HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 1998 to 7 Feb 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 635 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. FW: Joke: February 6 - Funny Scenes from Marriage
  2. The Male Animal <adult humor>
  3. Shop and Food Counter Names
  4. Humour (off. to Clinton, divorced men and women)
  5. Dr. Seuss and Kenneth Starr (pos. offensive to K. Starr)
  6. Venting rage: observations & questions
  7. <humor> Collected Observations on Human Nature
  8. Humor: Engineering School
  9. We are not alone
 10. Tragedy...? (off. to Clinton fans)
 11. Beer Minded
 12. older women...
 13. Titanic
 14. Limerick < suitable for all >
 15. The cowboys (some language)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 10:25:12 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: Joke: February 6 - Funny Scenes from Marriage

These are from today's (1998/02/06) Joke of the Day.

                    MARRIAGE HUMOR
                    --------------
 How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
 laundry done free.

 The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
 forget it once.

 Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
 friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
 other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

 At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
 wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
 replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

 Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
 get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
 still paying."

 Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
 a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That
 happens in every country, son.

 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
 was until I got married; and then it was too late."

 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
 fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I
 was in love and didn't notice."

 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
 day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
 "You can have mine."

 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
 let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry

 Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
 Europe.  -  Jackie Mason

 Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
 marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


www.joke-of-the-day.com

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 03:33:33 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Male Animal <adult humor>

*   A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor
  surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by
  to see how the guy was going.
    The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered
  the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff
  his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.  "Why all the
  attention ?" the friend asked.  "You look fine to me."
    "I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed
  a little fan club when they heard that my circumcision required
  twenty-seven stitches."
                                - - - - -

* And then there was the fellow who took a far-eastern course in
  exotic love making and announced that he'd probably never be
  able to face his girlfriend again.
                                - - - - -

*   The detective was leafing through the suspect's folder. "Hmmm,
  quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly
  conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault, rape..."
    "Yeah, I know." said the felon.  "It took me quite a while to
  figure out what I was good at."
                                - - - - -

*   "Do you think I look better without a bra ?" asked the wife,
  trying to look ever younger as she approached forty.
    "Yes indeed you do sweetheart." replied her husband, putting
  down the paper.  "It's drawn all the wrinkles out of your face."
                                - - - - -

*   The situation was tense in the airport control tower.  The new
  controller, a female, was having problems handling so many planes
  at once. "Is something wrong Delta 715 ? Why don't you confirm my
  landing instructions ?  Is my transmission fuzzy ?"
    "Delta 715 to BWI control. I don't know honey, how old are ya ?"


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 05:41:06 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Shop and Food Counter Names

 Here are names of some of the shops and/or eating counters at
 Disney's Magic Kingdom in Florida.

 Geiger's Counter
 Lunching Pad
 Auntie Gravity
 Merchant of Venus

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 07:00:21 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Humour (off. to Clinton, divorced men and women)

 Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking
 through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the
 Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise,
 what should I do?"  Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and
 says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is
 talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to
 the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. "Thomas, you never
 had these kind of problems, what  can I do to rally people behind me?"
 Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT,
 START OVER."

 After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the
 historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. "Abe,
 I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer
 trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE
 THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER."
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 There is a little Mercedes 280 SL in Toronto being driven by a gorgeous
 blonde and the plate reads: WAS HIS
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
 A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 08:07:40 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Dr. Seuss and Kenneth Starr (pos. offensive to K. Starr)

This one was in the Rocky Mountain News (Denver, CO) 2/5/98.

Starr I Are, (with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I'm here to ask As you'll soon see --
Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her In your house?
Did you grope Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that Here or there;
I did not do that Anywhere!
I did not do that Near or far --
I did not do that Starr-You-Are
Did you smile? Did you flirt?
Did you peek Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell The girl to lie
When called upon To testisfy?
I do not like you Starr-You-Are
I think that you Have gone too far.
I will not answer Anymore --
Perhaps I will go Start a war!
The public's easy  To distract --
When bombs are Falling on Iraq!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 11:25:47 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting rage: observations & questions

Don't worry if you start losing your memory. In fact, just forget
about it.

Bill Clinton is no Bob Dole, that's for sure.

The spell checker on my word processor stopped at the word 'Gingrich'
and suggested I replace that word with 'jingoish.' Artificial
intelligence? Or intelligent insight?

I said, "I'd like to strike a happy medium," and my friend replied,
"If you do, she might put a hex on you."

If the No. 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still No. 2?

I would feel more sorry for Paula Jones if she weren't so obviously
enjoying herself.

Congratulations to the Denver Broncos for becoming Super Bowl
champions. Now please get some world-class uniforms.

Why do you smokers hold your smoldering cigarette out the car window?
Roll up the window and enjoy it all!

The receptionist in my office complained to the boss that she
couldn't get her work done because she had to answer the phones!

I woke up this morning to learn that Bill Clinton is still in the
Starr Chamber.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 11:56:08 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Collected Observations on Human Nature

This was sent to me.  It looks like it came from the Dilbert Zone.

A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older
friend.  The guy at the door asked for my ID.  I gave him my driver's
license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.  He looked at
it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here."  I replied, "That ID is a
few years old."
He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.
			     -----------

At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters
around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and
'VAL E'.
This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you).
However, to the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition to the posters
appeared.  It was the single word: 'B LL'.
			     -----------

At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air
from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment
were getting zapped constantly.  The receptionist was particularly hard hit
as people were handing her stuff all day.  An enterprising engineer decided
to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to
ground the static.
He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed
he had fixed the static problem.
He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it
worked.  He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration.  A
big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left
breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine.
It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.
			     -----------

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.  Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital.  She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
			     -----------

There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted
in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of their several locations:
"If it's in stock, we've got it!"
			     -----------

The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor.  Using the vendor's
invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling.  Each time she
called, her phone would ring.  When she answered, no one was there. This
continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the
vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior.
He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's
invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER!  She had spent an entire morning
calling herself.
			     -----------

Prank report from a contract employee:
At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the kitchen area and put it in
the refrigerator with a sign that said "Do not remove." It stayed there for
the final three weeks of my contract.  I actually witnessed Induhviduals
taking it out, using it and putting it back.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 13:37:00 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Engineering School

          The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach

10.  There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
 9.  Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
 8.  Not everything works according to the specs in the data book.
 7.  Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it,
     except the complex math, which you will never use.
 6.  Never try to fix hardware with software.
 5.  Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon
     lab every day for the rest of your life.
 4.  Overtime pay?  What's overtime pay?
 3.  Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
 2.  If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into
     software.
 1.  Dilbert is a documentary.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 15:01:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: We are not alone

(I am not the auther and cannot guarantee the authenticity of this)

   On Friday the 24th I was watching the NASA channel on cable TV to see
how the experiments and Shuttle crew were doing. The men onboard needed
to send instructions to the experiments in the cargo bay and were using
a laptop to do it. As some of you may have heard, there was a "computer
problem" onboard as reported by CNN. The exchange of information between
the crew and the Johnson Space Center (JSC) went something like this:

   Crew: Urgent Johnson, we can't get a DOS prompt
   JSC: Press C: enter.
   Crew: Heck, we're not familiar with all this
   JSC: What screen are you looking at?
   Crew: It says 'My Computer', and, er, various other icons
   JSC: Click on 'Start' and then shut down.
   Crew: You click the 'Start' button to shut down?
   JSC: Yeah. Isn't it obvious?
   Crew: Somebody get me an aspirin
   JSC: Just hit the damn 'Start' button.
   Crew: We can't do that. It didn't load a mouse
   JSC: Didn't load any mouse at all?
   Crew: Well, yeah, a PS/2 or something. But we don't have one of those
   JSC: Okay. Press Alt + Esc.
   Crew: And what does that do?
   JSC: It should help.
   Crew: Negative
   JSC: Stand by, will replicate the problem down here.
   Crew: Roger
   Long pause
   JSC: Okay then. Double click the MS-DOS icon.
   Crew: I don't have a mouse
   JSC: Go to backup.
   Crew: Which is what?
   JSC: Dock with the Russians. They have a Unix Workstation you can
   borrow.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 13:57:10 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Tragedy...? (off. to Clinton fans)

 Bill Clinton is visiting a school.  In one class, he asks the students if
anyone can give him an example of a TRAGEDY.  One little boy stands up and
offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street
when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY."

 "No," Clinton says, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

 A girl raises her hand.  "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a
cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a TRAGEDY."

 "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton.  "That is what we would call a GREAT
LOSS."

  The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.  "What?" asks
Clinton.  "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"

 Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand.  In a timid voice, he speaks, "If
an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT
would be a TRAGEDY."

 "Wonderful!" Clinton beams.  "Marvelous!  And can you tell me WHY that would
be a TRAGEDY?"

 "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly
would be no GREAT LOSS!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 17:59:30 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Beer Minded

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned Irving Michaels,
age 27.  The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the
beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots
the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe
some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck.  Determined to terminate the
animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the
pipe, intending to smoke the animal out.  After several unsuccessful
attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel
can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail.  Not one to
admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide
feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match.

The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the
way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the
angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to
witness Joseph McFadden, 31.  Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his
own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front
lawn.  In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a
Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,
"Followed by a loud thud.".  Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries.

"It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot
someone out of a cannon at the circus.  I'd do it again if I was sure I
wouldn't get hurt."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 15:06:23 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: older women...

Thanks to gingersnap, Connie J. Crew and Ben Franklin

--An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask
  you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
--An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is
  still hoping the guy might have one on him.
--An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12
  beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
--The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man
  gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young
  guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
--An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without
  looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true
  of younger women or drag queens.
--Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
--An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already
  attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about
  committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy,
  whiny, dependent man.
--Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are
  an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing,
  just in case it means you might break up with her.
--An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the
  two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you
  will probably be the last to know...
--Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you
  when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
--An older woman will never accuse you of "using her."  She's using you!
--Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you
  up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone,
  for you to call...
--Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut
  Take out.
--An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger
  woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get
  any ideas...
--Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair,
  because somehow they always know.
--Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they
  have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear
  underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a
  strip-tease.
--Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
--An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
  Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they
  might possibly boff later.
--Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with
  you in the middle of the night in a public park.
--Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12
  beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to
  grasp this fact.
--An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to
  screw you too.
--An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an
  amusement ride.
--An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her
  youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 00:25:00 GMT0
From:    "Mr. John" <squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK>
Subject: Titanic

	Spoiler alert!!!

I went to see Titanic last night...

It sinks!


www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 18:12:37 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limerick < suitable for all >

There was a man from Bengal,
Who went to a fancy dress ball,
He went just for fun,
Dressed as a bun,
And was swallowed by a dog in the hall.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 7 Feb 1998 01:19:53 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The cowboys (some language)

An English professor and his son recently moved to Texas.
One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through
the park. During the walk the boy sees two cowboys go by.

"Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that
is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the
boy yells, "Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!"

The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told
you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else."

Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and
once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"

"That's it!" the father yells, and takes the kid home and locks
him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.

Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken
to speaking in verse like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed
the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk
through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are
these / whose balls hang in parentheses?"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 1998 to 7 Feb 1998
**********************************************

