HUMOR Digest - 3 Feb 1998 to 4 Feb 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 635 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Squawks and responses <off. to pilots>
  2. Sex in the 90's <adult humor>
  3. Parenthood <May be off to us Catholics>
  4. bullets <mildly risque>; carrots <inoff>
  5. Limericks < adult rated, offensive to Tamils>
  6. Good ol' Edison
  7. does anyone know what happen to the giggles list?
  8. Brickbat: Cynical forms of humor
  9. Tobakey Wisdom (not off)
 10. FW: Work vs. Prison
 11. Pt 1 of 4 <off. to various nationalities>
 12. Humor - Smart Pig (off. to stupid dogs)
 13. <sexual>
 14. Saw Shadow...(off. to Republicans)

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Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 09:35:28 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Squawks and responses <off. to pilots>

Well Jim, If whatshisname Phil saw his shadow, does that mean that those
of living down south get 6 more weeks of summer?
______________________________

    Here are some apparently actual maintenance complaints submitted by
 US Air  Force  pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
 "Squawks" are problem  listings   that pilots generally leave for
 maintenance crews.

    Problem:  Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    Signed Off:  Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    Problem:  Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
    Signed Off:  Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

    Problem #1:  Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
    Signed Off:  Number 2 propeller seepage normal.
    Problem #2:  Propellers 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.

    Problem:  The autopilot doesn't.
    Signed Off:  It does now.

    Problem:  Something loose in cockpit.
    Signed Off:  Something tightened in cockpit.

    Problem:  Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
    Signed Off:  Evidence removed.

    Problem:  Number 3 engine missing.
    Signed Off:  Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    Problem:  DME volume unbelievably loud.
    Signed Off:  Volume set to more believable level.

    Problem:  Dead bugs on windshield.
    Signed Off:  Live bugs on order.

    Problem:  Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 foot per
              minute descent.
    Signed Off:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    Problem:  IFF inoperative.
    Signed Off:  IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

    Problem:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    Signed Off:  That's what they're there for.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 04:41:25 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sex in the 90's <adult humor>

*   Upon returning from a date in the early morning hours, a
  coed woke her roommate up to announce that she was engaged.
    "Oh how wonderful !" gushed the rather romantic roomie.
  "Did he get down on his knees to propose ?"
    "Well... not exactly.  But at least he got up on his elbows
  to do it."
                                - - - - -

*   "I tell ya Marge" said the Naval Aviator's wife.  "When Jim's
  home on leave, sex is more like football coverage in reverse."
    "How's that ???" asked Marge.
    "Instant foreplay !" responded the distraught wife.
                                - - - - -

*   "Momma," said the bride-to-be, "there's something I've been
  meaning to ask you."
    "Yes, I know dear," responded the Mother lovingly, "and I've
  been waiting.  Shortly you will discover all the joys of love
  with your husband.  First, let me explain..."
    "Ma !  Wait !" said the girl.  "I already know all about makin'
  love & all, I just want to know how to make lasagna like you do."
                                - - - - -

*   "Did you go the limit with Frank ?" asked the younger sister of
  her sibling as she slipped into bed after a late nite date.
    "Well... at least we went Frank's." sighed her sister.
                                - - - - -

*   The travlin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and
  after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had.  Later,
  they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel.  As
  they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have
  the biggest of everything."
    The girl only nodded and smiled.
    As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady.
  What part of Texas y'all from ?"


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 12:36:15 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Parenthood <May be off to us Catholics>

John Paul II died and went to heaven.  St Peter met him at the gate
and said: "John Paul, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth,
we'd like to do something special for you.  You name it; it's yours."

John Paul thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience
with the Holy Mother."  St Peter told him it would be arranged.

On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John Paul to the Holy
Mother's sanctuary.  John Paul went before Her, knelt, and said:

"Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have
granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times.  But I
have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In
all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures
that were carved of you, you always looked so sad.  Why is that?"

Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips.  Then she said:
"I always wanted a girl."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 07:17:30 EST
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: bullets <mildly risque>; carrots <inoff>

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available
 teller.  Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three
 times in the stomach.  She was rushed to the hospital where she was
 fixed up.  As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.  The doctor
 says "Oh! You're going to have triplets.  They're fine but each one has
 a bullet lodged in its stomach.  Don't worry though the bullets will
 pass through their system through normal bodily functions."

 As time goes on the woman has three children.  Two girls and a boy.
 Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says
 "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!".  Her mother asks her what
 happened and her daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet".
 The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

 A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears stream-
 ing from her eyes.  "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!", the mother
 says "Let me guess.  You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?".  The
 daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes.  How did you
 know?".  The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident
 at the bank.

 A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad
 thing!".  "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No, I was
 masturbating and I shot the dog."
                     ------------------------------------

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck
 slammed into one of them.  An ambulance was called and they rushed the
 little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours
 of surgery.  Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot
 who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room.  "Tell me Doc, how
 is he?"

 The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news.  The
 good news is he's going to live.  The bad news is we're pretty sure he's
 going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 06:23:46 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limericks < adult rated, offensive to Tamils>

>From Delhi Road,

A tale of woe,
Of a dark and pretty Tamil doe,
Raped by a crowd,
She murmured,quite aloud,
Aday, have another go!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 08:54:36 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Good ol' Edison

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
                -- Thomas Edison

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 2 Feb 1998 12:03:37 -0600
From:    Chad Amundsen <goldskul@MC.NET>
Subject: Re: does anyone know what happen to the giggles list?

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 12:00:06 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbat: Cynical forms of humor

They've had it wrong all these years. It is the lack of money that is
the root of all evil.

People are so upset about cloning because it means that women no
longer need for anything.

I'd get an air bag cut-off switch if my mother-in-law would wear it.

Now that the film "Titanic" has been such a megahit, will Hollywood
figure out a way to make "Titanic 2: The Sequel"?

I wonder why so many fast food restaurant employees become
vegetarians?

Sincerity is the key to success. Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.

I make a living breaking into peoples' houses and I wish you people
would just leave our parole benefits alone.

Homeowners' association appear to be made up of a small group of
people who think they are better than other people.

Do those companies that call you up and have a computer ask you to
hold the line really think you are going to do it?

I just can't stand people who are intolerant.

You know you're getting old when beautiful young women start calling
you "sweetie" and "honeybun."

source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 09:46:32 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Tobakey Wisdom (not off)

DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON:
A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE.

Crisis management principle:
   1. Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
      from bad judgement.
   2. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin'
      it back.

Negotiation principle:
   1. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

Other Guidelines:
   If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
   then to make sure it's still there.

   If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
   orderin' somebody else's dog around.

   Never ask a man the size of his spread.  (and I don't recommend
   askin a lady the same question.)

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
   roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
   The moral:  When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

   There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

   Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is
   probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'

   Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

   It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

   Always drink upstream from the herd.

   When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't
   be surprised if they learn their lesson.

   When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
   around by somebody else.

   Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
   important to know what it is, but it's you might need to know
   what it was.

   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
   back in your pocket.

   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 09:46:53 -0800
From:    Nathan Sherman <nathans@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject: FW: Work vs. Prison

  In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
  At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

  In prison you get three meals a day.
  At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that
  one.

  In prison you get time off for good behavior.
  At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

  In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
  At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
  doors yourself.

  In prison you can watch TV and play games.
  At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

  In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
  At work you are just ball-and-chained.

  In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
  At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

  In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
  At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
  deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

  In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
  inside wanting to get out.
  At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

  In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
  At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

  In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
  At work we have managers.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 16:34:52 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Pt 1 of 4 <off. to various nationalities>

Subject: SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY NATIONALILITY
>From my friend, Bob

 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
 2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.
 6. You can test your own nuclear Weapons in other people's countries
 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your famous street humiliating
    your sense of national pride
 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just go in the street
10. People think you're a great lover ,even when you're not

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
 1. You can have a woman president without electing her
 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
 3. You can call Budweiser "beer"
 4. You can be a crook and still be president
 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
 7. You don't have to be a terrorist, a raving arab, or a militant
    communist to threaten the Presidency.  Just need to be reasonably
    cute, young, and willing!
 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
    seems to care.
 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
    a. when you're not.
    b. At all.


More coming tomorrow.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 19:01:20 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Smart Pig (off. to stupid dogs)

          Pet Pig Awakens New Jersey Couple to Fire

  RAMSEY, N.J., Feb 2 (Reuters) - A potbellied pig named Honeymoon came to
the rescue of a New Jersey couple on Monday, waking them to warn of a fire
in their home.

 Flames broke out about 8 a.m. EST (1300 GMT) in the laundry room of the
home of Pam and Fred Abma in Ramsey, New Jersey, Pam Abma said.

 The couple was asleep, but the persistent pig scratched at their bedroom
door until they awoke, she said. ``That little pig saved our lives,'' she
said. ``Our two dogs just slept through the whole thing.

 ``Honey was the only one who smelled the smoke,'' she said. ``The dogs
were clueless.''

 The fire was quickly put out by the local fire department. ``Pigs are a
lot smarter than dogs, clearly,'' said Fred Abma, who owns a landscape
business. ``And it was lucky for us.''

 Honeymoon earned his name when the couple bought him on their wedding trip.

 Honeymoon, who is 18 months old and weighs about 100 pounds (46 kg), would
be getting an extra special dinner, the couple said.

 Copyright 1998 Reuters.


Note: Some may wonder how many couples take a pet pig on their honeymoon.-

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 3 Feb 1998 18:48:13 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: <sexual>

A lady approached a guy at the bar and said " Hi Ya stud, Can you give me a
full eight inches and make me bleed?"

"Sure, lets go to a hotel"

The get to the room and she says"give it to me baby"

So he fucked her twice then punched her in the nose.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 4 Feb 1998 00:39:26 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Saw Shadow...(off. to Republicans)

Special prosecutor Kenneth Starr came up out of the sewer yesterday
and saw his shadow.

This means there will be six more weeks of subpoenas

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Feb 1998 to 4 Feb 1998
**********************************************

