HUMOR Digest - 24 Feb 1998 to 25 Feb 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Wild Blue Yonder
  2. Orpheus
  3. Humor:Quotes about beer
  4. Newspaper Article (non-offensive)
  5. <No subject given>
  6. Hitch-Hiking (Adult)
  7. Bad golfer <F-word>
  8. Men's Fashion Rules
  9. Outbursts about current and personal events
 10. The Actual Picture <clean>
 11. Winter Olympics
 12. Monica again...

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Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 02:33:32 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Wild Blue Yonder

* If the Good Lord really would have intended us to fly,
  He would have made it easier to get to the airport.
                                - - - - -

* Those of you who have never flown on a commuter flight,
  be aware they serve no food.  These days, most of them
  just land at a McDonald's & give ya 15 minutes to eat.
                                - - - - -

*   The woman was berating the man at the ticket counter
  severely for the incoming flight being so late, since it
  was a turn-around, and would also serve as the one out.
    "I could stick some feathers up my rear and get there
  much faster." she ranted.
    "Madam," the clerk replied, "all of the runways are
  currently clear."
                                - - - - -

*   Have y'all ever noticed that when you're at 40,000 feet
  going 800 mph, you can roam the about plane at will.
    Yet, when you're safely on the ground, going to or from
  the terminal at 5-20 mph, you're supposed to remain in
  your seat "for your own safety".
                                - - - - -

*   I never minded flying on a cheaper commuter flight to
  save a few bucks.  But one time in Texas, we had to make
  a detour to dust some crops.
                                - - - - -

*   A woman and I were standing on the observation deck in
  Abilene Texas one time.  She stared up into the sky and
  said, "I hate to be up there in an airplane."
    I replied, "I'd hate to be up there without one !"


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 23:57:59 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Orpheus

Orpheus, the great musician was believed to be the son of the god,
Apollo, and the muse, Calliope. He married Eurydice, and loved her
dearly. When she died, he went to the underworld to convince Pluto, the
lord of the underworld, to let him bring her back. Pluto, at that time,
was finding it difficult to sell evil spirits. He began renting them for
long periods instead. Orpheus took two so he could be ... the leaser of
two evils.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 08:39:03 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Quotes about beer

 Thoughts on Beer and Drinking

 You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
 an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
 some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
  --Frank Zappa

 Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That
 will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
  --Ernest Hemmingway

 Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
 than alcohol has taken out of me.
  --Winston Churchill

 He was a wise man who invented beer.
  --Plato

 Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
  --Catherine Zandonella

 A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
 thank her.
  --W.C. Fields

 Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
  --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

 Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
  --His reply

 If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
 stomachs.
  --David Daye

 Work is the curse of the drinking class.
  --Oscar Wilde

 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
  --Henny Youngman

 Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  --Benjamin Franklin

 If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I
 bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
  --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

 Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
 mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
 fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
 with pizza.
  --Dave Barry

 The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
 behind.
  --Humphrey Bogart

 Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
  --David Moulton

 People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer;
 they just like to pee alot.
  --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

 Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
  --Kaiser Welhelm

 I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
  --Homer Simpson

 Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
 oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
 ingredient in beer.
  --Dave Barry

 I drink to make other people interesting.
  --George Jean Nathan

 They who drink beer will think beer.
  --Washington Irving

 An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
 with his fools.
  --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  --Dean Martin

 All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
 just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
  --Homer Simpson

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 12:26:48 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Newspaper Article (non-offensive)

     In today's (Feb 24, 1998) Washington Post, there is an article about
     restaurants and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)
     charging many with unfair hiring practices.

     The article says "But what may have turned the case was the EEOC's
     statistical evidence saying that 44 percent of the female servers
     working in Miami Beach were female."

     My question is what are the other 56 percent of the female servers?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 15:11:37 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

A butcher is working, and really busy.  He notices a dog in
his shop and shoos him away.  Later, he notices the dog is
back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog
has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it
reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth,
there is a ten dollar bill.  So the butcher takes the money,
puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the
dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time,
he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he
goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a
crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
crossing button.  Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for
the lights to change.  They do, and he walks across the road,
with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop,
and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at
this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of
the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus.  The dog walks to the front of the bus,
looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.  Another bus
comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices
it's the right bus, and climbs on.  The butcher, by now
open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs.  Eventually
the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing
on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus.  The dog
gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still
following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a
house.  He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the
step.  Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and
throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the
path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the
door again!  There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back
down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the
perimeter of the garden.  He gets to a window, and bangs his head
against it several times.  He walks back, jumps off the wall,
and waits at the door.  The butcher watches as a big guy opens
the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy.  "What the heck are you
doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's  sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second
time this week he's forgotten his key!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 22:09:42 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Hitch-Hiking (Adult)

This Polish girl is hitch-hiking. When a truck finally pulls over & she
gets in, she immediately notices a huge radio mounted on the dashboard &
asks, "What in the world is that thing?"

The trucker answers, "That there's the most powerful CB radio in the
world. You can talk to damn near anybody in the world on that thing!"

"Anybody in the world?!" she replies, "I'd do ANYTHING if I could talk
to my mom back in Warsaw right now!"

At this point the trucker realizes she's taking him literally & decides
to take full advantage. "You'd do anything?", he asks. "I'll bet you & I
can work something out!" He then unzips his pants, takes out his dick &
points at it with an evil grin.

The Polish girl pauses for a second, then shrugs her shoulders, scoots
across the seat next to him, and leaning over with her mouth at his
crotch, takes his dick in her hands & yells "HELLO, MOM?"


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 19:56:48 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bad golfer <F-word>

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer:  "Whack!"  "Fuck!"
Bad Skydiver:  "Fuck!!"  "Whack!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 20:21:32 +0000
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Men's Fashion Rules

The Rules of Men's Fashion

Rule #1: A man must never buy pants with the word "bottom" in the
name, such as "Cavernous Bottom", "Bulbous Bottom", "Bottomless
Bottom" or "My God, is that your Bottom?" jeans.

Rule #2: Before purchasing any item of clothing, a man must raise his
right hand and repeat aloud the following somber pledge: "I [your name
here] do solemnly swear that [clothes item here] does not make me look
like Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, Grease or Urban Cowboy. So
help me, John."

Rule #3: A man must walk out of the store if a clerk makes reference
at any time to his crotch, particularly the dreaded comment/accusation
"it's a little roomy in the crotch there, isn't it sir?" As for the
unexpected reverse crotch fabric yank and tuck maneuver executed at
many finer men's stores, you can expect to hear from our lawyers.

Rule #4: A man must show no hint of style or flair and strive at all
times to approximate Stalin-era work camp garb. To help resist the
urge to improvise, simply recall those 70's shirts with french street
scenes, long beagle dog collars, and absolutely no natural fibers.
These were once thought to be stylish. Men might still be wearing them
today, were it not for OSHA's landmark ruling that they were simply
too flammable for public use.

Rule #5: A man must never purchase clothes with visible writing,
unless it is related to sports or Bart Simpson. This is especially
true of Euro-sounding phrases like "Chunnel Boy" or sissified
concoctions such as "Mummsy's Yacht Club".

Rule #6: A man must never independently spend more than twenty dollars
on any item of clothing. Suits, and other big-ticket items are covered
in Appendix A: "Asking Mom for Help";

Rule #7: One item per category. If you are shopping with your mate and
she suggests "these slacks are nice," the proper response is "I
already *have* a pair of pants. When your one item is no longer
wearable, rise from the dinner table and announce with feeling "My
shirt is dead. I need a new one."


Original Humor Content; Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 21:56:47 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Outbursts about current and personal events

I had to explain to my husband that cards are mandatory for
Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, my birthday and our anniversary. Ain't
love grand?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I find it ironic that the talk radio hosts are complaining about the
president's truthfulness, yet all their programs seem to be based on
suspicion, gossip, hearsay and innuendo.

If everyone would try and be the person their dog thinks they are, it
would be a better world.

In a staff meeting our supervisor actually talked about "the high
morale in our office." Are supervisiors born clueless or is there
some class they take to acquire this skill.

I was eating at the Waffle House the other day when the patron behind
me asked to see the wine list.

"Titanic" is on its way to becoming the most popular movie ever, and
Bill Clinton is our most popular president in recent history. We
Americans apparently love a disaster.

I want to go on the record as saying that I have never had sexual
relations with Bill Clinton.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Iraq.

I think I'm infected with Monica-nucleosis.

Kenneth Starr is apparently growing rabbit ears.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Feb 1998 09:20:02 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Actual Picture <clean>

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover
the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some
of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick
that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to
photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a
plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and
arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where
a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He
jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the
little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"


* "Love is grand..divorce is a hundred grand!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 20:57:25 -0700
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Winter Olympics

In response to the 13 medals we brought home, and to help us bring home
more we came up with these things.

These are some events we should see in the next Winter Olympics 2002 in
Salt Lake City.

Air hockey: This game, one of great manual dexterity, has a winter sports
            theme and a wonderful tradition among U.S. baby boomers.

Snow shoveling: Participants receive medals based on how much snow they
                can move out of a 20-inch snow pile, accuracy of toss
                and, most important, artistic merit.

Splatball: A very American game that would be perfectly suited to the Winter
           Olympics. Teams could compete in gorgeous winter wonderland
           backgrounds. Obviously, the paint could not be white.

Synchronized ski-jumping: Traditionally, we have done nothing in ski jumping,
                          but we have a strong synchronized swimming tradition.
                          No reason that tradition cannot be transferred to
                          this event.

Slalom snow-plowing: What country is better known than America for its
                     varied and sophisticated snow-plowing equipment? Put
                     Hermann Maier in a plow, match him up against our
                     world-class drivers and then let's see how tough
                     this guy really is.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 23:02:00 -0600
From:    Thomas Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Monica again...

Did you hear our illustrious (infamous?) president Bubba Clinton gave up
the saxophone?

He took up the whoremonica...


http://home.earthlink.net/~twideman/

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Feb 1998 to 25 Feb 1998
************************************************

