HUMOR Digest - 30 Jan 1998 to 31 Jan 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 381 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. bus gag <suggestive>
  2. Another Clinton joke <not too terribly tasteless>
  3. Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report
  4. You asked for it!
  5. Joke (Risque)
  6. Fw: Dr. Seuss on Fornigate
  7. Life as an American (not off)
  8. Kennedy & Clinton (offensive to Kennedy supporters?)
  9. Which Hole
 10. Brickbat: humor is an unsophicated format

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Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 23:03:08 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: bus gag <suggestive>

This is from an actual trial in the UK (or at least that is the myth that
came with the joke).

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked
why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read
"Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that
read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement
which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth
move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber
would have prevented this accident."

The case was dismissed.

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Date:    Fri, 30 Jan 1998 07:54:25 EST
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Another Clinton joke <not too terribly tasteless>

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich get caught up in a  twister
and end up in Oz.  When the dust settles and they realize where they
are, Quayle says, "I'm going to see the Wizard to ask for a brain".
Gingrich adds, "And I'm going to ask for a heart".
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy".

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Date:    Fri, 30 Jan 1998 10:49:10 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report

 Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report

 10. Truly an eager beaver.
 9. Uses too much teeth.
 8. Stays late, comes early.
 7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never
 missed a period.
 6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
 5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
 4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
 3. "In box" is always clean and shiny.
 2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
 1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.

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Date:    Fri, 30 Jan 1998 13:30:52 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: You asked for it!

 See how a misplaced phrase can change the entire meaning of something.
 The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by
 physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D.,
 for the Journal of Court Reporting.

 * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was
   feeling better.

 *Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 *The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to
  his feet.

 *On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
  completely disappeared.

 *She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
  very hot in bed last night.

 *The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

 *I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

 *Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have
  suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he
  stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

 *The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be
  depressed.

 *Discharge status: Alive but without permission.  The patient will need
  disposition and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

 *Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
  forgetful.

 *The patient refused an autopsy.

 *The patient has no past history of suicides.

 *The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

 *Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

 *Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

 *The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
  with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 *She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
  directions in early December.

 *The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with
  a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which
  gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

 *The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
  original complaints.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Jan 1998 16:31:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Joke (Risque)

A man goes to the Doctor's and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole", give
the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool
with the next door neighbour's wife who gives me a blow job during the
ride to work. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time
I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young
office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a
good bonking. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the
missus another screw."
"Well", said the doctor, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate..."

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Date:    Fri, 30 Jan 1998 16:56:06 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Fw: Dr. Seuss on Fornigate

Mr Starr:
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

Mr Clinton:
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join -- even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!

Mr Starr:
Did you smile?
Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

Mr. Clinton:
That is it, you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!

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Date:    Fri, 30 Jan 1998 16:02:02 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Life as an American (not off)

I don't know where this is from or who wrote it.

Americans yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the
last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5
years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car
if it can't go over 100 miles per hour.

We know the line up of every baseball team in the American and National
Leagues but mumble through half the words in the Star Spangled Banner.

We will spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live
longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for
lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We whip any enemy in battle, them give them the shirt off of our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move to town where we can make
more money so we can move back on the farm.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with
our yearning power.

We get upset we are spending over a billion dollars for education, but
spend three billion dollars a year on cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we
are out at the game, mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are one of the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still
can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and
still have more divorces.

We are the country with more food to eat than any other country in the
world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

Having said all of that, I am still very proud to be an American!!

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Date:    Fri, 30 Jan 1998 17:09:23 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Kennedy & Clinton (offensive to Kennedy supporters?)

What did Ted Kennedy say to Bill Clinton the other day?

"Bill, if that Monica broad gives you any more trouble, just let me know
and I'll give her a ride home some night."

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 16:58:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Which Hole

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business
meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time
before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course
from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech
and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he
saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the
situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She
replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must
be on the 6th hole".  He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again
with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her and returned
to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course
often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation  for
your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also.  What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"


---
Whitewater isn't over until the First Lady sings!

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Date:    Fri, 30 Jan 1998 22:55:16 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbat: humor is an unsophicated format

Why is it, that the givers of this world, always get taken?

If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both
be happy.

There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots
include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are
everyone that drives faster than me.

I'm different.

I guess we can't expect Clinton to go skiing since he can't even walk
down steps without failing down.

So many politicians, so few ski slopes.

It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't remember which one
gets tied up first.

Jesus love you. Everyone else thinks your an idiot.

Sign being held by a panhandler: "Why lie, need a beer"

Why is it that the only times your cat will use the litter box is
right after you have changed the litter or just as the company rings
the doorbell?

Are people getting more stupid or are we noticing more as we age?

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.

You might be a Redneck if ... you push your wife in the line of fire
to protect your dog.

A recent news report says people with more education get less sex. So
my education is to blame. I always thought my lack of sex was because
of my wife.

New Alabama license plate slogan--"Literacy ain't everything."

IRS official slogan: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

I've made three notable mistakes in my life. Marrying and divorcing
two women and proposing to a third.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Jan 1998 to 31 Jan 1998
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