HUMOR Digest - 25 Feb 1998 - Special issue
There are 19 messages totalling 1018 lines in this issue.

Topics in this special issue:

  1. Insurance
  2. FW: The Plaid Dildo<adult humor>
  3. Short Tales: Rated (Sexual)
  4. Quick Wit Retort (language)
  5. Spanking <clean, slightly kinky>
  6. Continuous Re-Engineering!!!!!!
  7. You Might Be In Education If...
  8. Greatest man that ever lived
  9. A Present For The Wife's Birthday <humor?>
 10. STARR TO PROBE COLUMNIST CHARON (satire, parody)
 11. Computers are Female (not off)
 12. Blowing chunks    (adult)
 13. A cloudbust of ironic humor
 14. Dog Fight (in off)
 15. Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
 16. Some short and sweet ones
 17. Top5 - 2/26/98 - Rejected Top5 List Slogans
 18. HUMOR - Senior Sex
 19. POOPIE stuff - Part 1/2!<certainly NOT clean ;)>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 02:54:28 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Insurance

* A friend of mine had no life insurance, but he did have plenty
  of fire insurance.  His widow, practical woman that she was,
  had him cremated.
                                - - - - -

* Yet another friend was just the opposite.  He almost busted the
  family budget with his many life insurance policies.  In fact,
  every time he left the house, his wife would stand in the door,
  wave, and say, "Take chances !"
                                - - - - -

*   My insurance company reduced my rates again for not having any
  vehicle accidents.  As my agent presented the award, he wanted to
  know the secret of driving for so many years accident free.
    I told him, "Easy, I read a long time ago that 4 out of every
  10 accidents are alcohol related.  I always drink before I drive
  to have the odds in my favor."
    Damn fool wanted to cancel my policy on the spot.
                                - - - - -

*   One of the benefits allowed Maryland State Highway employees when
  they retire is group life insurance.
    I signed up for the maximum.  Now, if I die in a group, Mrs JimJr
  will be one rich lil' lady.
                                - - - - -

*   When one of the neighbor's boys got married, I told him it was
  time to start thinking about some life insurance.
    He said, "Nah, Mr. Jim.  I don't think Bonnie's that dangerous."
                                - - - - -

* In retrospect, I guess I should have gone with the Allstate Insurance
  Company.  All of their TV commercials show them giving people a hand.
  All my insurance company has ever given me was the finger.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 10:02:43 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: The Plaid Dildo<adult humor>

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss
comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you
handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's
positive comments he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes
in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

He answers, "$35."

She: "How much for the black one?"

He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"

He: "$35."

She: "How much for the white one?"

He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've  never had a white one
before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks
for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid
one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the saleman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 01:02:58 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Short Tales: Rated (Sexual)

Masquarade Party
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat
down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he
asked, "Going to a party ?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to
come dressed as my love life." But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested
the barkeep. "That's right. .... My last four scores were seven years
ago."

Sewage
This notice comes to the site from Hydrogenics, an organization, in
Australia. Years ago, Bondi Beach in Sydney was notorious as a result of
a nearby raw sewage outlet. But the bathers swam undeterred, despite
many saying .... "They just went through the movements."

The Lawyer
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were
sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer
saying, .... "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the
balls."

The Pursuit
In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his childhood sweetheart
Morag, are wed. In the Honeymoon bed, Morag lays down the law: 'Now that
we are wed, I have one rule. If you are ever unfaithful to me I'll chop
your genitals off!!' Years pass peacefully, until one day Morag returns
home to find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word, she runs
out to the garden and returns with a set of garden sheers and exacts her
revenge. Still gripping the severed parts, she leaps into her car and
flees. She speeds through the village, swerving from left to right in
her rage. This attracts the attention of two local policemen, Bill and
Bob, who take off in pursuit. Seeing them in her rear view mirror, Morag
panics, winds down the window and hurls out the evidence, which thumps
with a bloody splat! on Bob and Bill's windscreen. 'Mother of God'
swears Bill, .... 'Did you see the size of the dick on that fly?'

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 18:08:19 -0800
From:    Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Quick Wit Retort (language)

Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he
lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the kind of
town where you shave and the trolly stops. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh,
the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best
seat in the house, and was seated hours before the first trapeze act.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the
elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in
full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple
volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight
clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in
that very seat. The young man stood up.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the
horse?"

The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly through
crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for days, and
mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason overcame his grief
and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get
even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," exclaimed
the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at
Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read.

Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a class in "Quick Wit
Retort." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!"
So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a
few weeks, the man mastered the materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.

Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of
UNLV. It read:

Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit
Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete
your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your
expenses.

To make a long story short :-), the man made straight A's in the QWR
program. He was awarded numerous distinctions, and when he graduated, the
graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the man the Presidential Medal of
Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by Ronnie himself!

Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a lear-jet to pick the man up
for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If
you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will
never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to say, the man
promptly moved to Cambridge.

In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was
known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word
had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very proud.
Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on
technical questions of QWR.

One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the man
noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile
crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant, "We
must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the downlands
of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was to be his.

The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat
in section A, row Y, seat 42.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the
elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in
full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple
volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight
clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the
horse?"

The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and
said in the loudest voice you can imagine:

FUCK YOU, CLOWN!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 13:32:55 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Spanking <clean, slightly kinky>

MUGABE RECOMMENDS SPANKING
In an unusual breach of protocol, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe
on Friday suggested that the United States ambassador to Zimbabwe
deserves a "spanking" from US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.
Speaking on a television broadcast marking his 74th birthday, Mugabe
lashed  out at Western nations for criticizing his plans to seize
white-owned farms.
Singling out US ambassador Tom McDonald, Mugabe said: "When I see
Miss Albright I will tell her to give him a spanking on his backside
and tell him to behave."  US officials said on Monday that they are
considering  their response.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 07:26:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Continuous Re-Engineering!!!!!!

          Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions
                (What they say versus what they mean)
   =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

 1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
  (We are still guessing at this point.)

 2. Close project coordination.
  (We sat down and had coffee together.)

 3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
  (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

 4. Major technological breakthrough!
  (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

 5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
  (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

 6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
  (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

 7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
  (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

 8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
  (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

 9. It is in process.
  (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely
   hopeless.)

 10. We will look into it.
  (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

 11. Please note and initial.
  (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

 12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
  (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
   with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

 13. Give us your interpretation.
  (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

 14. See me or let's discuss.
  (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

 15. All new.
  (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

 16. Rugged.
  (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

 17. Robust!
  (Rugged, but more so)

 18. Light weight.
  (Slightly lighter than rugged)

 19. Years of development.
  (One finally worked)

 20. Energy saving.
  (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

 21. No maintenance.
  (Impossible to fix)

 22. Low maintenance.
  (Nearly impossible to fix)

 23. Fax me the data.
  (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

 24. We are following the standard!
  (That's the way we have always done it!)

 25. I didn't get your e-mail.
  (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 06:34:35 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: You Might Be In Education If...

Author unknown--sent to me by a fellow teacher.  Enjoy!


You Might Be In Education If...

* You can converse in middle schoolease.

* Your last nerve is a distant memory...

* Every day is a bad hair day.

* You find humor in public parental discipline.

* You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violiations.

* You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.

* You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to "Walk!"

* Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be
  that age again...

* You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only
  work 8 - 3 and have your summers free."

* You refer to adults as "boys and girls"

* You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper"

* You believe chocolate is a major food group.

* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

* You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the
  report card.

* You believe that unspeakble evils will befall you if anyone says,
  "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."

* When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are
  misbehaving.

* You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."

* You have no life from August through June.

* Putting all "A"s on the report card would be so much easier.

* You think people should be required to get a government permit
  before being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle
  school for 5 years.

* You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.

* You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you
  can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

* You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.

* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is
  this kid like that?"


* Another brilYunt mind DiZtroyed by da publik edukashun sistem.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 07:25:52 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Greatest man that ever lived

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small
town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her
position to try to influence the new student. She asks the
class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington
was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father
of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good
answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think
Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he
freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's
another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think
Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The
teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,
"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to
the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he
is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"

The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's
Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."


http://www.rcjokelist.com

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 10:43:45 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Present For The Wife's Birthday <humor?>

  Someone forwarded this already-several-times forwarded joke to me.
                     *************

  A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to
     get my wife for her birthday.  She has everything.  Besides, she can
     afford to buy anything she wants so I'm stumped."

  His buddy says, "I have an idea.  Why don't you make up a certificate
     saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex any way she wants it?
     She'll probably be thrilled."

  So the fellow did.

  The next day his buddy says, "Well, did you take my suggestion?"
     "Yes, I did," replies the fellow.

     "Did she like it?"

     "Oh yes!  She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and
     ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 10:34:47 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: STARR TO PROBE COLUMNIST CHARON (satire, parody)

STARR TO PROBE COLUMNIST CHARON:
CITES OBSTRUCTIONS OF JUSTICE VIOLATIONS

Washington, D.C. (FPI). Famed conservative Republican newspaper columnist, Moaner Charon, has been given a grand jury subpoena. The date of her Starr chamber interrogation has not been announced.

The ACLU and the Washington Press Club rushed to defend Charon. Opinion
makers almost unanimously have condemned Kenneth Starr for this latest
outrage. Starr is persecuting the Clinton administration about a wide
range of wrong-doings.

Fellow columnist Art Buchwald defended his friend, "Everybody in the
journalism community knows that Moaner doesn't know a damn thing about
Whitewater or Lewinsky. What information does he (Starr) think she can give
that grand jury? All she know how to do is annoy liberals. I don't know why
Kenneth Starr should complain about that."

A source close of the investigation reasons that Charon has contributed to
a hostile climate. Charon's syndicated column is known to be avidly read
about most members of the Starr cabinet. She has beat the drums of
impeachment since Clinton was elected in 1992. Starr argues she deliberately
distorted information which she knew would be digested by his people.
She is well known to have re-written fabricated stories. Starr needs to determined whether Ms. Charon intentionally tried to pressure his cabinet
to continue the Whitewater muddle when there no evidence of illegal conduct
by the President or his wife.

If Starr can prove Charon had evil intent, then an obstruction of justice
indictment "will chill that bitch."

Presidential prosecutor, Kenneth Starr met briefly with selected members of
the press. "We are writing a new book for the Presidential prosecutor's
office. If you think the elite press is going to leave me holding the
Whitewater bag, you're crazy. Ever the good citizens of Peoria know that it
has been the press who have kept this investigation going."

Starr is known to have been particularly irked by a column Charon wrote last
year. Starr tried to resign his job as Presidential prosecutor to become the
Dean of the most famous law school in Malibu, California. In her column,
Charon questioned Starr's manhood.

"Never again will journalists openly manipulate a Presidential prosecutor
just so they can make more money," said Starr .

Friends of Moaner Charon, famed writer, speculate that Starr is using her
as a scapegoat for his own inadequacies. There are after all so many
reporters and opinion-makers who have benefited from keeping the Whitewater
investigation going. So why pick on Charon? They point out that Starr's own
Arkansas background was corrupted with anti-Semitism. Charon is a Jew. His
own antipathy for professional women is consistent with his fundamentalist
upbringing. A loud, fast talking Moaner Charon simply irritates the genteel
Starr.

The New York Post reports that Charon's publisher has agree to stop publishing
her column. In return Starr has agreed not to file a civil suit against them
to collect all or part of the $50 million spent in the persecution of President
and Mrs. Clinton. This report cannot be confirmed by independent sources. Ms.
Charon refused to return our frequent calls.


Note: I know you don't think this is humor, but it is.
      It is a form of humor called satire and parody.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 09:06:47 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Computers are Female (not off)

The top six reasons computers are female.

6.  As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5.  No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4.  Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
    for future reference.

3.  The native language used to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.  The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
    "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
     to tell you".

     AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half of your paycheck on accessories for it!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 01:17:03 -0700
From:    jason m sanchez <ozero0@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Blowing chunks    (adult)

This lady walks into a bar and sits next to this man. He asks to buy her
a drink. Se gladly excepts and tells the bartender she would like a coke.
The man says no no no no, i mean a real drink. Se then says that she had
just quit. He asks why. She says because she doesn't like having
designated drivers. "He says well yea, that happens sometimes." She then
replies by saying"but i get real sick and have hangovers."he says "well
ya if you drink to much that will happen."she says" well ya but when i
get sick i blow chunks. i blow chunks everywhere....in the kitchen, on
the table, in the bathroom, in the dining room. I blow chunks
everywhere!" the man replies by saying that if you get to drunk then that
will sometimes happen. She says "no no no no you don't understand. Chunks
is my dog!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 16:20:26 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: A cloudbust of ironic humor

Rural gossips are just as meanspirited as their urban counterparts
(e.g., Washington, D.C.), but rural gossips are much more accurate.

Why is it that special news reports always interrupt the programs,
but never the commercials?

Ken Starr's okay, but he's no Joe McCarthy. Now that was a
prosecutor!

I can hear John Glenn in space now: "Help, I've fallen up and I can't
get down."

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

My sister is so stupid. She got a ticket today because I told her
any stop sing outlined in white is =stoptional,= and she believed me.

Whitewater, White House, white trash.

If the pay is peanuts, then the workers will be monkeys.

I need a bumper sticker that says, "Hang up and dirve."

Have you ever noticed, the cheaper the car, the louder the
commercial? When was the last your heard someone screaming in order
to sell a Rolls-Royce?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 14:23:46 -0800
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Dog Fight (in off)

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that
if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the
whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one
dog fight.  They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
world.  The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk.  They used steroids and
trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the
world had ever seen.  Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches
thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal.  It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog.  The Russian dog snarled
and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund.  But,
when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up
to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand
how this could have happened.  We had our best people working for five
years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and
the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied.  "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 19:27:04 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths

THE "PREDICTED" TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS

         10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
          9) Susan Lucci-Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps
             to accept an Emmy
          8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
          7) Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
          6) RuPaul - Prostate Cancer
          5) O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an apparent
             suicide
          4) Madonna - Exposure
          3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
          2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease

  and the "Predicted" NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH

          1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 06:15:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Some short and sweet ones

>Sent From: janinelove@juno.com (Janine A Lovekamp)

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of
a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old
farmer's field.  The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to
investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sherriff came out, saw the crashed bus,
and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"  The old farmer
replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them
politicians lie."
				================

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just don't have film.
				================

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs
to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!
				================

A duck walks into Burger King and says,  "I'll have four Whoppers, four
fries and four Dr Peppers."
The counter guy says,  "Ok, that will be $17.85."
The duck says,  "Put it on my bill."
				===============

"This week Saddam Hussein invited Newt Gingrich to visit Iraq.  You
think Clinton was tempted to bomb Iraq before, wait'll Gingrich gets
there.

---
Seattle: An Indian word meaning 52 degrees and raining.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 22:14:18 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/26/98 - Rejected Top5 List Slogans

                       February 26, 1998

             The Top 15 Rejected Top5 List Slogans

16> You don't need Metamucil to get your daily #2!

15> Yeah, Einstein, we KNOW there's more than 5 items.

14> A day without Top5 is like a day that's more productive.

13> Laugh, or your grandpa gets it!

12> The Internet: It's not just for porn any more.

11> To get an easier cheap thrill on a work day, you'd have
    to be President.

10> Just as many laughs, without that whiny Paul Schaffer.

 9> Just strip off the credits and forward to friends, you
    schmucks.  Like they'll really think YOU wrote it, anyway.

 8> You don't have to like it -- It's free!

 7> Enjoy comedy, but tired of meeting, seeing, or hearing
    other human beings?

 6> Cyber Fiber for Your Morning Howl Movement

 5> It's the "asked-for" Spam.

 4> We Ain't Mathematicians

 3> Got tofu?

 2> Pissing Off Girl Scout Troops Since 1997

    and the Number 1 Rejected Top5 List Slogan...

 1> We Put the F.U. in FUN!


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 22:38:05 +0000
From:    sarahsod <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - Senior Sex

A man in a retirement center asked one of the female residents if she
would take $100. to have sex with him.  She agreed thinking it
would be an easy way to supplement social security.

As they were going at it, he would literally bounce away from her, at
the same times her legs would fly up in the air.  After about four
tries, he said, "Had I know you were a virgin, I would have offered
$200."

She responded, "If I'd know you could get it up, I would have removed
my panty-hose!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Feb 1998 09:34:49 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: POOPIE stuff - Part 1/2!<certainly NOT clean ;)>

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.

THE CORN POOPIE
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NORTORIUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE-
The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts
out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
Also known as the "Power Dump".  That's the kind that comes out of your
butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID POOPIE
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD POOPIE
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
A poopie so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface
after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A poopie which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage in
a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.


* "Love is grand..divorce is a hundred grand!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Feb 1998 - Special issue
*************************************************

