HUMOR Digest - 29 Jan 1998 to 30 Jan 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 671 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Wanna go for a swim?<inoff.adult humor>
  2. To Testify <adult>
  3. Humor:offensive to women,Clinton
  4. Top5 - 1/29/98 - Your White House Internship (fwd)
  5. Sex-lovin' couple  <risque>
  6. Cute humour  (not off.)
  7. New Executive Department <adult theme>
  8. *Leroy*
  9. Sling-shots: Cynical observations and questions
 10. Getting to the top <One Offensive Word>
 11. A Skier's Dictionary

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Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 09:11:36 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Wanna go for a swim?<inoff.adult humor>

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it
to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Casher- "Well they must be for your sister then?"
Nine year old - "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now- "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister,
who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one
of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do
either of them"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 11:38:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: To Testify <adult>

Last week, I posted the etymology of "testify" (based on men in Roman
courts swearing to a statement made, by swearing on their testicles).

This posting, possibly because of its highly topical nature, stirred
a number of responses and I thought of making a collage of the funniest
ones and share it with you.

* Jim Mica, with an erudite question:
    The modal frequency for testicles is two.  There are two "testaments"
    in the Bible (old and new) and there is also "inter-testamental
    material" which is usually call the Apocrypha.  So, should I conclude
    from this line of reasoning that your inter-testicle region is apocryphal?

* Mike, straight to the point:
    Q. What did the Roman judge say to a witness when he did not believe
       the testimony?
    A. "Balls!"

* Paul mused:
    I wonder why some many Romans were called Gaius?

* Alan sent something to be sung to the tune, "I GOT YOU, BALLS"
    <snip>
    Thank you Alan, a valiant effort, ballsy, in fact.

* Amy, very apropos:
     ... so I suppose that in the sexist Roman courts, a woman's testimony
         carried no weight?

Au contraire, Amy, women's testimony carried considerable weight.
In fact, Roman judges quite liked and welcomed women's testimony.
The procedure was different, however. In a Roman court a woman was
required to hold a part of the judge's body, but in her mouth, rather
than in her hands. This was known as "oral testimony", an expression
that has survived to these days, although the advent of prudish
Christianity has somewhat changed the way in which it is given and
deprived the judges of what was regarded in those days as a perk.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 09:55:11 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:offensive to women,Clinton

APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERN
--------------------------------------------------------------

BASIC INFORMATION:
Name:  ___ (Honey) ___ (Sweetie) ___ (Babe) (check all applicable)

Age: ___ (21 or under) ___ (not eligible) (check only one)

Sex: _______(Y/N)

Dress size: _______

EDUCATION AND GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
How many men did you date in college? ___

Typically, what did you do on a first date?
(A) Sex
(B) Oral sex
(C) Both
(D) None of the above
(If answer is D, please disregard remainder of application)

Define "adultery":
(A) Sexual intercourse, including actual penetration and ejaculation,
    between a married person and someone other than that person's spouse.
(B) Anything less
    (Hint, answer is "A")

Which of the following do not fit within the technical definition of
"improper relationship": (circle all applicable)
(A) An elected official having sex with a 21-year old in the White
    House while his wife is in the next room
(B) An elected official using law enforcement officers to solicit dates
    for him

What do you think of the novel Lolita?

Have you studied the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution?

OFFICE SKILLS:
Please circle all skills you possess:
(A) Discretion
(B) Lying under oath
(C) Evading service of process
(D) Big breasts

Typing speed:  ___ (if unknown, substitute bra size)

Do you know how to check for a wiretap? ___

PERSONAL:
Do you have a younger sister? ___

Describe the type of men you prefer to date:
(A) Young, athletic, intelligent, and filled with integrity
(B) Fat pedophiles

Do you like cheeseburgers?  ___

Choose the item below that best describes your personality:
(A) Naive, insecure, and trusting
(B) Ineligible for this job

How many drinks does it take for you to lose control of your judgment?

REFERENCES:
Do you know any male member of the Kennedy family?

Do you know Kenneth Starr?


UPON COMPLETION:
Please submit this application along with a writing sample (or your
panties) to the White House Staff Coordinator's office.  You may
receive a telephone call with further questions.  For security reasons,
the telephone caller will not identify himself and will breath heavily.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 10:38:17 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 1/29/98 - Your White House Internship (fwd)

       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                        January 29, 1998

   The Top 16 Signs Your White House Internship Is Going Well

16> The President lets you ride on "Air Force One", if you know
    what I mean.

15> Boss not only implements "Casual Fridays" but also "Topless
    Tuesdays."

14> You've just leapfrogged Al Gore in the line of succession.

13> "Oooh, yeah, baby -- I'll make you a White House Secretary...
    Assistant Chief of Staff... ohhh... Ambassador to Sweden!...
    Supreme Court Justice!!!  Supreme Court Justice!!!"

12> The President has the Secret Service detail your '91 Taurus.

11> Buddy no longer wastes time sniffing both your crotch and the
    President's.

10> After your first "meeting" with "The Boss," you move up 2 tax
    brackets.

 9> As if national publicity, a $1M movie deal, and $10M in
    Democratic hush money wasn't enough, the Paula Jones Foundation
    for Homely Women has donated $20K to you for a full makeover.

 8> You get to sit on Gore's lap during the State of the Union
    Address.

 7> You know the White House like you know the back of the
    President's head.

 6> Your per diem is bigger than Peru's GNP and your only duty is
    to keep silent.

 5> The first lady invites you on a private ski weekend.

 4> The Vice President isn't the only "stiffie" you've seen in the
    White House.

 3> Performance review rated you a "10" in the category "Ability
    to turn-on the president with your hillbilly good looks."

 2> Al Gore's pulse jumps up to 3 when you pass by.

	and the Number 1 Sign Your White House Internship Is Going Well...

 1> It ain't Keats, but for Bubba, "Shall I compare thee to a
    Big Mac" is pretty damn romantic.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 12:32:33 EST
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sex-lovin' couple  <risque>

There was a couple that lived on sex, sex and sex alone.  Every morning
the bloke would wake up, roll over and say to his wife "So honey what is
for breakfast."  She would reply well I am gorgeous why not have me, so
they would have sex for breakfast.  Every lunch time, the husband would
come back home for lunch.  His wife would rip off his clothes and shag him
senseless until it was time for him to return to work.  Every evening he
would come in calling out, "Hi honey I'm home."  His wife would drag him into
the kitchen and make mad passionate love on the kitchen floor.  One evening
he was late home from work.  As he walked in, he called, "Hi honey. I'm home."
There was no answer.  He walked into the living room and towards the hall.  He
found his wife completely stark naked sliding up and down the stair banister.
"What are you doing?" he asked his wife.

She replied "Oh just keeping your dinner warm, love!"

Now that you've enjoyed a good joke, how about a good story?  Join the
ORIGINAL electronic campfire, where you can tell your story or enjoy others'.
Send the message "Subscribe Nerdnosh [Your EMail address]" to
"majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 14:09:03 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Cute humour  (not off.)

 WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

 - "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,and
    you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
     (Judy,8)

 -  "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom,5)


   WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

 -  "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
     gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10)


   WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

 -  "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her
     a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
     wedding." (Jim, 10)

 -  "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
     if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to
     try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)


   THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

 -  "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
     somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)

 -  "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
     don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)


   CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

 -  "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
     with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
      (Jan,9)

 -  "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
     the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)


    ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

 -  "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger,9)

 -  "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't
     want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)


    ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

 -  "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
     it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)

 -  "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
     anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

 -  "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
      (Christine, 9) >

    CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

 -  "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
     good money for them." (Dave, 8)


    CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

 -  "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'
     is on television." (Anita, 6)

 -  "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
     been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep
     finding me." (Bobby, 8)

 -  "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
     enough." (Regina, 10)


    THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

 -  "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you
     have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
      (Ava,8)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 12:07:44 -0800
From:    Nathan Sherman <nathans@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject: New Executive Department <adult theme>

        President Clinton has proposed a new executive department to field
questions from the press and congress regarding recent activities.  He has
submitted the name of Bob Packwood to be the cabinet member to head up the
new Department of Intern Affairs.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 15:30:42 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: *Leroy*

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked  "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 16:57:24 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Sling-shots: Cynical observations and questions

If a couple that gets sentenced to marriage can't get along, do thye
ask for divorce or parole?

If I lick Jerry Garcia postage stamps, will I get stoned?

Hold your wallets, lock your doors, wear your ear plugs, the Congress
is back in session.

My cohorts and I would like to know what a "hort" is?

Reading HUMOR makes you feel like the Navajo who looked across the
desert and saw the mushroom cloud from the first atomic blast. He was
sending smoke signals and he thought, "I wish I'd said that?"

I quit smoking cold turkey. It was too hard cramming it into my pipe.

El Nino ate my homework.

Now that I've remarried, I've discovered my first husband was not the
dumbest man in the world after all.

The economy is doing great, the budget is balanced, and we're not at
war. Yeah, the president has got to go.

I've been posting selected reprints of, most from
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 20:00:13 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Getting to the top <One Offensive Word>

One day a pheasant wandered into a field where a huge bull was grazing.
The pheasant was staring very intently at a tree in the pasture.
Finally the bull said to the pheasant, "Why are you staring at that
tree?"  The bird replied, "Well, I'd like to fly right to the top of it,
but I just don't have the strength."  The bull said, "Why don't you try
eating some of my droppings?" "They are full of nutrients and will make
you very strong and powerful."

The bird was rather skeptical, but started pecking away at some of the
dung in the field. The next day, the pheasant was able to fly into the
lower branches of the tree. Encouraged by this, the bird flew back down
to the ground and ate about twice as many droppings as the day before.
The next day the bird was able to fly to the middle section of the tree,
another significant improvement from the day before. Once again, the
pheasant flew to the ground and ate a tremendous amount of the bull's
dung.

The next day the bird was able to fly to the very top of the tree. The
farmer who owned the land came by in his truck and saw the pheasant
sitting there. He excitedly pulled out a shotgun which he kept in the
truck, took aim and blew the bird away with a double blast!

So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and politicians everywhere:
Please remember this - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 23:44:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: A Skier's Dictionary

>Sent by: Lance Hankins

A Skier's Dictionary

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request
for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An
appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard,
Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the
skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and
so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from
serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO
bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain
snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the
purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't
skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the
ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy
powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the
slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a
flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge
with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your
legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a
banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict
circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity;
they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak
force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which
produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See
Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or
speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with
these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass
falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter
one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor
destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to
encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an
immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream
and a few pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from
the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" -
which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be
quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

Gluttony is not a secret vice

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Jan 1998 to 30 Jan 1998
************************************************

