HUMOR Digest - 24 Jan 1998 to 25 Jan 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 621 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke Clean: Oldies but Goodies
  2. The Navy Way
  3. Shoulda-been state mottos
  4. Pope in Cuba
  5. Top 16 things Overheard coming from the Oval Office
  6. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
  7. A few jokes for the ladies out there <Offensive to Male Chauvanist Pigs>
  8. Clinton Defense (Sexual inuendo)
  9. Guy walks into a bar <f-word>
 10. Clinton
 11. Humor Clean: A =?iso-8859-1?Q?Paronomastic=92s?= Dictionary

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Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 23:56:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Oldies but Goodies

A distant cousin of Syngman Rhee from Korea got a job as a photographer
for Life Magazine. His work was excellent and he soon became one of
their top stars, One day he failed to show up for work. A week went by
and he still did not show. Fellow workers phoned his hotel and checked
all possible points where he could be visiting. Finally, they organized
a posse and began combing the city block by block. One searcher entered
a bar in th slinky part of town, and there, on a stool, was his man.
Overcome with joy and relief, the searcher rushed up and exclaimed,
"AH, SWEET MR. RHEE, OF LIFE, AT LAST I FOUND YOU."

The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for
looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son
of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and
he worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, he was "A HAIFA-LOOTIN',
FLUTIN' TEUTON, SON-OF-A-NUN FROM BARCELONA, PART-TIME PLOWBOY JOE."

Capt. Ferdinand Feghoot, the famous interplanetary explorer, had arrived
at Planet Pearl to pay his respects to its queen, the renowned Mother of
Pearl. As was typical, she was the largest and shiniest Pearl on the
planet. Unfortunately, word reached him that the queen was very
distraught. Her most trusted adviser Micheal, a lawyer, was committing
suicide by walking into the Ammonia Sea. The suicide was a slow one
because it would take weeks for Micheal to dissolve. Capt. Feghoot
rushed to the queen to comfort her, and to offer his aid in recovering
Micheal. He in turn found out that the reason Micheal was committing
suicide was because his complexion, unlike that of the other Pearls, was
pitted and pock marked. Efforts to find Micheal and convince him to come
back were in vain. Ferdinand was sure he could find Micheal and bring
him back. Sure enough, several days later he walked back up to the queen
carrying Micheal on his shoulder. The queen was overjoyed. "How did you
do it !?!", said the Queen. "It was easy.", replied Feghoot, "I simply
took off my shoes and walked around on the beach by the sea and when I
felt something rough between my toes, I knew I had found Micheal.""I
don't understand", replied the queen. "Simple. I just kept singing over
and over to myself, "A GRITTY PEARL IS MICHEAL, L.L.D."

Long ago, in a small country in Europe, one family had for centuries
made all the bells for the churches in the village. Finally, only one
member of the bell-making family was left, and he was also the mayor of
the town. Feeling threatened by competition, the mayor decreed that no
wedding bells might be rung in the village unless they were made by him.
He enforced this rule strictly and became known as the Wedding-Bell
Czar. One couple decided to marry without using the czar's bells. They
had a friend who owned an ancient Chinese gong, and they used it
instead. Shortly after the wedding, a fearsome noise was heard coming
from the gong-owner's home. The bride and groom rushed to investigate.
"Whatever does that noise mean?" they cried. "It means," said their
friend, wringing his hands, "THAT WEDDING-BELL CZAR'S BREAKING UP THAT
OLD GONG OF MINE."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 05:40:40 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Navy Way

*   A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase
  in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents
  near the Station where he was based were so high. She received
  the following letter back:
    "Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents,
  up to a maximum of three.   If the birth of a child will mean
  your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him
  to take the necessary action."
                                - - - - -

*   For those of you never in the military, it seems all branches
  try to reduce any/all situations to writing.  According to the
  US Navy, "Classified material shall be considered lost when it
  cannot be located."
                                - - - - -

*   A group of US Navy officers, assigned as an advisory group in
  Taiwan, were searching for a name for their new officer's club.
    They finally settled on "TAI-WAN-ON".
                                - - - - -

*   On patrol, the Officer of the Deck asked the starboard lookout
  what he would do if a man fell overboard.
    "I would shout 'Man overboard'." the sailor replied.
    The OD then asked what he would do if an officer fell overboard.
    The sailor paused and thought, then said, "Which one Sir ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the
  South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.  All
  the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker-
  light message to the Aussies: "You are beautiful."
    Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back:
  "I'll bet you say that to all the ships."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 06:55:18 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Shoulda-been state mottos

*** REALISTIC STATE MOTTOS ***

    Kansas: Toto isn't here anymore.
    Wisconsin: Wear cheese or die.
    Oklahoma:  Rather Sooner than Later.
    Hawaii: Try our lei-away program.
    Mississippi: Elvis was born here, but heck, even *he* left.
    California: Hey, with this many of us, we can make it legal!
    New Jersey: Waste not ... send it here instead.
    Nevada: Two to one you'll come again!
    Washington: If we'd meant DC, we'd have said DC, stupid.
    Massachusetts: Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums.
    Tennessee: To stay here, you'd HAVE to be a Volunteer!
    Alabama: At least you're not in Mississippi.
    Idaho: And don't even joke about the &%$#)%^ potatoes!
    West Virginia: Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio...
    Florida: Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees...
    Montana: Where men are men and sheep are scared...
    South Carolina:  Settled by prisoners, what do you expect.
    North Carolina: Furniture out the wazoo.
    Maryland: The best place to get crabs.
    Nebraska: Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it.
    Alaska: Colder than a polar bear's patoot.
    South Dakota: To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS.
    Michigan:  Where cars used to come from.
    Arkansas:  Send us your contributions, we'll send you our Bill...
    Wyoming: More elk than people, but not much traffic.
    Delaware: Parking for Dupont employees only.
    Ohio: The pillow state -- round on both ends, hi in the middle and
       full of fluff.
    Missouri: We love company...

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 08:30:33 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Pope in Cuba

When Fidel sent the invitation to the Pope to come to visit the island, he
told him that everything would be fixed up so that the Holy Father could
celebrate Mass in an appropriate way.

"We have just ordered a new crucifix for the cathedral to be installed by
the time you get here. One of the highest quality, too.  The brand name is
INRI!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 10:00:34 -0500
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Top 16 things Overheard coming from the Oval Office

The top 16 things overheard coming from the Oval Office

16. Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?

15. If this leaks out, I'll be ruined.

14. If this doesn't leak out, *I'll* be ruined.

13. If I could convince Hillary to do that just once....

12. Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.

11. You are a White House intern; Well, now it's your turn.

10. I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never
    thought that I would be one of them.

9. Somehow, I don't think that alan Greenspan would explain inflation
   that way.

8. I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."

7. what do you mean 'falsie inspection. I don't remember a no falsies
   clause in my contract.

6. When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought
   you meant the latest Gallup Survey.

5. I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Sox
   sharpening his claws.

4. Are you *sure* it's in?

3. When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation,
   this isn't exactly what i thought you meant.

2. "maybe Chelsea can hook me up with some of those sorority babes."

And the number 1 thing overheard coming from the oval Office...

1. If you think that's 8 inches, I can see why you thought your
   last budget was balanced.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 10:51:18 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

                 Tissue issue settled at Harvard

 Associated Press,

 CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (AP) - Two crusading students who made an issue of
 toilet tissue achieved victory with word that Harvard is going two-ply.

 Dormitories and public bathrooms on campus will be stocked with cushier
 toilet paper as the current supply of one-ply is exhausted, Dean of the
 College Harry R. Lewis said.

 Freshman Ted Wright got elected to the Undergraduate Council this month
 after campaigning with the slogan: ``Cleaning up the UC with two-ply
 toilet paper.''

 Last month, Geoffrey Upton, a junior, wrote a column in the Harvard
 Crimson calling for replacing one-ply. ``You don't think Dean of the
 College Harry R. Lewis '68 goes home to one-ply every night, do you?'' he
 wrote.

 For the record, two-ply tissue had already been available in some
 dormitories.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 17:22:53 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: A few jokes for the ladies out there <Offensive to Male Chauvanist
         Pigs>

Man to God, "So why did you make Women so beautiful and attractive?"
God to Man, "So you would love them."
"But God", Man says, "Why did you make them so dumb?"
God replies, "So they would love you!"

God created Man before creating Woman, because you need a rough draft
before creating a masterpiece.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are a man's best friend.
So, who's the dumber sex??

Single women complain that all the "good" men are married, while all the
married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man!

Ever notice how many women's problems can be traced to men?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal Breakdown
GUYnecology

This just in: If President Clinton gets many more mistresses, he'll have
to do his State of the Union address from the set of the Jerry Springer
Show!!  (Bill Maher).

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 17:50:11 -0600
From:    "Ramon G. Clark" <ramonclark@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Clinton Defense (Sexual inuendo)

"Hey Bill, I've got a perfect defense for your problem", says Vernon
Jordan.

"Oh yeah, what's that Vernon?", asks Bill.

Vernon excitedly says, "Well you remember when you were being pressed
about smoking pot and you told everyone that you didn't inhale?"

Bill replied, "Yeah so what?"

"Well you convinced everyone that you didn't actually smoke pot, so if we
can convince Monica to say she didn't swallow...we've got a perfect
defense".

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 20:18:15 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Guy walks into a bar <f-word>

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back
a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers!
Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side
of the bar are motherfuckers!  Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is
silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 23:10:20 EST
From:    MarkREG <MarkREG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Clinton

An official Gallup survey  polled  over 1000  women with the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton
97%  gave the reply, Never Again!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Jan 1998 20:29:50 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Humor Clean: A Paronomastic' Dictionary

Allege: A high rock shelf
Arson: Our daughter's brother
Author: A person who is usually write
Autobiography: A history of cars
Avowal: a, e, I, o, u, and sometimes y

Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
Bassinet: What every fisherman wants
Belong: To take your time

Carpet: A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile
Coffee: Break Fluid
Comma: What a medium falls into
Complaint: A grief resume
Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope

Deduce: De lowest card in de deck
Denounce: Words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc.
Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words
Dogma: A mother dog

Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge
Earthquake: A topographical error

Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster
Feast: An eat wave
Flattery: Phony express
Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey

Gentle:  (1) Reproductive organ
         (2) Non-Jewish
Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up
Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire

Handicap: A ready-to-use hat
Hanging: A suspended sentence
Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig
Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler
Hypochondriac: A guy who won't let well enough alone
Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone

Indecision: Under the whether
Intense: Where campers sleep

Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do
Kinship: Your brother's boat

Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass
Legend: The edge of a cliff

Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane
Minimum: A very small mother

Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance

Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do

Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas
Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
Paradox: Two physicians
Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish
Paralyze: Two untruths
Praise: Letting off esteem
Protein: (1) An advocate of teen-agers rights
         (2)  Lady of the street too young to vote

Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep

Sarcasm: Quip lash
Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event
Skier: A person who jumps to contusions
Sleet: A slipcover
Stirrup: What you do with cake batter
Subsidy: A town underneath another town

Tenure: A year after nineure
Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day

Unabated: A fishhook without a worm

Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater
Vanguard: A person who protects trucks
Violinist: A high-strung musician

Warehouse: What you ask when you're lost
Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully
Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Jan 1998 to 25 Jan 1998
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