HUMOR Digest - 23 Feb 1998 to 24 Feb 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 688 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Jewish Humor <some tolerance required>
  2. The Sect
  3. Wife control <clean>
  4. Religious Jokes <off. to Episc. and Baptists>
  5. Marriage Counselor
  6. Humor - Spelling Distraction
  7. Joke: February 23 - How to screw up an interview!
  8. How to Give Your Cat a Pill
  9. The F Word. (Need I say more) (Language!)
 10. Pigeons service to aid communication
 11. Getting the bird (one offensive word)
 12. Outbursts about current events
 13. Interviewing Blues <clean>
 14. A bad joke involving insects and alcohol
 15. Politically Incorrect banter...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 02:38:11 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Jewish Humor <some tolerance required>

* Many a Jewish girl is still single these days.
  She just hasn't met Dr. Right yet.
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the Jewish boy who flew to Tijuana for a
  quickie Bar Mitzvah.
                                - - - - -

* An El Al flight is about to take over.  Over the intercom
  the passengers hear, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.
  Your hostesses are Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern and
  Mrs. Esther Schwartz.  Now let me introduce you to my son,
  the pilot."
                                - - - - -

* With more and more papers being declassified, some light
  has just been shed on the real reason the Israelis won the
  Six-Day War.  It seems all the equipment was rented.
                                - - - - -

* Why are there so few Jewish Mothers who are alcoholics ?
  Because alcohol dulls the pain.
                                - - - - -

* All Jews have firm beliefs about birth.  They believe that
  a fetus is a fetus until it graduates from medical school.
                                - - - - -

* Why are Jewish Mothers always excused from jury duty ?
  They all insist that they're the guilty ones.
                                - - - - -

*   A priest and a rabbi were debating their callings.  The
  priest waxed eloquent about his chances for advancement.
    Each time, the rabbi was not impressed.  Finally, the
  Priest said, "What do you expect a man to become -- God ?"
    The rabbi smiled and replied, "Why not, you all believe
  one of our boys did."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 00:16:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Sect

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went
in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that
said 'NIL'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting
hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned to
a white-robed observer beside him and asked, .... "Is Nothing Sacred?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 11:04:48 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Wife control <clean>

There were three blokes talking in the pub.  Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third bloke remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your
wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you.  Just the other night my wife
came to me on her hands and knees.""
The first two blokes were amazed.
 "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 06:43:29 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Religious Jokes <off. to Episc. and Baptists>

*Yesterday I posted regarding the Olympics in Arkansas.  I
 inadvertently did not give credit to the authors.  It is from The Top
 Five List.  Iits website address is www.topfive.com. My apologies.

*These jokes were sent to me by a friend.  I am unaware of the author.
			=================

Did you hear about that new, liberal Episcopal church?
It has six commandments and four suggestions.
			=================

Why was Isaac 12 years old when God called Abraham to
sacrifice his son?

Because if he had been a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.
			=================

"Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing
with you?"

Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.  I invite two
and they won't drink any."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 06:18:40 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Marriage Counselor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was
to try counseling.  They had been at each other's throat for some time
and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor
for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long
face down without anything to say.  On the other hand, the wife began
talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor
went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately
for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless.

He looked over at the  husband who was staring in disbelief at what had
happened.  The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays."


http://www.rcjokelist.com

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 10:55:25 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Spelling Distraction

               Misspelling drives priest to distraction.

KOSCIUSKO,TX. -- Ever since being assigned to St. Ann's Catholic Church
here several years ago, the Rev. Edward Wanat has bristled each time he
passed a road sign bearing his town's name.

 A native of Poland, Wanat is appalled that every map, sign, the post
office and even state records misspell "Kosciuszko" by leaving the "z" out.
The town was named after revolutionary Polish-American war hero Tadeusz
Kosciuszko (pronounced "koz-chew-sko").

 Almost all of Wanat's flock is descended from the Silesian area of Poland
and he considers it a disgrace to have the name of such a famous native son
misspelled.

 "Can you imagine the reaction if a street or city was named after Gen.
Douglas MacArthur and somebody left out the `a' in the `Mac'?" he said. "It
would be intolerable and corrected immediately."

Someone recently suggested to Wanat that if he is unable to get the name of
Kosciusko spelled correctly, he always could retaliate by leading an effort
to rename his community after the hero's Polish birthplace:
Mereczowszczyzna.


Source: Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 11:54:34 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Joke: February 23 - How to screw up an interview!

                    HOW TO SCREW UP AN INTERVIEW
              Submitted by Ken Smith to JOKE of the day
                 ---------------------------------

We've all been interviewed for jobs.  And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do.  Don't bite your nails.  Don't
fidget.  Don't interrupt.  Don't belch.  If we did any of the don'ts, we knew
we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.  But some job applicants go light years
beyond this.  We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American
corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music
    at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office
     a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel
   executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
    and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup
    on hr sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by
    having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
    interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
    dancing around my office."

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went
    through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
    Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out
     a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping
     longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
    brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had
    to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant.  It was from his
    wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company?
    When do I start?   What's the salary?"
    I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any
    urther."  He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.

   "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job
    offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
     spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup
     and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the
     unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my
    desk.  When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and
    wanted my phone number.  I called security."

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that
    if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.  Disbelieving, I began
    to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call
    the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and
    ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 09:29:12 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: How to Give Your Cat a Pill

  1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms.  Cradle its head on your elbow,
     just as if you were giving a baby a bottle.  Coo confidently,
     "That's a nice kitty."  Drop the pill in its mouth.

  2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.

  3. Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down
     with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm.  Poke
     pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

  4. Retrieve cat from under bed.  Get new pill from bottle.  (resist
     impulse to get new cat.)

  5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
     bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over
     cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
     lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly!  Since your head is
     down by your knees,  you won't be able to see what you are doing.
     That's just as well.

  6. Leave cat hanging on drapes.  Leave pill in your hair.

  7 If you are a woman, have a good cry.  If you are a man, have a good
    cry.

  8. Now pull yourself together.  Who's the boss here anyway?  Retrieve
     cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss
     here anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!

  9. This isn't working, is it?  Collapse & think.  Aha!  Those  flashing
     calws are causing the chaos.

  10. Crawl to the linen closet.  Drag back a large beach towl.  Spread
      towel on floor.

  11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.

  12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

  13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach.  (resist impulse
      to flatten cat.)

  14. Roll cat in towel.  Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or
      woman!

  15. Resume position 1.  Rotate your left hand to cat's head.  Press
      its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

  16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently.  Voila!  It's done!

  17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's).  Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

  18. Take two asprins & lie down.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 15:24:30 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The F Word. (Need I say more) (Language!)

The profound meaning of the word FUCK:

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which,
just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In
language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be
used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive
(Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an action verb (John fucks Mary), a passive verb (Mary really
doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or
as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective
(Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my
date with John). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy,
fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of
the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word
can be used to describe many situations:

   1.  Greetings           "How the fuck are ya?"
   2.  Fraud               "I got fucked by the car dealer."
   3.  Resignation         "Oh, fuck it!"
   4.  Trouble             "I guess I'm fucked now."
   5.  Aggression          "FUCK YOU!"
   6.  Disgust             "Fuck me."
   7.  Confusion           "What the fuck.......?"
   8.  Difficulty          "I don't understand this fucking business!"
   9.  Despair             "Fucked again..."
 10. Pleasure            "I fucking couldn't be happier."
 11. Displeasure         "What the fuck is going on here?"
 12. Lost                "Where the fuck are we."
 13. Disbelief           "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
 14. Retaliation         "Up your fucking ass!"
 15. Denial              "I didn't fucking do it."
 16. Perplexity          "I know fuck all about it."
 17. Apathy              "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
 18. Suspicion           "Who the fuck are you?"
 19. Panic               "Let's get the fuck out of here."
 20. Directions          "Fuck off."
 21. Disbelief           "How the fuck did you do that?"

 It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
 It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
 It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
 It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
 It can be political- "Fuck Hillary!"
 It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
   "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
   "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
   "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
   "That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
   "Who's gonna fucking find out?"  Richard Nixon
   "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
   "What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
   "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
   "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
   "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
   "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
   "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
   "Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
   "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
   "Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah
   "Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
   "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
            - John F. Kennedy

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 19:51:59 -0500
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: Pigeons service to aid communication

India News Network Digest    Mon, 23  Feb 98     Volume 2 : Issue DC&DH
#5. Pigeons service to aid communication {Orissa: south-eastern Indian state}
#5. Kabutar ja ja ja! Pigeons service to aid communication on polls in remote
    areas

Cuttack: Orissa's Police Pigeon Service, the only one of its kind in the
country, is ready for a flying start during elections in the State on
Monday. The trained pigeons kept in 29 lofts spread across the State will
carry messages on law and order situation from remote and inaccessible
areas during the polling.

This unique winged courier service operating in the State police signal
establishment since 1946 has proved its worth time and again during
adverse conditions including natural calamities like floods and cyclones.
According to Superintendent of Police (Signals) D N Das, in-charge of the
pigeon service, a number of districts like Kalahandi, Koraput, Dhenkanal
and Angul had requested for the pigeon couriers as these districts are
surrounded by hills, deep ravines and dense forests posing hurdles to
conventional communication network.

Das said out of the three types of pigeon services - static, boomerang and
mobile - the pigeons trained in static (one way) and boomerang (two way)
services would be utilised for collection of election messages. The
distance to be covered by these pigeons for carrying messages, tied to
their legs, had been restricted to a maximum 60 km to and fro. In the last
Assembly and Lok Sabha polls in the State, these pigeons had rendered a
yeomen's service in different parts of the State.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 01:17:30 -0000
From:    johnbaggaley <johnbaggaley@ENTERPRISE.NET>
Subject: Getting the bird (one offensive word)

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a
relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the
next door neighbours turkeys and rushes back home, but not
before being caught in the act.

The next door neighbours knock on the door and explain what
the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand
him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave
the parrots head.

That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and
screws his neighbours turkeys again. The next morning the
owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and
in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit
the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to
greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side to the left and Brides
side to the right". Until two bald guys walk in and he says,
"And you two Turkey fu**ers up on the piano with me!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 20:58:24 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Outbursts about current events

Source: Atlanta Journal/Constitution's The Vent column.

Be nice to other people. They outnumber you 5.5 to one.

Instead of sending all the warships, planes and troops to Iraq, why
don't we just send over Timothy McVeigh, Theodore Kaczynski and Terry
Nichols? Those three should be able to shake things up.

Clinton needs a new spokesman. I'd like to nominate Jerry Springer.

My wife tells me I should become a TV weatherman because I'm overpaid
and I'm always wrong.

I asked a friend of mine if he was keeping up with this Monica
Lewinsky stuff. "Just the jokes," he said.

I have a suggestion to end sexual harassment in the workplace. Make
all the men dress like speedskaters.

Some people go through life standing at the complaint counter.

I had to fill out a generic form for my 2-year-old son and in the
space where it said occupation, I put escape artist.

When you consider all the business Bill Clinton generates, I think he
should get a discount from his trial lawyers.

I can name every single woman Clinton ever allegedly had an affair
with, but I can't name a single member of his Cabinet.

Kenneth Starr says that he is conducting the Monica Lewinsky
investigation by the book. Apparently the book he is talking about
is "Mein Kampf."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 09:41:10 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Interviewing Blues <clean>

We've all been interviewed for jobs.  And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do.  Don't bite your nails.  Don't
fidget.  Don't interrupt.  Don't belch.  If we did any of the don'ts, we
knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.  But some job applicants go light
years beyond this.  We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major
American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job
applicants.

The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music
    at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office
     a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel
   executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
    and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup
    on hr sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by
    having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
    interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
    dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went
   through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
    Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out
     a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping
     longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
    brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had
    to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant.  It was from his
    wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company?
    When do I start?   What's the salary?"
    I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any
    further."  He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.
   "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job
    offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
     spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup
     and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the
     unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my
    desk.  When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and
    wanted my phone number.  I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that
    if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.  Disbelieving, I began
    to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call
    the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and
    ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 21:46:37 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: A bad joke involving insects and alcohol

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Bar tender?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Feb 1998 00:05:35 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Politically Incorrect banter...

The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show Politically
Incorrect between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson,
who defended the Menendez brothers:

Bill:  When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie:  When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill:  You defended the Menendez kids.  What do you care about facts?

Leslie:  I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you
         absolutely don't know anything about the trial.

Bill:  I knew they blew their parents' heads off.

Leslie:  No, they didn't.  They didn't blow their parents heads off.

Bill:  The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?

Leslie:  No!

Bill:  What did they do?

Leslie:  They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Feb 1998 to 24 Feb 1998
************************************************

