HUMOR Digest - 17 Feb 1998 to 18 Feb 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 531 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sexual Perplexities <adult humor>
  2. The Specialist, and Its all in a Name
  3. It's an Alien's Life!
  4. FW: Laws of the Universe
  5. Charlie Brown <adult themes>
  6. A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood...(off. to old wrinkly women)
  7. Will Rogers (Not Off.)
  8. Humor-Logical defense
  9. Greek Marriage <sexual content>
 10. Delightful ventings of outrage  <current events>
 11. Some "Official" Tips.. <clean>

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Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 03:22:46 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sexual Perplexities <adult humor>

*   An overly-sexed young man, who had an erection at the
  slightest provocation, went to a doctor for medical advice.
  The doctor suggested that he tape the organ to his leg.
    Shortly thereafter, the doctor received a call from the
  man who complained bitterly that the doctor had been the
  cause of his girlfriend leaving him, as well as possible
  criminal charges being filed.
    The doctor, mystified, asked the young man to explain.
    The man said that he and his girl were walking down the
  street, and that she had spotted a twenty dollar bill on the
  sidewalk, skipped ahead to pick it up, bent over at the waist,
  and he promptly booted her with his foot right in her butt.
                                - - - - -

*   The male "escort" had accepted a check in payment for his
  services.  It was returned when he tried to deposit it though.
  The check had a stop payment order issued on it. On the back
  were written the words: "insufficient fun".
                                - - - - -

*   "I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to
  the other. "I'm filing for an annulment."
    "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why ?"
    "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
    "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just
  can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
    "It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over
  five years ago."
                                - - - - -

*   When they were seated on the couch watching TV, the sweet
  young thang suddenly exclaimed, "Oh !!!  Oh, please don't do
  that Georgie, or I'll go all to pieces."
    "You go right on ahead Jody." the boy said with a smirk.
  "I've got a good hold on the part I want."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 01:17:45 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Specialist, and Its all in a Name

A man goes to consult a famous specialist about his medical problem.
"How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is fifty ruples," replies the physician.
"Fifty ruples? That's impossible."
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to
thirty ruples."
"Thirty ruples for one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford twenty ruples?"
"Who has so much money?"
"Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me five ruples
and be gone."
"I can give you two ruples." says the man. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most
expensivev doctor in Warsaw?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health, nothing is
too expensive."


There was this fellow who lived in Pomona, California, who happened to be
born with the name Seymore Kissinger. Nixon and Watergate came along, and
he found himself frequently being teased about his name because of the
similarity to Nixon's Secretary of State. So he changed it to Seymore
Simpson. Then the O. J. trials started and so did the jokes. He was no
better off than when he started. Finally he had his name legally changed
to Seymore Levinski thinking that would solve all his problems. Now all his
friends are beginning to ask, "I wonder who's Kissinger now."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 06:50:46 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: It's an Alien's Life!

   Sure, it seems easy being a space alien. You've got your x-ray vision,
 your late model space ships and media coverage galore.  But, as usual
 with most glamour jobs, there's a lot of nitty gritty work the public
 doesn't get to see.  The job can become routine, and even a bit tedious,
 as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing page from...

             S P A C E  A L I E N ' S  L O G  B O O K
 ***********************************************************************
 | 8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.                                    |
 |                                                                     |
 | 9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town. |
 |                                                                     |
 | 9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry.        |
 |         Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.                  |
 |                                                                     |
 |10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger-   |
 |         tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by  |
 |         a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship.  |
 |         Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return |
 |         most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. |
 |         Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two     |
 |         hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.                       |
 |                                                                     |
 | 1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has   |
 |         gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments  |
 |         of an unidentifiable element.                               |
 |                                                                     |
 | 2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check     |
 |         from best seller. Communion.                                |
 |                                                                     |
 | 3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to     |
 |         go next.                                                    |
 |                                                                     |
 | 3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.                             |
 |                                                                     |
 | 3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.                             |
 |                                                                     |
 | 4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Clinton.   |
 |         Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion,     |
 |         future political endorsements.                              |
 |                                                                     |
 | 6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other  |
 |         aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.                             |
 |                                                                     |
 | 9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.                                        |
 |                                                                     |
 |10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of      |
 |         skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.   |
 ***********************************************************************

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 14:08:48 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: Laws of the Universe

This one's from Michelle.........

 The Universe According To Dilbert
 By Scott Adams

 *Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But
  you still don't want to get any on you.

 *You are without romance or mirth... You must be an engineer.

 *The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard
  and the crud behind the refrigerator.

 *I used to feel guilty about smashing bugs until I realized it's a
  sport.

 *And in the news... Body parts were strewn for miles... Check your
  sandwich.

 *Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or
  religion... unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be
  considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you
  are a short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without
  restraint), or are a nerd, smoker, or single person. Stupid people may
  now also be discriminated against due to the failure of their lobbying
  efforts.

 *I used to be clueless but I've turned that situation around 360
  degrees.

 *Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad
  dog!

 *There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.

 *All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your
  problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them.

 *Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over
  those who don't. And there will be a special name for them: secretaries.

 *In the next hour, you will learn how to cope with guilt the Dogbert
  way. And if you don't, well, it turns out I get paid anyway.

 *Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer... So, life will
  feel awful, but at least it will last longer.

 *Before you defeat the competition, you must first subjugate the other
  departments.

 *It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing
  better to do with their lives.

 *Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of
  unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time
  for you? No? OK, we'll call back later.

 *If you have everything, gloat. When that gets boring, start your own
  line of perfumes.

 *If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll
  blame it on Microsoft.

 *Always put off dealing with time-wasting morons. If you would like to
  know how... I'll get back to you on that.

 *There's more to science than just hurting small animals, but it's the
  part that's the most fun.

 *What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot.

 *Knowledge is power... But power corrupts... And corruption is a
  crime... And crime doesn't pay... So if you keep on studying you'll go
  broke!

 *Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid
  people have big mouths.

 *Time slows down as you approach the speed of light... But time flies
  when you're having fun... So if you walk slower, do you have more fun
  or do you just get more light?

 *It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere
  animals, but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to
  "championship wrestling."

 *One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

 *If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are
  likely to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track
  record.

 *Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.

 *Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying
  to strangers.

 *To become one with your computer is to reach a state of... nerdvana.

 *When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 06:31:14 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Charlie Brown <adult themes>

(Taken from Dogbyte's "Trashlaughs")

A few years ago Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang made a
new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special
entitled, "Why Me, Charlie Brown?"

Recently MetLife put out a series of instructional pamphlets
which feature the gang dealing with contemporary issues.

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

 We learn about VD in:
      "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

 Charlie and the little red-headed girl
 learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
      "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

 Is Linus gay?
      "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

 Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:
      "OYE!  VATO!  QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

 See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:
      "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

 Discover a father's forbidden love in:
      "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN"

 Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
      "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

 What goes on the mind of a serial killer?  Discover the inner
 workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous
 alter ego "Mr. Clean" in:
      "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

 Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:
      "ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

 Charlie Brown gets his first job in:
      "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while
 stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:
      "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"

 Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in:
      "WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 Charlie gets an AOL account and stays up all night long in:
      "WELCOME!... YOU HAVE MAIL, CHARLIE BROWN"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 10:34:37 -0500
From:    "J.M. A'Hearn" <jahearn@RXS.COM>
Subject: A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood...(off. to old wrinkly women)

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most
sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an
outfit.

"This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."  "I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."  "I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. Saying "Go put
this on and come down to model it for me"

His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "This thing is
so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it
or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the
difference.

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a
pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she says.

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 11:51:39 EST
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not Off.)

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (But probably wishes he had!)

--A crooked path is the shortest way to the state prison.

--There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having
  to get up.

--What this country needs are colleges that teach everything
  the students think they already know.

--Saying it with flowers doesn't mean throwing bouquets at
  yourself.

--Childhood is that wonderful period when all you need to do
  to lose weight is take a bath.

--Nowadays when a woman says her new evening gown is nothing,
  she means it.

--Drive toward others as you would have others drive toward you.

--What you don't owe certainly won't hurt you.

--A diet helps people to gain weight slower.

--Much of history is just gossip that has grown old gracefully.


Doug's Joke Book

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 11:23:18 -0800
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Humor-Logical defense

Remember when Florida was having problems with somebody killing visitors? Here
is a redneck sniper's rationale:

"I figgered it like this: If'n it's legal to shoot deer durin' deer season an'
ducks durin' duck season, then when tourist season come 'round, I should be
able to shoot tourists."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 21:39:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Greek Marriage <sexual content>

A woman agreed to marry a Greek man.  Her father warned her that being
Greek, he will probably ask her to "turn over" while in bed and making
love, and she was under no obligation to perform that way for him.

Sure enough, after being married for a few month, the husband was in bed
with his wife and asks, "Honey, would you like to turn over?"

The wife got very upset and said, "My father warned me you would try
something like that!  No way!"

"But Honey - don't you want to have kids?"


Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 21:19:04 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Delightful ventings of outrage  <current events>

Alert: I don't write this stuff (okay maybe every now and then I
write a brilliant line or two). I do select the posts from one of
the great humor columns, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's The Vent
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent


The Psychic Friends Network is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Man, who saw
that coming?

President Clinton's refusal to talk about the Monica Lewinsky affair
brings to mind an old adage: "It is better to remain silent and
thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt."

Naming the Washington National Airport for Ronald Reagan is like
renaming Atlanta Shermantown.

The reporters sure have been negligent. Some of the Monica Lewinsky's
grade school teachers have yet to be intereviewed. And don't forget
the camp counsellors.

One recent study reported that men with the most education get the
least amount of sex. Another study reported that highly educated
women have the most headaches. Is there some correlation here?

I was disillusioned the other day to learn that NBA officials don't
call fouls on superstars. Next thing you know they'll tell me that
wrestling is rigged.

If the PGA thinks walking the course is a vital part of the game, why
don't they outlaw caddies and make the golfers carry their own bags?

The Winter Olympics in a word: boring!

It is unbelievable that with all of the millions of dollars spent on
coverage of the Winter Olympics, not one of the commentators can
pronounce Nagano correctly.

Saddam Hussein needs a friend like Linda Tripp.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Feb 1998 09:40:24 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Some "Official" Tips.. <clean>

"Want to have some fun at work?"

How to pass your time in office ... some tips ...

 1. Have work breaks in between tea.
 2. Count your fingers (and toes if you get bored).
 3. Improve your typing speed.
 4. Try chatting with some unknown person.
 5. Read jokes, send jokes, edit jokes, write jokes, breathe jokes.
 6. Revise last weeks newspaper.
 7. Meditate.
 8. Have a two hour lunch, its a big social occasion.
 9. Take up smoking, so you can have cigarette breaks too.
10. Sing in sync with the carpenters hammering.
11. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
12. Follow the amoeba that floats in front of your eyes.
13. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
14. Try reformatting the mainframe DASD.
15. Practise aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
16. Crib.
17. Crib some more.
18. Make blank calls to your Project Manager.
19. Rearrange the furniture, ie. flick someone else chair just to
    irritate him.
20. Compile "How to waste your day" lists.
21. Read "How to waste your day" lists.
22. Paste a copy of this mail on your board.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Feb 1998 to 18 Feb 1998
************************************************

