topics in this special issue:

  1. Interesting Quotes...
  2. Shrinks <some adult humor>
  3. Ty Cobb
  4. Blondes might be dumb, but they have more fun!<sexual innuendo>
  5. Finals time (a bit early)
  6. Learning through LifeSavers
  7. HUMOR - The Old Man and the Umbrella
  8. Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age
  9. Topical Jokes (adult themes, juvenile)
 10. Humor: Offensive to Americans?
 11. Henny Youngman Tribute
 12. Being a TA part 1
 13. police explanation
 14. Announcement, Please Read (NOT a joke)
 15. Scotsman (slightly adult)
 16. Dave Barry on electricity
 17. The World's Easiest Quiz <not offensive>
 18. POOPIE stuff-Part 2/2 <more Non-clean stuff>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 02:30:49 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Interesting Quotes...

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
    --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with
the  best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that
won't last out the year."
      --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
      --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
        1968,  commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
      --Ken Olson, president, chairman, and founder of Digital
        Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication.  The device is inherently of no value to us."
      --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
      --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face, not Gary
Cooper."
      --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
        "Gone With  The Wind."

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
      --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
      --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.  The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
      --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for
        3-M  "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built  with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or, we'll  give it to you.  We just want to do it.  Pay our salary, we'll
come work for  you.'  And they said, 'No.'  So, then, we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they   said, 'Hey, we don't need you.  You haven't
got through college yet.'"
      --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
        Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
        computer.

"Drill for oil?  You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
      --Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
        to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
      --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
      --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
        Superieure de  Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
      --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
       --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
      -- Bill Gates, 1981

"$100 million dollars is way too much to pay for Microsoft."
      -- IBM, 1982

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 02:51:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Shrinks <some adult humor>

* This Columbia Yuppette decided to go to a psychiatrist.  Her
  first session was somewhat less than successful though.  She
  spent 30 minutes rearranging the office, and the remainder of
  her time offering redecorating suggestions.
                                - - - - -

* Ever wonder why there are so few secretaries in therapy even
  in the 90's ?  All of them know better than to trust any man
  with a couch in his office.
                                - - - - -

*   A young man was complaining to his psychiatrist that all he
  ever thought about was food.  He said he even dreamt of food.
    "A man your age should also be thinking of girls." the shrink
  replied.  "Don't you ever dream of girls ?"
    "Not really." replied the patient.  "I can never get enough
  mayonnaise on them."
                                - - - - -

* I once saved a co-worker from thousands and thousands of dollars
  in psychiatrist's fees.  He had a classic inferiority complex.
  I saved him both the time and money of intense therapy simply
  by proving to him that he really was inferior.
                                - - - - -

* Which brings me to a bit of trivia for y'all.  Ever wonder how
  physiatrists got to be called "shrinks" ?  Easy !  For those of
  you in therapy, just check your bank balance each month.
                                - - - - -

*   Trying to save a few bucks, I asked a shrink one time, while
  at a party, if there was anything I could do for my insomnia.
    He suggested I try sex.  I asked if that would help me sleep.
  He replied, "Not really.  But you'll have more fun while you're
  awake."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 23:53:02 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Ty Cobb

Ty Cobb, after his illustrious baseball career, had a lot of trouble
finding work. Back in the time Ty Cobb played baseball, even the
greatest of stars earned very little, and Ty was unable to save any
money to live on when his career was over. In desperation, he applied
for a position as a chef at a retirement home, even though he was never
trained as a chef. Throughout the interview, he was asked several times
whether or not he was really a chef, and he lied each time, feeling more
and more guilty about his cowardly deceit. In the end, however, he got
the job. The first day of work, he was assigned to make baked brie for
his elderly clients. Not knowing a thing about cooking, he threw the
cheese in the oven and left it there for two hours while he took a nap,
and the cheese got all brown and burned and inedible . Ty was awakened
by the yelling manager, angrily pointing to the burned lump of cheese.
"I thought you said you were a chef!" he shouted. Ty began to
stammer."Oh! I lied sir! I was so scared of being unemployed!" "Well,
look what your lies did!" stormed the manager angerly. .... "Ty, your
yellow fibbin' browned the old folks' brie!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 12:48:06 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Blondes might be dumb, but they have more fun!<sexual innuendo>

 Three pregnant woman were sitting in a Gynea's waiting room(of course,
 one was blonde, one was a redhead and one was a brunnette).  The
 brunette proudly says "I'm gonna have a son 'coz my husband was on
 top!"  then the red says "If that's the case, then I'm gonna have a
 daughter 'coz I was on top!".  All of a sudden the blonde gets
 hysterical and cries "I'M GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!"
		------------------------

 Two women and their dog's were in a Vet's waiting room (one blonde and
 one brunette).  The brunette says to the blonde "That's a beautiful
 dog you've got there, what're you bringing him in for?"
 The blonde replies "He's Xtremely horny, and whenever I bend over, he
 tries to fuck me!!!"
 The brunette says Xcitedly "That's why I'm here!"
 The blonde says "oh, You're getting him neutered too?"
 The brunette says "Ha, no way, I'm getting his toe-nails cut!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 07:14:23 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Finals time (a bit early)

    UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
University:  ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should
be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
    ______Medical School          ______Graduate School
    ______Dental School           ______My Fraternity/Sorority
    ______The Mickey Mouse Club   ______Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.

__5. I'll lose my scholarship.

__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find
     a copy of your exam.

__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
     did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
     asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced  against:
    ____Males		    ____Protestants
    ____Jews		    ____Muslems
    ____Blacks		    ____Minorities
    ____Females		    ____Chicanos
    ____Catholics	    ____People
    ____Whites		    ____Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
      at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following
      illness:
    ____mono
    ____broken baby finger
    ____acute alcoholism
    ____pregnancy
    ____VD
    ____fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you
      wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:
    ____too detailed to pick out important points
    ____not explained in sufficient detail
    ____too boring
    ____all jokes and not enough material
    ____all of the above

__17. This course was:
    ____too early, I was not awake.
    ____at lunchtime, I was hungry
    ____too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my  (book,
      notes, paper) for this course.


__19. Other__________________________________


* Birth, school, work, death.  About sums it up, I think.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 06:44:37 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Learning through LifeSavers

Author unknown--a good joke which is circulating among teachers.

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden
their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,
they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell
aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of
lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify
the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint but when the teacher had
them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the
children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
mouth and shouted, "Spit'em out, you guys, they're a**holes!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 08:29:25 +0000
From:    sarahsod <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - The Old Man and the Umbrella

The Old Man and the Umbrella -

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked
him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.  "I've got an eighteen year old
bride who's pregnant and having my child!  What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me
tell you a story.  I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.  He never
missed a season.  But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."  The doctor
continued, "So he was in the woods and suddently a grizzly bear
appeared in front of him!  He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at
the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.  "Someone else must have
shot that bear!"

"That's kind of what I'm getting at . . . . ." replied the doctor.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 08:48:39 EST
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age

Sent to me by a friend:
 1. Home is where you hang your @
 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
 5. Great groups from little icons grow.
 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
 10. The modem is the message.
 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
 12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
 13. A chat has nine lives.
 14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
 15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
 16. What boots up must come down.
 17. Windows will never cease.
 18. In Gates we trust.
 19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
 20. Modulation in all things.
 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
 22. There's no place like <http://www.home.com/>http://www.home.com
 23. Know what to expect before you connect.
 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
 25. Speed thrills.
 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
     Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 11:08:36 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Topical Jokes (adult themes, juvenile)

How about that LeAnn Rimes? That's the first time a 15 year old girl
has been at The Grammy's who wasn't married to Jerry Lee Lewis.

Barbra Streisand was too sick to perform at last night's Grammy
Awards. Apparently, her nauseatingly sweet relationship with alleged
actor James Brolin has caused a rare case of Spontaneous Diabetes.

Makers of a popular prescription acne medication plan to add a
warning to the label telling doctors to look out for depression and
suicidal tendencies in their patients, explaining: "These young kids
are squeezed, and squeezed until they just pop!"

In Washington, DC today, medical researchers are holding a
conference to examine the potential medical uses of marijuana. It's
the "First Annual Frito-Lay Rold-Gold Nip-Chee Conference on
Medicinal Cannabis."

America Online's European version has attracted one million
customers just two years after being launched. Of course, when you
log on in France, a voice says "Why have you not you checked your
mail, you nasty person?"

Inspectors now finally have access to Saddam Hussein's sprawling
presidential palaces, and although they have not found chemical
weapons yet ... they did find Kato Kaelin!

Hillary Rodham Clinton unveiled a website devoted to the history and
legacy of America's first ladies. Learn all about their important
contributions to our nation, or if your attention wanders -- follow
the helpful link to http://www.oralinterns.com.

Fred Goldman will host "Search for Justice with Fred Goldman," on
UPN. This leaves Rosa Lopez as the only remaining personality from
the O.J. trial who does not have a media gig.

A Chinese national is in custody on charges he conspired to sell
body parts from executed Chinese prisoners. Authorities were tipped
off by a menu found in his house listing "General Tso's Liver."

Officials in Warsaw, Poland have approved Michael Jackson's plans
for a $500 million amusement park. Visitors to Glansland! will enjoy
thrilling rides like: "The Facelift" and "Pedophiles of the
Caribbean."

ABC has given Ellen DeGeneres "strong indications" that her series
will not be renewed next season. Apparently, ABC thought it could
accomplish the same thing and save millioins of dollars by simply
runing a crawler on the bottom of the screen: [... Ellen DeGeneres
is gay! ... Do you hear me: gay! ... Gay, I Tell You! The woman is
gay ...]

I thought Hanson should have won Best Performance by a Duo or Vocal
Group, but I was glad they got "Most Likely To Be Abused by Michael
Jackson."

President Clinton is in Florida surveying the scene of this week's
swarm of tornadoes. "I feel your pain," he said, "I know the painful
aftermath of getting blown."

The Pentagon and FBI are investigating recent successful attempts by
computer "hackers" to invade U.S. government computers. One clue was
that a teenager, Marvin Snotberg was somehow identified as
"Ambassador to Gillian Anderson" on U.S. government computers.

Elton John was formally knighted at age 50 this week. For a man who
has handled many, many "sceptres" in his life, he seemed genuinely
moved over this one.


Original Humor Content; Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 10:24:49 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Offensive to Americans?

Working for the military one often runs across some interesting
stuff.......

>From a Russian document:
"one of the serious problems in planning against American doctrine
is that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any
obligations to follow their doctrine."
			---------------------

>Quote from a German general officer:
"The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that
war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily
basis."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 11:50:28 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Henny Youngman Tribute

Henny Youngman Jokes!

The King of the one-liners, Mr. Henny Youngman, died the other day.
His jokes are both legendary and ubiquitous.

The ones that follow  (a collection of his "wife" jokes) were found a
      http://members.home.net/daughters/henny.htm

I'm sure where ever Mr. Youngman is right now, things are a bit cheerier
there.
			************************

Wife Jokes:

Take my wife, please!

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got
out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,
"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores
went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So
what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a
week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over
and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone
is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
"No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the
hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to
aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in
here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 09:37:57 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Being a TA part 1

I got this from a friend who got it from Paul Dmt

 The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching
 Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors

  LATE HOMEWORK
  When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for
  full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be
  awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have
  time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.

  DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
  1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins,
     announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's
     lecture. Then leave.
  2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class,
     try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they
     are going to flunk your class.

  LECTURES
  1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use
     the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up
     with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing
     this.
  2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about,
     the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to
     incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length.
     Then at the end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them
     they'll just have to get the material from the book.

  GRADING
  1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to
     grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell
     "DUMB" when seen from a distance.
  2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to
     quick and easy grading:
	20 % Name
	20 % Penmanship
	50 % Homework is stapled together
	10 % The work itself
     Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.

  GRADING ERRORS
   If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their
   exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam,
   promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect
   the heat from you onto student A.

  EXTRA CREDIT
  1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they
     didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them.
     Some good extra credit problems are:
	Solve the dining philosophers problem, using semaphores.
	Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64.
	Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit
	Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
	Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
  2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit
     work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in
     the work, decide against it.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 15:19:02 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: police explanation

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign.
He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing
for traffic.  What the driver didn't know was a policeman was watching
the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car
two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me
         for, man."

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!"

Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?"

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began bonking it over
the mans head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Womp! Bang!

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 17:01:06 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Announcement, Please Read (NOT a joke)

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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 18:44:24 -0500
From:    Barry Johnson <barryj@TECHNOLOGIST.COM>
Subject: Scotsman (slightly adult)

This came off Doctor Demento's 25 year Anniversary CD.

Well, Scotman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye,
See yon sleeping Scotman, so strong and handsome built,
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.

They crept up on the that sleeping Scotsman, as quiet as could be.
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see,
And there behold for them to view beneath his scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God has graced him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along.
As a gift, they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled toward the trees,
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks as what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
Oh, lad, I don't know where you've been, but I see you won first prize.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pier/5132

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 17:37:44 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Dave Barry on electricity

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
important electrical lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.

Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.
               -- Dave Barry

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 21:46:14 EST
From:    TheMan5000 <TheMan5000@AOL.COM>
Subject: The World's Easiest Quiz <not offensive>

 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

 2) Which country makes Panama hats?

 3) From which animal do we get catgut?

 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

 7) What was King George VI's first name?

 8) What color is a purple finch?

 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?


 (Answers tommorow)
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Feb 1998 09:28:45 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: POOPIE stuff-Part 2/2 <more Non-clean stuff>

THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
Now you see it, now you don't.  This poopie is playing games with you.
Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to poopie (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
are nowhere near facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance
to the Drinker's Poopie.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in
the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
God when you actually CAN'T poopie.

PREMEDITATED POOPIE
Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a "Still Going" poopie.

THE POWER DUMP POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
Lincoln Log Poopie.)

THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got
to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTTHOLE" POOPIE
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poopie. The shape and size
of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up
to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of
your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles
and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE &*(& DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for
air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the
place.

THE "YOU'VE GOT POOPIE ON YOUR SHOES, YOU POOPIE SHOE IDIOT" POOPIE
No explanation required.


* "Love is grand..divorce is a hundred grand!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Feb 1998 - Special issue
*************************************************

