HUMOR Digest - 15 Feb 1998 to 16 Feb 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 631 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Samuel Johnson quote (not offensive)
  2. State of the Presidency
  3. Genesis 1: Clean but may be objectionable to religious fundamentalists
  4. Mistake <possibly offensive to white people>
  5. "Let's get a second opinion, ok? (Slightly irreligious)
  6. Least Popular Personals Acronyms (adult themes)
  7. The True Story of the Three Little Pigs
  8. Pipe specifications (clean, hopefully offensive to specification-writers)
  9. Actual English Subtitles (a little swearing)
 10. Are You a Republican or a Democrat? <clean>
 11. Humor - More Warning Labels
 12. Court Room

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 13:30:49 +0800
From:    Darren <chngch@SINGNET.COM.SG>
Subject: Samuel Johnson quote (not offensive)

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like
their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
                              -- Samuel Johnson

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 02:59:41 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: State of the Presidency

* President Clinton may indeed "feel my pain" as he says. I
  can't help but wonder though if he realizes that he's the
  cause of most of it.
                                - - - - -

*   I'm give 'em this, the Clintons are trying to keep a low
  profile these days and watch their step.  The other day,
  at a State dinner, smoked salmon was served.
    Co-President Hillary leaned over to Clinton and whispered,
  "For Heaven's sake Bill, please don't inhale."
                                - - - - -

* One of the newscasters the other night posed the question as
  to whether Clinton had tarnished the Presidency.  Nah !!!
  I mean look at the new Secretary of State, Bubbles LaRue,
  why just the other day, as she concluded her press conference
  with a fan dance, she...
                                - - - - -

* And another thing Clinton has improved upon is his staff job
  functions.  This marks the first time that the Director of
  Internal Affairs really does manage and schedule "affairs".
                                - - - - -

*   One thing that the kids will miss this year though is the
  annual White House Easter-time "roll on the lawn".
    From what I understand no one under 18 is to be admitted.
                                - - - - -

* I do find it in questionable taste though, when Clinton asked
  the two female members of the Supreme Court (Sandie and Ruthie)
  to provide centerfolds for the official portrait of the Court.
                                - - - - -

* I'm also quite concerned about Clinton's decision to establish
  temporary command centers for his personal use in Canada and
  England should any hostilities break out with Iraq.  I guess
  old habits are hard to break.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 01:36:52 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Genesis 1: Clean but may be objectionable to religious fundamentalists

Genesis 1

In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4,
4004 B.C.. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And
when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got
down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.

And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave
paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.

And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the
earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the
earth; but not too deep. And God buried all the Things which he had
made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the
overtime were Tuesday.

And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that
was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called
he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and
all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise
all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land ,
called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for
instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he
called Wednesday.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature
I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or
feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let
each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like,
whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures,
great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and
feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and
multiply and Evolve Not.

And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for
what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species
competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and
some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God
was pleased. And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them
to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And
he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to
become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters
beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created carbon dating.
And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which
was Thursday, God saw that he had put in another good day's work.

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is
tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys,
which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and
hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the
fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God
created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue
created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey.

And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth
you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I
have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But
they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the
flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall
Surf be wedded unto Turf.

And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the
roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the
weekend.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 10:50:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Mistake <possibly offensive to white people>

Went to the Ray Charles/Van Morrison concert.

Went backstage to see me ol' mate Ray, I said, "Hi Ray, how you doing?"
He said, "Oh Hi George, I'm fine"
I said, "Er, it isn't George, Ray"
"Oh sorry Bert, I thought it was George"
"Nope not Bert either...." "Actually it's Squiffy!"

And Ray said

" Sorry Squifffs, but all you honkies look the same to me!"


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 07:20:31 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: "Let's get a second opinion, ok? (Slightly irreligious)

 A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery
 when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and
 started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a
 limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
 Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet
 down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the
 canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
 Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
 Again and again he cried out but to no avail.

 Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

 A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

 "Who is it?"

 "It's the Lord"

 "Can you help me?"

 "Yes, I can help."

 "Help me!"

 "Let go."

 Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

 "Let go. I will catch you."

 "Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"


---
 In Turkish we have an expression that goes along with this:
 "Trust in God but hitch your horse to a sound post."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 10:09:42 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Least Popular Personals Acronyms (adult themes)

LWM = "live with Mom"
("SM, financially independent -- because I LWM")

BTD = "bore {you} to death"
("SF, enjoy long walks on beach, and the chance to BTD about my old
  boyfriend")

PEM = "pathetic excuse for a man"
("You've tried the best and the rest, now try this PEM")

MMP = "married male predator"
("MMP ISO gullible woman to string along until the sex dries up.")

TSZ = "twelve-step zealot"
("SM, enjoy endlessly obsessing about my twelve-step program")

CHF = "collect Hummel figures"
("SF, 49, no contact with the outside world except shopping trips to CHF")

IPH = "impossibly poofy hair"
("SF, 21 ISO SM 18-45 who enjoys The Mall and my IPH")

ACS = "Active Canker Sores"
("SM, with AKC ISO SF without same")

PDP = "Pants Dropping President"
("PDP seeks big-haired minimum wage receptionist to show distinguishing
  characterisitcs of member...")


http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 13:49:07 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: The True Story of the Three Little Pigs

     Everybody knows the story of the three little pigs.  Or at least they
THINK they do!  I'll let you in on a little secret. Nobody knows the real
story, because nobody has ever heard MY side of the story!

 I'm the wolf. Alexander T. Wolf.  You can call me Al.  I don't know how this
whole Big Bad Wolf thing got started, but it's all wrong.  Maybe it's because
of our diet. Hey, it's not my fault wolves eat cute little animals like
bunnies and sheep and pigs.  That's just the way we are.  If cheeseburgers
were cute, folks would probably think you were Big and Bad too!

 But like I was saying, the whole Big Bad Wolf thing is all wrong.  The real
story is about a sneeze and a cup of sugar. Way back in Once Upon a Time time,
I was making a birthday cake for my dear old granny.  I had a terrible
sneezing cold.  I ran out of sugar.  So I walked down the street to ask my
neighbor for a cup of sugar.  Now this neighbor was a pig.  And he wasn't too
bright either.  He had built his whole house out of straw.  Can you believe
it?  I mean who is his right mind would build a house of straw?

 So, of course, the minute I knocked on the door it fell right in.  I didn't
want to just walk into someone else's house, so I called, "Little Pig, Little
Pig, are you in?" No answer.  I was just about to go home without the cup of
sugar for my dear old granny's birthday cake.

 That's when my nose started to itch.  I felt a sneeze coming on.  Well, I
huffed. And I snuffed. And I sneezed a great sneeze. And do you know what?
That whole darn straw house fell down!! And right in the middle of the pile of
straw was the First Little Pig - dead as a doornail.  He had been home the
whole time.

 It seemed like a shame to leave a perfectly good ham dinner lying there in
the straw.  So I ate it up.  Think of it as a big cheeseburger just lying
there.

 I was feeling a little better.  But I still didn't have my cup of sugar.  So,
I went to the next neighbors' house.  This neighbor was the First Little Pig's
brother.  He was a little smarter, but not by much.  He had built his house of
sticks.

 I rang the bell on the stick house.  Nobody answered.  I called, "Mr. Pig,
Mr. Pig, are you in?"  He yelled back, "Go away Wolf. You can't come in.  I'm
shaving the hairs on my chinny chin chin."  I had just grabbed the doorknob
when I felt another sneeze coming on.  I huffed.  And I snuffed. And I tried
to cover my mouth, but I sneezed a great sneeze.

 And you are not going to believe it, but this guy's house fell down just like
his brother's.  When the dust cleared, there was the Second Little Pig - dead
as a doornail.  Wolf's honour.

 Now you know food will spoil if you leave it out in the open.  So I did the
only thing to do.  I had dinner again.  Think of it as a second helping.

 I was getting awfully full.  But my cold was feeling a little better, and I
still didn't have that cup of sugar for my dear old granny's cake.  So, I went
to the next house.

 This guy was the First and Second Little Pig's brother.  He must have been
the brains of the family. He had built his house of bricks.

 I knocked on the brick house.  No answer.  I called, "Mr. Pig, Mr. Pig, are
you in?"  And do you know what that rude little porker answered?  "Get out of
here, Wolf. Don't bother me again."

 Talk about impolite!  He probably had a whole sackful of sugar. And he
wouldn't give me even one little cup for my dear sweet old granny's birthday
cake.  What a pig!

 I was just about to go home and maybe make a nice birthday card instead of a
cake, when I felt my cold coming on.  I huffed.  And I snuffed.  And I sneezed
once again.  Then the Third Little Pig yelled, "And your old granny can sit on
a pin!"

 Now I am usually a pretty calm fellow.   But when somebody talks about my
granny like that, I go a little crazy.

 When the cops drive up, of course I was trying to break down this Pig's door.
And the whole time I was huffing and puffing and sneezing and making a real
scene.

 The news reporters found out about the two pigs I had for dinner.  They
figured a sick guy going to borrow a cup of sugar didn't sound very exciting,
so they jazzed up the story with all that "Huff and puff and blow your house
down" and they made me the Big Bad Wolf.

 That's it.  The real story.  I was framed.

Story by A. Wolf (as coached by Johnny Cochran...aka... OJ's Lawyer)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 15:07:50 EST
From:    Chris Shipp <CCRShipp@AOL.COM>
Subject: Pipe specifications (clean,
         hopefully offensive to specification-writers)

I saw this a few years ago, sorry I can't remember who to credit for it...

PIPE SPECIFICATIONS

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of
different length than the pipe.

3. The inside diameter of the pipe must not exceed the outside diameter -
otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole; water, steam or other
stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied
at the job site.  (Update: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted
pipe.  If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save
a lot of time on the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153 m) long should have the words 'long pipe' painted
on each end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words 'long pipe'
painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" in diameter must have the words 'large pipe' painted on it
so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipes.  Flanges must have holes for bolts, and
these holes must be quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90-degree, 45-degree or 30-degree elbows, be sure to specify
left hand or right hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe.  If
you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do
not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed onto one
pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.


* It is easier to be gigantic than to be beautiful.
                                   - Nietzsche

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 15:54:44 -0500
From:    Barry Johnson <barryj@TECHNOLOGIST.COM>
Subject: Actual English Subtitles (a little swearing)

These are actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong

- I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
- Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep
- Gun wounds again?
- Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
- A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries
- Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
- Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants
- Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
- Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
- You always use violence.  I should 've ordered glutinous rice chicken
- I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
- You daring lousy guy.
- Beat him out of recognizable shape!
- I have been scared shitless too much lately.
- I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hair!
- Beware!  Your bones are going to be disconnected
- The bullets inside are very hot.  Why do I feel so cold?
- How can you use my intestines as a gift?
- This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum.  I am sure you
  will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the
  dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
- Yah-hah, evil spider woman!  I have captured you by the short rabbits and
  can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
  extermination.
- Greetings, large black person.  Let us not forget to form a team up
  together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets
  on some ass of the giant lizard person.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pier/5132

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 18:07:56 -0500
From:    Muad'Dib <usul@THEPOINT.NET>
Subject: Are You a Republican or a Democrat? <clean>

Are you a Democrat or Republican?
1)  What is your personal income level?  Is it:
    - Too much!
    - Not enough money, but any more would make me evil.
    - Whatever the government lets me keep.
    - Money is a tool of the capitalistic overclass which etc, etc, etc.
    - I have no income. I've rejected money and illegally inhabit a
      national park.
2) Describe your family:
    - I'm married with three kids.  Oh, and a live-in transsexual who
      joins us in our orgies.
    - The rules of the commune prohibit disclosing personal information.
    - I don't believe in families.
    - I don't believe in the word "describe."
3) What is the most politically incorrect thing about Scooby Doo?
    - Daphne never does anything but stand around and look pretty.
    - Scooby was never referred to as a Canine-American.
    - Velma is such a lesbian stereotype.
    - Shaggy never shares his marijuana.
    - "Scooby Snack" reward system encourages mass consumption.
    - Criminals are actually put in prison.
4) There's this weird drunk hanging out in front of your home. Do you
    - Give him two bucks and think highly of yourself.
    - Direct him to a government agency that will help him.
    - Start a government agency that will help him.
    - Respect his personal choice.
    - Give Senator Kennedy a ride home.
5) I'm against school vouchers because...
    - Bad teachers need jobs too!
    - The NEA is against it, and a labor union certainly wouldn't do
      anything in its own interest.
    - A monopoly always yields better results than competition.
6) Bill Clinton's Welfare Reform Policy is:
    - A document with "GOP" scribbled out & "Bill Clinton's" written in
      with a fat purple magic marker.
    - "It's a trap that discourages work & rewards illegitimacy, and
      we're keeping it."
    - What would you like it to be?
7)  Bill Clinton's Official Drug Policy is:
    - Whatever the Republicans are currently working on.
    - A new poster: "Don't Be A Shaggy; Share Your Drugs!"
    - White House aides using drugs won't be allowed to work unless
      they're Democrats.
    - "Just say no to inhaling!"
    - What would you like it to be?
8) Why do you admire Hillary Clinton?
    - Anyone who can make $100K without knowing cattle futures deserves
      admiring.
    - The only dead people I can conjure up are Paul Lynde and Redd Foxx.
    - If only I could lie so convincingly!
    - Hey! She puts up with Bill! Give her some credit.
    - We need more strong, intelligent women in prison.
9) What would Bill Clinton have to do for you to not vote for him?
    - Develop a big ugly eyestalk in the middle of his forehead.
    - Appear in a remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo."
    - Claim to be "more famous than JFK!"
    - Wear a T-shirt showing a bullet-riddled Snoopy.
    - Annex the Sudetenland and kill six million Jews.
    - Join the Republican party.
10)  If Bill and Hillary discovered _________ in Chelsea's room, they would
     disown her. ONLY ONE ANSWER IS CORRECT.
    - Condoms.
    - Marijuana.
    - Cocaine.
    - A videotape with a note: "It was fun!  Here's a copy--Rob Lowe"
    - An antique German lampshade with a registration tattoo on it.
    - "The Way Things Oughta Be" by Rush Limbaugh.
11)  Al Gore's dynamic speech pattern makes him an excellent choice for the
     position of:
    - Senator.
    - Vice President.
    - President.
    - Environmental spokesman.
    - TalkieToy Robot recorded voice.
    - Kindergarten teacher.
12)  Bill Clinton strongly believes in
    - Bill Clinton.
    - Bill Clinton.
    - Bill Clinton.
13) There is a logical, believable way that missing Whitewater documents
    showed up in the White House reading room that adjoins Hillary's office
    after the administration claimed to have handed over all relevant
    documents:
    - They were being used to line Sock's box.
    - Time-travelling KGB spies plotting to avenge the fall of communism.
    - They had been blank sheets of paper until Bill spilled lemon juice
      on them.
    - That rascally David Copperfield again!
    - Hillary had them.

SCORING:  None. IF you realized this was humor, you're a Republican.
          IF you had difficulty picking the best answer because they
          were all so true, you're a Democrat.

http://www.thepoint.net/~usul

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 20:22:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - More Warning Labels

From: Karl L. Wuensch

    A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer
began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual
noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions.  News commentators
explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the
additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not
attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."
    This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were
saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a US citizen who was injured
stopping the chainsaw with his hand.  He was unable to collect, since the
manual specifically warned against it.
    Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing
anything that stupid.

I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label
on them stating: WARNING:  This product not intended for use by stupid people.
Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up
on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
                                    -Raymond Mortimer

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Feb 1998 09:53:42 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Court Room

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor
traffic summons.  He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after
endless hour for his case to be heard.  When his name was called late in the
afternoon,
he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the
next day and he would have to return the next day.  What for?" he snapped at
the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared "Twenty
dollars contempt of court.  That's why!"  Then, noticing the man checking his
wallet, the judge relented.  "That's all right.  You don't have to pay now"
Replied the young man, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Feb 1998 to 16 Feb 1998
************************************************

