HUMOR Digest - 19 Feb 1998 to 20 Feb 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 813 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Timely Chicken Quotes
  2. JimJr's Navy <adult humor>
  3. Top5 - 2/19/98 - Signs You Won't Be on a Wheaties Box
  4. The cure <adult-ish>
  5. You're Out of College
  6. Vaseline <suggestive>
  7. Not just a pumpkin.... (adult)
  8. Breaking News re: Lewinsky (adult)
  9. (Humor:clean,wordgames...
 10. Haiku Error Message Contest (1 of 4)
 11. Language nuance
 12. Actor<some swearing>
 13. Lexicon of Male Behavior (sexual themes, non-obscene)
 14. Top5 - 2/20/98 - Signs It's a Bad Luge Run
 15. World's Deadliest Poison
 16. Ask before you touch...
 17. JOKE-CLEAN:Taxes

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 23:25:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Timely Chicken Quotes

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

MARV ALBERT; Well, actually he was cross dressing.

LORENA BOBBITT: She was a cut above the others

MR. BOBBITT: Something was missing from his life on this side.

BILL CLINTON: She flew across and I don't consider that crossing the
road.

ROBERT DORNAN: They were illegals stealing the election from a real
American.

HUGH GRANT: He was up to his old tricks.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

TED KACZYNSKI: To mail a letter.

MONICA LEVINSKI: She had been offered a missionary position, so she came
across to get a head of the leader.

ANTHONY MASON: There were some young chicks over there.

O. J. SIMPSON: (1)It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
        (2) He didn't. But if he had, it would have been because he loved
            her very much.
        (3) To find the real killer.

LORELL SPREWELL: I know I shouldn't have choked him but he had stepped
over the line when he crossed the road. What was I supposed to do,
ignore it.

KENNETH STARR: It proves there was a cover-up and something pretty foul
was going on.

LINDA TRAPP: She told me everything and I have the tapes to prove it.

MIKE TYSON: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like chicken!

OPRAH WINFREY: To avoid mad-cow disease

LOUISE WOODWARD: To shake up her brood a little.

And one last quote:

HARRY CARAY: Holy cow! It might be. It could be. It='s Gone!
		(We will miss you, Harry)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 02:43:59 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Navy <adult humor>

*   During my first month of real combat flying, I shot down
  six planes, took out a comm center and a fuel dump.
    This may have had a lot to do with my being taken out of
  combat training in San Diego and reassigned to the weather
  observation squadron in Pensacola.
                                - - - - -

*   As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air
  Station, our Flight Instructor said, "Alright !  All you
  God damn dummies fall out."
    As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at
  attention.  The Instructor walked over until he was eye-
  to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.
    I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir ?"
                                - - - - -

*   One day I somehow lost my sidearm, I had no idea how,
  but they made me pay for it anyway.  They said I'd have
  to pay for anything I lost.
    At least then I understood the Naval tradition of the
  the Captain going down with the ship.
                                - - - - -

*   When we were finally allowed to call home, it was a real
  treat to speak to the family again.  I told my Mother that
  the only thing that really bothered me a lot was the Flight
  Instructor telling me that I was dumb, ugly and possibly
  the worst excuse for a pilot he'd ever seen.
    She said, "Why in Heaven's name would he say things such
  as that.  That's terrible !"
    I told her, "That's nothing, I'd hate to tell ya what he
  said about you !"
                                - - - - -

*   When I was in the Navy, women were assigned to the WAVES.
  When we finally got leave after three months, our Captain
  told the WAVE Captain she'd better keep her girls under
  lock and key.
    The WAVE Captain, tapping her temple, replied. "Don't
  worry.  My girls have it up here !"
    Our Captain said, "It doesn't matter where they have it.
  Once those throttle jocks start looking, they'll find it."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 05:53:31 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/19/98 - Signs You Won't Be on a Wheaties Box

                       February 19, 1998

  The Top 16 Signs You Won't be Pictured on a Box of Wheaties

16> The only thing that stops the wheezing these days is another
    box of Thin Mints.

15> After picking your nose on camera, you smiled and deadpanned,
    "Mmmmm... Breakfast of Champions."

14> The media has just dubbed you "The Skatin' Rapist."

13> Although you do it "Fast, Higher, Farther", the particular
    solo activity at which you excel is hardly considered a sport.

12> Though you're a fine hockey player, your scar-to-teeth ratio
    is about 5:1

11> Sure, they could airbrush out the Swastika on your forehead,
    but everyone would still know.

10> Prison-issue orange would mix with the background to make you
    just a spooky floating head.

 9> Right after winning gold, you yell into the camera, "I'm going
    to Hooters!"

 8> The box don't say "Breakfast of Lardasses," Chester.

 7> Corporate bastards always discriminate against guys with large
    breasts.

 6> Wheaties: Breakfast of Champions.  You: Champion of Breakfasts.

 5> Your dumbass hippy parents named you "Rice Krispies"
    Bitonawicz.

 4> A month ago, you had a chance -- but now, after this Monica
    Lewinsky thing, NO WAY!

 3> Your urine sample had seeds in it.

 2> You arrive at the photo shoot still crying from the asskicking
    Scott Hamilton gave you.

and the Number 1 Sign You Won't be Pictured on a Box of Wheaties...

 1> Your fat Sumo ass wouldn't fit on a *case*,  much less a box.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 13:59:25 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The cure <adult-ish>

A man walks into a pub and orders two pints of lager. He drinks them
in quick succession, then climbs on a table, drops his pants and
spins in a circle, peeing on everyone. The barman and the other
patrons, very upset, throw him out.

The next evening the man walks into the pub again and orders two
pints. The barman says: "I am not going to serve you. You drink two pints
and then go mad. Now, get out!"

The man starts a long explanation of how deeply guilty he feels for
what he did and sincerely apologizes to everyone. The barman decides
to give him another chance and serves him two pints. After drinking
them, the man jumps on a table and does exactly what he did the
previous evening. He gets thrown out, with the barman shouting after
him: "You are totally sick and should go and seek therapy, you
whacko!"

After a week, the man walks again into the bar and, before the barman
can say anything, announces that he felt totally guilty, sought
therapy, is now cured and can he have two pints, please?
The barman reluctantly agrees, on the man's assurance that he is cured.

After drinking the beer, the man jumps on a table and, again pees on
everyone. Flabbergasted, the barman shouts: "I thought you said that
you were cured??"

"I am", replies the man "I don't feel guilty any more."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 06:35:34 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: You're Out of College

*Source unknown--my friend sent this one to me!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF COLLEGE WHEN:

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your
       salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not
       married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead
      of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a
      sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front
      of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer,
      bourbon, and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about
      grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 06:52:13 EST
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Vaseline <suggestive>

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a
clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's
answered by a middle-aged man,
"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"
"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz.  We're paid by
private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for
feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline
petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away, young man."
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do
use Vaseline, correct?".
"Yessir, for as long as I can remember".
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with his
pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward,
and  says, "I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But
would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper,  "we put it on our bedroom
doorknob". The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step
backward before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 09:26:01 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Not just a pumpkin.... (adult)

 A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is
 passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself,
 you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, doesn't smell fishy and
 there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the
 road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size
 hole in it and has his way with the poor pumpkin.

 After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car
 pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you
 realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in
 complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight
 already?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 08:49:58 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Breaking News re: Lewinsky (adult)

 Things came to a head last week and the name Monica Lewinsky
 is fast becoming a real mouthful at the White House. The latest
 news about President Clinton is definitely hard to swallow and
 seems certain to leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the current
 administration. It will be some time before all the stains
 resulting from this issue are removed from the Oval Office.

 Monica Lewinsky has proved to be not as tight lipped as
 Clinton had hoped and is expected to spit out the truth to a Grand
 Jury tomorrow. She will surely go down in history for her orations
 concerning the comings and goings behind the doors of the Oval
 Office. Monica was apparently on her knees when she received
 the recent gagging order from the White House and now has to
 decide whether to swallow her pride and dispose of the evidence,
 or to succumb to the deep throated rumblings of the Washington
 Press Corp. and spill the issue wide open.

 Any attempt by Lewinsky to suck up to Clinton can only be
 construed as lip service and Clinton would be advised to try and
 minimize the impact of this, the latest in a long series of blows
 he has received since coming to power. Despite this latest blow, job
 security for the President seems to be assured, as he can rely on
 his proven oral skills to promote a career in public speaking,
 being, as he has often shown, a cunning linguist. (Although
 Hillary Clinton may disagree with this, as she claims she is
 rarely on the end of a tongue lashing from Bill!)

 Miss Lewinsky is from a naval background and her choice
 of Bill Clinton as a lover is somewhat surprising, given her
 preference for seamen. According to her lawyer, Miss Lewinsky
 likes to see men in power and relished the thought of taking a
 length of time to chew things over with the President, whenever
 she could fit him in.And the President was equally keen to see
 Miss Lewinsky, always putting on a spurt when he entered her
 office. Miss Leweinsky has apparently been offered a PR job by
 Listerine, who described her as spunky enough for the any job.
 Her name has also been associated with Big Gulp soda
 advertising and Kleenex.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 13:49:42 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: (Humor:clean,wordgames...

 Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and
 faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer

 Example:  LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place)  Answer: Los Angeles

  1.  SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)
  2.  SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)
  3.  MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)
  4.  MOW BEAD HICK (book)
  5.  TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)
  6.  CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (thing)
  7.  THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)
  8.  AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)
  9.  TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)
 10.  CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)
 11.  DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)
 12.  THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)
 13.  AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)
 14.  THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)
 15.  BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)

 DON'T PEEK AT THE ANSWERS!!!!!!!

 Answers:

 1.Jacques Cousteau, 2.Santa Claus, 3.Michael Jordan, 4.Moby Dick,
 5.Thomas Jefferson, 6.Chiquita Banana, 7.The Titanic, 8.I love you,
 9.The Brady Bunch, 10.Christopher Columbus, 11.Doctor Seuss, 12.The
   Milky Way Galaxy, 13.Agent 007, 14.The Sound of Music, 15.Bugs Bunny

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 14:49:44 -0500
From:    Beth Frantz <efrantz@ANNA-MARIA.EDU>
Subject: Haiku Error Message Contest (1 of 4)

>From http://www.salonmagazine.com/21st/ -- classic!!

W I N N E R S:

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
	-- David Dixon
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
	-- David Carlson

H O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S:

I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...
	-- Owen Mathews
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
	-- Peter Rothman
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
	-- Chris Walsh
- - - - - - - - - - - -

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
	-- Barry L. Brumitt
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
	-- Pat Davis


Beth Frantz; Music Therapy major
Anna Maria College
Paxton, MA

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 15:47:30 -0500
From:    Barry Johnson <barryj@TECHNOLOGIST.COM>
Subject: Language nuance

This was from a  friend that I was sending a computer disk  through the
mail to.

>I checked the male.  No dick yet, mabye tommorow.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 22:59:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Actor<some swearing>

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've
got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so
long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
""Hark I hear the cannons roar"" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He
marches on stage and shouts:
"Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9
o'clock Saturday evening".

The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major
bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the
theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the
cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the
cannons roar".

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped
by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, get up to
makeup straight away.

So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the
makeup girl.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down
here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the
stage, you're about to go on"

So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the
stage manager.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", get on there, the
curtains about to go up"

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is
full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the
actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT"


Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 22:14:02 +0000
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Lexicon of Male Behavior (sexual themes, non-obscene)

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus -- Learn to Speak Martian!
               Jim's Helpful New Words To Describe Male Behavior

Neanderful. Men haven't made much progress in the art of wooing over
the last few hundred years, as evidenced by the Tonya Harding
affair. Basically, it's still "here, look what I've beaten and killed
for you!" Women need a way to indicate appreciation and revulsion at
the same time. Now, there's a word. "Og, that was really neanderful;
now please drag the bloody carcass out of the foyer, wipe off your
club, and be sure to write me from jail."

Manslobber. Some men just can't take no for an answer. The harmless
majority of these Gomers are much like laboratory monkeys who keep
pressing a button which administers a dose of potentially
pleasurable, but eventually deadly poison. If refusing a date just
doesn't get through to the bundle of glands that is yapping at your
heels, women may now say "I'm sorry, Goofus, but I'm going to have to
press manslobber charges."

Mammopia. This phrase would be used to chasten men who just can't
seem to focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related} body parts.
When this behavior is detected, women could say "Hey buddy, I'm up
here! You need radial keratotomy for that severe case of mammopia."

Premature Articulation. This phrase would be used to assail the
"Schwing Reflex," which causes men to make vulgar comments about
attractive women who pass within their field of view. An occasional
"Hello, Betty!" is forgivable and physiological responses are not
controllable (if they were, oh happy day!). Still, men ought to know
better than to say things like "Here, chickie, chickie" or "Come to
Papa!" The problem is: men speak before they think. The next time it
happens, women may retort, "What's the matter Hercules, have you got a
case of premature articulation?"

Haskellate. Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie Haskell from
Leave it to Beaver, this phrase would be used to castigate men who
heap meaningless flattery on women with all their motives ulterior.
When the doo-doo gets deep, women could say "if these flurries
haskellate any further, I'll be knee deep in it."

Blowhole. Men are much like whales. They lie around most of the
time, then surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who must nod
through a nice meal while her date sounds off about his {completely
made-up} accomplishments. When this happens, she should say "Moby
dear, why don't you submerge now and give your blowhole a little
rest. You're getting the other diners a little wet."

Jim Rosenberg
The Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 23:07:45 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/20/98 - Signs It's a Bad Luge Run

                       February 20, 1998

       The Top 15 Signs Your Luge Run Isn't Going So Well

15> Sufficient speed?  Check.  Firm turns?  Check.  Pants?  Uh oh.

14> Four guys in a bobsled keep flashing their lights at you.

13> Your wife runs alongside cheering for a good nine turns.

12> Your "luge" is actually a tray from the Olympic Village
    Commissary.

11> One bad bump finds you bulleting through Nagano's sewer system.

10> Your face seems to be creating more drag than the sled runners
    did.

 9> A flash of orange, a loud thump, and then "Oh my God, they
    killed Kenny!  The bastards!"

 8> "Think I'll use 'Rosebud' today."

 7> G-forces have peeled off both your suit and your Snowlets
    Underoos.

 6> Michelle Kwan just passed you.

 5> Faint odor of smoking buttcheeks getting stronger by the
    second.

 4> Beans for lunch + Spandex Suit = Hot Air Balloon

 3> Sure, the sundress is killer, but it's wreaking havoc on
    your aerodynamics, dude.

 2> In retrospect, perhaps kissing the sled for good luck at 30
    below wasn't such a great idea.

    and the Number 1 Sign Your Luge Run Isn't Going So Well...

 1> Your partner breathlessly whispers that that's not the
    emergency brake poking you in the back.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 09:45:28 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: World's Deadliest Poison

Q.What's the world's most deadliest poison??

A.Aviation, ONE drop and you're DEAD!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 21:49:19 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Ask before you touch...

 During a long flight, a gentleman developed a serious problem.  He
 made several attempts to get into the men's room, but found it to be
 occupied each time.  The flight attendant noticed that he was walking

 funny, taking small steps and had the look of anxiety on his face.
 "Sir" she said, "the ladies' room is unoccupied.  You may use it if you
 promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

 At that point he would have promised anything!  He went to the
 ladies' room, relieved himself, and sat there savoring the relief.  He
 noticed the buttons he'd promised not to touch.  The buttons were
 labled
 "WW", "WA", "PP", and the red one was labled "ATR".

 Who would know if he touched them?  He couldn't resist!  The
 curiosity was too great!  He pushed the button labled "WW".  Warm
 water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  Such a feeling came over him!
"Men's rooms don't have things like this," he thought.  Anticipating even
greater pleasure, he pressed the button labled "WA".  Warm air replaced
the warm water.

 It dried his underside thoroughly.  The warm air stopped.  Without
 hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button.  A large powder puff caressed
 his bottom adding the fragile scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable
pleasure.  "The ladies' room is more than a restroom," he thought, "this
is a place of tender loving care!"  When the powder puff had quit, he pushed
the red button marked "ATR" knowing this must be the ultimate joy in the
ladies' room experience!

 He knew he was in the hosptial as soon as he opened his eyes.  A
 nurse was starring down at him with a smirk on her face.  "What
 happened? How did I get here?  The last thing I remember, I was in the
ladies' room on the plane."

 The nurse replied, "you pushed too many buttons, Sir."  Her smirk
 expanded to a grin.  "The last button, marked 'ATR', was an automatic
 tampon remover-- your penis is under your pillow."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Feb 1998 10:55:00 PST
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Taxes

  A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice
  on what to wear.  "Wear your shabbiest clothing.  Let him think you
  are a pauper."
  Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
  advice.  "Do not let them intimidate you.  Wear your most elegant suit
  and tie."
  Confused, the man went to a philospher, told him of the conflicting
  advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
  "Let me tell you a story,"  replied the rabbi.  "A woman, about to be
  married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.  'Wear a
  heavy, long, flannel nightgown  that goes right up to your neck.' But
  when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.  'Wear
  your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'" The
  man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the
  IRS?"

  "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Feb 1998 to 20 Feb 1998
************************************************

