HUMOR Digest - 14 Feb 1998 to 15 Feb 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 289 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Plan: Joke Rated (Objectionable Language)
  2. Guys, How Chic a Dater are You ?
  3. Marriage counselling <inoff>
  4. Computer Nerds
  5. Zipper!! (Adult)
  6. Excerpts from News of the Weird

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Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 23:45:13 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Plan: Joke Rated (Objectionable Language)

In the beginning there was a plan. Then came the assumptions. The plan
was without substance. The assumptions were without form. Darkness was
upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit and it
stinketh!"

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said: "It is a pail of
dung and none may abide the odour thereof!"

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying: "It is a container
of excrement and it is very strong, Such that none may abide by it!"

And the Managers went unto the Management Committee saying: "It is a
vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength!"

And the Management Committee spoke amongst itself saying unto one
another: "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very
strong!"

And the Management Committee gave counsel unto the Vice Presidents
saying unto them: "It promotes growth and it is very powerful!"

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him: "This
new plan will activily promote the growth and vigour of the company with
powerful effects!"

And the President looked upon the plan and saw that it was good. And so
the plan became policy.

And that's how shit happens.

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Date:    Sat, 14 Feb 1998 03:36:45 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Guys, How Chic a Dater are You ?

1) When you ask a girl for a date, do you invite her for:
        a) dinner and a movie/show
        b) lunch and a bike ride/jog/hike
        c) milk, cookies and a puzzle
        d) toaster crumbs and a joke

2) Transportation
        a) Sports Car
        b) 4-Wheel drive vehicle
        c) motorcycle
        d) roller blades

3) Appearance: Clothing
        a) latest fashion appropriate for the event
        b) casual/sports clothes
        c) torn cut-off jeans and a T-Shirt
        d) pajamas

4) Appearance: Hair
        a) styled professionally
        b) short athletic style
        c) bald
        d) Dennis Rodman orange/yellow/blue

5) Ice Breaker Conversation:
        a) women's issues
        b) current events
        c) sports
        d) porn movies

Scoring: 3 points for each "a"     2 points for each "b"
         1  point for each "c"    -3 points for each "d"
         10 to 15   The girl will probably agree to a second date
          5 to  9   You may be better than watching TV alone
          0 to  4   She'll be "busy" the next time you call
        -10 to -1   Her phone number's now an unlisted number
        -11 plus    She's relocated to another state


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 14 Feb 1998 06:01:43 EST
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Marriage counselling <inoff>

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man
and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try
counseling.  They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that
this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the
counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.  "What seems to
be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without
anything to say.  On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour
describing all the wrongs within their marriage.  After 5 - - 10 - - 15
minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her
up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there -  speechless.  He looked over at
the  husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.  The counselor
spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays
and Thursdays."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Feb 1998 09:39:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Computer Nerds

>Sent From: Earl Adams

You Might Be A Computer Nerd If...
   by Charles W. Plemons III (Nosferatu@PremierNet.Net)

 1.Your web page is more popular than you.
 2.Your favorite sport is Tetris.
 3.You know what fuzzy logic is.
 4.You talk to your computer.
 5.When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper instead of Playboy.
 6.You argue with your computer.
 7.Your computer has its own phone line.
 8.You have dreams involving your computer.
 9.You try to pick up women on chat lines.
10.You can talk to a woman about your hardware and not mean anything
   sexual.
11.You spend Friday nights with your computer.
12.You ask a woman for her email address instead of her phone number.
13.You've never actually met many of your friends.
14.You remember how to use DOS.
15.You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."
16.Only computer users can understand you.
17.Your home page is longer than your resume.
18.You've ever installed Linux.
19.You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer.
20.You always understand Dilbert.
21.You regularly drink Jolt cola.
22.You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.
23.You have multiple email addresses.
24.You've ever setup a LAN in your house.
25.You understood the above statement.
26.You search the Internet for computer humor.
27.Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.
28.You keep spare mouse pads.
29.You buy your computer gifts.
30.You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer.
31.Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol".
32.You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks
   for.
33.You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately
   remove the case.
34.You have ever called home to check on your computer.
35.You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster,
   but because it just confuses people.
36.You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel Inside" logo.
37.You have a pet name for your computer, but not one for your penis.
38.You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because you've
   been convicted on all of them.
39.You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead;
   in the same house.
40.You check your email before you check your answering machine.
41.You can program the next best thing to Windows, but you still can't
   get your VCR to stop flashing.
42.You have more insurance on your computer than on your children.
43.You receive more chat requests than phone calls.
44.You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept knocking you
   off-line.
45.You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when you hear of a new
   computer virus.
46.You've ever emailed your assignment in to your professor.
47.You've ever tried to see how far you can move the mouse without
   turning off the screen saver.
48.You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.
49.You call in sick to work over your computer.
50.Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.
51.You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP each stand for.
52.You tinker with computers at work all day, and when you finally get
   off work, you rush home to tinker  with your computer.
53.You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress in hopes that
   she will see it and desire to meet you.
54.You have more than one home page.
55.The closest you ever come to having sex is downloading nude pictures
   off of the Internet.
56.You have a better computer system at home than at work.
57.You get jealous when other people use your computer.
58.You run back into your burning home to rescue your computer, but you
   leave the dog.
59.You know exactly how much hard drive space you have free, but you
   don't know your spouse's birthday.
60.You run Windows 95 and Windows 3.1 just because you can.
61.You have the high score on Jezz Ball.
62.You know what word 31337 stands for.
63.You keep spare computer parts around the house.


---
Vaccum: a large, empty space where the Pope lives.

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Date:    Sat, 14 Feb 1998 23:45:40 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Zipper!! (Adult)

A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she
can't step up.  She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and
tries again.   Skirt's still too tight.  She reaches behind her and
lowers the zipper some more.  She still can't get on and lowers the
zipper a third time.

Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto
the bus.  She spins around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not
know you well enough for you to do that!!"

The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip
my fly three times either!"

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Date:    Sun, 15 Feb 1998 01:05:15 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Excerpts from News of the Weird

* Michael Guilbault, 19, pleaded guilty in December to robbing a
Raleigh, N.C., convenience store two months earlier. According to
the prosecutor, a delayed getaway helped police make the capture.
Guilbault and his accomplice were to meet their friends Heather
Beckwith, 18, and Curtis Johnson, 19, back at the getaway car
nearby, but when the robbers arrived, they found the doors locked
and the couple inside "in the act," as the prosecutor put it.
Guilbault and his colleague were forced to wait until the couple
had finished before they could get in the car, but by that time
witnesses had noticed the two men pacing and yelling at the
couple.

* According to interviews conducted by the Pittsburgh Post-
Gazette, the last deathbed utterance of tavern owner Anthony J.
Golembiewski, 83, in August was "one, six, nine, five." Family
members were puzzled, but one decided to buy a lottery ticket with
the numbers. The ticket won $23,500. Said Golembiewski's
widow, "Andy, you son of a bitch, you even paid for your own
funeral."

* New Zealand researcher Ingrid Visser's two-year study of killer
whales, released in October in New Scientist magazine, revealed
that orcas eat stingrays but only after tossing them around among
themselves, frisbee-like, apparently so they can position them in
such a way as to avoid the stingers when they bite down. She said
she once witnessed two whales binge on 18 stingrays in a six-hour
period.

And to close the circle with our lead story...

* At the Santiago, Chile, zoo in September, it took four hours'
work with a crane to lift Protea, 9, a three-ton female elephant, out
of a moat following a mating accident caused by a frisky but
incompetent male named Jumbo, 10.

(Copyright 1998 by Universal Press Syndicate.)

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Feb 1998 to 15 Feb 1998
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