HUMOR Digest - 25 Jan 1998 to 26 Jan 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 632 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. further fish fun
  2. Weekly Traffic Report
  3. Humor - Outlandish Inventions (Adult)
  4. BAD-vertising <inoff>
  5. Fw: 300 not out... India's biggest loser plans another election defeat
  6. Bill Clinton Troubles (sexual innuendo, of course)
  7. The Cameron Colum #48 (clean)
  8. <No subject given>
  9. GO BRONCOS!
 10. Humor Clean: A =?iso-8859-1?Q?Paronomastic=92s?= Dictionary (
     Resubmission)
 11. <HUMOUR> Blonde jokes

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 23:03:04 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: further fish fun

Fish
><{{{{">

Foolish fish
><{{{{"< ~J

Fish fillets
{ { { { {

Pirhanna
><{{{{"{ ~

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 03:34:51 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report

Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic report that is sent to all of the
HumorList subscribers once a month.

I've changed the first column in the report so y'all may see
where we stood at this time a year ago.

Please note my new e-mail address for any questions y'all may
have:  jimjr@qis.net      ("QIS.NET")

                                                JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

             Traffic Report for HUMOR, 18 January - 24 January

                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week

 18  Sunday           12        6       10        7       11
 19  Monday           21       10       12       12       13
 20  Tuesday          19       11        8       14       13
 21  Wednesday        21        8       15       14       19
 22  Thursday         27        6       18       11       18
 23  Friday           21        8       11       12       11
 24  Saturday          8        8        8        7       11

   (Average)          18        6        8       12       14

Subscriptions      9,365    8,273    8,208    8,165    8,069
Countries             89      102      102      102      102
Contributors         838      686      681      682      681

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin boards,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.

        The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize,  Bolivia,  Botswana,  Brazil,  Brunei Darussalam,  Bulgaria,
Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia,
Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Ecuador,
Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia,
Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala,
Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel,
Italy,  Jamaica,  Japan,  Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya,  Korea, Kuwait,
Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta,
Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands,
New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines,
Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland,
Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka,
Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago,
Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela,
Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
HUMOR GOALS

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning requirement)


HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)

Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive

One contribution per day

Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted
Discussion, requests, and criticisms are not to be posted
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions

Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max)
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art or sig file

A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Send an e-mail to:  listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

   SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname      subscribe
   GET HUMOR GUIDE                           become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR                               check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR                             leave the list
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P                           leave contributor's list
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

If you have any questions, please email me at jimjr@qis.net
And please notice the new e-mail address ("QIS.NET")

And now for a contribution of humor:  (as if that wasn't funny enuff)

   Since this most recent sex scandal broke on President Clinton, most
democrats are scrambling to defend him.  One of the more popular ones
around seems to be: "Kennedy did the same thing".
   Well... maybe, but not only did Kennedy have class and discretion,
he had much better taste in women.

                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 09:16:12 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Outlandish Inventions (Adult)

(Copied from Ann Landers' Column:)


 DEAR Readers: Remember the condom that whistles Dixie? I've had some
additional correspondence with David Pressman, the attorney in San
Francisco who wrote to me about the patent for this extraordinary device,
and he has informed me that there are patents on other items that might be
of interest to my readers. Here they are:

 * An electric shocker to put in bushes to deter urinating dogs.

 * A milking stool that can be strapped to a milkmaid's rear end.

 * A chastity belt for bulls.

 * A mattress with footholds for facilitating sex.

 * A clothes hanger with breasts.

 * An armored bra.

 * Flytrap lures with silhouettes of copulating flies.

 * An electric toilet-seat warmer.

 * A handkerchief edged in lace, resembling women's panties, to put in a
man's breast pocket.

 * Diapers for canaries and parakeets.

 And now, dear readers, once again, please do not ask me where you can
obtain any of these items. I am not in the retail business.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 10:55:45 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: BAD-vertising <inoff>

     Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

       Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had
use for the "manure stick".

       Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

       The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was
translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel
so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

       When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they
learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what's inside, since most people can't read English.

       Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

       An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
(el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

       In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name
into "Schweppes Toilet Water."

       Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

       Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man
to make a chicken affectionate."

       When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you".
Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make
you pregnant"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 13:13:17 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Fw: 300 not out... India's biggest loser plans another election defeat

   BAREILLY, India, Jan 25 (AFP) - A 63-year-old eccentric Indian
whose passion is to fight elections is preparing to jump into the
fray once again -- with the sole intention of losing.
   The greying Kaka Joginder Singh is undeterred by more than 300
defeats he has suffered in a variety of elections since he began
contesting in 1962.
   "I have had the pleasure of heavily losing elections on more
than 300 occasions from 14 of India's 25 states," said Singh at his
family home here, some 250 kilometers (150 miles) from New Delhi.
   "But please note," he added, seated on a cot on the verandah,
"that I never fight elections. I never seek votes. Only criminals
contest elections. I only swim in the sea of elections for sheer
pleasure.
   "I stand as a candidate only to lose. That is my hobby, my life."
   Singh, the fourteenth of 16 brothers and sisters and whose
family runs a succesful textile business here, is set to plunge into
parliamentary elections in February-March.
   "I have not decided on the constituencies, but I will stand from
at least two places," he said.
   Singh, a father of six and grandfather of 12 boys and girls, was
born in present-day Pakistan in 1934, and moved to Bareilly
following the 1947 partition of the sub-continent.
   He would have spent the rest of his life as a textile
businessman but for a quirk of fate -- or, more exactly, an
inspirational remark by prime minister Jawaharalal Nehru -- which
led him to contest the 1962 elections for the Uttar Pradesh state
assembly.
   He lost royally, and loved it.
   Since then, he has entered more than 220 state assembly and
around 100 parliamentary battles. He is among a handful of Indians
who have run for the country's presidency and vice-presidency.
   Memorably, he stood from 93 of 425 seats in the Uttar Pradesh
assembly at one go in 1993. In 1991 he was a candidate in 17
parliamentary constituencies.
   He does not remember how many seats he contested in the 1996
elections.
   He travels all over the country by train, accepting hospitality
from friends or staying at Sikh temples.
   Singh, who is not linked to any party, traditionally celebrates
his impending defeat while filing his nomination by liberally
distributing cashews, dates, sweets and raisins to bemused poll
officials and bystanders.
   His previous opponents read like a virtual "Who's Who" of Indian
politics, including former prime ministers Rajiv Gandhi, P.V.
Narasimha Rao, Atal Behari Vajpayee, Chandra Shekhar and Vishwanath
Pratap Singh.
   Singh -- a post-graduate in sociology and philosophy whose room
is stacked with election documents dating back three decades -- is a
man of many views.
   He opposes curbs on large families, wants India to do away with
all foreign debt, and advocates religious tolerance.
   "If we believe in all this, there would be no problem in our
country.
   "My life is in God's hands. As long as I am alive, I will be a
candidate. I don't care what people think of me."
   Singh is widely seen as an eccentric. His family see him as
admirable.
   "I am proud of him," said Manpreet Kaur, 16, one of his
grandchildren.
   "I am impressed by what he is doing. In fact I myself want to
join politics."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 13:25:13 -0600
From:    "Ramon G. Clark" <ramonclark@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Bill Clinton Troubles (sexual innuendo, of course)

Clinton really has bad luck even besides all his female escapades.
He was helping Monica with her computer and it went down on him too.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 22:08:44 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Cameron Colum #48 (clean)

     Once a year, just to prove that democracy is dead in America, the
local grade school has a science fair.
     I say this because if they called a vote there is not a single parent
in the entire school system who would vote to have a science fair, except
maybe some guy who is an engineer for Hewlett Packard and thinks everyone
would be interested in his son's homemade particle accelerator.
     Want to make a million dollars?  Come out with a bunch of products
called "Instant Science Projects - Just Add Water."  Sell them at ten PM
the day before school science fairs and desperate Dads will come pouring
into your parking lot, ready to spend all the money in their pockets.

     Desperate Dad:  How much is this Just Add Water Chaos Theory Simulator?
     You:  How much you got?

     I know this because last year, on the eve of the science fair, I was
at the drug store, crashing my cart into other Desperate Dads as we
pondered what was available.   Everyone was muttering to himself, trying
out various project titles.  "Let's see, um, Feed the Dog a Laxative...
Wash the Gerbils with Head and Shoulders...Cane Tips:  Pro or Con?...How
much Cough Syrup before Mom Passes Out... Would Cats Rather be Blond?"
     What I eventually settled on--What Happens if You Take Geritol and Run
it Through a Room Humidifier?--was deemed by my son to be the dumbest thing
he ever heard of, and he was in second grade at the time.
     By third grade, the competition is even more intense.  Weeks before
the fair, Dads start eyeing one another with open hostility when they run
into each other at the store, abruptly turning their backs on each other.
Wives profess not to understand what this is all about.

     Wife:  Let's have the McCauls over for dinner Saturday.
     Me:  Jim McCaul?  That jerk, if he ever steps foot in this house again
I'll punch him in the nose.
     Wife:  But he gave you one of his kidneys!

     My son mistakenly thought he wanted to grow crystals in a jar.  No
son, I said, that is a second grade project let's do something with
plutonium.  Eventually we settled on a project to genetically alter the
character of plants.  Dad can we really make a corn stalk grow tomatoes my
son asked.  I don't see why not I assured him.  With cloning, after all,
scientists were able to take a laser and cut out the nucleus of a sheep egg
and replace it with some other bits of sheep, like maybe a piece of leg of
lamb or something, and clone a sheep that wound up on the cover of Time
magazine.  With a little luck, I figured I could pull off something
similar.  (Time Magazine Cover:  W. Bruce Cameron, Dad of the Year.  "I
always thought he was smarter than me," says envious neighbor Jim McCaul
and his stupid kid.)
     So I got a soldering iron, burned a hole in some corn, super glued
some tomato seeds in the middle, and planted them in four jars of dirt.
     How does one actually get nominated for the Nobel Prize, anyway--is
there a postcard you send in or something?
     Two weeks later we went to the science fair.  Jim McCaul's son's
project had something to do with containing fusion using electromagnetic
fields-- like that's of any practical use!
     My son had four jars of dirt with absolutely nothing growing in them.
He entitled his display "What Happens When you Let Your Dad Plan Your
Project."

     We didn't win.


The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 16:08:16 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

        19 Sure-Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman:

 1. You're a Bitch

 2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "NO" then
    get pissed off when you are believed

 3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
    start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior

 4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening

 5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant
    terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your
    boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say
    "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my
    parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It
    means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend
    whether or not it is possible!"

 6. Whine

 7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from
    your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is
    trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy

 8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past
    boyfriend

 9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you

11. Complain

12. Hate any bar that he likes

13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything........
    except when  paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers,
    clothes, etc..........these are required gifts proving his love

14. Declare PMS at any given time.  If he is knowledgeable
    about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress in
    your life (also, see number 7)

15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as looks at your
    boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be
    informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible

16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
    doing anything other than catering to your needs

17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2

18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given

19. Insert yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends,
    break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering
    for the next month just to rub it in.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 15:22:17 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: GO BRONCOS!

If God is a Packers fan, then why are sunsets blue and orange?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Jan 1998 14:49:35 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Humor Clean: A =?iso-8859-1?Q?Paronomastic=92s?= Dictionary (
         Resubmission)

Allege: A high rock shelf
Arson: Our daughter's brother
Author: A person who is usually write
Autobiography: A history of cars
Avowal: a, e, I, o, u, and sometimes y

Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
Bassinet: What every fisherman wants
Belong: To take your time

Carpet: A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile
Coffee: Break Fluid
Comma: What a medium falls into
Complaint: A grief resume
Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope

Deduce: De lowest card in de deck
Denounce: Words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc.
Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words
Dogma: A mother dog

Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge
Earthquake: A topographical error

Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster
Feast: An eat wave
Flattery: Phony express
Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey

Gentle:  (1) Reproductive organ
         (2) Non-Jewish
Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up
Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire

Handicap: A ready-to-use hat
Hanging: A suspended sentence
Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig
Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler
Hypochondriac: A guy who won't let well enough alone
Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone

Indecision: Under the whether
Intense: Where campers sleep

Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do
Kinship: Your brother=92s boat

Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass
Legend: The edge of a cliff

Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane
Minimum: A very small mother

Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance

Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do

Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas
Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
Paradox: Two physicians
Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish
Paralyze: Two untruths
Praise: Letting off esteem
Protein: (1) An advocate of teen-agers rights
         (2)  Lady of the street too young to vote

Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep

Sarcasm: Quip lash
Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event
Skier: A person who jumps to contusions
Sleet: A slipcover
Stirrup: What you do with cake batter
Subsidy: A town underneath another town

Tenure: A year after nineure
Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day

Unabated: A fishhook without a worm

Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater
Vanguard: A person who protects trucks
Violinist: A high-strung musician

Warehouse: What you ask when you're lost
Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully
Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Jan 1998 09:36:12 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Blonde jokes

I've taken these from John W. Hibbs

She was so blond. . . . . .

  she sent me a fax with a stamp on it

  she thought a quarterback was a refund

  she tripped over a cordless phone

  she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

  she got stabbed in a shoot-out

  she told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"

  they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade

  she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

  at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put
  "Sagittarius"

  if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless

  when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Jan 1998 to 26 Jan 1998
************************************************

