HUMOR Digest - 13 Feb 1998 to 14 Feb 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 936 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Olympic Metalist
  2. Happy Valentine's Day
  3. Divine Press Release (slightly blasphemous)
  4. Quotable Quotes
  5. The final exam
  6. Humor - Wacky Labels
  7. Light Bulb Astrology
  8. Life University
  9. New Darwin Award Candidates
 10. Deep Thoughts (clean)
 11. Embarrassed Secretary (off to blonds)
 12. NRA Prayer <not off.)
 13. a groaner
 14. Virus Warning
 15. Cynical observation and questions about current events

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 23:58:52 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Olympic Metalist

Peek-A-Boo Street, the Olympic Gold Medalist in Skiing, has made quite a
name for herself since her initial assault for the Gold in Lillehammer.
Thru endoresments and other perks, she has amassed a tidy sum for a
young lady. In her quest for sharing her good fortune with people in her
community, and, because she had spent so much time in the local hospital
with multiple suguries for knee injuries, she donated a sizable amount
of money to said hospital to be used at their discretion. In need of
better facilities in their Intensive Care Unit, the hospital put her
money in a new area now known as the Peek-A-Boo I. C. U.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 03:20:44 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy Valentine's Day

  February 14 is Valentine's Day in the US, and a few other
countries.  It is loosely based on the Roman lover's festival
of Lupercalia.  Most people don't know there were actually two
Saint Valentines.  One was a priest in Rome, another a Bishop
in Interamna.  Strangely enuff, both were beheaded.  In their
honor, people everywhere have since been losing their heads on
Valentine's Day.

  And as if two headless clerics weren't enuff to inspire tons
of romance and passion, we throw in this lil' nude cherub named
Cupid (Eros to you Greeks) who flies about shooting people in
the heart with arrows.  I assume that's why red is the primary
color of the day -- all that internal bleeding and all.

  Cupid was the Roman God of Love who stayed with his wife, the
Princess Psyche, only at night.  Actually, that's not a bad deal
at all if you can swing it guys.

   People in England celebrated the holiday beginning in 1446.
They would write their names on slips of paper and draw from a
vase for a partner.  And here we in the US thought we invented
wife swapping in the 1960's.

   In the 1700's, the custom of pinning these slips of paper to
one's sleeve became popular, where it was worn for several days
after.  Romantics would have you believe that this is where the
expression "He wears his heart on his sleeve" comes from, when
actually, this was an early attempt to pinpoint and follow-up
on any sexually transmitted diseases.

   During the 1800's in the US, the custom of exchanging cards
adorned with sea shells and seaweed became popular.  I guess if
you're gonna drown in a sea of sentimentality, you might as well
have the appropriate accouterments.

   So there ya have it y'all.  May the Headless Horseman bless...
No wait -- wrong headless guy...  that's Halloween...  never mind.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 08:49:16 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Divine Press Release (slightly blasphemous)

 Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old
woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to  God's "only
son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

 Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was
"thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God
issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and
that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

 Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether
any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally
funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign
operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to
several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

 Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the
charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had
created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land
deal.

 In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away
from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in
Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for
political contributions.

 If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
 provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 07:53:09 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Quotable Quotes

			    From Groucho Marx:

 - Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's
   you.

 - I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

 - I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

 - She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
			============================

			    From Ashleigh Brilliant:

 - I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

 - I will always love the false image I had of you.

 - Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

 - We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
			============================

			    From Fred Allen:

 - He's so small he's a waste of skin.

 - He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in
   both eyes.

 - What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
			============================

			    From Oscar Wilde:

 - He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

 - I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.

 - Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
			============================

			    Assorted:

 He has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
 - - -David Letterman

 He's completely unspoiled by failure.
 - - -Noel Coward

 He's liked, but he's not well-liked.
 - - -Arthur Miller

 He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.
 - - -Ayn Rand

 He had delusions of adequacy.
 - - -Walter Kerr

 He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
 - - -Ellen Glasgow

 He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
 - - -Raymond Chandler

 He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
 - - -Forrest Tucker

 He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
 - - -William Faulkner

 Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
 in a yak.
 - - -Woody Allen

 His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
 - - -Robin Williams

 His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
 - - -Mae West

 In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
 - - -Ellen Glascow

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 06:04:00 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: The final exam

One year there were these two guys majoring in Chemistry and who did
very well on all of the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., such that
going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so
confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even
though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Montreal
and party with some friends.

So they did. And they had a GREAT time! However, with their hangovers,
they overslept and didn't make it back to campus until early Monday
morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find
the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They told him that they went up to Montreal for the weekend, and had
planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on
the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long
time and ,therefore, were late getting back to campus. The professor
thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on
the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the scheduled
time. The professor placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. Each student looked at the
first problem, which was something simple about molarity and the
solution was worth 5 points. "Cool", they thought, "this is going to be
easy." They finished that problem and went on to the next. As they
turned the page, they were unprepared, however, for what they saw. It
said:

(95 points) Which tire?

http://www.rcjokelist.com

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 10:47:48 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Wacky Labels

         Watchdog group announces ``wackiest warning label''

 BOSTON (AP) - ``Pepper spray may irritate your eyes.''

 Sound like common sense? It actually appears on a warning label for a
 can of the self-defense substance, along with the advice: ``You also
 should avoid accidental contact with your eyes or mucous membranes.''

 A state watchdog group has crowned the cautionary note the winner of
 its ``Wacky Warning Label Contest.''

 The Massachusetts Civil Justice Reform Alliance held the contest to
 highlight what it says are the outrageous lengths to which businesses
 must go to protect themselves from frivolous lawsuits.

 ``Businesses are forced to warn consumers against doing the most
 outlandish things with their products these days, or face the potential of
 a lawsuit,'' said the organization's executive director, David Wescott.

 Other products whose labels won honorable mention in the contest: an air
 conditioner (``Do not drop out of window''), a cigarette lighter (``Do not
 ignite in face''), and a drain clog remover (``Do not reuse container for
 storing beverages'').

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 08:58:50 -0800
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Light Bulb Astrology

 How Many Members of Your Sign Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

ARIES:
  Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
  One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out
  bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
  Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing
  about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
  Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
  through the grief process.

LEO:
  Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will
  get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
  Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
  Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two.
  Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
  That information is strictly secret and shared only with the
  Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchial Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
  The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead
  of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
  I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
  Well, you have to remember that everything is energy,  so...

PISCES:
  Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 13:34:55 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Life University

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many
of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in
just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA
degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule

MEN 101         Combating Stupidity
MEN 102         You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103         PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104         We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule

MEN 110       Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111       Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4AM
MEN 112       Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100        Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A       What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

MEN 120        How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121         Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122         YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123        Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B       What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule

SEX 101         You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102         Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201         How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202         How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE        (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

MEN 210         The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211         How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212         You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213         Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise -
MEN 230A        Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

MEN 220         Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary
MEN 221         Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222         Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223         Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B        Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important

Course Electives

EAT 101         Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102         Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103         Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 232         Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233         Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C       Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 14:41:38 -0700
From:    Beth Stoker <beth_stoker@QMAIL.BBMBC.ORG>
Subject: New Darwin Award Candidates

The Darwin Award is made each year to the person who has managed to kill
themselves (and therefore prevent the survival of their genes -hence
Darwin!) in the most bizarre way imaginable. Previous winners have
included the man killed when the vending machine he was trying to
extract a can of Coke from fell on him, and last years aviator who
strapped a JATO module to his car and lit the blue touchpaper.

* NOMINATIONS *

#1 - [AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was
pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his
friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid
some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers,
said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed
into a tower. It has since been learned that the tower he hit was the
one with its pad removed.

#2 - [AP,St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out
without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, Where it
had choked him to death.

#3 - [UPI, Spain] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing
above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell
on him.

#4 - [Associated Press,Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an
aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne
said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set
it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth and
his tongue out and his lips,off!" Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to
a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine
anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

#5 - [UPI,Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said
Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is
lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony
Roberts,25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a
men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A
friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the
left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died
instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital
in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain (There
was brain material?), with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull,
yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said
had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have
killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No
charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's
office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

#6 - [AP, Arkansas] A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to
visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to
a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her
head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again
saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.
The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said
"Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am
holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the
store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break
into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found
that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in
the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in
the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then
attempted to hold her brains in!

#7 - From a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan,
USA. A guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+
monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the
lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns,
the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the
lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In
order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering
duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more
effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee
comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two
Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they
place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they
are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of
slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go
up in smoke with the resulting blast.
So, they decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab
used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed
it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and
captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the
time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs
the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot,
hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog,
still standing, becomes really confused & of course
scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He
takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the
stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and
Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very
large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known
Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look
on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the
first of those $400+ a month payments.

			## AND THE WINNER!!!!!##

John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the
Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among
them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided
that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and
sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to
the fence and the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop
over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John,
there was a 30 foot drop on the o ther side of the fence. Having heaved
himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was
abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a
group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall,
John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to
free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into
Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being
without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch
penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife
proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw
him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to
the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his
drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas,
and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was
thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries & also died at
the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown
100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man,
with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh,
& a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 15:17:20 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Deep Thoughts (clean)

 From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were
 asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."


 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
 I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
 clothes on the last day of their life?
        --Age 15

 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
 like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of
 people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
 the long weekends.
        --Age 8

 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
 any old yokel vote.
        --Age 10

 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
        --Age 13

 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
 the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
 what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
        --Age 6

 My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
 get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
 should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn
 eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.
        --Age 10

 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
 which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I  imagine they
 appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
 right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
 Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,
 and I show him a copy of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle that we
 have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
 table.  I get a box of  kitchen matches and strike one.  They gasp with
 wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
        --Age 15

 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have
 lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
        --Age 5

 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
 a lawn mower.
        --Age 11

 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
 the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of
 water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
 population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
 Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
        --Age 13

 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
 Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
 his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
        --Age 14

 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
 minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
 saved up.
        --Age 7

 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
 is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
        --Age 15

 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
 No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
 would be right there.
        --Age 5

 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
 Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"  or "Isn't it
 morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
        --Age 15

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Feb 1998 02:53:12 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Embarrassed Secretary (off to blonds)

A rather well proportioned blond secretary, Joan, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing
suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying
on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
 "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.
 "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 20:19:53 -0500
From:    Barry Johnson <barryj@TECHNOLOGIST.COM>
Subject: NRA Prayer <not off.)

Pro-Gun Mantra:
        O Lord, grant me the serenity to accept
        those things I cannot change,
        the strength to change the things I can,
        and the firepower to make the difference . . .


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pier/5132

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 19:04:58 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: a groaner

 A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
 hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit,
 and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
 afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
 dismayed to find  that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking
 quickly, he threw together a  daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set
 it on the bar. The doctor came  in at his regular time, took one sip
 of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No,
 I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 20:11:52 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Virus Warning

Thanks to Mr. Randall for permission to post this [over 99 lines].

******************************************************************
       WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
       Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
******************************************************************

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet
Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by
a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless
story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their
browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people
believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes,
email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets
based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise
normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a
stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become
infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the
Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one
weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my
friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good
Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of
other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true."
It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees
Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now,
however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you
read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus,
which include the following:

     The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
     The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
     A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story
         is true.

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I
read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your
hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the
Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would
not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.  Experts
recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to
their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to
thoughtless credence.  Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been
widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online
help from many sources, including

     Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
       http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html

     Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
       http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

     McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
       http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html

     Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
       http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html

     The Urban Legends Web Site at
       http://www.urbanlegends.com

     Urban Legends Reference Pages at
       http://www.snopes.com

     Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
       http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating
sources, such as

     Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
       http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm

     Evaluation of Information Sources at
       http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm

     Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
       http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards
them a hoax.

			******************************
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously!  Forward it to
all your friends right away!  Don't think about it!  This is not a chain
letter!  This story is true!  Don't check it out!  This story is so
timely, there is no date on it!  This story is so important, we're using
lots of
exclamation points!  Lots!!  For every message you forward to some
unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten
cents to itself.  (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding
these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
			******************************

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 23:30:11 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Cynical observation and questions about current events

The odds on the street against the NCAA anti-gambling program
succeeding are 5-to-1.

Character does count, and Bill Clinton is a character.

Isn't it amazing that the ugly figure skaters never seem to appear on
television.

If I were one of the Spice Girls, they would probably call me "Old
Spice."

My brother-in-law is so dumb that if brains were taxed, he'd get a
rebate.

I'm not eating beef anymore but it's not because of what Oprah said
on her show. It is because of the way she is being treated by the
beef industry.

Procrastinators are people who won't take now for an answer.

We should name the national debt after Reagan instead of National
Airport.

A new job for Kenneth Starr, one better suited to his personality and
mentality, would be a talent scout for the "Jerry Springer Show."

Boy, I wish I could sleep like I can when I don't want to sleep.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Feb 1998 to 14 Feb 1998
************************************************

