HUMOR Digest - 11 Feb 1998 to 12 Feb 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 575 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. In the Beginning<off. to officials>
  2. Twists and Turns <adult humor>
  3. More Spoonerisms
  4. Top5 - 2/11/98 - Signs You're Dating a Control Freak
  5. Little Johnny <adult-ish>
  6. At the Races????
  7. Humor - Weird Business News (Part 3 of 3)
  8. Robbery increase..
  9. Nobody's perfect
 10. Sen. Bill Bradley
 11. Brickbrats: cynical questions & observations
 12. Two Fingers <mildly offensive>
 13. Ignorance Virus is now circulating the internet
 14. What's A Kiss?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 10:01:24 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: In the Beginning<off. to officials>

  This one's from Michelle.

In the Beginning....

  God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class
  action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He
  was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with
  the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

  Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly
  project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be
  creative.

  Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials
  demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
  mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light
  would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional
  permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the
  ball of fire; that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve
  energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said
  he  would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials
  replied that they were not interested in semantics.

  God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many
  seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said,
  "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl
  that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would
  require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the
  Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

  Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project
  in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review
  the application and impact statement. After that there would be a
  public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before....

  It was at this point that God created Hell....

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 03:11:18 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Twists and Turns <adult humor>

*   "The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I
  happened to see my son and the little girl next door both
  naked, examining each other's bodies."
    "Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't
  worry about something as normal as that."
    "But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't
  think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."
                                - - - - -

*   I have a possible footnote to history.  Seems to me that
  John Marshall's promiscuous mistress was actually the first
  woman to sit on the Supreme Court.
                                - - - - -

* "You have a back problem that's very common to women in your
  line of work." the physician informed the street-walker.
  "It's called 'curvature of the supine'."
                                - - - - -

* My definition of a loser is a guy who stops to try to pick
  up a lesbian who's already walking home from a date.
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the Whitehouse birthday party thrown for Bill
  Clinton by a group of interns.  As he blew out the candles,
  they all sang, "For he's a jolly good phallus."
                                - - - - -

*   So many of the rebellious young girls who flee their homes
  to live like vagrants in the city end up becoming pregnant.
    Actually, if you think about it, it's just another form of
  runaway inflation.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 01:11:07 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: More Spoonerisms

It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a
verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the
jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the
decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in
his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family's evening dinner.
The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered,
requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should
return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the
bailiff's request because, she insisted, "HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he
was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the
beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your
new beat out here in the sticks, would it? "That it is," Mike replied
grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade
ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know
that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused
Pat, ""tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there
is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that
he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in
Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even
the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep. One
day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senoriita named Esta
Gonzales. Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture.
Miguel has known from his childhood that WHEN YOU SEE ESTA, YOU SLEEP.

Nero was talking finances with his advisors. Although they were filling
the Coliseum for all their events, they were losing money. He asked his
chief financial advisors to determine the reason. After lengthy
investigation and analysis they came to a conclusion and went to see
Nero. "Have you found the cause?" he asked. " We have," he was told.
"THE LIONS ARE EATING UP ALL OF THE PROPHETS."

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know,
shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that -- and suddenly
the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me!
Please whip me!" Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity
like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an
inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and
proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic
ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she
sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The
doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "WOW! LOOKS LIKE
YOU'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF VAN AERIAL DISEASE!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 06:06:38 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/11/98 - Signs You're Dating a Control Freak

                       February 11, 1998

           Top 15 Signs You're Dating a Control Freak

15> During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly
    made bed and insists you do likewise.

14> Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.

13> The blindfold.  The cuffs.  The way she makes you yell
    "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"

12> After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you
    do it again the *right* way.

11> He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central
    Park -- *if* they let him drive.

10> Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm
    Monday night.

 9> He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should
    Just Do What I Say."

 8> "You idiot!  That's not how you send a submission to the
    Top 5 list!  Here, give me that keyboard."

 7> If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct
    one into your neck.

 6> When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming,
    "And do what, Pretty Boy?  Another AAMCO commercial?!?"

 5> Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if
    you weren't "doing it all wrong."

 4> She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart
    Show.

 3> Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.

 2> His TV remote has a PIN number.

    and the Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Control Freak...

 1> She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble
    boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be
    President someday.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 13:24:56 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Little Johnny <adult-ish>

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.  When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but
eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the
class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down.  Well, the teacher couldn't  figure
out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so
she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a
period?" "Damned if I know,"  said Johnny, "but this morning my sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and
Uncle Bob left town suddenly."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 08:56:37 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: At the Races????

 The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband
 approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK! He was a little
 dazed and asked, "What was that for?" She said, "I was cleaning out your
 pants to put them in the laundry and found a piece of paper with the name
 'Foxy Roxy' on it." He said, "Honey, you know that I went out the other
 day with the boys to the race track. I bet on a horse named 'Foxy Roxy'
 and we won a lot of money on it. She felt so bad that she fixed him his
 favorite dinner and really treated him good since she had made this
 mistake and not trusted him.

 A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK," she
 smacked him up side the head again. He said, "Ouch! What was that for???"
 She replied, "Your horse called today......."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 13:00:47 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News (Part 3 of 3)


Copied from Houston Chronicle's Business Columnist, Jim Barlow:

                         How much do I love thee?

 The Things Husbands Don't Need to be Told Award to the International Mass
Retail Association, which points out men on average spend $119 for
Valentine's Day gifts -- primarily for wives or girlfriends. Women spend
$56, and split that money between their significant other and their
children.

 Conoco recently had its "pie day," when employees were given bonuses based
upon company performance. That's not weird. Those kinds of bonuses are a
good tool for upping company profits.

 Along with their news release about Pie Day, Conoco sent to the news room
a wonderful apple and caramel pie. Sending food is a standard,
attention-getting ploy among PR people. And it allows me to talk about one
of our own weird rituals -- the two rules of newsroom gifts.

 Rule No. 1. If it's costly -- anything more expensive than, say, a coffee
mug with company logo -- it gets sent back.

 Rule No. 2. If it's edible, it goes on th counter next to fax machine and
everyone eats.

 A few Christmas seasons ago a box arrived addressed to a staffer who had
just resigned. Unless it's obviously personal mail, the successor on a beat
opens all mail sent to the predecessor. We routinely get mail from PR
people addressed to reporters who have been dead for decades.

 The box in question contained a smoked turkey. Rule 2 was invoked. The
next day staffers brought bread, condiments, pickles, etc.

 An hour after the feast, a call for the departed staffer came from the
source of the turkey. When told that person had resigned, the caller
demanded the bird back.

 We could only offer the bones.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 15:34:03 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Robbery increase..

When asked to explain an increase in area robberies, Washington police
chief John Layton replied, "The biggest factor is the inclination of
certain individuals of acquiring funds by illegal means..."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 14:19:10 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Nobody's perfect

"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
                -- Ashleigh Brilliant

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 15:22:51 -0600
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Sen. Bill Bradley

        Senator Bill Bradley of New Jersey is in a restaurant and the waiter
brings over the rolls, but no butter.
        "May I have some butter, please?"
        The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off.
        Ten minutes later, still no butter.  Bradley catches his eye.
        "May I have some butter, Please?"
        Still the vaguest of responses, and after ten more minutes, still
no butter.
        "Maybe you don't know who I am," says Bradley.  "I'm a Princeton
graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player who played
with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I'm currently a United States
senator from New Jersey, chairman of the International Debt Subcommittee
of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power
Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and
a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee."
        "Maybe you don't know who I am,"  said the waiter.  "I'm the guy
who's in charge of the butter".

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 17:21:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbrats: cynical questions & observations

Could Linda Tripp be Robin Williams in drag?

I went through hypnosis to quit somoking and lose weight and I lost $60.

Why are conservatives against conservation?

Yesterday at the tag office I talked to a gross ignoramous. That's
144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

Am I the only one who thinks Starr and Barr have gone too far?

Sure Clinton jogs, but he's still unfit.

I just got my pink slip at work. My boss said that I needed to get a
handle on the difference between feedback and back talk.

I wonder if Noah blamed El Nino for the flood.

So, the Psychic Friends Network declared bankruptcy. Gee, you would
think they'd have seen it coming.

Is Sadam going to run for re-election?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 23:37:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Two Fingers <mildly offensive>

 A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
 She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
 When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
 close to hers.  When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
 which is full and bushy.
 "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
 hands.
 "Actually, no" he replies.
 "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
 her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
 "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused.  "Is
 there anything I can do?"
 "Yes there is.  I need you to give him a message" she continues
 huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
 to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the
 ladies."


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Feb 1998 19:28:38 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Ignorance Virus is now circulating the internet

   Get this message out to as many people as you can!  There is a new virus
circulating the Internet and LAN e-mail systems that is doing damage to
practically all people who use e-mail!

   The virus is called "Ignorance" in the file IGNORANCE.COM and is sometimes
attached to e-mails, but can also be printed as code within the text of the
message itself.  By either means of transferrence, the virus automatically
downloads itself to your hard drive.
   What makes this virus worse than others is that it is a stealth virus,
meaning that it may be passed from person to person without either knowing
what has happened until the virus begins to work -- You or your friends may
have it and are passing it on to each other without knowing it!  The virus
also makes use of you computer's internal clock function, allowing the virus
to remain inactive in the receiving computer for 3-5 days after receipt,
allowing the virus to be passed on unwittingly.
   Once it is activated, the Ignorance virus has the worst effects of any
virus known to experts and novices alike.  It wipes executable (.EXE) files
off of your hard drive, leaving you with a hard drive consisting of stagnant
data.  In the data that remains, it deletes approximately half of the text or
word processed documents.  In the documents that remain, the words are
re-arranged and spelled incorrectly.  Some of the sentences in the documents
have been known to go from well-articulated thoughts to sentences containing
dangling participles or ending in prepositions!  Most external data sources
are not safe either.  Any disks within a 100 ft radius of the computer will
be destroyed.  The Ignorance virus will read the e-mail addresses in your
address book and send itself to everyone on the list.  It will access your
modem and make long distance phone calls to other computers in Singapore.
 The virus will re-arrange the items in your refrigerator, the books on your
shelf, and the clothing in your closets and drawers.  The Ignorance virus
will reset the channels on your TV, the alarm time on your clock radio, and
the stations on the radio in your car (provided it is within 300 ft of the
computer.)  The Ignorance virus will sit too close to the TV, talk to
strangers, and go running with scissors!  It will call your ex boyfriend or
girlfriend and tell them that you admitted to being wrong about everything.
 It will write letters in your name to Keanu Reeves telling him that he is
the greatest actor of all time.  The Ignorance virus will give you higher
cholesterol, horrible metabolism, and a receding hairline.  It is rumored
that the virus does not say, "Please" and "Thank you" but we find this to be
highly unlikely.
   Please do whatever you can to help "Ignorance" stay out of e-mail.  In
fact, this virus is as REAL and as DANGEROUS as ALL other e-mail viruses
circulating the Internet.  If you believed any of this at any time, pack up
your computer in its original boxes and take it back to the store where you
bought it.  (Henceforth, if any news of a more dangerous computer virus comes
to you, make a note to yourself to never speak to the person who sent it to
you again.)  Need I say it?  E-MAIL VIRUSES DO NOT EXIST.

Zack

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Feb 1998 09:27:16 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: What's A Kiss?

Everything you wanted to know about a kiss

Definition of A Kiss:

Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.

Prof. of Algebra:     Kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:    Kiss is the shortest distance between two
                      straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:     Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the
                      expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:   Kiss is the reaction of the interaction
                      between  two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:     Kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary
                      bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:  Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis
                      oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:   Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when
                      returned.
Prof. of Economics:   Kiss is that thing for which the demand is
                      higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:  Kiss is an event whose probability depends on
                      the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Philosophy:  Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy
                      for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:     Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction;
                      it is more common than proper; it is spoken in
                      the plural and it is applicable to all
Prof. of Engineering  What is a Kiss?

"A Kiss is that you cannot give without taking, and cannot
take without giving. It is a course of procedure cunningly
devised for the mutual stoppage of speech for a moment when words
are superfluous. It is lip-service to love and the anatomical
juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of
contraction.
    A Kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet
absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young
man has to steal it, and the old man has to buy it. It is the
baby's right, the lover's privilege, and the hypocrite's mask. To
young girl, faith; married woman, hope; old maid, charity. A Kiss
can be a comma, quotation mark or an exclamation point. It is also
a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one."

A Kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition.

Kissing a pretty girl is like opening a bottle of olives. After
the first one the rest come easy.

"Am I the first girl you ever Kissed ?"
"Might be -- your face looks familiar."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Feb 1998 to 12 Feb 1998
************************************************

