HUMOR Digest - 8 Feb 1998 to 9 Feb 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 386 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Limericks <offensive adult rated>
  2. Military Life <adult humor>
  3. From USA Weekend
  4. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story
  5. The Church Bell
  6. High School Math Exams (offensive to people in gangs)
  7. Remembrance of High School Math Exam
  8. Clinton's Problem
  9. Couple-O-Jokes <clean>
 10. Types of Chain Letters (part 3 of 4)
 11. Scholar<off. to religious scholars>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 01:09:55 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limericks <offensive adult rated>

There was a guy named Bill,
Who had a steadfast will,
He thought it was hip,
To undo his zip,
Now he awaits a starry grill.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 05:11:34 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Military Life <adult humor>

*   Back in the 60's, the US had a series of radar sites known as
  the "Distant Early Warning" system or "DEW" line.  One Airman
  stationed there asked his buddy at home to arrange a date for
  him when he got leave.  The buddy did so, but told the girl
  that she'd better be careful, as the guy had been working on
  the DEW line for 6 months.
    She replied, "No problem.  I've been working on my 'DON'T
  line' for six years."
                                - - - - -

* On leave from Vietnam during the war, the Marine was watching
  the strip show.  He smiled at the girls then said, "Here at
  least there's a definite front and a definite rear."
                                - - - - -

*   While I'm not sure of the procedure now, when I was in the Navy,
  every so often, you got umpteen shots, whether you needed them or
  not.  The carrier pilot in front of me as we passed thru the line
  asked for a drink of water after receiving what seemed to be at
  least a dozen different needles.
    The Corpsman asked if he was dizzy.
    "No, not at all." he replied.  "I just wantta see if I'm still
  water-tight."
                                - - - - -

*   The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, "Men before
  anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing.  This
  isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship."
    From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Great !  Hey guys !  Let's
  sell the damn thing."
                                - - - - -

*   At Dyess Air Force Base, the Airman on the switchboard in the
  Comm Center answered the "Military Affiliated Radio System" (MARS)
  with: "MARS Station, Airman [Smith] speaking."
    There was as a gasp on the other end, then a woman's voice said,
  "Good Heavens!  I must have mis-dialed.  I didn't even know we had
  people stationed on Mars now anyway."  And she hung up.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 10:56:08 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: From USA Weekend

 Signs of our times:

 In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
      Ears pierced while you wait.

 In a New York restaurant:
      Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

 In a Los Angeles dance hall:
      Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

 In a Florida maternity ward:
      No children allowed.


Source: USA Weekend

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 11:13:49 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story

                          METER BANDIT

 WEST SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (AP) - Call him the meter reader who forgot to
 cover his tracks.

 Police traced a burglar's footprints in the snow and nabbed a meter
 reader who was arrested for stealing $4,000 in jewelry and cash.

 ``We're usually warning people to watch out for people who are pretending
 to be meter readers,'' said Sgt. Paul Finnie. ``This is the first time I've
 seen an actual meter employee misuse their position.''

 Jeffrey Fowler, 26, of Springfield, was arrested Monday and charged with
 theft and breaking and entering. He pleaded innocent Tuesday at his
 arraignment in Springfield District Court.

 Town police said the footprints at the burglarized home matched the ones
 leading to meters all around the town.

 The robbery was reported on the afternoon of Jan. 21. Among the property
 stolen was a $1,200 diamond ring and $3,000.

 ``He was doing his job,'' Finnie said. ``He just took it one step further."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 13:47:24 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: The Church Bell

About a century ago, in a small European rural town there was a chappel
with wonderful sounding chimes.  These very chimes had called parishoners
to service for many, many years.  One wintery night there was a heavy
lightening storm; and, as luck would have it a bolt of lightening struck
the bells.

The next morning the monks saw a large crack in one of the bells.  They
could not afford a new bell but one of the priests said that he knew of
a smith in a nearbye town.  The only problem was that the smith was
Jewish, but he had a good reputation for his work.  They decided to let
the Jewish smith repair their bell.  They lowered the bell into the cart
and had the ox pull the cart to the town.  They introduced themselves and
identified the problem.

The Jewish bell maker said, "Nooo Problem!  Come back in a week and I
shall have your bell looking like new."

A week had passed, the priests returned and were shown their bell.  It
was beautiful!  It looked as good as new.  The priests paid the man, put
the bell back onto the cart, took it to the church and with some help
they hoisted the bell to the top of the tower.  It now joined the other
bell that was still there.  The priests waited until Sunday to ring the
repaired bell.  Early in the morning, it was time to summon the
parishoners to prayers so one of the priest took up the rope to the bells
and began ringing the bells.  It was a beautiful morning and slightly
cool in the air and throughout the country side rang the beautiful sound
of the bells...GOyemmmmmmmm, Goyemmmmmm, Goyemmmmm.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 14:32:37 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: High School Math Exams (offensive to people in gangs)

City Of Los Angeles
High School Math Exam

Name:_____________________        Gang:________________________


1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10
   shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive
   by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If John has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jimmy
   for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street
   value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Richard is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
   how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Richard can pay for his
   $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jacob wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more
   profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for
   a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he
   have to steal to make $800?

6. Robert is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the
   hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much
   money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years
   will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the
   average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray
   with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
   gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 15:17:03 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Remembrance of High School Math Exam

Some may remember the following which I posted on August 8, 1997.
Subject: `Icebreaker' = Hot Water

LANCASTER,TEXAS -- A math work sheet that phrased problems in terms of
drugs, guns and sex has led to the suspension of nearly half of the math
teachers at a high school in this south Dallas suburb.

 Several parents and students, who attended a special board meeting Monday,
said the work sheet contained questions about percentages posed in
references to drug sales, gangs, automatic weapons, drive-by shooting and
teen pregnancies.

 One question began, "If Hector knocked up six girls in his gang ... ,"
several parents and students said.

 More than 100 students received the work sheet at Elsie Robertson High
School, and parents complained.

 The teachers claimed they distributed the work sheet on the first day of
school Thursday as an "icebreaker," said principal Dwain Dawson.

 "Those are outstanding teachers. They didn't do this maliciously," the
principal said.

 But he added: "They should have never used it. It was a poor professional
decision. It's unacceptable. That's not a joke."

 Dawson suspended the head of the math department for 60 days without pay
and five other teachers for 30 days without pay.

Source: Houston Chronicle (c)


(Some may wonder if those teachers were subscribers to this Humor List)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 22:00:31 -0600
From:    Thomas Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Clinton's Problem

I finally figured out why Clinton did it.  He's been called everything
but "Mr. President" -- Bubba, Tubby, Willy, etc.  I mean, face it.
 Everyone, especially Letterman, has got a nickname for him.

But I think he completely misunderstood when his PR folks told him to 
get a new moniker.


http://home.earthlink.net/~twideman/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 09:56:25 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Couple-O-Jokes <clean>

-NewlyWed: Do you want dinner?
 Spouse: Sure, what are my choices?
 NewlyWed: Yes and no.

-Diet Definition:
 The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is
 'desserts' spelled backwards.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 23:58:16 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Types of Chain Letters (part 3 of 4)

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as
many bitchy little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it
works. Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or something
horrible will happen to you like:

                 Queer Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

                Queer Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored
it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some
people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They continued to
suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every
day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter
to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

[to be concluded...]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Feb 1998 07:59:10 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Scholar<off. to religious scholars>

 A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After
 dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
 He invites the fiancee to his study for schnapps. "So what are your
 plans?" the father asks the fiancee. "I am a Torah scholar," he
 replies. "A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will
 you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
 accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will
 provide for us."

 "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
 deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the
 young man replies, "God will provide for us."

 "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
 "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The
  conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
  the fiance insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks "So?
  How did it go?"

  The father answers, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news is,
  he thinks I'm God."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Feb 1998 to 9 Feb 1998
**********************************************

