HUMOR Digest - 21 Feb 1998 to 22 Feb 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 345 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Cereal
  2. Golf - American Style
  3. "The Emissaries" and "The Stand-Up Comic"
  4. New techonology! (not offensive)
  5. New Poll Regarding Bombing Iraq
  6. Haiku Error Message Contest (3 of 4)

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Date:    Sat, 21 Feb 1998 01:31:50 -0600
From:    Fred <fredb@LINKUP.NET>
Subject: Cereal


You know it is going to be a bad day when your morning cereal goes "pok, snackle, crap"

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Date:    Sat, 21 Feb 1998 03:23:25 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Golf - American Style

* Every golf club has its grouch.  In the one near me, there's
  an old man who makes any grinch look like a saint.  Somehow
  he managed to hit a hole-in-one.  He threw his club down and
  raged, "Damn !  Just when I wanted some putting practice !"
                                - - - - -

* So many men are claiming that golf has replaced sex as the
  American sport.  Oddly enuff, from what I see, it's all guys
  in their 60's and 70's saying that though.
                                - - - - -

*   The Caddie Master walks over to a golfer and says, "You're
  a foot past the tee-line.  You'll have to move the ball back."
    The golfer ignores him and continues to line-up his next
  shot.  The Caddie Master repeats his instruction.
    Without taking his eye off the ball, the golfer said, "Would
  someone please tell this clown that this is my second shot ?"
                                - - - - -

* Has anyone else noticed that "golf" spelled backwards is "flog"
                                - - - - -

* Golf has made liars out of more Americans than the tax collectors
  at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS).
                                - - - - -

*   I can still remember my first golf lesson.  The pro showed me
  how to properly grip the club and take the proper stance. Then
  he said, "In this first lesson, let me see you grip the club and
  swing, but don't hit the ball."
    Impatient to move on, I told him, "I can do that just fine.
  Now -- what's the next lesson ?"
                                - - - - -

* For all you non-golfing ladies, a handy lil' tip.  If your hubby
  comes home with pine needles in his hair, don't ask him about
  his golf game that day.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 20:39:57 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: "The Emissaries" and "The Stand-Up Comic"

King John and King Paul had been at war for years, and King Paul was
getting tired of it. He decided to make peace between himself and King
John. So, he sent his eldest son, his most trusted Prince, to see King
John and arrange the peace. Well, the Prince traveled for days and
finally arrived at King John's castle. It was a huge stone fortress,
surrounded by a deep moat which was filled with tiny Piranha-like fish
called Yellow Fingers. These Yellow Fingers could strip a cow to the
bones in minutes! So the Prince yelled up to the guards, "Lower your
drawbridge! I come from King Paul to arrange the peace." They did lower
the drawbridge, but just as the prince put one foot on it, they yanked
the drawbridge back up again, causing the prince to flip into the moat,
where he was eaten by the Yellow Fingers. When King Paul heard this he
was very upset, but he was still determined to make the peace. So he
sent his most trusted Barons as his emissaries. One by one they were
tricked into falling in the moat. King Paul sent his Dukes. They too
were eaten by the fish. Finally no one was left n the castle but a
little page boy. "Page," said King Paul wearily, you are my last hope.
You must make the peace between King John and me. lad, and good luck."
The page went to the drawbridge "I come from King Paul to arrange the
peace!" As they had done many times before, King John's men lowered the
bridge, then yanked it back up just as the victim put a foot on it. But
a strange thing happened! The page, instead of being eaten, waded right
across the moat, climbed onto the drawbridge, and entered the castle.
King John was so impressed by this that he made peace! So, what is the
moral of this story??? ... Let your pages do the walking through the
Yellow Fingers.

The stand-up comic was not funny. His jokes never got a laugh. But he
persisted in getting up every night at the coffee-shop and go through
his whole routine. Boos and jeers never stopped him. Finally one regular
at the establishment brought a dozen eggs and started belting him with
them as he told his stories. This got more laughs than the jokes, and
every day more and more patrons would bring eggs to pelt him. He
actually enjoyed being pelted for for the first time in his life he was
getting laughs. His nightly appearnce became one of the highlights of
each evening and the crowds had never been larger. One day he didn't
show up and investigation revealed he had died. The entire clientelle
went to the funeral, and as they passed the open coffen each threw in
eggs until the coffin was overflowing. It was impossible to close the
coffin so he couldn't be buried until some of the eggs were removed.
Moral: ... Don't put all your eggs in one casket.

(Thanks to John Roy for this story)

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Date:    Sat, 21 Feb 1998 07:32:01 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: New techonology! (not offensive)

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named
--BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.
It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable),each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of
the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts
are divided on the prospects for further increases in information
density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into
your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it
can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if
dropped too many times on a hard surface.  The "browse" feature allows
you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you
wish.  Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact
location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed.  BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to
store numerous views at once.  The number is limited only by the number
of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text
entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave.  BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and
investors are reportedly flocking to invest.  Look for a flood of new
titles soon.

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Date:    Sat, 21 Feb 1998 10:58:41 -0500
From:    Muad'Dib <usul@THEPOINT.NET>
Subject: New Poll Regarding Bombing Iraq

Found in an npr.org discussion forum....

WAR ENJOYS BROAD SUPPORT IN SOME QUARTERS

     A new poll conducted this past week finds nearly unanimous support for
bombing Iraq among members of selected demographic groups. Respondents who
claimed to be professional wrestling enthusiasts were 100% behind the war
effort. Indeed, sports fans generally expressed firm support. Car-racing
fans were the second-strongest supporters at 99%, followed by football fans
(98%) and demolition-derby/car-crushing-truck spectators (97%). Among
sports fans aged 18 to 28, fewer than 1% were planning to enlist in the
armed services.

     Of respondents who couldn't find the Mediterranean Sea on a map of the
world (nearly two-thirds of our random sample), 95% were behind the war.
Comparable results were noted among people who couldn't do long division,
people who have not read a book in the past year and people who couldn't
recognize the predicate in a simple sentence. Women expressing "serious"
concern about the appearance of their nails and hair showed overwhelming
support (92%) for the war effort, but women who thought their thighs were
too fat were no more likely than women in the general population to support
a bombing campaign, the proportion of supporters being roughly 50% in both
groups. Men who described their clothes as "very expensive" were nearly
unanimous in their support for air strikes. People who have seen "all or
most" of the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies are in
favor of war (97%), as are Rambo fans (95.5%) and M-TV viewers (92%).
People who think Elvis is alive were significantly more likely to be in
favor of war (91%) than people who think Elvis is dead (76%).

     Paroled felons (some 8% of our random sample) were unanimously
supportive. However, among people accused but not yet convicted of serious
crimes, support was somewhat lower (85%).

     Among people who have never voted in an election (53% of our sample),
support was very strong (94%). People who answered "Yes" to the question,
"Are some racial groups inferior to others?" also tended to be in favor of
the war (88%). Respondents who reported having had ten or more different
sex partners in the past six months were 83% in favor of the Clinton policy.

     By re-sorting the results, poll analysts were able to render a rough
picture of the typical war enthusiast: overweight by 20 pounds, 11th grade
education, likes to watch fights but not get into them, turns to the sports
page first and then to Ann Landers, "not at all likely" to join the armed
forces in the next six months. "Very positive" about his country's
leadership role in the new world order.


C. Dodd Harris IV
http://www.thepoint.net/~usul

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Date:    Sat, 21 Feb 1998 14:53:00 -0500
From:    Beth Frantz <efrantz@ANNA-MARIA.EDU>
Subject: Haiku Error Message Contest (3 of 4)

>From http://www.salonmagazine.com/21st/ -- classic!!

H O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S:

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
	-- Simon Firth
- - - - - - - - - - - -

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
	-- Howard Korder
- - - - - - - - - - - -

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
	-- Bill Torcaso
- - - - - - - - - - - -

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
	-- Joy Rothke
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
	-- David Ansel
- - - - - - - - - - - -

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
	-- James Lopez
- - - - - - - - - - - -

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
	-- Rahul Sonnad
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
	-- Margaret Segall


Beth Frantz; Music Therapy major
Anna Maria College
Paxton, MA

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End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Feb 1998 to 22 Feb 1998
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