HUMOR Digest - 27 Jan 1998 to 28 Jan 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 591 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. COUNSELLING...
  2. Well, for one thing...
  3. Conversation with a demon <insensitive to old ladies>
  4. Hitman <midly risque>
  5. Humor - Expense Account Tells All (Suggesive)
  6. only in the classifieds<sexually sugg., poss. off. to people with missing
     limbs>
  7. Monica & Clinton (tasteless & pos. offensive to interns)
  8. strip club <raunchy> & Clinton <risque>
  9. more on Clinton ...
 10. The big date
 11. Hindu Gods via email
 12. Dave's Top 10 (clean)
 13. Top5 - 1/28/98 - Surprises During the Pope's Visit to Cuba (fwd)
 14. Heights Of Email! <clean>

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Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 02:26:04 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: COUNSELLING...

Last week, a young middle-class woman consulted me.  She was not
unattractive, but her expression was one of frivolous earnestness, that
is to say, intense self-absorption.  She approached the consultation
like the oysters in "The Walrus and The Carpenter," all eager for the
treat.  Here at last was an opportunity to talk about herself
uninterruptedly and unconstrained by all those boring social conventions.

"What's your problem?" I asked.

"I hate myself."

"And you've come for a second opinion?"

Theodore Dalrymple's medical column in the
British publication "The Spectator," 17 May 1997

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 03:24:31 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Well, for one thing...

*  "The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a
  people." the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider
  that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th.  What
  does this mean to you ?"
    After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well
  for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for
  1063 years."
                                - - - - -

* What do President Clinton and the Green Bay Packers have in
  common.  Well, for one thing, if both of them would have only
  played at home, neither would be in trouble.
                                - - - - -

*   An out-of-work comic ordered a cup of coffee at a seedy
  restaurant and spotted a long time rival busing dishes. "My
  God !" he said, "What's a comic of your talent doing here ?"
    "As bad as things seem, I'm still better off than you."
  replied the older comic/now busboy.
    "How in the world do you figure that ?" asked the first man.
    "Well, for one thing, at least I don't eat here."
                                - - - - -

* What's a Yuppette's idea of natural childbirth ?  Well, for one
  thing, no make-up.
                                - - - - -

*   A woman called a health club and said that her husband had
  given her a present that she couldn't fit into.
    The receptionist gave her an appointment and added, "Don't
  worry, we'll have you in that dress in no time."
    The woman began sobbing uncontrollably, and the receptionist
  asked what was wrong.
    Between sobs, the lady replied, "Well, for one thing, it's a
  Porsche and not a dress."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 11:29:34 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Conversation with a demon <insensitive to old ladies>

Mariotti: "Belial, have you done an evil deed, today?"
Belial: "Yes, I have."
M: "What have you done?"
B: "I have helped an old lady cross the street."
M: "You have helped an old lady cross the street???"
B: "Yep."
M: "What's evil in that?"
B: "A 40-ton truck."

"Come, Mariotti, it's time for your medication."
"Why? The voices in my head tell me that I am perfectly sane."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 08:06:30 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hitman <midly risque>

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one
Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself,
asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and
then looked at the man and said "sure."
So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious
of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger
told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man
said "no really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it
everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys
decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this
rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said
"WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger
said "sure."

So the man looked for a second and said "YEAH! You can! I can even see
through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she
beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This
upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man
said "$1000, ouch! Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my
wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand
it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for
screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees so he gears up and
looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man
starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The
hitman replies "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand
bucks ."

If you enjoy telling or reading a good story, join Nerdnosh, and sit around
our virtual campfire with some of the neatest folks online.  Send the command
"Subscribe Nerdnosh [your online address]" to "Majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 09:12:18 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Expense Account Tells All (Suggesive)

    (Copied from Ann Landers' Collumn:)


 This expense account submitted from Sugar Land tells all:

 DEAR Ann Landers: The letter from the woman whose husband was a little too
cozy with his secretary reminded me of an item I stuck away a long time
ago. I thought you might get a kick out of it. -- H.R. in Sugar Land

 Dear Sugar: I roared. Please send anything else you may have "stuck away."
Here's your item:

Expense Account

 April 1 -- Ad for stenographer, $10

 April 5 -- Flowers for stenographer, $20

 April 9 -- Weekly salary for stenographer, $150

 April 10 -- Hosiery for stenographer, $5

 April 11 -- Candy for wife, $1.50

 April 12 -- Lunch with stenographer, $20

 April 13 -- Weekly salary for stenographer, $175

 April 19 -- Movies -- self and wife, $12

 April 20 -- Theater tickets -- self and stenographer, $95

 April 21 -- Coca-Cola for wife, $0.50

 May 2 -- Champagne and dinner with stenographer, $80

 May 3 -- Dorothy's salary, $200

 May 6 -- Champagne and dinner with Dotty, $110

 June 27 -- Doctor, $850

 June 28 -- Fur coat for wife, $3,400

 June 29 -- Ad for male stenographer, $10


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 10:49:48 -0500
From:    Justin <Justincr@SCCTELE.COM>
Subject: only in the classifieds<sexually sugg.,
         poss. off. to people with missing limbs>

	(This is my first posting)

After a marriage of getting beaten, cheated on, and finally her husband
leaving her for a MUCH younger woman, the cold hearted husband had put her
through an even rockier divorce.  She wasn't getting any younger, being in
her late 40's, so she decided that she had to go on with her life.  So she
put a classified ad in the paper,
     "Divorced White Female, in search of man who will not beat me or
      leave me, but also must satisfy my sexual appetite."
So she dropped it off in the mail, not really getting her hopes up.  There
was no response for a month, month and a half, two months, when one day,
three months down the road, she answered the sound of the doorbell.  She
looked around, not seeing anyone, until she happened to look down.  There,
laying on her doormat, was a man with no arms or legs.  "Can I help you?"
the woman asked.  "Yes, I'm calling in response to your classified ad!"
said the person cheerfully.  At this the woman laughed, "What makes you
think you're qualified?  How can you meet my requirements?"  "Well," the
man said, "I have no arms, so I cannot beat you, and I have no legs, so I
can't run away from you."  "And what about my sexual appetite?  Just HOW do
you plan to satisfy me?"
The man looked up at her and smiled brightly and said, "I rang the
doorbell, didn't I?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 11:24:58 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Monica & Clinton (tasteless & pos. offensive to interns)

     From a friend.  I don't know who wrote it.

Tasteless joke number one regarding the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal:

During the first week of orientation, what was the most popular game the
White House interns played during their icebreakers?

Swallow the leader.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 12:32:20 -0500
From:    "Joel M. Rubin" <joelmarshall@JUNO.COM>
Subject: strip club <raunchy> & Clinton <risque>

Three guys go to a strip club, order up a round of beers, and invite a
dancer over for a table dance. The stripper kneels in front of them,
showing off her rear view.  The first man, hoping to impress his buddies,
pulls out a ten dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to her left cheek.
Not to be outdone, the second man pulls out a fifty, licks it, and
affixes it to her right cheek. They both look at the third man to see how
he plans to impress them.

So he whips out his ATM card, swipes it down her crack, grabs the sixty
bucks, and leaves.

Q: What's the favorite game among White House interns?
A: Swallow the leader


http://www.pyx106.com/marshall.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 14:55:55 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: more on Clinton ...

 There's a new game being played in Washington D.C...
                ...it's called swallow the leader.

 What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?
                "Pardon Me"

 What's the difference between Nixon and Clinton?
                Deep Throat brought down Nixon, but Deep Throat WENT down
                on Clinton!

 How can you tell which one of the White House interns is the head intern?
                She's the one with the dirty knees.

 Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmark?
                He just bends over the pages!

 Why doesn't Monica eat bananas?
                She can't find the zipper.

 President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in
                deposition, I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"

 Realization of from another White House intern...
                And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!

 Why does Clinton think he's innocent,
                Because he didn't inhale the intern!

 How did Bill reply regarding questions of  "coaching" Monica's testimony?
                "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".

 "President Clinton, we really need to deal with this abortion bill."
        "Fine, I'll pay it!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 16:16:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The big date

 It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty
 hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's
 father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't
 you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father
 asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they
 will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father
 responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are
 doing it."

 Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and therefore he asks
 Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really
 likes to screw;  she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just
 made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening were beginning
 to look pretty good.

 A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
 and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
 anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes
 later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and
 screams at her father:"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 15:55:54 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Hindu Gods via email

All of us have, at sometime or other been in the doldrums....
At such times, we, turn to the GODS for help.... In modern times however,
with changing times, all the GODS have E-Mail so that the likes of us can
ask for their help easily....
The following are the E-Mail addresses, if you were ever to need them....

If you wanted to get rid of obstacles in your way, you should mail to:
      ganesha@kailasa.OnMouse.com
If you wanted to "create" something.... anything, you should mail to:
      brahma@satyaloka.OnLotus.com

If you wanted help with anything at all, you should try:
      vishnu@vaikunTHa.OnAdishesha.com

If you wanted to destroy any thing, then your destination is:
      rudra@kailasa.OnNandi.com

If you were in dire need of money you should try:
      lakshmi@vaikuntha.ByVishnu.com or kubera@swarga.com

If you are in pursuit of knowledge then,
      saraswati@satyaloka.WithVeena.com or brihaspathi@swarga.com

If you want combat evil (Rakshasas) advice can be found at:
      indra@swarga.OnAiravat.WithVajra.com

(For ladies) If you wish your husband a long life:
      gowri@kailasa.com
Advice for this can be found at
      Savitri@madradesha.com

If your place is drought ridden, then you should contact:
      varuna@swarga.com

If you are feeling very cold, then try:
      agni@swarga.com

IF you absolutely NEED a date, then try:
      urvashi@swarga.withindra.com
      rambha@swarga.withindra.com
      menaka@swarga.withindra.com
      tilotthama@swarga.withindra.com
Also can be contacted when you are feeling very down or when you want
to destroy somebody's (your competitor when in school/college? concentration

If you are traveling in a hot country, for a cool breeze contact:
      vayu@swarga.com

If you are ever lost anywhere in the world, contact:
      Ashtadikpalakas@swarga.com

If you were in the darkness light can be obtained from:
      Surya@Akasha.com

If you were in a romantic mood then, for moonlight, contact:
      chandra@Akasha.com

If at all you feel that your character needs a little building up, then
your helpline would be:
      rama@ayodhya.com

Suppose you had no access to (on-line? ) newspapers, then for keeping
up with the times, try:
      Narada@everywhere.anywhere.com
      OR
      Narada@anywhere.anytime.com

When you fall ill, instead of visiting a (very costly) doctor, try:
      ashwini@swarga.twins.com

If ever you felt like getting something (but were not able to), you
should have contacted:
      kamadhenu@rishiashramAs.edu
      or
      kalpavrikhsa@rishiashramas.edu

Finally, if you've had enough of this world, (and enough of reading
such useless things) then your contact will be:
      yama@yamaloka.onbuffalo.com

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 23:51:19 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Dave's Top 10 (clean)

-= 5/21/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
-= Top Ten Surprises in Jurrasic Park II (The Lost World)=-

10. Special appearance by Wilford Brimley as "Brimleysaurus Rex"
 9. Instead of Deadly venom, veociraptor now spits delicious iced tea
 8. Dinosaurs and humans settle their differences with a spirited game of
    Yahtzee
 7. Steven Spielberg can often be seen in the background, counting huge
    stacks of money
 6. Movie's big catch phrase: "Them Dinosaurs is tasty!"
 5. All the action takes place at a Dunkin' Donuts in Scranton
 4. Scientists kill the dinosaurs simply by hiding all the "Dinosaur Chow"
 3. Hilarious scene where Fred Flintstone uses one of the dinosaurs as a
    lawnmower
 2. Lead Brontosaurus played by Janet Reno
 1. All the dinosaurs speak perfect french

Source: www.webslingerz.net/  (posted with permission)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 22:25:50 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 1/28/98 - Surprises During the Pope's Visit to Cuba (fwd)

                        January 28, 1998

      The Top 16 Surprises During the Pope's Visit to Cuba

16> The leader of Catholicism and the leader of Communism locate
    common ground: "Bring us the head of Pauly Shore!"

15> Race after race, the Popemobile blew the doors off the
    Castromobile.

14> It's damn hard to condemn Fidel when he looks so cute trying on
    the robe and "offering blessings" in the mirror.

13> Local cuisine of black beans gave new meaning to the term "Holy
    Smoke."

12> Calling him "Juan Pablo Dos" pisses him off right quick.

11> Castro:  Communist dictator, cigar aficionado, "The Young & the
    Restless" addict.

10> More major food groups found in Castro's beard than in Pope's
    hat.

 9> CIA spy photos mistake Pope's hat for nuclear missile.

 8> Topic of Pope's farewell speech: "That Urkel's just not as
    funny in Spanish."

 7> Turning water into wine minimizes the chances of food poisoning
    by 30%.

 6> On the Havana black market, one Popemobile hubcap fetches two
    cows and six chickens.

 5> Poor Samba technique now a venial sin.

 4> To commemorate the Pope's visit, Fidel let the entire county
    stay up past their 9 o'clock bedtime.

 3> Communion wafers topped with jack cheese and jalapenos.

 2> Castro a masculine, yet tender, waltz partner.

    and the Number 1 Surprise During the Pope's Visit to Cuba...

 1> His Holiness in Havana was upstaged by His Horniness in D.C.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Jan 1998 09:41:07 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Heights Of Email! <clean>

HEIGHTS OF REPETITON: you forwarding an email to someone  and
recieving the same email forwarded from him to you.

HEIGHTS OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using
emails  to communicate with each other.

HEIGHTS OF COWARDNESS:Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHTS OF HELPLESSNESS:You recieving no emails for a week.

HEIGHTS OF IDLENESS:A person using email tool all the time.

HEIGHTS OF FRUSTATION:The email server being down.

HEIGHTS OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a reply all.

HEIGHTS OF ACHIEVEMENT:A person sending the email to a girl
wanting  to  become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHTS OF HEIGHTS:A person sending an email to himself..

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Jan 1998 to 28 Jan 1998
************************************************

