HUMOR Digest - 18 Feb 1998 to 19 Feb 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 566 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. More Spoonerisms
  2. Teen Sex <adult humor>
  3. Grocery clerk
  4. The Collection <may be off. to religious people>
  5. A Great Philosopher Reflects on CATs <humor>
  6. HUMOR: fortune cookie <not off.>
  7. Differences between good girls and bad girls
  8. Humor-Correct answer, wrong question
  9. Sign
 10. <No subject given>
 11. Marriage Sacrifice
 12. Blonde Funnies Off. to blondes...if they understood these)
 13. Winter Olympics
 14. Travel Broadens? (off to hotel workers)
 15. Should I be Honest? <IT'S MY LIFE!,READ IT>

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Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 23:43:32 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: More Spoonerisms

There was this fellow who lived in Pomona, California, who happened to
be born with the name Harold Kissinger. Nixon and Watergate came along,
and he found himself frequently being teased about his name because of
the similarity to Nixon's Secretary of State. So he changed it to Harold
Simpson. Then the O. J. trials started and so did the jokes. He was no
better off than when he started. Finally he had his name legally changed
to Harold Levinski, thinking that would solve all his problems. Now all
his friends are beginning to ask, ...  "I wonder who's Kissinger now."


In conjunction with his retaliation against a coup attempt by a number
of rebellious nobles, George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed
intending to utilize it in punishing the leaders of the uprising. His
advisors solved the problem of transporting the rack to the upcoming
battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy
encampment by renting forty pachyderms and hiring an African engineer
with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive
labor. Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the
elephants startled by nearby battle cries, stampeded, carrying the ranp
with the African on it, tumbling down the hill, rolling over the
opposition virtually destroying it. One of the survivors painfully
arose, crying out, "What in creation was that?" An anguished companion
stammered, "I'm not sure but it looked like ...  a rambling rack from
George's attack and an elephant engineer."


This was the day that could be the most important day in my career. I
had rented three adjoining rooms at the Four Seasons Hotel, where we
hoped to work out an agreement that would result in a merger of our
firms. I expected some heavy social drinking during our meetings and
went to the liquor cabinet to ensure that it was properly stocked. To my
horror and chagrin, I found the cabinet filled with bottles of Angastora
and little else. I called the manager and demanded that the bottles be
removed and the liquor cabinet be better stocked. He refused stating,
... "You have to take the bitters with the suite."


There was an aged sailor I once knew. It seems that his mother was,
well, not one of the finest examples of humanity ever known. For one
thing, she was a hopeless alcoholic who spent every night in endless bar
crawls. She rarely paid her bar tabs, and relied on an endless series of
completely false sob stories to keep the local bartenders from banning
her from their establishments. One night, at one of her favorite haunts,
a drinking buddy of hers offered her some LSD. She never remembered
exactly what happened that night, but nine months later, my old friend
the sailor was born. Just goes to show you:  ... Combining acid with an
alky liar produces an old salt.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 03:07:30 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Teen Sex <adult humor>

*   "And who exactly," asked the scornful lil' sexpot after she
  and her date had both stripped in the motel room, "do you expect
  to satisfy with THAT ?"
    "Me, Jody, me !" grinned the date.
                                - - - - -

*   Pity the poor high school dropout who ran away from home and
  took to the streets.  She unwittingly approached a plainclothes
  policeman.
    Her proposition ended with a sentence.
                                - - - - -

*   It's no wonder the French have always been considered good
  lovers.  I just found out that one of the required classes in
  junior high school is "Tongue Fu".
                                - - - - -

*   The teen couple ended their date at her house.  She invited
  the boy in, since it was early.  As he sat down on the sofa she
  said, "Would you like to have a lil' drink ?"
    He grinned & replied, "I'd like to have a little -- period."
    "How very convenient." she mused.  "'Cause that's exactly
  what I'm having."
                                - - - - -

*   The father was fuming and berated his son for being expelled
  from his alma mater, a prestigious military academy.
    "They wouldn't have caught me at all." simpered the gay cadet
  "If I hadn't attempted to switch Majors."
                                - - - - -

*   And of course, y'all have heard about the cross-eyed Olympic
  speed skater who developed a shoe fetish.  Seems he was always
  getting off on the wrong foot.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 06:29:34 -0600
From:    Fred <fredb@LINKUP.NET>
Subject: Grocery clerk

A woman was in a grocery store and she liked one of the young men whose =
job it is to bag the groceries and take them out to your car. Making =
sure that she checked out in the line where he was working, she had him =
bag her groceries and when they reached the parking lot she told him =
that she had an "itchy pussy". He replied, "You are going to have to =
point it out to me lady, those Japanese cars all look alike to me"!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 14:53:45 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Collection <may be off. to religious people>

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher
decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday,
as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't
like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is
having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not
at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name."

Later, as he counted the money, he found 21 five dollar bills, and a
two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll
have that other three dollars before sundown."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 09:34:02 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Great Philosopher Reflects on CATs <humor>

From: Wordsmith

When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with
me rather than I with her?      -Montaigne

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 09:45:29 -0500
From:    "Lara B. Little" <llittle@NEWMAIL.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: fortune cookie <not off.>

True story: the other day my husband's fortune cookie said, "Your car will
run trouble-free for the next 40,000 miles."

2 hours later, his car's alternator died...

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 07:04:00 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Differences between good girls and bad girls

*Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
*Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

*Good girls wax their floors.
*Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

*Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
*Bad girls know they could do it better.

*Good girls wear white cotton panties.
*Bad girls don't wear any.

*Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of
pearls.
*Bad girls think they're fullu dressed with just a strand of
pearls.

*Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
*Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

*Good girls pack their toothbrush.
*Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

*Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
*Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

*Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
*Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

*Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
*Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

*Good girls say 'no'.
*Bad girls say 'when?'


http://www.rcjokelist.com

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 08:39:00 -0800
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Humor-Correct answer, wrong question

Correct answer, wrong question

Dave and Larry were sitting on a bench in the park.
Dave saw a dog by Larry, and asked "Does your dog bite?"
Larry told him, "No, my dog doesn't bite."
Dave reached down to pet the dog and the dog bit him.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite."
"That's not my dog!"

This version of the joke formatted by TG (Tina Gunther)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 20:04:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Sign

Sign seen in the optical lab:

Please do not look into laser with remaining eye.


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 14:54:37 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

Thanks to Laugh-a-lot

    The local sleazy car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage
 of several people in the community, informed a farmer he was coming
 over to purchase a cow.  When he arrived, he had a bit of "sticker
 shock" at the sight of the information the farmer attached to the cow:

     Basic cow ..........................................$499.95
     Extra stomachs .......................................79.25
     Two ton exterior ....................................142.10
     Heavy duty straw chopper ............................189.60
     Milk production system ..............................375.13
     Produce storage compartment .........................126.50
     Four spigot high output drain system ................149.20
     Automatic fly swatter ................................88.50
     Genuine cowhide upholstery ..........................179.90
     Deluxe dual horns ....................................59.25
     Automatic fertilizer attachment .....................339.40
     4+4 traction drive assembly .........................884.16
     Pre-delivery wash and detailing ......................69.80
     Destination Charge ..................................395.00
     Tax, license and title ..............................306.63

     Total list Price..................................$3,884.41

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 22:37:00 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Marriage Sacrifice

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress.  If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die in few months:

"Each morning, fix him a healthy warm breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For
dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with
him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love
to your husband several times a week and satisfy him every time.  If you
can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"I am sorry baby, he said you're going to die," she replied.


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 15:44:21 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Blonde Funnies Off. to blondes...if they understood these)

 Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an AM radio?
 A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

 Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
 A: There's white-out on the screen.

 Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
 A: There's writing on the white-out.

 Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
 A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

 Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already
    written on the overhead transparency?
 A: She turned it over and used the other side.

 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
 A: Artificial intelligence.

 Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
 A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

 Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
 A: Data transfer.

 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
 A: To see what was on the other side.

 Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
 A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

 Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her
    ears?
 A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

 Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
 A: They always forget the recipe.

 Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
 A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

 Q: What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette.....
 A: A blonde cheerleader doing cartwheels.

 Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
 A: Because they can understand them.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 20:45:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Winter Olympics

Winter Olympics
Some Phrases to help you get around Nagano.

Moon Lan Ding...........A great achievement of the American space program
Gun Pao Der.............An ancient Chinese invention
Lin Ching...............An illegal execution
Hia Yu..................Greeting
Wai So Dim..............Are you trying to save electricity?
Shai Gai................Bashful person
Lo Fing.................Being nonproductive
Wa Shing Kah............Cleaning an automobile
Si Ling Fan.............Device to keep you cool
Jan Ne Ka Sun...........Former late night talk show host
Ar U Wun Tu.............Gay liberation greeting
Lao Ze Sho..............Gilligan's Island
Chin Tu Fat.............Have you considered a face lift?
Wai Go Nao..............How about staying a while?
Ai Bang Mai Ni..........I bumped into the coffee table
Wai Hang Mi.............I do not deserve the death penalty
Ai No Pei...............I have a press pass
Yu Bai Tu Hai...........I see you are not doing well in the stock market
Hao Long Wei Ting.......Inquiry to determine if bus is due
No Wei Ding.............Keep out of pond
Ne Ahn..................Lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Lei Tsho................Midnight television program
Jah Kee Pin Ching.......My underwear is too tight
Sum Ting Wong...........Not everything is right here
Lao Zi..................Not very good
Wai Yu Kum Nao..........Our meeting was for next Thursday
Wan Bum Lung............Person with tuberculosis
Tai Ne Bae Be...........Premature infant
No Bai Dam Ting.........Prices are too high here
Lei Lo..................Remain out of sight
Ten Ding Ba.............Serving drinks to people
Tai Ne Po Ne............Small horse
Dum Gai.................Stupid fellow
Wai U Shao Ting.........There is no reason to raise your voice
Hia Dei Kum.............They are approaching
No Pah King.............Tow-away zone
Hu Yu Hai Ding..........We have reason to believe you are harboring a
                        fugutive
Yu Zhu Lee Wong.........Weather forecaster
Hu Flung Dung...........Which one of you fertilized the field?
Wai Yu Mun Ching........You're blowing your diet
Shu Man Go..............Your body odour is offensive
Yu Mai Te Tan...........Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 14:01:01 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Travel Broadens? (off to hotel workers)

For those USA travelers who are readers, this conversation should sound
familiar:

Room Service:  Momy. Run-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest:  Oh, sorry.  I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS:  Rye, rune-sore-bees.  Momy.  Djewish to odor sunteen?
HG:  Uh...yes.  I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS:  Ow July then?
HG:  What?
RS:  Aches. Ow July then?  Pry, boy, pooch...?
HG:  Oh, the eggs!  How do I like them?  Sorry.  Scrambled please.
RS:  Ow July thee baycome?  Crease?
HG:  Crisp will be fine.
RS:  Okay.  An Santos?
HG:  What?
RS:  Santos.  July  Santos?
HG:  Ugh.  I don't know... I don't think so.
RS:  No.  Judo one toes?
HG:  Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
        "judo one toes" means.  I'm sorry.
RS:  Toes!  Toes!  Why djew Don Juan toes?  Ow bow
        cenglish mopping we bother?
HG:  English muffin!  I've got it!  You were saying toast!
        Fine.  An English muffin will be fine.
RS:  We bother?
HG:  No.  Just put the bother on the side.
RS:  Wad?
HG:  I'm sorry.  I meant butter.  Butter on the side.
RS:  Copy?
HG:  I feel terrible about this but...
RS:  Copy.  Copy, tea, mill...
HG:  Coffee!  Yes, coffee please.  And that's all.
RS:  One Minnie.  Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches,
        crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we
        botherm honey sigh, and copy.  Rye?
RS:  Okay, tendjewberrymud.
HG:  You're welcome.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Feb 1998 09:43:20 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Should I be Honest? <IT'S MY LIFE!,READ IT>

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era
deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for
Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my
father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most
of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my
$500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny
"The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter),
and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this:   I have just gotten engaged to the most
beautiful,  sweetest girl in the world.  She is just sweet
sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape
from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and
start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor.
We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a
good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I,
or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Feb 1998 to 19 Feb 1998
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