HUMOR Digest - 31 Jan 1998 to 1 Feb 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 279 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women Drivers
  2. Another Clinton joke <off. only to those who think Clinton's been
     faithful>
  3. Three funnies <adult>
  4. LEWINSKY LOOK-A-LIKE HOLDS WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE
  5. The Dog Fight...

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Date:    Sat, 31 Jan 1998 03:08:48 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women Drivers

* Woman driver to Highway Patrolman:  "If you must know, I was
  speeding to get off your radar screen."
                                - - - - -

* Columbia Yuppette to Howard County Policeman: "Are you supposed
  to warn me of my rights, or am I supposed to tell you that my
  nephew is the County Executive ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A sweet "Everybody's Grandmother" type elected to stand trial
  for a ticket she received.  The officer charged her with failure
  to proceed without due caution through an intersection controlled
  by a flashing yellow traffic signal.
    At the trial, she told the judge: "I've always hurried thru that
  intersection to get out of the way of reckless drivers."
                                - - - - -

* Woman driver to traffic cop: "Does this ticket cancel the one I
  got earlier this morning ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A knock-out blonde was driving thru Washington DC and made
  an illegal left turn.  The traffic cop had to blow his whistle
  vigorously and repeatedly before she finally stopped.
    "Didn't you hear my whistle lady ?" he demanded.
    Wide-eyed and innocent, the blonde batted her eyelashes and
  said, "Yes indeed I did.  But I never flirt while driving."
                                - - - - -

* Ticket writing motorcycle policeman to Yuppette in a Corvette:
  "Perhaps you weren't doing a hundred.  However, I'm going to
  reward you for giving it a good try."
                                - - - - -

* A stewardess, stopped for doing 80, told the officer: "I can't
  understand it.  I must have had a 20 mile-an-hour tailwind."

www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 31 Jan 1998 11:09:25 EST
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Another Clinton joke <off. only to those who think Clinton's been
         faithful>

Q:  What do you get Bill for his birthday?
A:   Candy.  He already had Flowers

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 31 Jan 1998 02:43:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Three funnies <adult>

A Polish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from  the bedroom.  He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on
the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.  "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!  Daddy!  Uncle Ted's hiding in
your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his  screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.  Sure enough,
there is his  brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You rat," says  the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around  with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
			*********************

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She goes back  to find out what's up.  he's quite embarrassed and
whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite
itchy.   The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone
his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.  He does this and
returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a
general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis
hanging out.
I thought i told you to call your mom, she says.   I did, he says, and
she told me that if i could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick
me up  from school.
			*********************

Bill & George were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink
or three.  After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bill
came up with a brilliant strategy.

"I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage,
which he stuck in George's fly.

They then went to a nearby hotel.  "Two beers", said Bill to the
bartender.  They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender
waited for the money.  All of a sudden, Bill got down on his knees and
began sucking the sausage hanging out of George's fly.  "Get out of my
pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out
the door.

They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more.

"I just can't do this anymore", Bill whined.  "My knees are getting sore
from kneeling down on the floor so much."

"It's all right for you", George replied.  "We lost the sausage after
the third pub."


---
Cogito Ergo Spud - I think therefore I yam

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 31 Jan 1998 15:26:45 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: LEWINSKY LOOK-A-LIKE HOLDS WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE

Saturday, 31 January 1998 (Washington, D.C.) A bedeviled White House press
secretary Mike McCurry arranged for a Monica Lewinsky look-a-like Kate
Reed, to hold a press conference in the White House press room. McCurry
explained that he had to give the press something to write. He was
painfully bitten twice yesterday by reporters having a unsatiated Friday
feeding frenzy.

Press: Monica, how many times have you had sex with Bill Clinton?

Monica: Never! I would consider him if he was single, asked me nice like
and brought me a nice dress from Nieman-Marcus. I've always thought he was
a hunk.

Header: NEW BIMBO SAYS SHE'S WANTS CLINTON

Press: Are you Monica Lewinsky?

Monica: No. I'm Kate Reed. I'm from Reston, Virginia. I only look like
Monica Lewinsky.

Header: WHO IS THE NEW BIMBO? ANOTHER WHITE HOUSE SMOKE SCREEN

Press: Did President Clinton advise you to change your name?

Monica: No, I've never met President Clinton. My name is Kate Reed. I'm
sure the President would want me to use my real name.

Header: CLINTON SAID TO HAVE ADVISED WOMAN DON'T CALL YOURSELF LEWINSKY

Press: Have you been subpoenaed to testify before the Whitewater grand jury?

Monica: I have not been summoned and I hope I will not be called. I have
nothing material to provide the Whitewater grand jury.

Header: FAKE MONICA TO ADOPT STONEWALL STRATEGY

Press: Will you testify voluntarily to the grand jury, or are you going to
demand immunity?

Monica: I would want complete immunity. I understand that Kenneth Starr
wants to hold me in contempt of court because I go out into public looking
like Monica Lewinsky.

Header: ANOTHER WOMAN SEEKS IMMUNITY IN CLINTON SEX SCANDAL

Press: Who is your lawyer?

Monica: I don't have a lawyer.

McCurry: Maybe you should find a lawyer who looks like William Ginsburg.
(Laughter)

Header: WH PRESS SECRETARY ADVISES BIMBO TO GET LAWYER

Monica: Well, I don't know anybody who looks like Mr. Ginsburg. I have a
uncle to runs a drug store outside of Richmond. He sorta looks like James
Carville.

Header: CARVILLE LINKED TO DRUGS IN EXPANDING CLINTON SEX SCANDAL

Press: Have you ever talked with Linda Tripp?

Monica: Yes, a woman calling herself Linda Tripp started calling me shortly
after I mailed in my Rutherford sex questionnaire. I thought she was
terribly forward. All she wanted to talk about was having sex with Bill
Clinton and Al Gore. She told me they'd had a threesome. I knew better than
to believe her.

CREDIBLE EVIDENCE OF GORE SEXUAL FANTASY; SHOCKED KENNETH STARR ASKS FBI TO
INVESTIGATE

Press: Do you agree with Mrs. Clinton that there is a right-wing conspiracy
to destroy President Clinton?

Monica: Well, I brought Hillary's nice book as a Christmas present for
granny. She said it was a real good book. I suspect Mrs. Clinton knows what
she's talking about.

Header: LATEST BIMBO SYMPATHIZES WITH HILLARY'S PARANOIA

Press: Mike, will President Clinton visit with Ms. Reed before she leaves
the White House.

McCurry: No, he will not. The President isn't even aware of Ms. Reed's
press conference. He has a full schedule today and he would not be able to
meet Ms. Reed in any case.

Header: CLINTON AVOIDING FAKE LEWINSKY

For a complete transcript:
http://moon.internetnews.inc/fake.press.conf/parody.htm
All rights reserved.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 31 Jan 1998 22:00:31 -0500
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <tnessen@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: The Dog Fight...

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world
and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The
losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in
the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.  They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his
siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and
after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get
near it.  When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with
a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.  Everyone felt sorry
for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and
leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund.  But, when it
got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at
all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We
don't understand how this could have happened.  We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in
the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Jan 1998 to 1 Feb 1998
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