HUMOR Digest - 20 Feb 1998 to 21 Feb 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 819 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. "The Blue Volvo" and "The Bandage"
  2. The Police
  3. The Bar Bet (No offensive language)
  4. Ebonics Homework <Adult themes, off. to African Am.>
  5. Holy Sex scandal (Offensive to Christians and Cliinton worshippers)
  6. Darwin Awards (not off)
  7. <No subject given>
  8. Haiku Error Message Contest (2 of 4)
  9. Sexy Quiz (Adult)
 10. Label of Honour
 11. E.T. ??? (Adult)
 12. Disparaging comments as humor
 13. Military Performance Ratings
 14. Quick Joke <adult>
 15. Bulletin...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 23:14:18 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: "The Blue Volvo" and "The Bandage"

Jim owned a blue-green colored Volvo. It was a '72 however, making it
quite old and even Volvos don't last forever. When he was driving home
one afternoon and the engine fell through the engine mounts, his wife
brought up the subject of buying a new car. "Well, I've grown partial to
this car, dear" said Jim. "But honey, this car is falling apart!" his
wife exclaimed. The argument went on for a while and the husband finally
agreed that he would buy a new car, but only another Volvo and only the
same blue-green color. It had to be the *exact* same shade of blue or he
wasn't interested. And so his quest began. "Nope. Are you sure they're
made in that color?" asked all the Volvo dealers in New York. He went to
Connecticut and received the same line. He went to Rhode Isalnd, only to
hear "Nope - had one last week. Couldn't sell it so we gave it to a junk
dealer." Jim ran to the junk dealer just in time to see the car of his
dreams crushed. He travelled through Vermont. "Nope. Can't get one
here." He tried New Hampshire. "I don't think they make them." He went
into Maine. "I don't have one, but Charlie might. He's the Volvo dealer
up in Caribou." Anyone ever told you about Caribou, Maine? It is
freezing up there and is in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, at
this point, an enormous storm system began to move into the area and Jim
was trapped at the dealership during the blizzard. Two days later, when
the dealer arrived to open up shop, he found Jim standing by the door.
Then the dealer opened the door, Jim saw it. Right in the middle of the
showroom floor was his blue-ish colored Volvo. Perfect! Jim told the
dealer of his quest, paid him the sticker price and was about to leave
when the dealer asked "Why did you spend so much time searching for this
color Volvo? Why did it have to be this turquoise color?" Jim smiled and
said, as he drove off... "Well, there's something about an aqua Volvo,
man"

When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire known world of his
time, it chanced that he received a slight spear-wound on his left
wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it, he continued the battle. After
victory was his, one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the
rag around Alexander The Great's wrist under the heat of the sun changed
colors every hour thus providing an estimate of the correct time.
According to most historians, from that day on, Macedonaian warriors
wore cloth treated with blood on their left forearms when going into
battle, thus, providing, Alexander's troops with the world's first wrist
watches. ... And so they called it, "Alexander's Rag Timeband!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 03:04:21 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Police

*   I read an article in "The (Baltimore) Sun" today and I
  couldn't stop laughing.  Y'all recall the joke I wrote
  where the punch line had me speaking Spanish in Brazil.
    For those not with our list at that time, 247 people wrote
  informing me that Spanish wasn't Brazil's native language.
    According to this article, the Baltimore City Police have
  hired a liaison, a Mr. Joao R. Alencar, a native of Brazil,
  to work with the City's Hispanic community.
    Lt Carmine R. Baratta Jr. said, "We need officers who have
  the cultural sensitivity and who also speak the language."
    Uh...  do any of the 247 people who wrote want to tell the
  good Lieutenant there's a slight problem...  or should I ?
                                - - - - -

*   Columbia Maryland has found a rather unique way to solve
  its traffic problems.  The other day, I was driving on the
  Little Patuxent Parkway and a policeman stopped me.
    I asked what exactly I was doing wrong.
    "Nothing at all." he replied. "I just wanted to see your
  reservation."
                                - - - - -

* Police Chief to painter: "We'd like the interrogation room
  painted tattletale gray."
                                - - - - -

*   Range Office to Training Officer: "Better pull the jacket on
  Recruit Guido over there.  Every time he finishes practicing
  with his firearm, he wipes off the fingerprints."
                                - - - - -

* The meek lil' man approached an officer. "Sir, I've been here
  waiting for my wife for over an hour now.  Would you mind very
  much ordering me to move on ?"


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 05:46:14 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: The Bar Bet (No offensive language)

   The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon
to a patron.  Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would
win the money.
   Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but
nobody could do it.
   One day this scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."
   After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the
man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
   As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the
little man, "what do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"
   The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 06:39:35 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Ebonics Homework <Adult themes, off. to African Am.>

*This one is circulating among many of us teachers.  Source unknown.

Leroy is a 19-year old sophomore at Oakland High School where they teach

Ebonics as a second language.  Last week he was given an easy homework
assignment.  All he had to do was use each of the following words in a
sentence.  This is what Leroy did:

RECTUM:
I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both.

HOTEL:
I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.

ODYSSEY:
I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe.

STAIN:
My mother-in-law axed if I was stain for dinner again.

SELDOM:
My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I seldom.

PENIS:
I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.

CATACOMB:
Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that
catacomb.

FORECLOSE:
If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.

UNDERMINE:
There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in da apartment undermine.

TRIPOLI:
I was gonna buy my ol' lady a bra, but I couldn't fine no Tripoli.

DISAPPOINTMENT:
My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me
back to da big house.

INCOME:
I just got in bed wit dee hoe and income my wife.

HONOR:
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who b honor first?

FORTIFY:
I axed da hoe how much?  And she say fortify.

ISRAEL:
Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex.  I said man, that looks fake.  He said,
no Israel.

Needless to say, Leroy got an "A."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 09:16:04 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Holy Sex scandal (Offensive to Christians and Cliinton worshippers)

This came to another e-mail list this morning
-----
Heavengate

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper.  The scandal was begun when a 21
year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to
God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and
that she was "thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story
will come out in time, verily."  Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub
immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his
investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have
been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to
his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as
the "Wise Men."

Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have
acted as go-between in the affair.  Critics have pointed out that these
allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was
originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale
flooding to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.  In recent months,
Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions
surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political
opponents in the last election, as well as claims that the destruction
of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a
scandal involving the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised
County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political
contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.  Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses.  Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction of free speech.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 08:54:58 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Darwin Awards (not off)

 1998 DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

  It's that time of year again. Vote for the person you feel has best
  helped humanity by taking his DNA out of the gene pool. For the
  uninitiated, the Darwin Awards are given each year to the person who
  does the gene pool a big favor by getting himself killed in a
  creative way. These are the latest nominees:

* BUXTON, N.C. -- A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
  had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said
  Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind,
  and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon
  when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the
  beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw
  their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach
  him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
  free him while about 200 people looked on.  Jones was pronounced dead
  at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern,
  people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County
  Sheriff  BertAustin said.

* In February -- Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif.,
  as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
  burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had
  placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base
  of his skull as he hit the floor.

* According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., -- ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,
  20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman,
  23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak
  vest Berrena was wearing.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
  Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a
  revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
  and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie
  in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
  zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally  jogged off a
  200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
  two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide
  sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
  Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
  the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S

* In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
  with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off
  a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
  fracturing his skull.

* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
  cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
  torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of
  his house.

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in
  September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick
  of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m.,
  the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window
  to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that
  the window was closed.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 09:55:58 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

Q:  How many list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

 A:  1,331:
      1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
        light bulb has been changed.
     14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
        light bulb could have been changed differently.
      7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
     27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
        light bulbs.
     53 to flame the spell checkers
    156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light
        bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
     41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
    109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
        take this email exchange to alt.light.bulb
    203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
        alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
    111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use
        lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
    306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
        to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best
        for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
     27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
     14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
        corrected URLs.
      3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
        this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
     33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
        headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
     12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
        cannot handle the light bulb controversey.
     19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
      4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
      1 to propose new alt.change.light.bulb newsgroup.
     47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
        leave it here.
    143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 14:53:00 -0500
From:    Beth Frantz <efrantz@ANNA-MARIA.EDU>
Subject: Haiku Error Message Contest (2 of 4)

>From http://www.salonmagazine.com/21st/ -- classic!!

H O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
	-- David J. Liszewski
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
	-- Charlie Gibbs
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
	-- Rik Jespersen
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
	-- Suzie Wagner
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
	-- Jason Axley
- - - - - - - - - - - -

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
	-- Charles Matthews
- - - - - - - - - - - -

wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
	-- Nick Sweeney
- - - - - - - - - - - -

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
	-- Mike Hagler
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beth Frantz; Music Therapy major
Anna Maria College
Paxton, MA

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 22:01:44 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Sexy Quiz (Adult)

It only takes 30 seconds.  Work this out as you read. Don't read the
bottom until you have worked it out.


1. First of all, pick the number of times that you would like to have
   sex daily (don't say 7 Tarek Because you know you can't).

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you
   haven't, add 1747.

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.


RESULTS:
You  should  now  have a three digit number:

The first digit of this was your original number (I.e.  how many times
you want to have sex per day).
The second two digits are your age !!!
It really works !!

This is the only year (1998) it will ever work, so spread the joy around
by mailing this to everyone you know.


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 20:44:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Label of Honour

London Dying

By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the
bowels of the British Museum in a case well-sealed and protected lies a
strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.

London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive
city, but its life and its blood was the Thames River. Without the river
commerce would grind to a halt as the people of London discovered to their
horror in 1216........

The first ships seemed simply to have disappeared, but the monster wasted
little time in this caution. Soon, many Londoners had seen the gaping maw
licked by flames dragging a hapless crew to its death. It was a fire
salamander, and in the Autumn of 1216 it was estimated to be 40 feet long
with jaws that gaped 10 feet wide.

By the spring of 1217, the monster was no longer a nuisance, it was a
deadly plague. No boat could navigate the Thames... no raft was small
enough, no ship was large enough to resist the demon of the Thames. Worse,
the beast was growing! The latest reports called it 70 feet long with jaws
opening 15 feet. Our instinct is to discount this absurd growth, and yet
few could impeach its source.

Honorus Prepares

He, our source, enters the story in August of 1217. London had begged,
prayed, blasphemed, and killed in desparate attempts to exorcise or
appease their curse; to no avail. On June 14, four men painted themselves
with the Devil's Cross and proclaimed themselves the Dark Priests of the
Beast.  They built a ship and doused it in oil; then, they sailed it down
the  river...Dark Priests they may have been, but they died screaming
like any man. On July 28, London sent three virgins (the youngest not yet
13) down the Thames to the monster. It was thought that this would
appease the evil  god:the monster's hunger exceeded even this atrocity.

On August 23, our source received his summons. His given name is lost in
his chosen name: Honorus. He was a Templar Knight and possibly a saint.
That morning, he was commanded to destroy the beast.

London in fear and desparation had turned to their most jealous weapon,
the Templars... warrior-monks who fought with the fierce, perhaps fanatic,
frenzy of the devout. The city had exhausted all other options; the monks
were its last hope, and Honorus was the greatest of the Knights.

The battle was truly a footnote to his preparation... Honorus ventured
intothe woods upstream from London. He forsook shelter, clothing, food,
andsleep for four days, meditating on the coming struggle. When the four
daysended, he stalked and killed a stag without weapon or aid. With the
skin of the stag he made clothing; from its flesh he regained his
strength; and with its guts, he lashed five logs into a raft fit for his
purpose.

Battle and Death

Honorus set the raft in motion. He had outfitted himself with the only
item he would use in this fight which had not come out of the forest with
him. A sword of Spanish steel, blue with the sky, lay in his lap. Soon,
he felt the swell of the water disturb his raft: the monster was coming,
yet he sat unmoving.

The beast broke the surface.

No human is perfect; a splinter of the collapsing raft clipped Honorus'
left foot as he leapt into the water. He had timed his jump slightly too
late, but no matter, the injury will not be important until after the
battle.

The monster was above the water only momentarily; time enough for Honorus
to drive his sword between two of its scales. The monster thrashed in
pain,turning its exposed flesh from the steaming water. Honorus was
lifted from the water as the beast rolled. He gauged his stroke and
leapt, striking the monster's eye.

Angered and half-blinded, the beast threw Honorus into the river and
grasped him in its immense jaws. Honorus swam quickly past the teeth into
the monster's mouth. Inside, the questing tongue scalded his feet as he
searched for purchase again, and we shall ignore this injury for
now.

Once he had braced himself inside the beast's mouth, pushing with all his
strength against the slowly rising tongue, he took aim. Honorus had time
tomake only one thrust.

An Interlude: And Who Fought the Battle

When his journal recalls these events, it attributes Honorus' "luck" in
this battle to aid from the Divine. We do not wish to detract from the
glory of God, but surely He will not envy His servant. Is it coincidence
that Honorus' blade struck true to the brain? Honorus had already studied
carefully the anatomy of the salamander a week before he was summoned to
fight the beast. Did Honorus not know that the water's rush against the
beast's exposed flank would cause it such pain? In his journal, "August
24:And once I am atop the beast and it has rolled from the water, where
thento strike?"

A Solution Breeds More Questions

Two weeks after Honorus was told to lift the curse of London, the beast
wasdead. The next day London celebrated Honorus; the town would live
becauseof him.Three days later, gratitude had disappeared.

The body of the beast had lodged itself firmly in the mire less than half
amile downstream of London. Although it was yet intact (perhaps due to its
incredible armor), it would surely soon rot. While not so great a terror,
the rotting beast would be almost as dangerous as the live beast,
attracting disease and scavengers. No ship could move the carcass. The
people of London called upon Honorus.

Honorus' solution was difficult but practical, and he began as soon as he
had retrieved his sword. He fasted for two days; then, he ate the cooked
meat of the huge salamander and fasted for a third day. When he suffered
noill effects, Honorus began dissecting the beast. With the help of
London,Honorus soon had all the usable meat and intestines of the dead
beasttransformed into sausage.

A Solution Breeds New Solutions

A bizarre solution it was, but a good one. The sausage was soon discovered
to be excellent and to keep easily for very long periods of time. Even
moreimportant, the sausage fast became incredibly popular throughout
Englandand much of Europe. It began to reestablish the fame of London's
tradeafter the Hiatus of the Beast.

Still, Honorus has one final contribution to this history... It became
vital that everyone knew from whence the incredible sausage of London
came,and thus we return to Honorus's injuries.

After the battle with the live beast and the crisis of the dead beast,
Honorus took time to recover. Six weeks after he was first summoned, he
wasdressing the injuries on his feet. The problems of London were known to
him. As he dipped a strip of paper-like gauze into a healing salve, he had
a thought.

One week later, each sausage shipped from London carried a fascinating new
development: a label. Just as the gauze dried and closed on Honorus' foot,
the parchment around these sausages was attached; and all would know the
fame of London from each link she sold.

A Simple End to a Strange Adventure

In the end, despite all his other feats, it was this idea, the product
label, that survived Honorus. In tribute to this advance, the British
Museum houses the only known surviving label from Honorus' sausages. And
although even the tough gut of the Beast has long since faded to dust, the
label may still be read. If our reader could go to the Museum and enter
theMedieval wing's most treasured collection, she could still read, in
faintletters, the Label of Honor:

     It Was The Beast Of Thames, It Was The Wurst Of Thames


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 22:36:15 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: E.T. ??? (Adult)

Do you know what comes from outer space, and has 3 Testicles?

E.T. >>>> The Extra Testicle !!


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 15:52:36 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Disparaging comments as humor

We have it all, a Bill of Rights and a Bill of Wrongs.

A perfectionist is one who take great pains and gives them to others.

Newt Gingrich thinks it's amazing that we have forgotten how far we
have come in race relations. I'm amazed that he has no ideas how far
we have to go.

My wife hasn't spoken to me since the baby was born because of a
little misunderstanding. She called me at work and said her water had
broken and I called the plumber.

Titanic: That's the story of my life -- a love boat that sinks.

PMS: Punishing Male Spouses.

Please tell me more about the vast right-wing conspiracy against
President Clinton. How can I join?

I can't put Alka Seltzer in a glass of water without saying "plop,
plop, fizz, fizz." Now that's advertising.

Never go on a boat ride with Kenneth Starr. Too many leaks.

It's funny what getting older does to you. I used to be worried that
I was not getting enough sex. Now I'm worried that I'm not getting
enough fiber.


source: hppt://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 16:06:00 EST
From:    /dd.id=cnt39804/g=jon/i=j/s=bisbey/prmd=bnr/@NORTEL.COM
Subject: Military Performance Ratings

These are actual lines out of performance appraisal forms for the military.

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
- Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
- Somewhere there's a village with the idiot missing.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 19:42:53 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Quick Joke <adult>

One day, a man found an old lamp and started to rub the dust off of  it
when a genie appeared. The genie said "For setting me free, I will grant
you two wishes". The man thought for a while and replied without
hesitation,  "I want to be hard all of the time and I would like to have
all the ass I want." *POOF!* a cloud of smoke appeared and the man turned
into a toilette.


*"The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction
  between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves
  as we go along.     ---"Last Chance To See" by Douglas Adams

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Feb 1998 00:12:00 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Bulletin...

"There will be a procession next Sunday afternoon in the grounds
of the Monastery; but if it rains in the afternoon, the procession
will take place in the morning."

--from a statement read to a church congregation

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Feb 1998 to 21 Feb 1998
************************************************

