HUMOR Digest - 28 Jan 1998 to 29 Jan 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 352 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Ripped from the headlines<clean>
  2. The Singh Chronicles..Part 1<offensive to Sikhs and Singhs>
  3. Bumper Stickers
  4. Clinton (obviously risque :-)
  5. Drunken Mick <offensive to handicap Irishmen>
  6. Brickbats: Humor in small packages
  7. Ssshhhh! <more Clinton bashing><sexual innuendo>
  8. <No subject given>
  9. Titles for Clinton Porno Flick <offensive language>
 10. Old McDonald had a ...   <off. to Irish>
 11. Johnny At The Zoo <adult>

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 03:08:13 -0500
From:    Justin <Justincr@SCCTELE.COM>
Subject: Ripped from the headlines<clean>

 ACCRA (Reuters) - Masked vigilantes clubbed and stoned two
 women aged 55 and 60 to death for witchcraft in northern Ghana,
 police said.

 Police in Tamale said they had arrested two men in connection
 with the incident, which took place last Thursday in Kumbungu,
 20 km (12 miles) north of the town.

 Tamale Municipal Police Commander, Isaac Offei, said at least
 seven masked men took part in the attack, which followed the
 death of a young man.

 Deaths from illnesses such as meningitis are often blamed on
 witchcraft in northern Ghana. In smaller towns and villages older
 women are often targeted for reprisals.

 Newspapers reported that several older women had fled
 Kumbungu in fear of their lives.

 During a meningitis epidemic in the area at this time last year a
 number of alleged witches were lynched or fled.

 Those who flee often settle in three "witches" villages, which have
 grown up around traditional chiefs who reputedly have power to
 purge the women of witchcraft.

 Aid workers estimate that the villages now house 5,000 women.

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 00:40:45 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Re: The Singh Chronicles..Part 1<offensive to Sikhs and Singhs>

The Singh who goes for a swim on a hot afternoon..Kuldip Singh
The Singh who hinders his Mum as she works...Mahinder Singh
The Singh who adds to this hindrance...Morhinder Singh
The Singh who drinks beer all the time...Jasbeer Singh
The Singh who has many wants...Jaswant Singh
The Singh who does anything and verything..Doolah Singh
The Singh who loves to dance...Dhan Singh
The Singh who takes it easy...Relaxing
The Singh who isnt there ...Supposing
The Singh who is also a Chinese..Yeo Hiap Seng
The Singh with only one...Iqbal Singh

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 06:29:24 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Bumper Stickers

Our sex was so good, even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You will be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming - everyone look busy.
Born free........Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I got a gun for my wife.....Best trade I ever made!
Jesus may love you....but he won't respect you in the morning.
So you're a feminist - isn't that cute?
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
I need someone really bad.....Are you really bad?
If, a two letter word for futility.
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins out there....Thanks for nothing.

This just in: Bill Clinton just had a meeting with the Pope. He held a
quick news conference to provide some details. Apparently Bill and the
Pope were in agreement on 60% of what they discussed. When asked about
the subject matter, Mr.Clinton stated they had talked about the Ten
Commandments.

Bill also mentioned he has renamed the Oval Office. It is now known as
the Oral Office.

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 16:17:43 +0000
From:    wouter van den berg <wfberg@DDS.NL>
Subject: Clinton (obviously risque :-)

Heard this in Holland :

Q: Why does Clinton wear boxershorts?
A: To keep his ankles warm

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 14:15:24 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Drunken Mick <offensive to handicap Irishmen>

     An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally
     says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and
     falls flat on his face.  He tries to stand one more time, same result.
     He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
     will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his
     face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he
     arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.  He
     crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he
     tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself
     upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as
     soon as his head hits the pillow.

     He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting
     at him.    "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

     "What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

     "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 15:19:03 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats: Humor in small packages

Only in America can you call the president a lying, womanizing felon
with immunity, and yet get sued for making derogatory comments about
someone's cows.

When Kenneth Starr and the Washington journalists elite finally
figure out that the Presidential Sex Scandal was based on a
single girl's fantasies, what to do you think the chances are that
he'll get even one apology.

With all the sexual allegations about our current and past
presidents, it's about time to elect a woman president!

Yeah, I beat President Clinton really misses the good ole when the
most disturbing thing he read in the newspaper was about Hillary's
changing hair styles and where he got a haircut.

Favorite tune at the Gene Clinic: "Send in the Clones!"

The cure for road rage: Mozart required during driving time!

Yesterday, I was stuck in traffic so long that by the time I got
home, all the expiration dates on my groceries had passed!

To the lady on the toothpaste commercial who's complaining that her
dentist father checks her teeth every time she gets in the car: You
oughta be glad your dad's not a gynecologist.

My husband's boss called and fired him over the phone. Boy, I bet
that made him feel like a real man.

Well, that depends: Was he getting fired for absenteeism?

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 15:34:20 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Ssshhhh! <more Clinton bashing><sexual innuendo>

He didn't tell her to lie.
He told her to keep a tight lip.

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 15:38:21 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

A man died and went to Heaven.  After reaching the gates to heaven,
the man was talking to Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good
during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but
I'm really really curious... What does Hell look like?  Saint Peter
lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very
bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like,
but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator."
After nearly an hour waiting in the in the elevator the doors opened
and the man peered out.  Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland.
 All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of
snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the
button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to
Heaven.
After returning to Heaven the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire
and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice.  Is that what
it's really like?
Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered,
"Snow and ice huh?  Maybe Elway's finally gonna win the Super Bowl."

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Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 18:05:58 -0500
From:    Muad'Dib <usul@THEPOINT.NET>
Subject: Titles for Clinton Porno Flick <offensive language>

Now that somebody's got him on tape, the obvious next step is for Bill
Clinton to make a porno film. Here's a collection of possible names
collected from our email circle by my friend Dave A. [once again, some of
these are offensive, you've been warned twice]:

Honey, I Fucked the Intern
Inhale the Chief
John Q. Pubic Goes to Washington
Inside the Oral Orifice
Bubba's New Pussy
Good Bill Humping
Wag the Hog
Intern-al Affairs
Bubba's Erection Campaign
Monica Blows the President's Horn
Presidential Pocket Pool
Power Pants Party
Foggy Bottom Follies
Rattle & Hummer
Bubba's Bulging Boxers
Impeachment Beach Party
Bill Clinton...Fucked Again
The Clinton Story Continues: Bill Gives Dick-tation
Rug Burns in the Oval Office
The Clinton Story Continues: An Intern's Tour of the Executive Branch
Tie Me Up Tape Me Down
All the President's Women
Deconstructing Bubba
Bang the Intern Slowly
The Jizz Swinger
All Quiet on the Western Portico
Pubic Enemy
Amore Casa Blanca
Pride of the Yankers
Thirty Seconds Over Washington
On the Bitch
President Strange Love
Queasy Rider
Driving Miss Lewinsky
Swallow the Leader
Fornigate
Mr. Smith Comes in Washington
Welcome to Leavenworth


http://www.thepoint.net/~usul

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Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 05:39:50 +0200
From:    George Anagnostopoulos <firefly@HOL.GR>
Subject: Old McDonald had a ...   <off. to Irish>

Excerpted from the Joke A Day mailing list @ http://www.jokeaday.com...

An Australian, an American and an Irishman are in a
gameshow and the host says, can you complete the phrase
"Old Mcdonald had a ..."
"Ranch" yelled the American.
"No that is not right" said the host
"Station" yelled the Australian
"No that is not right" said the host
"Farm" yelled the Irishman
"Yes" said the host.  "Now can you spell it?"
"E I E I O" said the Irishman.


* U think you know it all but U only irritate us who actually do!
  About sex: To a child you say HOW & WHY. To a teen WHEN & WHERE

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Date:    Thu, 29 Jan 1998 09:27:16 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Johnny At The Zoo <adult>

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the
elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak.
Johnny points to the pachyderm`s privates and says, "Mommy, what`s that?"
Mommy, seeing the huge penis, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that`s
nothing. Never mind. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs
his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a
question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant`s penis and says,
"Daddy, what`s that?" Dad replies, "Didn`t your mother tell you?"
"Yes, she told me it was nothing."

"Well, That's true. That's nothing for your mother."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Jan 1998 to 29 Jan 1998
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