HUMOR Digest - 16 Feb 1998 to 17 Feb 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 663 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Short Tails +
  2. Women's Logic <adult humor>
  3. Zippergate (Off. to politicians)
  4. Finding The Right Girl (adult)
  5. My Favourite Things (adult & off. to Bill Clinton)
  6. New Humbble Space Telescope Data
  7. Monica Lewinksky's Performance Appraisal <Offensive to the entire USA>
  8. Top5 - 2/16/98 - Figure Skater Pet Peeves
  9. Humor - Wacky Texas Election
 10. Where do you want to go today?
 11. Competition <rude>
 12. Curry Rhapsody
 13. The Foolish Fugitive
 14. Outbursts about current events
 15. Recent American Ads <adult,enjoyable ;)>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 23:39:30 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Short Tails +

William Penn

The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and
Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and
raised the prices up and up until all the people in Quakertown were
talking about those pie-rates of Penn's aunts.

The Busy Poet

The young poet was devoted, so totally devoted to his work -- that he
would rise in the morning, and immediately begin penning new couplets
and rhymes. So devoted, mind you, that he did nothing else. In fact, it
was said that he only went from bed to verse.

The Tour

In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes
and offered trips to the homeland, Ireland. After securing their down
payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split.
When the scam was discovered, the story ran in the local papers under
the headline: "Tour Allure: A lie"

Paint

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British
merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.
One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It
had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.
As a result of this disaster, both crews were marooned.

Tea

George loved tea. He'd always come over for several cups. He had an
insatiable thirst. He became such a nuisance that we decided to fix him.
To cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the
stuff. One day we forced him to drink ten posts of tea. As he staggered
off, we laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots in a tea
pest.

Wounds of Valor

Two old tomcats were bragging about their brave exploits. "Nice looking
scars you've got their on your neck!" said one. "Thanks," said the
other, "I made them from scratch."

The Railroad Station

A railroad porter decided to get married in a large room on the second
floor of the the terminal. So many friends and kinfolk showed up, that
their combined weight caused the building to collapse injuring the bride
groom and many of the guests. The moral of the story: Never marry above
your station

Columbus

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others
believed it was flat and that if you travelled far enough you would go
over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as
America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to
Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most
believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents written
by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what
Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His first
words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred
miles on a galleon."

Indian Artifacts

Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.
Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not
leave without purchasing at least one momento of the traditional
Indian culture.  One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his
competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a
fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls
they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian
would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany,
thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authenic, his competitors
complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 03:05:39 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women's Logic <adult humor>

*   Back before any of us even knew who the Clintons were (aka
  "The Good Old Days"), they left a party & got into their car.
  Hillary slid over close and began to stroke Bill's thigh.
    After he was aroused, she bent down and performed quite an
  extraordinary session of fellatio.  Bill, confused, but both
  pleased and satisfied drove home contentedly.
    As they pulled into their driveway, Hillary stroked Bill's
  thigh again, and got no response at all.  "There !" she said.
  "NOW you may drive the blonde babysitter home."
                                - - - - -

*   "Whatever happened to that nice Naval gunnery officer you used
  to go around with ?" one girlfriend asked the other.
    "Oh, I dumped him."  she replied with a heavy sigh. "Lieutenant
  Gridley always fired before I was ready."
                                - - - - -

*   Behind the locked door of the private office, a CEO had just
  completed some extra-martial activity with his shapely secretary
  when his private-line phone rang.
    At a nod from her boss, the girl got up and answered it.  "No,
  Mrs. Johnson," she said, "he isn't in at the moment, so I'll let
  you speak to him."
                                - - - - -

*   When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have
  to cut back on expenses quickly.  As much as he hated to, he knew
  he would have to give-up most of his harem.  He decided to find
  out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain
  just those few.
    Nite after nite the "contest" was held.  Then one of the younger
  girls performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was
  one of the chosen.  "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your
  fabulous technique."
    "What I did, O Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes
  prior to our session." replied the girl.  "You see, my Mother told
  me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 06:15:18 -5
From:    Mike Kidulich <mjkid@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Zippergate (Off. to politicians)

Lets face it, folks. All politicians are out to screw the public,
Bill Clinton just prefers to do it one-on-one!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 15:03:21 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Finding The Right Girl (adult)

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs.

In high school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time.
So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited
about anything.
So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without
direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so
ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big boobs!!


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 09:59:01 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: My Favourite Things (adult & off. to Bill Clinton)

 Bill's song should be sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from the
 movie "The Sound of Music":

     The Bill Clinton version: My Favorite Things

     Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
     Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
     Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
     These are a few of my favorite things

     Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
     Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
     Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
     These are a few of my favorite things

     Beating the draft board and getting elected,
     Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
     Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
     These are a few of my favorite things

     Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
     Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
     Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
     These are a few of my favorite things

     Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
     States of the Union with lots of baloney,
     Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
     These are a few of my favorite things

      When that Jones bites,
      When Ken Starr stings,
      When I'm feeling sad,
      I simply remember my favorite things,
      And then I don't feel so bad

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 07:03:37 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: New Humbble Space Telescope Data

     Hubble's photographs of distant galaxies indicate galaxies
are colliding.  Of course, astronomers have had pictures of
colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly
improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you
can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...


 http://www.rcjokelist.com

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 11:07:05 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Monica Lewinksky's Performance Appraisal <Offensive to the entire USA>

Truly an eager beaver.
Stays late, comes early.
She sucks, but doesn't inhale.
Great attitude. Willing to accept a heavy load.
Although not a whiner, is a moaner.
Excellent oral dictation skills.
Seems to have a great aptitude for domestic affairs.
Takes it into her head to come up with career advancement ideas.
Talks too much on the telephone.
Sometimes complains of jaw pain.
"In Box" is always clean and shiny.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 11:28:05 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/16/98 - Figure Skater Pet Peeves

                       February 16, 1998

              The Top 16 Figure Skater Pet Peeves

16> Mom keeps blowing that airhorn during your performances.

15> Mandatory after-competition drug sampling gets prime time
    coverage.

14> 3 tenths of a point taken away for wearing a helmet.  6 tenths
    taken away for cracking head open during the "Death Spiral."

13> TV coverage prevents you from shooting a snot rocket while
    waiting for your scores.

12> The sumo wrestlers are usually too drunk to put out.

11> That damn Tara Lipinski thinks they'll just *give* her the
    gold medal for sleeping with the President.

10> The unending pursuit to do the never-before-performed
    Double Axel Foley.

 9> Global live satellite network allows over 4 billion people
    to see your monster wedgie.

 8> When the women gymnasts snicker, "How's the air up there?"

 7> Noise from Oksana's leg cuffs can be distracting.

 6> Russian judges blatantly favor women skaters with facial hair.

 5> No good place to hide the colostomy bag.

 4> Points no longer given for impressive forehead since Scott
    Hamilton retired.

 3> At 15, you win the gold medal.  At 16, you're playing "Wacky
    Rabbit" in the Ice Capades.

 2> Difficult to hide an excited "Little Skater", if you know
    what I mean.

    and the Number 1 Figure Skater Pet Peeve...

 1> President Clinton always phoning in with the same advice:
    "Skin to win!"


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 11:07:22 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Wacky Texas Election

               Hides and lows of seeking office.

      Inspector post has Fort Bend candidates doing nothing to win.

 By PATTI MUCK
 Copyright 1998 Houston Chronicle

 RICHMOND,TX. -- It takes a thick skin to campaign for political office in
Fort Bend County.

 And the Republican stampede for inspector of hides and animals -- a
genuine elected position in Texas for more than a century -- is prodding
the rhetorical juices into full gallop.

 "I'm the only qualified candidate because I went to A&M and I wear boots,"
said incumbent Inspector Jeffrey A. McMeans, 32, who won the post while
still in law school in 1991. "Plus, I'm the only one who drives a pickup
truck."

 The Richmond resident is circling the wagons to fend off two-time opponent
Jay Woodard, 57, an industrial real estate businessman, and Pam Beach, 47,
a lawyer.

 Woodard, who lives in Sugar Land, is an old hand at the race, having lost
to McMeans in 1996. His business cards -- with a picture of a horse and a
cow mislabeled -- promise he will "do absolutely nothing if elected! Over
50 years experience at it!"

 Beach, wife of County Attorney Bud Childers, is taking her first stab at
politics and wants to be the first woman inspector of hides and animals in
Texas.

 "I'm making this a gender issue, because that's all I've got," said Beach.
She's still toying with a campaign slogan, torn between "nothing to hide"
and "a woman can do nothing better than a man."

 To be sure, the trio is having a lot of fun with an election that is bona
fide Texas.

 The Legislature created the position by statute in 1876, according to the
Texas secretary of state's office. The inspector of hides and animals --
set up to encourage and protect raising stock when Texas had open ranges --
was charged with checking brands and bills of sale on cattle and horses
entering, leaving or passing through a county.


Note: Fort Bend County is part of Metropolitan Houston where cattle
      ranching has been surpassed by suburban housing.


------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 13:05:18 -0600
From:    Thomas Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Where do you want to go today?

Lynn B. writes:
"Where do you want to go today?"

There is, at least in the U.S., a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet
Explorer 4.0 package which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis
Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.

"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen.
Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus
addictis," which may answer the question for some. It translates as,

"The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell."


http://home.earthlink.net/~twideman/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 21:53:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Competition <rude>

Three black men were on the top of the Empire State Building.  They
started arguing about who had the largest Soul Pole.  One of them said,
"Well, lets all hang our dongs off this here bilden and see which one of
'em goes down the farthest."  The first one whips his out. "Five
stories, beat that."  The second one stuggles to pull his out.  "Ten
stories! Ha."  The third one pulls his out and drops it over the edge.
He is standing there for a while and then he starts dancing around.  The
other two look at him like he's lost it and one of them says, "Jerome,
whatthe hell you doin?"  Jerome replies, "Dodgin traffic."


Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 09:36:05 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Curry Rhapsody

  CURRY RHAPSODY

  (To be sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

  Naan-aa, just killed a man
  Poppadom against his head
  Had lime pickle, now he's dead
  Naan-aa, dinner just begun
  But now I'm going to crap it all away

  Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
  Didn't mean to make you cry,
  Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow, Curry on, Curry on,
  'cause nothing really madras

  Too late, my dinner's gone
  Sends shivers up my spine
  Rectum aching all the time
  Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go
  Gotta leave you all behind and use loo

  Naan-aa, ooh ooh,
  This Dopiaza's mild,
  Sometimes wish we'd never come here at all

  I see a little chicken tikka on the side, Rogan Josh, Rogan
  Josh
  pass the chutney made of mango
  Vindaloo does nicely
  Very very spicey
  ME|

  Biryani (Biryani)
  Biryani (Biryani)
  Biryani  and a naan
  O Vindaloooooooo
  (No no no no no non o no no No)

  I've eaten balti, somebody help me
  He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory Stand well back
  This loo's quarantined

  Here it comes,
  There it goes, technicolor yawn
  I chunder
  No|
  It's coming up again
  (There he goes)
  I chunder
  It's coming up again
  (There he goes)
  I chunder
  It's coming up again
  Up again
  Here it comes again
  Here it comes again
  Here it comes again
  Here it comes again

  This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts Poor me
  Poor me
  Poor meeeeeeee|

  So you think you can chunder and think it's alright? So you
  think you can eat curry and drink all night? Ohh maybe, now
  you'll puke like a baby,
  Just had to come out,
  Just had to come right out in here

  Korma, saag or bhuna,
  Balti, naan or bhaji
  Nothing makes a difference to me
  To me
  Anyway my wind blows

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 18:50:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The Foolish Fugitive

>Sent From: Earl Adams


Rev. W.O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the Southern
Baptist Convention a few years ago.  At the annual free breakfast for
retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited his own version of the parable
of the prodigal son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish
Fugitive:

"Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow
finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune.  Forthwith, he
fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously
with fair-weather friends.  Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his
fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot.
He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder
fragments.

"'Fooey!  My father's flunkies fare far fancier,"  the frazzled
fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.

"Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his
family.

"Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have
flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors...'

"But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically
flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

"But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his
father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former
falderal.  His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

"His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is fine, but
what forbids fervent festivities?  The fugitive is found!  Unfurl the
flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely,
former failures forgotten and folly forsaken.  Forgiveness forms a firm
foundation for future fortitude.'"
The End   (hope you enjoyed)


---
Desperate times call for cheap shots.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 22:38:07 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Outbursts about current events

I hope I don't have any "friends" like Linda Tripp.

   A professor wrote these words on the board and asked his students
to correctly punctuate them to make a sentence:

   "Woman without her man is a savage."

   The men came up with, "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

   The women wrote, "Woman: With her, man is a savage."

People who frequently smoke marijuana give themselves away with
ill-timed giggling and inane smiling while speaking: Is Pat Robertson
aware of this?

As I went to confront my kids about a speeding ticket, I overheard my
son tell his little sister, "Remember, deny, deny deny."

While watching the Olympic Opening Ceremony, I kept noticing a
redheaded woman every time a close-up was shown of the emperor. I
couldn't help but wonder if she is an intern at the Imperial Palace.

The only accurate thing that telephone psychics can tell you is how
much they charge per minute.

The way such a big fuss is being made over Monica Lewinsky, one would
think that the president had her seling guns to our enemies out of
the White House to obtain money for a government that Congress had
voted not to aid.

There is this manager at my office who beat the impeachment drums
everyday: "Clinton is a disgrace." I happen to know that this jerk
cheats on his wife, turns in false reimbursement claims, lies
regularly to customers and top management to cover his butt. He's a
deacon at a local Southern Baptist church. Of course he is a
Republican and he listen to Rush Limbaugh for news.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Feb 1998 09:33:42 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Recent American Ads <adult,enjoyable ;)>

Well, I seem to have noticed this recent ad from umm Sega, a video
games manufacturer... believe me, this company's got guts and wits!

Headline 1: "The second-best hand held game in the world!"

Headline 2: "The more you play with it,the harder it gets!"

Talk about some naughty campaigns!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Feb 1998 to 17 Feb 1998
************************************************

