HUMOR Digest - 22 Feb 1998 to 23 Feb 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 566 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. Shaggy Dog Stories
  3. <No subject given>
  4. The Nuances of Language
  5. Humor - It's A Wacky World! (weird)
  6. Haiku Error Message Contest (4 of 4)
  7. Arkansas Olympics <off. to Arkansas residents>
  8. Surd-Times : Four Sardars <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Feb 1998 02:28:10 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report

Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic report that is sent to all of the
HumorList subscribers once a month.

This is not a plug for one of my humor sites (honest) but if
any of you ever need a monthly report for any purpose, you'll
find them at:   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Currently, I have the Dec 97, the 1997 Annual, & the Jan 1998
reports posted there.  This one will be posted shortly.

Please note my e-mail address for any questions y'all may
have:  jimjr@qis.net      ("QIS.NET")

                                                JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

             Traffic Report for HUMOR, 15 February - 21 February

                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week

 15  Sunday           18       11       12       11       12
 16  Monday           22       17        9       17       15
 17  Tuesday          20       14       14       14       11
 18  Wednesday        19       11       17       14       15
 19  Thursday         14       11       14       15       17
 20  Friday           10       10       15       15       15
 21  Saturday         13        5       17        6        6

   (Average)          17       11       14       13       13

Subscriptions      9,714    8,098    8,189    8,160    8,171
Countries             92      103      104      105      105
Contributors         810      704      678      683      729

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin boards,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.

        The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Bermuda, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei, Bulgaria, Canada,
Chile,  China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba,
Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt,
El Salvador, England, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong,
Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy,
Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia,
Lebanon,  Lithuania,  Luxembourg,  Macedonia,  Malaysia,  Malta,
Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands,
New Zealand, Northern Ireland,  Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines,
Poland,  Portugal,  Qatar, Romania,  Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland,
Singapore,  Slovakia,  Slovenia,  South Africa,  Spain,  Sri Lanka,
Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago,
Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela,
Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe

Total countries: 105

           Email me if your country is not listed here.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
HUMOR GOALS

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning requirement)


HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)

Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive

One contribution per day

Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted
Discussion, requests, and criticisms are not to be posted
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions

Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max)
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art or sig file

A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Send an e-mail to:  listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

   SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname      subscribe
   GET HUMOR GUIDE                           become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR                               check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR                             leave the list
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P                           leave contributor's list
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

If you have any questions, please email me at jimjr@qis.net ("QIS.NET")

And now for a contribution of humor:

   The TV Evangelist was notorious for his swigging down the bubbly.
One night, after a record-setting revival meeting and subsequent
celebration, he stumbles to his car in the parking lot.
   An aide stopped him and said, "Reverend, you really oughtn't drive
in that condition."
   The preacher tried to focus and appear sober, then replied, "Never
fear -- the Lord is with me."
   The aide said, "Reverend, as drunk as you are, maybe He ought to
ride with me tonight."

                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Feb 1998 00:04:04 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Shaggy Dog Stories

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some
extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local
temple if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men
went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided
that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their
profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to
look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he
started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once
there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with
rain. As the rain hit the temple the paint started running. Suddenly, as
the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ...
"Repaint and thin no more."

At the height of the French Revolution, Robespierre, the man most
responsible for the Reign of Terror, was determined to capture a bold
and elusive count who was the head of an effective resistance movement
near Versailles. Finally, the count was captures, but all efforts to
persuade him to reveal the names of his associates failed. He was
offered life imprisonment, plus the safety of his family. Still, he
would not answer. They tried the rack, but he continued to refuse to
talk. Finally, he was taken to the guillotine. At the very last moment,
his nerve failed and he cried out, "I'll talk! I'll talk! I'll tell
all!" Alas, the blade had already been released , and it severed the
count's head clean as a whistle. Robespierre was outraged by the news
and gave his executioner a terrific bawling out. "How often do I have to
caution you," he thundered, ... "Don't hatchet your counts before they
chicken!"


Bo Johnson won first prize in the decathlon at the 1992 Olympic Games.
As is the custom, his wife Judy was asked to present the wreath to the
victor. It was Bo's first time in the Olympics, so he didn't know what
to do with the wreath and just flung it over his arm! Immediately, a
voice from the stands shouted, ...  "Judy's garland goes somewhere
over the brain, Bo!"

Two dozen plus two athletes lined up to present the garland amidst a
crowd of one hundred forty four onlookers. The athletes were cheering
and laughing at Bo's mistake but the onlookers were not so gay. In other
words, there were only  ... Twenty-six smiles a gross to see.

And finally, the story that gave shaggy dog stories its name:

In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a young,
recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body just as
they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable forays
after the Holy Grail. He ran, panting, into the court to find King
Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other
knights on their quest?" King Arthur said "Well, first you must get
yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!" So Sir Notalot went
off to the chief armourer and said "I need armour to go in search of the
Holy Grail - what can you offer me?" The Armourer said "Well, I can do
you the bespoke stainless steel all-over protect-all with expanding
cod-piece for 100 livres, the same model in galvanised iron for 80
livres or the fully rusting chain mail for 60 livres Poor Sir Notalot
could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for
20 livres?" The armourer said "If you care to go round the back of the
Frog and Bucket ... " (at least that's what I think he said) "... you
will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many
as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour
for you" So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter
mugs he could carry and took them back to the armourer. This good man
then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings
around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered. The only
problem was that Sir Notalot *clanked* at every step. Sir Notalot walked
back to the court - clankity, clankity all the way. He walked into King
Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "This is
all very well, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other
knights when they leave tomorrow" SIr Notalot then went to the farrier
to see what he could offer. The farrier said "Well, I have this fine
white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80
livres or...." Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for
20 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights
tomorrow" The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this
magnificent(?) Saint Bernard dog which has recently been reprocessed
since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that
do?" Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and
galloped back to the King - dragging his feet in the dust as he went,
with his armour clanking along - draggity, clank, draggity, clank. He
reached the King, who said "Just in time, the others have gone that way"
(Pointing to the East) So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard,
clanking and dragging his feet (clankity drag, clankity drag). at that
point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter
pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And
then the rain was so heavy that the road (Just a mud track, really)
started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a
clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started.
Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had
stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper
"Hail, inn-keeper" (since it was hailing by now) "have you a room?" And
the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-tablers" In
despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I can shelter
from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said.... . "You
wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Feb 1998 10:12:29 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

 Misc. Signs

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
	     *******************

Official sign near door:  Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby:  Window frightened.
	     *******************

Guys:  No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge
	     *******************

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
    (translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
	     *******************

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race
  Let's see who can go downhill the fastest
	     *******************

Sign in King's Canyon in California.
'Slow Parking Ahead'
	     *******************

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from
Johannesburg International Airport into town.
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the
roof and all the windows down.
The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'
	     *******************

Two signs found on top of one another in a country
kitchen several years ago:

   restrooms
    <-----
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.
	     *******************

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:
Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
Quickies Thursday at  7:30pm.
	     *******************

Seen in a health food store_
" Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "
	     *******************

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
	     *******************

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant:
the sign read:  Women are not served here...
       You have to bring your own.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Feb 1998 11:13:12 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Nuances of Language

 Edupage, 22 February 1998.  Edupage, a summary of news about information
 technology, is provided three times a week as a service by Educom,
 a Washington, D.C.-based consortium of leading colleges and universities
 seeking to transform education through the use of information technology.


 NAKED UNIVERSE
 The magazine Sky & Telescope says that the use of filtering software
 programs has prevented some schools from accessing Sky Online
 (http://www.skypub.com) because of the site's use of the word "naked,"
 as in the expression "the naked eye."  (Sky & Telescope Mar 98)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Feb 1998 13:11:56 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World! (weird)

                  Strange bedfellow arrested.

 TINTON FALLS, N.J. -- A man has been jailed for joining strangers in bed.

 Tho Le, 24, allegedly entered two homes in the early morning hours last
week and climbed into bed with their sleeping occupants, said police Lt.
Gerald Turning Sr.

 In one case, he joined a sleeping couple in bed and fondled the woman,
Turning said. The woman woke up, and she and her boyfriend chased the
intruder out of the house.

 Two nights later, Le allegedly entered another house on the same street
and crawled into bed, this time with a man who chased him out.

 Early Friday, a police dog traced the intruder's scent to a house where Le
was arrested, Turning said.


 Copyright 1998 Houston Chronicle News Services

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Feb 1998 14:53:00 -0500
From:    Beth Frantz <efrantz@ANNA-MARIA.EDU>
Subject: Haiku Error Message Contest (4 of 4)

>From http://www.salonmagazine.com/21st/ -- classic!!

H O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S:

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
	-- Brian M. Porter
- - - - - - - - - - - -

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
	-- Cass Whittington
- - - - - - - - - - - -

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
	-- Jim Griffith
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
	-- Jennifer Jo Lane
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
	-- Francis Heaney
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
	-- Judy Birmingham
- - - - - - - - - - - -

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
	-- Jason Willoughby
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
	-- Len Dvorkin
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
	-- Ian Hughes


Beth Frantz; Music Therapy major
Anna Maria College
Paxton, MA

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Feb 1998 21:47:10 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Arkansas Olympics <off. to Arkansas residents>

    The Top 16 Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas:

16> Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by
    the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

15> Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street",
    forced to change its name.

14> In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns
    out to be owned by Hillary Clinton.

13> The Big Event?  The 100m Sisterchase.

12> No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and
    skating on fresh bacon fat.

11> Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at
    muskrats and ATF agents.

10> Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic
    yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems,
    "includin' all them new Russian ones!"

 9> Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors.

 8> Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by
    teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas.

 7> Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing
    Competition."

 6> Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

 5> Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award
    of gold, silver and bronze teeth.

 4> Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition.

 3> Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape
    and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

 2> Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to
    all them extra toes.

    and the Number 1 Way the Olympics Would Differ
               if Held in Arkansas...

 1> Two words: Billy Bobsledding

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Feb 1998 09:34:26 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd-Times : Four Sardars <clean>

There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.
They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally
decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and
cooks and built the hotel.
The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The
sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story  was the
same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up.
WHY ?  -  becuz there was a sign at the entrance : "Visitors not allowed."

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto
garage.  They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon
started the garage.
The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car
entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no
car came to their garage.
WHY ?  -  B'cos their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi
driving.  They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began
to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed
their taxi.  They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi.
They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed
their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai
but alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY ?   -  B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided
to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing
their taxi.
They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not
move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day.
The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They
pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.
WHY ?  -  B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Feb 1998 to 23 Feb 1998
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