HUMOR Digest - 7 Feb 1998 to 8 Feb 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 839 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Grate State of Texas
  2. Limerick < suitable for all>
  3. 25 Ways to Annoy a Yankee
  4. Re-Run: (3 y.) 3 men discussing love-making. <adult theme>
  5. Tart comments, silly questions
  6. If men re-wrote the rules <Offensive to Women>
  7. Howard (adult theme)
  8. How to interpret school reports/student references <clean>
  9. Yankee, Stay Home!!!
 10. Pregnant
 11. Sticky Situation
 12. Puncture
 13. Humor - Lost Lottery Ticket (weird)
 14. Superman <crude>
 15. Types of Chain Letters (part 2 of 4) <profanity>
 16. "True" court transcripts
 17. In The News - Humorous News Quips

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 03:10:11 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Grate State of Texas

*   Near the town of Raymondville, in the Rio Grande valley
  of Texas, a fugitive barricaded himself in a small house
  and threatened to shoot anyone who came near the place.
  The local Sheriff called in a Texas Ranger.
    In the gun battle which followed, the fugitive was shot
  and killed.  The local Justice of the Peace, acting as the
  coroner, returned the verdict: "Suicide.  Subject failed
  to co-operate with a Texas Ranger."
                                - - - - -

* The woman called to her husband from the kitchen of the Texas
  ranch and said, "Bruno, would you please get the car and drive
  the kids to the back yard so they can play ?"
                                - - - - -

*   In the days of the Old West, bar fights would often spill
  over into the street and before anyone knew what happened,
  it was a full-scale riot.
    In one such town, the Mayor wired the Texas Rangers for
  help.  On the next train, a Ranger gets off and is greeted
  by the astonished Mayor. "They only sent one Ranger ???"
    The Ranger straightened his hat, brushed the dust from
  his coat, and replied, "Y'all only got one riot, right ?"
                                - - - - -

* A Texan was dictating his will to his lawyer: "To my son I
  leave the sum of five million dollars, and he's damn lucky
  I didn't cut him off entirely."
                                - - - - -

*   At a convention of oil men, the speaker from Texas called
  the neighboring state of Oklahoma an "Outlying province of
  Texas".
    The next speaker, an Oklahoman, started off his talk with,
  "First of all, there ain't no state that can out-lie Texas."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 02:39:08 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limerick < suitable for all>

A diner at Teck Whye,
A fly in his soup did spy,
At the waiter he hollered,
Who told him " for a dollar,
That is all the meat we supply"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 07:58:50 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: 25 Ways to Annoy a Yankee

   1.   Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
   2.   Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
   3.   When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on
        the left."
   4.   Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can
        understand what they're saying.
   5.   When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's
        ready when you are!"
   6.   Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
   7.   Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
   8.   Always order sweet tea and/or grits.  When they don't have it,
        raise a ruckus.
   9.   Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
   10.  Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g.
        Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
   11.  Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
        conversation.  If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always
        interject  that "there was nothing civil about it."
   12.  Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
   13.  Correct their pronunciation of certain words.  For example:
        It's  "pee-can."
   14.  Put Tabasco on everything.
   15.  For New York Yankees:  Act as if the whole state of New York is
        New York City.  In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate
        New Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see
        a  Broadway show!"
   16.  When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert.  Show up with a
        box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.
   17.  Name all of your children "Bubba".
   18.  Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
   19.  "Mash" buttons.  "Cut" off lights.  "Carry" the kids to school.
        "Fetch" something.
   20.  Never simply "do" something.  Be "fixin to do" something.
   21.  Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
   22.  Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..
   23.  Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now
        go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron
        station used to be.  I think they turned it into a Amoco.  Or
        maybe a BP.  Anyway, turn right there. . ."  "You said left."
        "Did I?  Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a
        big fish on your left.  I remember when that  fish used to be
        on the other side of town.."
   24.  Ask them if it's still snowing up North.  Then tell 'em
        you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
   25.  Call 'em a yankee.  Works every time.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 15:14:30 +0200
From:    Alar ''The Joker'' <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: Re-Run: (3 y.) 3 men discussing love-making. <adult theme>

Originally From: Mr. John
           Date: 7 Feb 1995

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.
"She was in sheer extasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told
me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."


http://fun.ee/jokes

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 10:18:11 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Tart comments, silly questions

I'm Bill Clinton's age and I just want to know one thing. What does
this guy have for breakfast?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.

My new favoirte country/western song title is: "You broke my heart
in so many pieces, I cut my fingers on it."

The little tag says my new $70 shirt was inspected by Pauline. It has
a tear on the sleeve. Way to go, Pauline.

I saw a commercial for a psychic that was captioned, "Taped live."
Excuse me! Doesn't one preclude the other? Or is it like a "genuine
replica"?

All these towns that are trying to revitalize their downtown area
should relocate on the bypass next to the Wal-Mart.

Has research revealed that there is a certain kind of music you can
play for infants that will keep them from becoming politicians?

NASA and Senator Glenn are taking the congressional junket to new
heights.

Who could possibly have thought that Paula Jones has had a nose job?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

Women don't make fools of men Most them are the do-it-yourself types.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 12:25:31 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: If men re-wrote the rules <Offensive to Women>

Rule #1
Anything we said or did eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule #2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
Rule #3
If we say something that can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you mad, we meant the other way.
Rule #4
It is not in your best interest (nor ours) to make us take those idiotic
Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule #5
Let us ogle (please). If we don't look at other women, how can we know
how pretty you are?
Rule #6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule #7
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -
not both.
Rule #8
Whenvever possible, please say whatever you have to say, during
commercials or time-outs.
Rule #9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions - neither do we.
Rule #10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut dresses lose their right to
complain about being stared at.
Rule #11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is on the off ramp, we don't
need you to say, "This is our exit."
Rule #12
Please don't fake it. We would rather be innefective than deceived.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 12:38:10 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Howard (adult theme)

 Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried
 to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal
 was overwhelming. But, every once in a while, he'd hear that
 soothing voice trying to reassure him: "Howard. Don't worry about
 it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients
 and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would
 bring him back to reality: "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 14:52:45 EST
From:    Jennifer Selke <JennSelke@AOL.COM>
Subject: How to interpret school reports/student references <clean>

REPORTS: What we really mean when we write:

Satisfactory progress: I can't think of a single interesting thing to write                        about him.   (Or)
                       I don't know this child.

Good Progress: If you think his work is bad now, you should have seen
               it a year ago!

Easy-going: Bone Idle

Lively: Thoroughly disruptive

Helpful: A creep

Reliable: Grasses on his mates

Friendly: Never shuts up.

Determined: Completely lacking all scruples.

Imaginative: Lies and cheats regularly.

Adventurous: Will probably break his neck before the year is our
             if we don't do it for him.

Independent-minded: Thoroughly obstinate

A sensitive child: He never stops whining.

A born leader: He runs a protection racket.

A vivid imagination: Always has an excuse.

Easily distracted: Hasn't produced a single piece of work all year.

Easily influenced: The class fall guy.

Expresses himself confidently: Cheeky little ******.

Expresses himself clearly: Foul-mouthed.

Has many minor illnesses: A truant.

Enjoys PE: A thug.

Good with his hands: Light-fingered

Works better in a small group: Daren't take my eyes off him for a second.

Needs praise and encouragement: Thick as two short planks.

All his work is of a high standard: He has ambitious middle-class parents.

Keen to do well: Self-centred and egotistical.

Is easily upset: Spoilt rotten.

Often appears tired: either Solvent abuser Or Stays up all night watching
                     video nasties.

Works better at practical activities: Totally illiterate.

Inclined to day-dream: Never listens to a word I say.

Good sense of humour: Teases other kids unmercifully.

Reads aloud well: In love with the sound of his own voice

Often needs guidance: Frequently sent to the Headmaster.

Chooses his friends carefully: Member of the national front

Resents authority: Father is doing time.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 16:18:27 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Yankee, Stay Home!!!

Yankees? Ugh!  Not Welcome on the Old Plantation

HARDEEVILLE, S.C. (AP)  More than a century after Gen. William T. Sherman's
troops burned every building on the property, Henry Ingram, Jr. has vowed
never to let his plantation fall into Yankee hands again.
  Ingram went down to the courthouse Wednesday and filed deed restrictions
barring the sale of the land to anyone from north of the Mason-Dixon Line and
anyone named Sherman.
  Ingram did not return phone calls Friday, but he told The Beaufort Gazette:
"This is the prettiest piece of land in the county, and I want to keep it that
way. I want to make sure no one has access to it that I don't want to be
there."
  The deed restrictions he filed at the Jasper County courthouse prohibit the
"Yankee race" -- those who were born above the Mason-Dixon Line or who have
lived there for a year or more -- from owning any part of the 1,688 acres.
  Also, anyone named Sherman can't even set foot on the property. In fact,
Northerners who aren't named Sherman but whose names can be spelled from its
letters had better stay out, too.
  The property, mostly wetlands and tall pines, is five miles north of
Savannah, Ga. Ingram said he wants to put a motel, convenience store and
restaurant there, along with homes for himself and family members.
  South Carolina banker Langdon Cheves established the plantation in 1829 and
it quickly became one of the largest rice operations in the area. It was
destroyed in January 1865 as Sherman's troops crossed the Savannah river into
South Carolina.
  Ingram, who owns several video gambling parlors in the area, bought the
property last month for $1.2 million. He lives on Hilton Head Island, a luxury
resort area popular with Yankees.
  Ingram said he and his son came up with the language and had a lawyer review
it.
  Bill McElveen, a Columbia real estate attorney, chuckled when told of the
restrictions but said they might stand up. "I'd hate to be judge, though. I
don't think you can win with this one," he said.
  Federal laws prevent discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion,
handicap, marital status or national origin, but say nothing about geography
within the United States.
  "Someone would have to show (Yankees are) a class of people entitled to some
type of protection under discrimination laws," McElveen said.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 22:46:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Pregnant

An 80 year old man marries an 18 year old.
She wants a baby and after several months trying, he goes to the doctor
for tests.
Doctor "Well, I can't find anything wrong but you are rather old. Have
you thought of taking in a lodger?"

Three months later..........

Doctor "Did you take my advice about the lodger?"
Husband "Yes"
Doctor" And is your wife pregnant?"
Husband "Yes, and so is the lodger."


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 22:46:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Sticky Situation

A young man had decided to do some DIY...
...while his girlfriend was out so he varnished the toilet seat. When his
sweetheart returned, she went straight into the loo, dropped her jeans
and panties and sat down to allow the passage of nature.
  After the event, she tried to stand but was, by now, stuck fast. Her
boyfriend, hearing the commotion came running in and saw her sitting
there, naked from the waist down. Unable to remove her from the seat, he
reluctantly called the Fire Brigade.
  As they arrived, the boyfriend passed the girl an old cowboy hat that
was lying around. She placed it on her lap to cover her modesty. The
fireman came into the room, took a good look at the situation, turned to
the boyfriend and said, "I can save the girl, but I think the cowboy's a
goner."

Then they went to the hospital to have the seat removed. All the medical
students crowded round to have a look; "What's up," said the registrar,
"have you never seen something like this before?". "Yes," said a student,
"but never framed".......


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 22:46:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Puncture

Puncture

"I had a puncture yesterday"

"Oh, bad luck. Did you drive over a nail?"

"No, a milk bottle"

"A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road, then?"

"No, silly woman had it hidden under her coat."


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 17:04:54 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Lost Lottery Ticket (weird)

MADRID, Spain (CNN) -- Juan Villasante is resting in his grave. But for his
frantic family, there can be no rest these days.  That's because 12 hours
after his ultimate number came up, Villasante's lottery numbers came up in
a drawing. The only problem -- his survivors can't find the lucky ticket
that's worth $33,000.

 They've searched the hospital where he died and everywhere else they can
think of. Now, family members say that as a last resort, they want to open
up his grave and search there.

 If that doesn't turn up the ticket, only St. Peter may ever know for sure
where the jackpot winner is hiding. And time is of the essence, because the
winning ticket expires soon.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 18:44:11 EST
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Superman <crude>

It was Saturday night and Superman wanted to party. He phoned Batman but
Batman said Robin was sick and he had to stay home and take care of him.  So
Supe decided to fly over to Wonder Woman's house and see what was going on
over there. He landed on her balcony, looked in the bedroom window, and saw
her lying on her back on the bed. She was naked and had her legs apart. "Hey,"
he thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there,
have sex with her and be gone before she knows it." He does it, but something
startles Wonder  Woman and she says, "Did you hear something?" "No," says the
Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 19:00:17 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Types of Chain Letters (part 2 of 4) <profanity>

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents,
and no willie. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every
time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving
Legless Armless Willieless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember,
we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bullshit. So go on,
reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a
reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die
instantly. Thanks again!!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 11:21:51 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: "True" court transcripts

A lawyer friend sent this to me, so it may or may not be true.

Great TRUE Court transcripts:
The following are actual statements made during court cases:
		   =====================

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay.  I was your bookie.
			====================

(From a defendant representing himself...)

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant:  I should have shot you while I had the chance.
			====================

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are you the defendant?

Defendant:  No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
			====================

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: That's not true.  I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
			====================

Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...

Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained
                    while at work?

Plaintiff:  Dr. J.

Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?

Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good
           plaintiff's doctor.
			====================


Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
			====================

Lawyer:  Tell us about the fight.

Witness: I didn't see no fight.

Lawyer:  Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness:  I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung
          around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
          one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the
          other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone
          else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle
          that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with
          yelling and smoke and bullets.

Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
			====================

Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge:  And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's
                            motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
			====================

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?

Defendant:  Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name.
            Not a damn thing.
			====================

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to
       say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
			====================

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
                                                      court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 8 Feb 1998 00:29:13 -0600
From:    Lambert Ed <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, interns, trees,
conspiracy buffs, celebrity tree bashers, OJ Simpson, lawyers...

The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has promised
128 hours of coverage... that is, unless Monica Lewinsky gets a hair cut or
something. (O'Brien)

The news this week is hot... even my Newsweek came in a plain brown wrapper.
(Leno)

Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal. Meanwhile
the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the pope's visit to
Cuba. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Monica Lewinsky and her Brentwood neighbor OJ Simpson have similarities.
They were both scoring champions in college, neither can explain the stains
on their clothes and both have sore knees. (Leno)

A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al Gore was.
Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does and doesn't move.
(O'Brien)

To his credit, Clinton is now defending Lewinsky, saying she was no
different from any other White House intern. "She takes my pants off one leg
at a time, just like everyone else."

While he was campaining for office, Clinton told young people they should
wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait for. Him. (Leno)

Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what
Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He *is* creating high paying
jobs for young people. (Leno)

Instead of firing Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, maybe Clinton should have
followed her advice.

You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are underpaid.
Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only have to take a
bullet for the president. (Leno)

Well, apparently there *is* other news...

Sonny Bono's widow is running for his congressional seat. Her main
qualification is that she was married to Sonny, which is okay since his main
qualification was that he was married to Cher. (Daily Scoop)

Conspiracy buffs claim that the celebrity skiing accidents are actually a
conspiracy... the trees were planted. (rec.humor.funny)

Johnnie Cochran is amazed that his client, basketball player Latrell
Sprewell, was suspended for an entire year just for trying to choke his
coach. Cochran said, "My last client killed two people, *his* punishment
wasn't this bad!" (Leno)

Cochran has a defense figured out for Sprewell: If the coach provoked, he
must be choked.

Cochran is offering a reward to find the real choker. (SNL)

American Family Publishers and its spokesmen Dick Clark and Ed McMahon are
accused of using deceptive tactics to sell magazines through their
sweepstakes. They knew they were in trouble when they opened the summons and
it read, "If you have the matching case number, you may already be a
defendant!"

Two photographers were found guilty of harassing Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold called it a victory against paparazzi. Of course, he made the
statement while standing in front of the cameras.

A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for serving him a beef burrito instead of
the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat caused nausea, loss
of sleep and many doctor's visits. In it's defense, Taco Bell said the same
thing would have happened if he'd gotten the bean burrito.

Doctors have found a way to treat prostate cancer with laser beams. See,
there *is* a light at the end of the tunnel! (Leno)

California has proclaimed "San Joaquin soil" to be the official state dirt
of California. Previously this title was held by "L.A. Smog". (r.h.f)

And finally, on this day in 1886, Kark Benz got a patent for the first gas
engine car. The license frame read, "My other car hasn't been invented yet!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Feb 1998 to 8 Feb 1998
**********************************************

