HUMOR Digest - 23 Jan 1998 to 24 Jan 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 383 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Apt responses
  2. Testify <clean-ish. Might be off. to Christians>
  3. humor:  The Queen and the Pope
  4. NFL Coach's Afterlife (OFF to Packer Fans)
  5. Summer Internship!?!?
  6. The Unabomber (clean)
  7. Humor - Weird Business News (3rd of 3)
  8. Smart artist
  9. General Motors introduces new Instant Win Airbags
 10. Michael Kennedy and Sonny
 11. Twins

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Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 02:57:55 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Apt responses

*   As I was saying the other day, barbers and cabbies are able
  to converse on any subject.  Fellow was waiting for a haircut
  and was anxious to finish reading an interesting article. When
  his turn came, he took the magazine with him to the chair.
    The barber said, "And how would you like your hair cut ?"
    The customer replied, "In silence !"
                                - - - - -

*   Mrs JimJr and I were watching a figure skating show on TV and
  Dorothy Hamil was introduced.  I commented on how young she still
  looked.  Mrs. JimJr said, "And why not ?  She's been on ice almost
  all of her life."
                                - - - - -

*   Feeling in a festive mood while hosting a dinner, my neighbor
  Ray raised his glass to toast.  "What would you like to drink to
  Jimmy ?" he asked.
    I simply said, "To about three in the morning."
                                - - - - -

*   A Yuppette in Columbia held a dinner party.  She warned one of
  the young unmarried women there to not waste her time on a certain
  gentleman, as he was a confirmed bachelor.
    "Really ?" asked the woman on the prowl. "And exactly how long
  has he been celibating ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Friend of mine named Dan hates to lose at golf.  He was in a
  foursome when his ball landed in a sand trap.  Hidden from view,
  the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the ball. When
  he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many
  strokes that was.
    "Three." he replied.
    "Oh come on !" said another member of the group. "I heard six."
    "Three..." replied Dan "were echoes."

www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 12:22:38 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Testify <clean-ish. Might be off. to Christians>

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a
statement made by swearing on their testicles.

(However, as the credibility of the testimony became increasingly
associated with the weight and size of the organs on which the
testimony was based, the Senate in the third century AD, passed a law
that introduced a standard size Bible as the medium to swear on.
And this is how Christianity came to pass).

I tried it on Mrs. MM the other day. She found a nick on her car and
accused me of being responsible. "Moi?", I said, "I swear on my testicles,
I didn't do it." And she replied: "That doesn't carry much weight."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 09:46:39 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: humor:  The Queen and the Pope

     The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around
     the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly
     it couldn't be ignored.

     "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry
     about that."

     "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment
     added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 09:31:02 -0700
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: NFL Coach's Afterlife (OFF to Packer Fans)

COACH'S AFTERLIFE

After Coach Holmgren dies and enters the Pearly Gates,
God takes him on tour.  He shows Mr. Holmgren a little two-room
house with a faded Green Bay Packers banner hanging from the front
porch.
"This is your house, coach.  Most people don't get their own houses
up here," God says.

Coach Holmgren looks at the house, then turns around and looks at
the one sitting on top of the hill.  It's a huge three-story mansion
with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.
Denver flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Broncos
banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question.  I get this
little two-room house with a faded banner and Shanahan gets a huge
mansion with Bronco banners and flags flying all over the place.
Why is that?"

God looks at Holmgren seriously for a moment.  "That's not Shanahan 's
house," God says "That's my house."


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 11:40:34 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Summer Internship!?!?

	TOP 10 PERKS OF BEING A WHITE HOUSE INTERN


 10) You get a great understanding of Domestic Affairs

 9)  White House Mess takes on whole new meaning

 8)  Pay is lousy, but hush money is generous

 7)  Fabulous on the job training

 6)  First hand knowledge of Presidents commitment to youth

 5)  More exciting than those boring Americorps sessions

 4)  Gives new meaning to Gen-X slogan " Rock the Vote"

 3)  After transfer to UN, get party with Bhoutros- Bhoutros' s Gali

 2)  Complete knowledge of Pentagons " Manual of Arms"

 1)  Generous help with Independent study

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 09:01:39 -0800
From:    Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: The Unabomber (clean)

The reason Kaczynski plea-bargained is that he didn't want his affair
with his intern to come out during the trial.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 11:08:37 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News (3rd of 3)

Copied from Houston Chronicle's Business Columnist, Jim Barlow:

               Weirdness begins a new fiscal year

 IT'S A NEW YEAR, but the people who populate business haven't changed.  As
proof, here's another edition of Weird Business News.

 From Patrick Powers of Houston comes the following e-mail message. "I saw
a sign posted on a gas pump that read, `out of work.' I hope that poor pump
finds a job."

 Our Niche Marketing Award to American Demographics, which compared
advertising in American Legion Magazine and the Utne Reader, the journal of
the '60 counterculture.

 Legion readers were offered opportunities to meet marriage-minded Asian
women, buy videos of old Amos and Andy television shows and get cash for
their gold teeth.

 Utne readers could connect with Green singles, buy 100 percent organic
cotton and hemp and find their inner poets.

 From Real Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined comes this telephone
exchange between a computer tech support person and what the computer
people call an "end user" and every other business insists on calling a
"customer."

 Tech support: "What does the screen say now?"

 Person: "It says, `Hit ENTER when ready.' "

 Tech support: "Well?"

 Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

 Our Geographically Challenged Award to the clerk at a car insurance
company. A Texas customer called and said he was moving to Vermont. The
clerk asked the location of Vermont and as he was trying to explain she
interrupted: "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

 The Dress for Success Award to Chase Bank of Texas, nee Texas Commerce
Bank. The bank ended all dress codes in a back office operation, which
caused the supervisor to grumble that his people were coming to work
looking like they were wearing their pajamas.

 Until one day -- well, you guessed it. They all came to work wearing their
pajamas.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 12:06:25 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Smart artist

This guy in Paris broke into Le Louvre and stole a number of precious paintings
but he could not get away with it since a little distance down the street his
escape vehicle stopped and was caught red handed.

When asked how a person so smart as rob the museum  did not take care of his
vehicle: He said  " I had no Monet to bye  Degas to make my Van Gogh".

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 11:58:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: General Motors introduces new Instant Win Airbags

Detroit - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the
domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a
new instant win airbag contest January 1st.  The new airbags, which
award fabulous prizes upon violent high-speed impact, will come standard
in all the company's 1998 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting!" said GM vice-president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1998 sales
significantly.  "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your
next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXII or a
year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Although it did not officially begin until January 1st, 1998, the airbag
promotion has already been tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself,
'Oh boy, this is it - I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's
Martin Freike, who lost his wife but won fifty dollars Sunday when the
Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 m.p.h. and
slammed into an oncoming truck.  "When the car stopped rolling down the
embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was
getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, California resident Marjorie
Kemp, speaking from a hospital bed, where she is listed in critical
condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets,
but I still haven't won.  I swear, I'm going to win those tickets, even
if it kills me!"  Kemp said that as soon as she is well enough, she
plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the new airbag contest has been so well
received.  "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's
understandable.  After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes,
even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said.  "But now, when you drive a new
GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash.  Who
wouldn't like that?"  Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a
prize, but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM's official contest rules, the odds of winning the Grand
Prize, a 1998 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.  Statistical
experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly
worse.  "If you factor in the odds of getting into a serious car
accident in the first place - approximately 1 in 720,000, the actual
odds of winning a prize each time you step into your car are more like 1
in 31 trillion."  Furthermore, even if one is in an accident, there is
no guarantee the airbag will inflate.

"I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier,"
said Eire, Pennsylvania resident Jerry Rolaner  "My car was totalled
and, because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't
even inflate.  But what really got me is the fact that the drunk driver
who rammed the side of my car with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal,
won a $100 gift certificate from Office Depot.  That's just plain
wrong."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 18:08:49 EST
From:    "Gary M. Bender" <gbender@PEN.K12.VA.US>
Subject: Michael Kennedy and Sonny

TO BE SUNG TO THE TUNE, "I GOT YOU, BABE"

Mike:  They say that we can't go down the hill,
       Before we go we really should write a will.

Sonny: Well I don't know if all that's true,
       Watch out for that bush, 'cause I think it really grew.

Sonny: Tree
Both:  I hit you, tree.
       I hit you, tree.

Mike:  They say football on skis is really dumb,
       Before we know it we'll both be very numb.

Sonny: I guess that's so, the wind's in our hair,
       You did the sitter, but baby I did Cher.

Sonny: Tree
Both:  I hit you, tree.
       I hit you, tree.

Mike:  I got flowers on my grave.
       It was stupid, but baby, we seemed brave.

Sonny: And we weren't drunk, just acting like clowns.
       We didn't see the tree, but we sure found the ground.

Mike:  Don't let them say that we can't ski,
       We were doin' pretty good 'til we hit that goddamn tree.

Sonny: So I put my little hand on the branch,
 Thought I'd break my fall, but wound up buying the ranch.

Sonny: Tree.
Both:  I hit you, tree.
       I hit you, tree.

Sonny: I had Cher to hold my hand.
Mike:  She had you then found a real man.
Sonny: I had Newt to think with me.
Mike:  I had Ted to drink with me.
       I went and kissed that tree goodnight.
       Split my skull from left to right.
       I hit the tree, I can't let go.
       My blood is dripping on the snow.

Both:  I hit you, tree.
       I hit you, tree.
       I hit you, tree.
       I hit you, tree.

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Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 20:42:50 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Jan 1998 to 24 Jan 1998
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