HUMOR Digest - 9 Feb 1998 to 10 Feb 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 665 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Not Thinking...
  2. Types of Chain Letters (part 3 of 4) <Language>
  3. Moore HighJinx @ State Highway
  4. Laws of Ownership
  5. Various ventings: observations & questions
  6. Top5 - 2/9/98 - Bad Figure Skating Competition (fwd)
  7. Theology and College Theatre Productions
  8. Joke Clean: The Decision
  9. NBA Halftime
 10. Arthur Hickinbottom <sexual content>
 11. small world
 12. Too Pay or Not Toupe....
 13. Humor - Weird Business News (Part 1 of 3)
 14. Humor: Organ <adult>
 15. Men's Rules
 16. Looking For A Wife? <clean,innunendos>
 17. Dennis Rodman <suggestive>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 02:06:14 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Not Thinking...

When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into
a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he
got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve
the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the
scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't
ticket a guy for being stupid..."

When I used to be a radio newsperson I once asked the police during
my call to them if they ever thought of having an arrest for DWS ?
What the hell is that?  He asked me
Driving While Stupid  (True story)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 01:21:49 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Types of Chain Letters (part 3 of 4) <Language>

Chain Letter Type 4:

                  Friends

-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like shit,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
  your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
 you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the
 check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the
 cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you shitty chain letters because he
 wants his wish of his crush sucking his schlong to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will screw you in your sleep!!

There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity,
send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but
otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't
care, but why not show this around? Take two
minutes and forward it. Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.
If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people
feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or
nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of shit) just
delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say
"#$@!%#^! CHAIN LETTERS!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 03:28:27 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore HighJinx @ State Highway

*   We've all met them -- the super pious.  I had a secretary ask
  me if I'd made my peace with God.
    "Tara," I replied, "I don't know that we've ever quarreled."
                                - - - - -

*   At a dinner party to introduce the new Administrator of the
  Maryland State Highway, everybody's new boss went on and on
  extolling his own virtues, forward-thinking, the modernization
  he'd put in place, the downsizing, equipment upgrades, roadway
  improvements he had both instituted and planned for the future
  while he was with the Pennsylvania Dept of Transportation.
    Finally, after what seemed like hours, he opened the floor for
  questions.
   "Sir," said a voice from the back of the room (who shall remain
  nameless), "perhaps you'd also tell us why they fired you."
                                - - - - -

*   While with the State Highway, I sat on the Accident Review Board.
  Its function was to determine fault for all vehicle accidents and
  if necessary, institute discipline.
    When the Administrator wrecked his State owned car, the majority
  of the Board wanted to vote that the other driver was drunk.
    "Drunk ?" I said. "How in the world do y'all figure that ?"
    "Well Jimmy, he had to be." said one Deputy Chief Engineer. "He
  was driving a tree."
                                - - - - -

*   One of the unwritten functions of a Resident Maintenance Engineer
  is to obtain as much manpower and equipment for his county as he
  can, by any means necessary.
    I had submitted a proposal for several new pieces of expensive
  equipment with very little justification.  The Budget Director
  called to tell me it was denied and asked if I thought him a fool.
    "Why no George, not at all." I said.  "Of course... I could be
  totally wrong."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 06:46:42 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Laws of Ownership

 A spin on all I needed to know about life, I learned in Kindergarten...

     TODDLER LAWS OF OWNERSHIP

  1.   If I like it, it's mine

  2.   If it's in my hand, it's mine

  3.   If I can take it from you, it's mine

  4.   If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

  5.   If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way

  6.   If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine

  7.   If it looks just like mine, it's mine

  8.   If I think it's mine, it's mine

  9.   If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine

 10.  If I...........................! ooops, sorry! I've been reading
      Microsoft's Business Plan.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 09:54:18 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Various ventings: observations & questions

Most of these items are selected from
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

The Clintons: Redefining family values.

What's the difference in The New York Times and The National
Enquirer? Not as much as there use to be.

I don't care what the groundhog says, winter's not over until you
can't vacuum up any more Christmas tree needles from your carpet.

Don't be too hard of Monica Lewinsky. She's just trying to keep up
with the Joneses.

Another physics lesson for today: A body at rest tends to watch
television.

I like books more than videos, because they are much easier to
rewind.

I know our economy must be going great in creating new jobs because I
have gotten three of them.

My 6-year-old called my 4-year-old a "poopie head." The 4-year-old
replied, "That's okay. I can live with that."

Is a right-wing conspiracy anything like a communist plot.

President has explicitly denied that he had sexual affair with Monica
Lewinsky Have you notice how carefully he has never says
anything about a "special" relationship betwen Monica and
Hillary?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 09:56:19 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/9/98 - Bad Figure Skating Competition (fwd)

                        February 9, 1998

  The Top 16 Signs You're at a Bad Figure Skating Competition

16> Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads.

15> "Would the holder of lucky ticket #2220 please report to the
    box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!"

14> The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff.

13> The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom
    Magorsky, Zamboni driver.

12> Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater.

11> Judges not impressed by your "Oh, Calcutta" routine, despite
    the rather obvious effects of the cold air.

10> "And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran
    Drescher!"

 9> First time you've seen points awarded for a "Triple Klutz"
    and a "Triple Putz."

 8> The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs
    down Elvis Stojko.

 7> The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out
    grope-fest.

 6> During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian
    cross-checks the couples into the boards.

 5> Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the
    prelims come up.

 4> Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica
    Lewinsky.

 3> More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds
    Ice Fishing Tournament.

 2> Brian Boitano's new program interprets history of male
    pattern baldness.

and the Number 1 Sign You're at a Bad Figure Skating Competition...

 1> Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 10:12:10 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Theology and College Theatre Productions

From: IrishRose NY

A college drama group presented a play during which one character stands
on a trapdoor and announces, "I descend into hell!"  A stagehand below
would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would
plunge through.

The play was well received.

When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite
overweight took his place.  When the new actor announced, "I descend into
hell!", the stagehand pulled the rope and the actor began his plunge, but
became hopelessly stuck.  No amount of tugging on the rope could make him
descend.

One student in the balcony yelled:  "Hallelujah!  Hell is full!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 09:34:59 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: The Decision

There was once a marauding giant hedgehog named Norman. Not many people
were aware that he didn't work alone; much of the time he was
accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I didn't realize it myself, until
I spent a vacation in the Islands. Unfortunately, I happened to pick a
time when both of them were terrorizing the countryside. One day I went
down to the beach prepared to do some jogging and maybe ride the waves,
when I noticed a palm tree at the shore which had been almost completely
devoured, as if by some giant creature. I asked a native whether the
tree had been destroyed by the Norman the hedgehog or by Celeste the
shark, and he asked me why I cared. My response was, "IF NORMAN ATE IT,
I WILL NOT RUN; IF CELESTE DID, I WILL NOT SURF".

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 14:13:34 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: NBA Halftime

As you might know, many perfomers from various Broadway musicals
will be the halftime entertainment at the 1998 NBA All-Star Game
on February 8th.

Of course, *rumor* has it that these shows have changed their story
line to be tied into an "athletic" theme:

*Les Miserables - The history of the New Orleans Saints

*Jekyll & Hyde - The life and times of Football Hall of famer OJ Simpson

*Smokey Joe's Cafe - Former Boxing great Joe Frazier opens up a Dairy
Queen in the south Bronx; the plot thickens when the blizzard machine breaks

*Chicago - Former Chicago bear coach Mike Ditka shaves his moustache,
and is offered his old coaching position with da' bears.

*The Scarlet Pimpernel - The Marv Albert story - Need I say more?

* Bring in the Noise, Bring in the Funk - The history of how loud bowel
movements became an olympic sport

*Titanic - A very large ocean liner crashes into the Australian Cup Yachting
race; while the Australian waters are much warmer than the north atlantic,
all survivors are eaten by great white sharks off the great barrier reef.

*Miss Saigon - The romantic comedy where Dennis Rodman changes his sex
and race to become a Vietnamese prostitute.  Also starring Tony Danza as his
lover, and Madonna as the bad actress.

*Cats - The tragic love story between the mascots of the NHL team, Florida
Panthers and the NFL team, Jacksonville Jaguars.  It ends when the
Jacksonville Jaguars are sold to a team in Decatur.


--by:  Carl Hunt

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 21:14:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Arthur Hickinbottom <sexual content>

Arthur Hickinbottom, never having been south of Barnsley (or north east
or west of it for that matter) except for the trip to and from football
grounds, found himself one day all alone in London having missed the
coach.

Naturally he decided to have a look around Soho.  He was amazed that all
the prostitutes have the same surname.  The French family must be very
large!

Picking one at random has asked about prices.

"Fifty quid?  Bloody 'ell missus, I want to screw yer - not marry yer!
I'm not paying for a wedding tha' knows!"

"Well, how much have you got then?"

"A fiver."

"You must have something else of value."

"Well, this watch cost us a fiver off a bloke at the market and these
pumps were fifteen quid."

Business was slack.  She was amused.  She agreed to accommodate him for
five pounds, his watch and his footwear.

Pounding away, our Arthur felt that he was not getting his money's worth.
 She lay there immobile, smoking a cigarette and watching Cilla Black on
the TV over his shoulder.  He tried everything, but could obtain no
reaction.

He even tried the Huddersfield shuffle, the Halifax handful and the
Bingley Bargee's long thrust.  No reaction at all.

In desperation, and at great risk to his safety, he performed a perfect
Cleckheaton double.

Instantly she was transformed.  Her arms and legs shot around him, her
limbs clasping and unclasping frantically, her face red, her eyes bulging
and her breath coming in short gasps.

"I knew the Cleckheaton double'd get yer!" he claimed.

"Bugger the Cleckheaton double," she replied.  "I'm trying on your pumps."


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 16:30:01 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: small world

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in
front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the
course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper
golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk
up there and ask those gals to let us play through. "  He walked out to
the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came
back, explaining, " I can't do it.  One of those women is my wife and the
other is my mistress.  Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his
partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, " Small World! "

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 16:14:16 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Too Pay or Not Toupe....

[A variant]

>From: CircleJoke

When old Mr.O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned.  In preparation,
Mrs O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a little private talk.

"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely.  No one but
me knew he was bald," she confided, "and he could never rest in peace if
anyone found out.  Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his
hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs O'Leary," comforted the undertaker.  "I'll fix it so that
toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving the corpse quite
a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place.  At the end of the day,
a delighted Mrs, O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra hundred bucks for
handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker,
"What's a few nails?"

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 19:50:33 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News (Part 1 of 3)

Copied from Houston Chronicle's Business Columnist, Jim Barlow:


 IT'S TIME for Weird Business -- the funny things people do to make a buck.

 Our Advertising Slogan Award this time to CSL Inc. Environmental Products
of Fort Walton Beach, Fla., for "The Butt Stops Here." The product? The
Smokers Outpost, a large ornamental urn of either concrete or plastic with
a slender column sticking out of the top. Drop your butt down the column
and it collects, out of sight, in the urn. It also can be bought with an
attached table top.

 The It Costs to Be Green Award to H-E-B supermarkets -- as sent in by
reader Steve Schroeder of the Department of Meteorology at Texas A&M
University.

 Inside the lid of the egg cartons is the news you can recycle the
container. Just spend $3 to mail the empty cartons by priority mail to an
address in California.

 Our Let's Build a Really Big Food Item and See Who's Dumb Enough To Write
About It Award to the folks at Disney. To hype the home video release of
its movie Hercules they built a 150-pound hero sandwich -- six foot long,
three foot high. What's that got to do with the movie? Why Hercules is a
Hero!

 There's no contest on the Product of the Month Award this time. It goes to
Cande Arteaga of McAllen in the Rio Grande Valley. His product? Moose
droppings. You know, the by-product of the Alaskan moose. But not just
moose droppings. Gathered, cleaned, recycled and covered with an imitation
gold plating Moose Nuggets. Wear these peanut-sized droppings as a
necklace, bracelet or earring. Try not to think about their origin.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 22:00:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Organ <adult>

From: kheebner@juno.com

It seems there was a priest who went into the country to pay a visit to
a 92 year old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she
made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and
a condom was floating on top of it. He dare not say anything!!

After tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. She
said "While in town I  found a package on the sidewalk and took it home.
The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to
prevent disease', and you know I think it works, I haven't had a cold
all winter."


---
Ya want a stupid answer?  Ask me anything!.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 15:00:23 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Men's Rules

MEN'S RULES

Rule #1 -- Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in
an argument.  All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule #2 -- If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule #3 -- If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule #4 -- It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take
those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule #5 -- Let us ogle.  If we don't look at other women how can we know
how pretty you are?

Rule #6 -- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule #7 -- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
it done not both.

Rule #8 -- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials or time-outs.

Rule #9 -- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do
we.

Rule #10 -- Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule #11 -- When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule #12 -- Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Chris Turner <cbturne@InetGate1.Wal-Mart.Com>


--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Feb 1998 10:08:11 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Looking For A Wife? <clean,innunendos>

Are you looking for a wife?
If yes,I have the tips...

Hardware Requirements:
1. Pleasant screen and chassis.
2. Moderate size disk drives.
3. Must come with original manufacturer write-protect tab.
4. Must be easily interconnectable to accessories such as vacuum
   cleaners, ovens, brooms, washing machines, etc.

Software Requirements:
1. Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Housewife Language) basic
   command subset (e.g. clean, wash, cook, "of course dear").
2. Single-user mode ONLY.
3. Very-user-friendly interface.
4. Word "no" must not appear in /usr/dict/words.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 22:03:35 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Dennis Rodman <suggestive>

A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous basketball
player, known for the wildly changing color and style of his hair.

They liked each other and the women went back with him to his hotel
room.  He removed his shirt revealing all of his tattoos and she saw that on
his right arm  was a tatoo which said, "Reebok".

She thought that was a bit odd and asked him about it.

Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the
tattoo and  Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bitlater, his pants came off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to
the corner of the room.

Rodman said, "What's wrong?"

The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tatoo on his penis
which read "AIDS" . Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a
guy who has AIDS!"

He said, "It's cool baby, don't worry, in a minute it's going
to say "ADIDAS".

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Feb 1998 to 10 Feb 1998
***********************************************

