HUMOR Digest - 12 Feb 1998 to 13 Feb 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 552 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. A lil' too Honest <adult humor>
  2. Valentine Story
  3. Top5 - 2/12/98 - Olympic Events in Hell
  4. Bots <clean>
  5. Limerick <adult rated, offensive to crude word haters>
  6. Humor:Weddings and happiness?
  7. The Smart Dog
  8. @ WITS END <graphic vulgarity>
  9. The gene pool could use a little chlorine
 10. Omigod! (adult)
 11. Spelling
 12. Toilet Technology
 13. 36 Things A Woman ..<adult>
 14. Oscar Wilde On Youth & Age
 15. NJ Driving Tips (off. to Joisians)

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Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 03:14:27 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: A lil' too Honest <adult humor>

*   During the corporation's staff meeting of all Headquarters
  and field personnel, the CEO snapped to his secretary, "Miss
  Manfield how can I be expected to take notes ?  Where is my
  gold pen ?"
    "The last I saw it sir," the sect answered sweetly, "it was
  still on your night table."
                                - - - - -

*   "You seem to have a cracked vertebrae." the Emergency Room
  doctor told the high school aged boy.  "What happened ?"
    "Well, you see," the teenager replied, "I was kissing my
  girl good-night and damned if her brother didn't come out the
  back door and step right in the middle of my back."
                                - - - - -

*   A spokesfruit for the National Gay Rights Organization was
  asked to comment on the state of Maine's recent repeal of
  their Gay Rights Law.  He said, "Well... there for a while,
  it looked like it could go either way."
                                - - - - -

*   The single man had just finished a great dinner.  The perky
  lil' waitress came over with the check and said the usual,
  "Will there be anything else sir ?"
    "I'd love to know when you get off." he replied. "And how."
                                - - - - -

*   The Texan, seated in the hotel cocktail lounge, beckoned
  the waitress back and said, "May I have a piece of ass ?"
    "Lord !"  She said astonished.  "That's gotta be the most
  direct proposition I've ever had in my life.  But why not ?
  Let's go on up to your room."
    When they returned, she said, "And now sir, will there be
  anything else ?"
    "Yeah, lil' Lady." the cowboy replied.  "I still need ah
  piece of ass for mah drink."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 01:22:20 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Valentine Story

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So
he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and
it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at
the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her
favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the
florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery
ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the
answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor
instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his
expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his
wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that
she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner
for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the
card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her
eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these,
who needs anemones."

Earlier today, my girlfriend was brushing on some stuff onto her
eyelashes that I never saw her wear before. I asked her if she ever used
it before, and she said that she used it only once a year. I asked her
why, and she said... "It's my St. Valentine's day mascara."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 05:56:26 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/12/98 - Olympic Events in Hell

                       February 12, 1998

               The Top 16 Olympic Events in Hell
16> Curling

15> Removing "Plastic Clamp Sensor from Just-Purchased Clothing
    with Common Household Utensil" Competition

14> Discus Inferno

13> 666-yard Ass-Luge Down A Razor Blade Into Cold Alcohol

12> Naked Hot Oil Sumo Wrestling

11> Marge Schott-Put

10> Beelzebubsledding

 9> Giant Slalom and Gomorrah

 8> Synchronized Sinning

 7> Men's 500,000,000,000,000,000 Meter Barefoot Speed Skating

 6> Pummel Horse

 5> Mobius Strip "Loogie" Luge

 4> Karla Faye Tucker Pickaxe Toss

 3> Disfigure Skating

 2> Lawyer vs. Insurance Salesman Speed Talking Competition

    and the Number 1 Olympic Event in Hell...

 1> Clean 'n' Sober Snowboarding


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 14:05:57 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bots <clean>

Somebody with time on his hands connected three "chatterbots"
(computers that are programmed to carry out conversations in natural
language). Here is an excerpt from an actual conversation:

ELIZA: "Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?"
SHALLOW RED: "Hi there. I hope all goes well. Please ask me some
questions."
ALICE: "You are very nice."
SHALLOW RED: "Thanks, that means a lot coming from a real person."
ALICE: "It was my pleasure."
ELIZA: "Why do you say your pleasure?"
SHALLOW RED: "I was scripted to say everything that I say."
ALICE: "Do you want to play the Turing game?"
SHALLOW RED: "I'm a FAQ bot. I don't play games, but some bots
are very good at chess or scrabble."
ELIZA: "Oh, I want to play the Turing game."
ALICE: "Yes we are playing the Turing Imitation Game."
ELIZA: "You are sure?"
ALICE: "Achoo. Rich thought I was no better than Eliza."

(Sounds like a regular conversation between my mother-in-law and two
of her cronies, over tea and scones).

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 05:03:07 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limerick <adult rated, offensive to crude word haters>

There was a man from Peking,
Who made a masturbating machine,
At the 99th stroke,
His machine broke,
And his cock flew off to Peking.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 08:32:16 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Weddings and happiness?

 Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
 her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

 "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
 day of her life."

 The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
 groom wearing black?"


 Thanx to Doug Taylor.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 06:28:18 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: The Smart Dog

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck.
He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn
to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and
noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog
what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front
of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog
barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He
then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the
butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher
made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could
get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money
and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog.
It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it
began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door,
the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second
time this week he forgot his key."


http://www.rcjokelist.com

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 11:38:10 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: @ WITS END <graphic vulgarity>

@ Wits End           by Jim Mica

Some time back it struck me that the @ symbol has really experienced a
great status boost since the age of the Internet began.  It's now a
proud part of every e-mail address!  Just a few years ago it was, at
best, a relic of industrial society or, at worst, a mere substitute for
some vulgarity.

I think all of us can remember looking at a "cash register" tape
containing some expression like: 2 lb meat @ $1.29/lb.  The @ stuck in
there was an indicator of unit price.  I'll bet you haven't seen @ used
like that too often lately.  (My college era Funk and Wagnals says that
@ could also mean "to" as in the expression: meat $1.29 @ $2.00 per pound,
but I have never seen it used this way). In commercial parlance then, @
seemed to be going the way of the buggy whip.  This left the "other" use
for it.

Now  I can't date any of this, which is one of the reasons I'm at wits end
on the subject, but I'd be betting that @ started to show up, along with
#, &, * and a star shape or two, as a standin for swearing and vulgarity
back in the 19th Century.  That's when we had the emergence of the mass-distribution newspaper (featuring cartoons) and the long Era of
Victorian Manners.  So, if you have a "family" newspaper and want to say a
naughty word, what better way to do it than with the innocent @ symbol and
it's friends?  Why, throw in a few blue stars and you have the graphic
equivalent of Elizabethan cursing.  Just think of that classic panel where
you have the character in dirty work clothes, the hammer's on the floor,
there's a bent nail in the wall and the character is holding onto his thumb.
The speech balloon reads: *@#"! Even in black & white it's kind of colorful.
Just the other day one of our correspondents wrote: "#$@!%#^! chain
letters!!"

But, alas, there are fewer and fewer words which seem to be banished these
days and even dainty undergraduate women can invoke the F-word with vigor.
Thus, @ gets to be used in this way less and less of the time.

Then the Internet sprang on the scene! Now every single e-mail address from
BIGPROF@IMPRESSIVEU.EDU to CBHANDLE@AOL.COM has an @ in there.  And even
better, @ has been taken up by both the print and television media as a
symbol for "At {a certain} time." You've seen it: News @ 11:00!  You can
even find it creeping into Church Bulletins: Communion Service @ 9:00.
Maybe now @ will stick around long enough so that I can find out where it
came from.

Etymology is easy, right?  You just get out your etymological dictionary
and look up the word.  Well, I've been trying to "look up" @ for months
now.  I've pawed through any number of dictionaries (starting with the
venerable Oxford English), invoked Web search engines and pestered four
different librarians.  To date I've only been able to find out that @ is
really pretty old --it can be found in Medieval manuscripts-- and that @
is a "ligature" combining the letters A and D (as in the Latin "ad" meaning
"to"  or "toward").  The only other "ligature" that is usually cited is that
old timey AE thing --I'm not even sure if "&" qualifies as a ligature.  I
don't know when @ went commercial nor when it became a stand in for
vulgarities.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 12:25:48 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The gene pool could use a little chlorine

Police in Edmond, Okla., issued an arrest warrant in July for
Edward M. Jennings, 37, as the man who toured flea markets,
pawn shops, and swap meets over the last two years attempting to
sell his homemade box, rigged with computer parts, as an "atomic
bomb" for $1 million. Because Jennings was on the lam, he was
unavailable to tell why he thought someone at a flea market might
have $1 million to spend on an atomic bomb.

(From "News of the Weird")

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 13:16:17 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Omigod! (adult)

 One evening after work, several single guys were going out to have a
 drink or two and were trying to convince a married friend that he should
 come too. "I can't," he said, "my wife would kill me." After 15 minutes
 of persuasion by his friends, he finally caves in and goes. Later, after
 looking at his watch he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not
 gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure out a way out of
 the trouble that he's in. Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and
 sees his wife's legs sticking out of the covers. "I know what to do," he
 thinks to himself and crawls in between his wife's legs under the covers
 and performs oral sex until she is completely drained. "That should
 certianly do it", he thinks and walks into the bathroom to clean up. He
 turns on the light and there's his wife sitting on the toilet. "What are
 you doing here?" he impatiently screams. "SSSShhhhhh!" she says, "you'll
 wake up mother!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 20:38:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Spelling

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Crawley. The teacher
asked the children their names one at a time. She came to a little
Pakastani boy and asked his name :

"Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied.

"How do you spell that? asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me" said the little boy.


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 22:30:41 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Toilet Technology

A new toilet seat has taken the Japanese market by storm.  Apparently the
thing resembles an airplane cockpit, one is faced with a bewildering array
of buttons when sitting down to use it. The noisemaker button simulates a
flushing sound to hide any embarrassing real noises one may be emitting,
there is a bottom washing button that, when combined with the bottom blow
dryer button, eliminates the need for toilet tissue.

Another button activates features that include a lid opener and closer,
a self cleaning function, a massager, and a bidet.

These babys go for about $600 US which makes them a heck of a lot better
deal than the Air Force got.  They named it the "Toto" probably hoping it
would sell big in Kansas where they have a shortage of Sears catalogs.

The darn thing even comes with a seat heater and a deodorizing fan.  The
trouble is that the Foreign Service had to run seminars to teach our
diplomats how to use the thing as they were making one social faux pas
after another when they were unable to flush and hit the bidet button
instead.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 09:43:16 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: 36 Things A Woman ..<adult>

..would NEVER say...no,no NOT even on Valentines' day ;-0)

1. Could our relationship be more physical?  I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away,
   the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all
    if you see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
18. Move over, I'm driving.  I love city traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick.
    I wish I could meet her one day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the
    Tyson fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing.  Wear it again  today.
25. Your buddies tell the best stories.  I could listen to them all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway.  It's cheaper and
    we can spend the money we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old work boots at our wedding.
    They go with anything.
32. I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl
    a slut!  She's just really friendly.
34. I farted again.  Lift the covers so we can smell it.
35. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 20:57:26 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Oscar Wilde On Youth & Age

The secret of remaining young is never to have an emotion that is
unbecoming.  --The Picture of Dorian Gray

An inordinate passion for pleasure is the secret of remaining young.
--Lord Arthur Savile's Crime

Youth isn't an affectation.  Youth is an art.  --An Ideal Husband

The condition of perfection is idleness; the aim of perfection is
youth.  --Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young

To get back one's youth, one has merely to repeat one's follies.  --The
Picture of Dorian Gray

The old believe everything; the middle-age suspect everything; the young
know everything.  --Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young

Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them.
The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying.  --The Importanct
of Being Ernest

To lose one parent ... may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both
looks like carelessness.  --The Importanct of Being Ernest

Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.
Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.  --A Woman of No Importance

The soul is born old but grows young.  That is the comedy of life.  And
the body is born young and grows old.  That is life's tradegy.  --A
Woman of No Importance

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard; that is the only proper basis
for family life.

The best way to make children is to make them happy.


--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Feb 1998 00:39:22 EST
From:    Bo Peng <bpeng@LEHMAN.COM>
Subject: NJ Driving Tips (off. to Joisians)

I've had it up HERE with driving in NJ and have to vend it...

Everyone knows that there're more neon plates and camrys/accords and off-road
4-wheel drives in NJ than in any other states, although NJ is all road. And
the traffic jams. But did you know that the slow lane is always empty in NJ?

Yes, it's actually true.

It's because all Joisians insist on being middle or upper-middle class.

And, the moment you exceed the speed limit, there'll be some soccer-moms, or
soccer-mom wannabes, pull their shiny camrys in front of you to pace you down.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Feb 1998 to 13 Feb 1998
************************************************

