HUMOR Digest - 26 Jan 1998 to 27 Jan 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 688 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Smart Birds
  2. The Military
  3. FW: Sweet revenge!
  4. Men are like... (off to us men :o)
  5. Write to Dr. RAM, computer consultant <clean>
  6. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story
  7. another Prez. joke
  8. Misc quips <inoff>
  9. Uses for dead slaves (insulting to geographers; poss. racist)
 10. Humor: Offensive to N.Y. Contractors
 11. Arafat's Advice (poss. offensive to goats, Palestinians)
 12. 80 Year Old Virgin
 13. Ironic observations and questions
 14. Top5 - 1/27/98 - Nicknames for the Presidential Scandal (fwd)
 15. The Artist <adult>
 16. Quips & Quotes, Part 1
 17. FW: Flea time! <sexual connotations>

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Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 22:22:55 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Smart Birds

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they
say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying?
It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very
fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures
are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have
an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out
anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend
certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds,
much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can
establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they
befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one
step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the
dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any
given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to
all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking
FUE.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 03:45:21 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Military

*   During the 60's, when the draft law could induct most young
  men into military service, the announcement was made that very
  few (if any) married men would be drafted, war or not.
    One Army recruiting office fought back by posting a sign:
  "Better two years than life".
                                - - - - -

* Enlistment officer to recruit: "And another advantage in making
  a career of the Army is that you avoid the constant worry of
  being called-up into the service."
                                - - - - -

*   The instructor in a basic-training course asked a recruit what
  he would do if he saw a figure crawling toward his post while on
  assigned guard duty.
    "Why, I'd help the Officer to his quarters." said the recruit.
                                - - - - -

* Drill Sergeant to recruit: "Wipe that opinion off your face !"
                                - - - - -

*   Modern warfare is a complicated business, but during the Civil
  War things were much simpler.  An Arkansas Colonel, with no real
  formal military training, had his own method of command for his
  cavalry troop.  For example, to get the men on their horses:
    His first command was: "Prepare to git on your critters."
    This was closely followed by: "Git !"
                                - - - - -

*   During the Vietnam war in the US, feelings ran high both for and
  against the war.  In one school district, all fifth graders were
  assigned to write a letter to "Any Marine, Vietnam".
    When the hundreds of letters were delivered, one Marine opened
  his and found the salutation: "Dear War Victim".

www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 10:59:28 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: Sweet revenge!

 A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed
 with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage
 and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the
 handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

 The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU`RE NOT GOING TO.. TO..
 CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"

 The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: "Nope. You are.
 I`m going to set the garage on fire."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 14:12:09 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Men are like... (off to us men :o)

Men are like vacations............... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers............... hard to figure out and never have
                                      enough memory.

Men are like coolers................. load them with beer and you can
                                      take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars......... sweet, smooth, and they usually
                                     head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee................. the best ones are rich, warm, and
                                     can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes............. they always tell you what to do and
                                     are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers............... they spend most of their lives in a
                                     hardware store of the bathroom.

Men are like cement................. after getting laid, they take a
                                     long time to get hard.


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 15:40:59 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Write to Dr. RAM, computer consultant <clean>

Dear Dr. RAM
I have a computer with a Pentium 133 CPU. I want to increase the
speed, but I have no money to spend on an upgrade. What do you
advise?
                                   Speed Fiend

Dear Speed,
Ask you doctor to prescribe you something to slow down your
metabolism. Take the medicine and wait for a couple of hours. Then
switch your computer on and you will notice a dramatic increase in
speed and overall performances.
			=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Dear Dr. RAM,
I bought a $ 5,000 notebook, with batteries guaranteed to last for
six hours. They did actually last for about that long, after which
the computer went dead. What shall I do? Shall I try and change the
batteries?
                                       Out Of Power

Dear Out,
From your description, I believe that you bought a disposable
notebook and therefore there is nothing you can do. However, you are
in luck: I happen to collect disposable notebooks, even if they have
no use whatsoever. Send me your machine and I shall mail you $ 50, so
you will not suffer a total loss. No, don't thank me, it's quite all
right.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 08:53:32 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story

                           PHONE CALL

 HOLYOKE, Mass. (AP) - A man arrested on an old charge of driving without
 a license used his one phone call from the police station to give a friend
 a detailed description of how to find a stash of crack cocaine he had
 hidden in an alley, police said.

 Police Sgt. George Girard said Hipolito Vega spoke in Spanish, apparently
 not realizing that every word he said was understood by the booking
 officer, Manuel Rivera.

 ``Thank God, he didn't get the bag,'' Vega said over the phone.

 Officers got to the alley first Thursday and found a sandwich bag with
 six bundles of crack cocaine ``rocks,'' just where Vega said he had put it
 before he was captured.

 Vega, 30, was charged with possession of cocaine with intent to
 distribute. He had originally been stopped for an outstanding warrant
 accusing him of driving his car without a license.

 He pleaded innocent and was ordered held on $5,000 bail.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 12:00:10 -0500
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: another Prez. joke

Boy, those must have been some powerful drugs Clinton saw in his college days!
Even though he didn't inhale, he's just now getting the bad Tripp.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 10:33:36 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Misc quips <inoff>

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent.   Anything you say will be
misquoted,then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling
exception, is composed of others."  John Andrew Holmes

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 13:16:31 -0500
From:    janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Uses for dead slaves (insulting to geographers; poss. racist)

 The following little gem is taken VERBATIM from a normally staid
 and sedate list <discovery@win.tue.nl>, which discusses the really
 breathtaking issues of geography and voyages of discovery and where
 a wonderful flame war is in progress.

 Only the names and addresses have been changed to protect the (not
 so) innocent.

Subject: [EXP] Dead Slaves

 Since X. Yzzyx seems to take exception to my contention that
 dead slaves make lousy slaves, I am attempting to see things from
 his point of view, and have done a bit of research in my University
 library, and have come up with the

TOP TEN USES FOR DEAD SLAVES.

10. Make outstanding companions for necrophiliac slave owners.

 9.Make very good anchors when water-logged, at least until the fish
   remove the ballast.

 8. Good doorstop.

 7. Excellent babysitter for dead babies.
    When posed before rigor mortis sets in:

 6. Make pretty good scarecrows until they decompose, as they don't
    object to rectal insertion of a pole.

 5. Make good ironing boards.

 4. Make a pretty good coat and hat rack.

 3. Put them out in the driveway and let your visitors tie their
    horses to them.

 2. Put them in your tobacco store and let them sell cigars.

       AND THE NUMBER ONE USE FOR DEAD SLAVES !

 1. Put them behind the podium in a lecture hall and let them teach
    gheography.  No one will notice a difference.


*Them as can, does.
 Them as can't, teaches.
 (To which I can only add, "Them as can't teach, teaches teachers")

 This is the same list BTW in which it was recently asserted (in the
 same thread) that the chief difference between a dead slave and a
 dead horse was that you could eat a dead horse.

 As Escoffier (who himself had to contend with dead horses and did
 so magnificently) would say, "Bon appetit"!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 13:48:54 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Offensive to N.Y. Contractors

 Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day.
One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from
Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they
did for a living.

 When they each replied that they were contractors the guard
said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you
guys look at it and give me a bid."

 So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida
contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some
measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900.
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

 Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape
measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks
like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my
crew, and $100 profit for me."

 Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without
so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

 The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even
measure like guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me,
$1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 20:46:27 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: Arafat's Advice (poss. offensive to goats, Palestinians)

Yasser Arafat was in Washington this week to meet with the President
but got pushed aside by the Lewinsky sex scandal.  But before he left,
he gave the President some advice on what to do in the future.

His advice?  Goats don't talk


* Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 21:07:39 -0500
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <tnessen@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: 80 Year Old Virgin

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch
area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has
crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin,
but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor
and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know I don't have
crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news.  The
good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted
and you have fruit flies."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 21:39:49 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ironic observations and questions

The dinner special sign said, "Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef #2.35,
children $2.00.

I was born before 1945. We had our hair, not styled. We went to the
5&10 and not the Dollar Store, and teachers were respected, not sued.

Let me get this straight. If they clone me, do I become my own
father.

Why not let President Clinton and Paula Jones settle their feud on
"The Jerry Spring Show"?

I'm not against John Glenn going back to space. I'm against him
coming back.

I always try to understand the other fellow's point of view -- even
though it's wrong.

My boss says that there's no "I" in team. I like to remind him that
there is an "M" and an "E" though.

Yesterday, I was stuck in traffic so long that by the time I got
home, my driver's license had expired.


The source of nearly all of my short examples of HUMOR have been
selected from http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 22:19:17 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 1/27/98 - Nicknames for the Presidential Scandal (fwd)

       The Top 16 Nicknames for the Presidential Scandal

16> Lolitagate

15> Quick!  Time For Another War With Iraq!

14> The Crook, The Intern, The Wife, and that 'Hey Vern' guy

13> The D Cup Domes Scandal

12> Starr Wars

11> Ex-intern killed in freak missile accident-gate

10> The Lay of Pigs

 9> Stain of the Union Undress

 8> Monicaca

 7> "Paid for by Gore/Rodham 2000"-gate

 6> Pubic Missile Crisis

 5> Linguapalooza

 4> Honey, I shrunk my approval rating

 3> Gaining-On-Wilt-gate

 2> Tail to the Chief


and the Number 1 Nickname for the Presidential Scandal...


 1> Bad Will Hunting


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 09:19:28 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Artist <adult>

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time.
Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing
perfection with every stroke of his paint brush.
As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the
female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop
effort and decided to take it easy for the day.  Since, Karen, his
model, had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass
of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in
silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better.
Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car
arriving outside.  He jumped up and said,

"OH NO It's my wife!  Quick, take off your clothes!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 20:49:26 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes, Part 1

QUIPS AND QUOTES

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.  IT GOES
ON.

Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.

There are two things to aim at in life:  first to get what you want and,
after that, to enjoy it.  Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.

Can't nothing make your life work if you ain't the architect.

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

The best vitamin for making friends:  B1.

Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be
harvested.

The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute.  If he isn't there the first
time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Don't try to change the wind, change the sail.

Anger is just one letter short of danger.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Treat your friends like a family and your family like friends.

If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.

Tatyana Ogbe <ogbe@lagos.omnes.net>


--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Jan 1998 08:21:30 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: Flea time! <sexual connotations>

   A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms,
 had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami
 sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of
 his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar
 looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes
 red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's
 mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts
 off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first
 flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the
 stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat,
 and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on
 for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
   So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later,
 while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should
 he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
 "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the
 stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made
 a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
 "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on
 this guy's mustache again.....

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jan 1998 to 27 Jan 1998
************************************************

