HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1998 to 6 Feb 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 471 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sense and Nonsense <adult humor>
  2. possibly offensive to lawyers, but no offensive language
  3. The Wish <sexual content>
  4. <No subject given>
  5. Limerick <adult rated, offensive>
  6. Down in front
  7. More-gasms & a Clinton quip (sexual content)
  8. Top 8 sexual jokes (need I say more) part 2 of 2
  9. les escargots <inoff.>
 10. Snails
 11. Ironic observations & questions
 12. Limerick < adult rated, offensive to Blacks >
 13. Why DO Marriages Fail? <clean>
 14. For all those coffee fanatics:

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Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 03:40:32 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sense and Nonsense <adult humor>

*   Back when Australia was but a penal colony, the British
  would scout the area more out of curiosity than anything else.
  On one such incursion, a Sergeant was crawling back to the
  beach with approximately 7 spears protruding from various
  parts of his body.
    The Captain, looking down at the bleeding man barked, "What
  have you to report Sergeant Maxwell ?"
    "Well sir, the way I figure it Captain, the Aborigines sense
  an acute infringement of their territorial imperative and are
  reacting with aggressive anti-establishment behavior and open
  hostility towards the Empire and its delegations."
                                - - - - -

* And then there was the old gentleman who had a massive stroke.
  It made him quite popular with the women at the Sun City orgies.
                                - - - - -

*   One frigid morning in North Dakota a man turned up at work
  much the worse for wear.  "I didn't sleep a wink." he told a
  co-worker. "I was up all night trying to keep my wife's begonia
  covered against the freezing cold."
    "I should be so lucky." his co-worker replied. "When it's this
  cold my wife wears so damn many clothes to bed, I can never get
  anywhere near her begonia."
                                - - - - -

*   "Three nights a week out with the boys -- man did the wife and
  I have an argument about that last night !" said the man sitting
  at the bar.
    "How did it come out ?" asked one of his drinking buddies.
    "She agreed she'd cut it down to two." the first man replied.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 06:11:26 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: possibly offensive to lawyers, but no offensive language

Uncle Walt, one of the deans of the RELHUMOR-LIST, came up with these.

                              The State of
                                  Texas
                     Attorney Season and Bag Limits

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Texas state hunting and fishing license may
   harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The use of
   currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If accidentally
   struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from all-terrain
   vehicles, helicopters, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free
   Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards
   of a BMW dealership.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, one hundred (100)
   dollar bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards
   of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
   ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to
   hunt, trap, or possess it.
      A.  NB: An attorney which demonstrates clear "rogue" behavior in
      public office is exempted from this restriction, unless said
      attorney occupies the office of President of the United States
      of America or Governor of Texas.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a State Health Department
    inspection for AIDS, rabies, or vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter,
    drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie,
    or tax accountant for the purpose of enticing, entrapping, ensnaring,
    or harvesting attorneys.

1300.02 BAG LIMITS

     VARMINT                                      DAILY/SEASONAL LIMIT

1.   Yellow Bellied Sidewinder. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/4
2.   Two-faced Tort Feasor. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1/3
3.   Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4/7
4.   Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) . . . . . . . . . . .3/7
5.   Big-mouthed Pub Gut. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/5
6.   Honest Attorney. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .EXTINCT (Sadly)
7.   Cut-throat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/6
8.   Weaseling Whiner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/6
9.   Brown-nosed Judge Kisser . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/6
10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender . . . . . . . . $500 Bounty/NO LIMIT
11.  Ruby-slippered Civil Libertarian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7/22
12.  Rogue Politico . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OPEN SEASON/NO LIMIT

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 13:13:39 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Wish <sexual content>

Every morning on the beach the crowd was startled to see a jogger with
the build of a pro football player but with a head the size of a
baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him
and ask "What happened to give you such a small head?" The jogger
sadly told the story of how he found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed
it and a beautiful female genie came out. She said, "I can give you
one wish, would you like a quick screw or a little head?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 07:07:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: <No subject given>

 Sleeping  Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I
 am the most beautiful person  in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
 "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. I am the smallest
 person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No,  you're not," said Sleeping
 Beauty and Don Juan "I've had more lovers than any person in the world,"
 announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping
 Beauty.

 Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
 mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
 world, would be ideal.  Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his
 palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

 Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I
 am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

 Then Tom Thumb went in and also quickly came out proudly shouting: "I am
 the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."

 In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
 half day later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell
 is Bill Clinton"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 05:40:52 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limerick <adult rated, offensive>

There was a homo from Khartoum,
Who took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night,
As to who had the right,
To do what, how and with whom.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 09:40:03 EST
From:    Wayne Wood <wayne@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Down in front

>From a friend who claims to be an expert on these matters:

It is an established medical fact that there is not enough blood in
an adult male for the brain and the penis to work properly at the
same time.  It does not matter who you are, for even the president
this is a fact of life. So any time the president's willie becomes
welled, the presidential brain is not functioning and national
security is at risk.  Enter a highly trained intern to quickly
administer the steps necessary to divert the blood flow back to the
brain as quickly as possible, to enable the president to effectively
concentrate on matters of national importance. The presence of such
competent interns in the White House may explain the president's
good performance and high popularity, but mostly you just hear about
his significant other.  The truth of the matter is, it's not the
lady BEHIND him who makes him great, it's the one DOWN IN FRONT!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 11:47:35 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: More-gasms & a Clinton quip (sexual content)

Sex that hurts - sore-gasms
Sex on the mall - store-gasms
Sex on the threshold - door-gasms
Sex with mushrooms - spore-gasms
Sex with French lobsters - Thermador-gasms
Sex with dehydrated soups - Knorr-gasms
Sex while you're doing odd jobs - chore-gasms

AND

Sex with oneself - Your-gasms

		-------------

>From *Bagehot* in this week's issue of The Economist:

"Forget sex, lies and audiotapes: to a British observer, the extraordinary
revelation in the coverage of the Bill Clinton affair was the report that the
White House employed 250 interns. With so many competitors for the president's
ear, no wonder some of them are alleged to focus on other parts of his
anatomy."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 15:11:38 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Top 8 sexual jokes (need I say more) part 2 of 2

			Number... 4
    A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a
 coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left
 breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a
 sigh.
    The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign
 and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there
 is any reaction.  The husband went in and rubbed her right breast.
 This produced a moan from his wife.
    He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing
 and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go
 in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal
 act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed.
    The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a
 sheet.  He told the doctor his wife is dead.  The doctor asked what
 happen to which the man replied, "She choked."

			 Number... 3
    A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put
 the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
 "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
 genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
 He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return
 for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
    The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
 dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open
 mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute,
 the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top
 of its head.
    The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital,
 unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
 drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
    "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."  A hush fell
 over the crowd.  After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
 A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to
 hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

			 Number... 2
    A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed
 a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down
 upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
 dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."  The small
 guy fainted!!
    The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him
 to, slapping his face and shaking him.  He asked the small white guy,
 "What's wrong?"
    Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
    The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
 Brown"
    The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God!  I thought you said 'Turn
 around!!'"

			 Number...1
 What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
   "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 18:39:34 EST
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: les escargots <inoff.>

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the
beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down
the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little
further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket,
and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when
he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a
very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all
this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then
back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 18:05:13 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Snails

Sammy and Ralph were two snails who lived next door to each other
and were very good friends.  They looked so similar they could
have been brothers.  They were very competitive, and would spend
their days pretending to be race cars.  One bright day, they were
arguing about their speeding prowess, when another of their
friends suggested they race each other on a nearby road.  They
both thought that was a marvelous idea.  So, a whole group of
snails followed the two out to the road, and settled themselves
down to watch the race.  Now, Sammy was a very considerate snail,
and thought that the snails in the stands would like to be able
to tell which snail was which, so he painted a gigantic S on his
back.  The race began, and Sammy was in the lead.  Then, inch by
inch, Ralph crept past him until he was in the lead!  Sammy was
moving as fast as he could, until, finally, with a great burst of
speed, he flew by Ralph -- while the snails in the stand were
shouting, "S car go!  S car go!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 21:48:44 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ironic observations & questions

Selected from http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
Atlanta Journal/Constitution's The Vent column.


I always wanted to be somebody, but I should ahve been more specific.

People are like toes. There are many in the world, but only a few you
can count on.

My wife always told me not to get caught messing around with someone
I would be ashamed to be seen in court with.

A new survey has determined that 78 percent of the citizens
complaining about Clinton's affairs are too ugly to have one of their
own.

Would somebody please give Linda Tripp the telephone number of Paula
Jones' hairdresser?

I don't care what Bill Clinton does with Paula Jones as long as he
takes care of Dow Jones.

Monica is the only one up there who is telling the truth when she
says she always lies.

I saw this billboard that said, "Come see how we fly." Don't they
still use those big shiny airplanes.

Why is it so difficult for me to listen to easy listening music?

I severely bruised my heel when I stepped on my alarm clock that had
fallen off the table. I guess you could say that time wounds all heels.

As soon as I can get some big hair, I'm going to go to Washington,
make a name for myself, and also some money.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 19:03:21 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limerick < adult rated, offensive to Blacks >

There was a lass called Starkie,
Who married a Darkie,
She gave birth to kids,
Not one but four,
One white, one black, two khakhi.*

(* British for brownish)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 6 Feb 1998 09:29:24 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Why DO Marriages Fail? <clean>

Q.Why is the bride ALWAYS out of luck on the Wedding Day?

A.She NEVER gets the Best Man....

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Date:    Thu, 5 Feb 1998 22:08:22 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: For all those coffee fanatics:

Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1998 to 6 Feb 1998
**********************************************

