HUMOR Digest - 22 Jan 1998 to 23 Jan 1998
There are 18 messages totalling 826 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke Clean: Sounds Fishy
  2. Language Barriers
  3. Easiest Quiz in the World!
  4. Phone humour <clean>
  5. What women should <off. to caring men(if you find them)>
  6. HUMOR: more statistics <sex but not off.>
  7. Humor - Weird Business News  (2nd of 3)
  8. Bumper snickers <a few mildly offensive to one group or another>
  9. Top 10 Things you don't want to hear
 10. The Queen and the Pope
 11. Coach's afterlife <poss off to Denver Bronco fans>
 12. The Flu
 13. <HUMOUR> A play with words
 14. Did you ever wonder why...
 15. Sun god
 16. A Little Vacuous Humor
 17. Monkey Trail..<clean>
 18. Interesting News of the Day

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 23:21:55 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Sounds Fishy

While two men were fishing from a dock, one of them accidentally dropped
his wallet into the water.They peered into the depths and watched as a
carp swam by and scooped the wallet up to its mouth, Suddenly another
carp appeared and snatched the wallet away, only to have a third grab it
from him. The two fishermen looked at each other in disbelief. "Joe,"
said one, "that's the first time I've ever seen  CARP-TO-CARP WALLETING."

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type.
Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'CARP IN TUNNEL' SYNDROME."

If you love salmon the way I do, raw (Sushi), lox (smoked), poached,
grilled, barbecued, in salads, then you might be interested in how
salmon spawn. As you may know, they swim upstream. In fact, before they
became threatened as a species, one could go salmon fishing during the
salmon runs. My dad used to do that every year and we were the happy
beneficiaries of the ease with which he could catch them. Well, that
vulnerability turned out to be an error in calclation on the part of the
salmon. You see, once upon a time, salmon used to only swim upstream
during night hours. At night, they could not be seen as well. However,
one particularly observant salmon noticed that most creatures, including
the fishes' greatest enemies, fisher birds, slept at night and hunted
during the day. So, the Salmon Council was drawn together and this
particularly observant fish presented his observations. It was decided,
on the basis of this very persuasive argument, to call a vote to decide
whether the salmon should rest during the day, as they always had, or
rest at night. You can guess what happened. When the presiding fish
asked, "When should we rest?", SALMON CHANTED, "EVENING."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 02:53:52 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Language Barriers

*   Since the "Cold War" was over, a squadron of Russian pilots
  were invited to participate in tactical war games at a US Air
  Force base. A gala dinner was planned by the Base Commander.
    Thinking to relax the guests, he offered a WW II toast to
  open the meal.  Smiling, he lifted his glass and said, "Eat,
  drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die." in Russian.
    The Russian pilots became very quiet and they hardly ate;
  most left quite early. Thinking they didn't care for the food,
  the Commander asked a Russian pilot what went wrong.
    "Well, comrade commander," he said, "I thought it was going
  well until your toast.  I don't know what you were meaning to
  say, but what came out was 'Feast, drink and make happy, for
  tomorrow we will kill you'."
                                - - - - -

* A middle aged American, his face drawn in moderate anguish,
  came charging down the Berlin banquet hall corridor, and saw
  another American. He took him by the shoulder and gasped, "For
  God's sake, I gotta go to the bathroom.  Tell me quick, am I
  a Damen or a Harren ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A Cuban was in a Miami classroom reading from a Hans Christian
  Anderson book.  "Teacher ?" asked the little girl, "Please, does
  m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage ?"
    "No my child." sighed the teacher, "But it should... it should."
                                - - - - -

*   A high ranking official from the Clinton Administration was
  invited to speak at a banquet tendered by the Don Q Rum Corp.
  in Puerto Rico.  The man delivered his speech nobly, but for
  one fatal flaw.  He persisted in referring to his hosts as the
  "makers of that wonderful Bacardi rum".
    Every time he mentioned the competing name "Bacardi", an
  official from Don Q would jump up and correct him saying, "Don
  Q, senor, Don Q !"
    The smiling Clinton aide would answer, "You're welcome".


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 12:30:11 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Easiest Quiz in the World!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
 3) From which animal do we get catgut?
 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
 7) What was King George VI's first name?
 8) What color is a purple finch?
 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ (no peeking!)

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November.  The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fir.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert.  When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of
Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course.  From 1618 to 1648.


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 10:21:40 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Phone humour <clean>

This guy called me the other night and said:
    'Hello... Is that 7, double 7, 7, double 7?'
and I said:
    'Yes it is? - How can I help you?'
and he said:
    'Can you call 999 and get some round here because my finger
is stuck in 7!'

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 14:33:01 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: What women should <off. to caring men(if you find them)>

         WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

 1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his
      stomach you're aiming to high.
 2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
    do-it-yourself types.
 3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
    you've got sick of him.
 4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
    He probaly lies about other things too.
 5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she
     asked her husband to do.
 6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
 7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
 8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men --
    "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).
 9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces
    so you can tell them apart.
 10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
 11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
     you will usually find that he is.
 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
     the work of five men -- a women.
 13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
     caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
 14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially
     violent -- but they make great pets!
 15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
 16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
     someone else's.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 10:21:15 -0500
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: more statistics <sex but not off.>

Now some clowns at American Demographics (SEE http://www.demographics.com )
have gone and pitched a spanner into the works!  The article is called "No Sex,
Please ... We're College Graduates" (by "Professor John Student").  The title
is an exaggeration, but their hard cold data is that high school graduates have
sex 58 times a year, college grads have it 56 times a year and those who have
gone on to graduate school have it only 50 times a year (self-abuse excluded).

There was an article in ourlocal paper about that study. It also said that
the study found that the groups that have the most sex are gun owners,
people who listen to jazz music, and people who have no faith in the
abilities of the president of the U.S.

My husband was quite confused whenI informed him that we needed to buy a gun
and start listening to jazz to make up for be being a graduate student...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 10:01:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News  (2nd of 3)

Copied from Houston Chronicle's Business Columnist, Jim Barlow:

               Weirdness begins a new fiscal year

 IT'S A NEW YEAR, but the people who populate business haven't changed.  As
proof, here's another edition of Weird Business News.

 The Surprise, Surprise Award to Accountemps, the temporary staffing
service for accounting personnel. An exhaustive survey found that the
favorite leisure activity of 40 percent of all chief financial officers of
corporations is -- drum roll please -- golf.

 Surprise, Surprise Award (second place) to DecisionQuest, a California
trial consulting firm. Its survey of potential jurors was summed up in a
press release headline which proclaimed: "Typical American jurors believe
attorneys are greedy."

 The Name That Building Award to the unnamed bellman at Harrah's Las Vegas
hotel, as reported by Travel Weekly, a trade magazine.  The hotel's new
tower has bright orange interior walls. According to the bellman, the staff
calls it the Rodman Towers in honor of the Chicago Bulls basketball player
-- Dennis of the multihued hair.

 Thanks to Houston public relations man Bob Rowley for our Most Unusual
Want Ads Award. He picked up a flier from Tim Deremer Productions, which
was advertisin for "dependable, hard working, male & female assistants,
magician, fire eater, juggler, sword swallower, blockhead, midget, fatboy
and other unusual working acts." And if you are ready to quit the corporate
rat race, there's this kicker. "Will train." Call 330-494-2623. No collect
call please.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 12:43:39 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bumper snickers <a few mildly offensive to one group or another>

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* All men are idiots ... I married their king.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* Hang up and drive.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.

* Cats... the other white meat.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to GET you!

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...  till you can find a rock.

* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 11:04:19 -0700
From:    Beth Stoker <beth_stoker@QMAIL.BBMBC.ORG>
Subject: Top 10 Things you don't want to hear

 10. What do you mean we can't make personal calls on this phone?
  9. What is that smell? Is that you?
  8. Did you feel that?  Did the elevator just lurch?
  7. So how did you ever come out on that moralities charge?
  6. Yeah I think this diet is working for me too I'm down to 750.
  5. This morning sickness is killing me.
  4. Did the doctor say  your rash is highly or mildly contagious?
  3. Mommy, I had an accident.
  2. Hey babe, what's your sign?
  1. The good news is we can have you unstuck in about 5 hours the bad
     news is we can't shut off the music.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 13:25:53 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Queen and the Pope

The Queen of England and the Pope are on the same stage.  Huge crowd.
The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make
it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope,
did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every
English person in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough, the little royal gloved
wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd.
Gradually it subsides.  His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a
woman who, incidentally, is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is,
thinks to himself, "What am I to do?"  Then it dawns on him.  "Your
Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that, with one nod of my
head, I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy?  This
joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this
joy will go deep into their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice
for months."

The Queen seriously doubts this..."One little nod of your head, and all
the Irish are joyous for a week?  Show me."

So the Pope head butts her.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 15:28:01 -0600
From:    Richard Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Coach's afterlife <poss off to Denver Bronco fans>

COACH'S AFTERLIFE

After coach Shanahan dies and enters the Pearly Gates,
God takes him on tour.  He shows Mr. Shanahan a little two-room
house with a faded Denver Broncos banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach.  Most people don't get their own houses
up here," God says.

Coach Shanahan looks at the house, then turns around and looks at
the one sitting on top of the hill.  It's a huge three-story mansion
with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.
Green Bay flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Packers
banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question.  I get this
little two-room house with a faded banner and Mike Holmgren gets a huge
mansion with Packers banners and flags flying all over the place.
Why is that?"

God looks at Shanahan seriously for a moment.  "That's not Holmgren's
house," God says "That's my house."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 10:39:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The Flu

Last week, millions of chickens were slaughtered in Hong Kong to
prevent a deadly flu epidemic.  But how, you may wonder, did such a
tragic event begin?

Well... it started in the home of two brothers, Hing and Ming.  The
young men lived on a small chicken farm in the village of Kaopoo.  And
one day in early December, the boys were shocked to find their
chickens were violently ill.  The birds began to molt - and as their
feathers fell away, the chickens shook with fever and chills.  Hing
and Ming were greatly alarmed. What to do?  The brothers both vowed
that they would search night and day to find a cure.

Hing raced to the city and enrolled at the University of Hong Kong.
He boned up on ornithology.  He took a class in ancient Chinese herbal
medicine.  At last, he found the remedy:  a potion extracted from
gum-tree leaves.

He hurried back to the farm, gathered bushels of gum-tree leaves,
brewed a vat of tea and poured it into his chickens around the clock.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all over China.  He consulted Buddhist
priests. He prayed at the shrines of his ancestors.  And one night, he
had a dream in which his ancestors appeared and revealed the cure:
Feed the chickens an herbal tea made from gum-tree leaves.

Ming returned home, and he was amazed that Hing, too, had discovered
the same cure!  With renewed passion, the boys gathered whole
cartloads of gum-tree leaves.  They brewed barrels of tea.  They
poured them into the chickens night and day -- but alas, it was no
use.  The birds remained sick and bald.

One by one, the chickens died of the flu.  And as word of the epidemic
spread, Chinese medical authorities began slaughtering infected
poultry all across Hong Kong.

THE MORAL:  All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's kin couldn't make
gum tea refeather a hen.


---
OK, I'm weird but I'm practicing to be eccentric!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 09:15:21 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> A play with words

Another from Nury Vittachi

A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turns on the highway.

The local newspaper reports that the onlookers were "stunned,
overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 20:32:32 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Did you ever wonder why...

Did you ever wonder why...

You park in the drive way
        and
Drive on the park way

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 19:23:34 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Sun god

Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 21:43:48 EST
From:    Lee Wolfle <WOLFLE@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: A Little Vacuous Humor

   Q.:  What will Seinfeld fans do after the final episode?

   A.:  Nothing.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Jan 1998 09:32:33 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Monkey Trail..<clean>

Try This Interesting Question...

Once there was a small baby monkey stranded on a small island.
There was nothing on this island except dry grass and a single coconut
tree with many coconuts. One hot day, the dry grass caught
fire. The  fire spread quickly and soon the whole island was on fire.
To escape the fire the small baby monkey climbed up the coconut tree,
but the wind was  strong and the fire was quickly working its way
towards the tree. By now the  tree and the monkey was surrounded by fire.
The question now is,
WHAT SHOULD THE SMALL BABY MONKEY DO TO ESCAPE THE FIRE ?????

The answer is ........................

If a big monkey like you don't know the answer, How do you expect a
small baby monkey to know.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 23:19:30 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Interesting News of the Day

 EXTORTION RECEIPT

 HONG KONG (Reuter, 09-14) - A gangster who had extorted money from local
 businesses in exchange for "protection" has been arrested after issuing a
 receipt - complete with his name and ID number - to one of his victims.
 Chan Koon Shing demanded HK$400 ($50 US) from a medical clinic, claiming
 the business was in his gang's territory. Dr.Lui Siu-ko asked for a receipt
 which he turned over to police. Chan was later arrested and sentenced to
 one year in jail.

AMAZING OPERATION

 LONDON (Reuter, 09-15) - A British doctor performed a bizarre operation
 by detaching a woman's head from her spinal column, then placed it back
 with a metal plate and two screws. Bridget Fudgell, 36, suffered from a
 neck condition in which her head was fixed permanently looking downwards.
 Neurosurgeon Steve Gill removed the woman's head, leaving only attached
 to her spinal chord, key blood vessels and the skin tissue at the front
 of her neck. The 17-hour operation was successful and the patient thanked
 Dr. Gill for changing her life.

NAUGHTY DOG (JUDGE?)

 NEW YORK (Reuter, 09-11) - A Connecticut judge is accused of sexually
 harassing women by allowing his dog to assault and interfere with their
 access to the courthouse. One of the plaintiffs claims the Golden
 Retriever "aggressively nuzzled" her, raised her skirt and "projected
 its snout upward toward (her) crotch."   The suit alleges violation of
 constitutional rights and gender discrimination because the dog only
 went after women wearing skirts.

CHOKING DEATH

 PONTIAC, Mich. (Dallas Morning News, 09-13) - A patient who went home from
 a hospital died after choking on a latex surgical glove left inside his
 throat. Authorities are investigating the choking death of 47-year-old
 Gary Harmon who went home after a nine-day treatment for asthma and
 emphysema at the St. Joseph Mercy-Oakland Hospital. "He was coughing,
 coughing and coughing, saying something was there, but he couldn't get
 it up," said his wife, Karen Harmon. The hospital is cooperating with the
 police and medical examiner in their investigation.

WHY ARE THEY DISGRUNTLED?

 WHITE PLAINS, NY (AP, 09-13) - A mail carrier has been fired after 18
 years of service because her stride is too short. Martha Cherry, 49, who
 is 5-foot-5, has been observed walking her delivery route at 66 paces per
 minute with a stride less than one foot. Her removal notice stated: "At
 each step, the heel of your leading foot did not pass the toe of the
 trailing foot by more than one inch. As a result, you required 13 minutes
 longer than your demonstrated ability to deliver mail to this section of
 your route."  Customers along Cherry's route have disagreed with postal
 management's decision. One letter signed by more than 40 residents says:
 "If walking quickly is more important than kind, sensitive service to
 customers, then something is seriously amiss with the post office's
 priorities."  "I'm devastated," said Cherry. "My bosses are telling me
 that I don't do my job, but my customers let me know that's not true."

FORCED TO GET A LICENSE

 PITTSBURGH, PA. (The Tribune-Review, 09-11) - A man, who never drives
 a car, was ordered to get a driving license - just so the state can
 suspend it. Francis Glancy, 41, was arrested for riding his 10-speed
 bicycle under the influence of alcohol. "If he doesn't go and get a
 driver's license, he's gonna' end up with a criminal record," Assistant
 Public Defender Tom Caulfield said. Glancy injured himself when he fell
 off his bicycle while riding with a blood-alcohol level of 0.328 percent.

SWALLOWING THE KITCHEN

 TAORMINA, Italy (NT, 09-09) - An Italian doctor removed 46 teaspoons,
 two cigarette lighters, a pair of table thongs and other household
 objects from a 45-year-old man's stomach. The psychologically-disturbed
 man swallowed about 5 1/2 pounds of objects made of metal or plastic.
 "This is so extraordinary that I am going to present the case to the
 scientific community," said surgeon Vincenzo Morici.

FRIVOLOUS INMATE LAWSUITS

 WASHINGTON (AFP, 09-12) - Pennsylvania Attorney General Mike Fisher
 released the "Top 10 list of frivolous inmate lawsuits." In one case,
 an inmate claims his free speech was violated when prison officials
 prevented him from ordering magazines with titles such as "Gang Bang
 Family," "Cheerleader's Best Orgy" and "Daughter Loves Dog." Another
 prisoner who was disciplined for having oral sex with a visitor filed
 a lawsuit arguing his penis accidentally fell out of his pants. In
 another case, a prisoner alleged "that unknown law enforcement officials
 are sending transmissions to a microchip which Department of Corrections
 employees have surreptitiously implanted in his brain."  Frivolous
 lawsuits cost Pennsylvania taxpayers $3 million each year.

 IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

 Donald Hunt, 21, filed a lawsuit against the Louisiana State University,
 a fraternity and a local bar after a drinking incident which left him
 hospitalized and his roommate dead. Hunt said that he was forced to drink
 himself sick in order to join the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity.

 Scientists are studying the impact on global warming by the methane gas
 emissions released by New Zealand's large sheep population.

 Police authorities in Kent, UK, will not tolerate people who abuse the
 999 emergency service number. Some of the non-emergency calls recorded
 last year included requests for the frequencies of local radio stations
 and phone numbers for the local Chinese restaurants. One person called
 the emergency number and asked detectives to inform his mother that he
 was going to be late that evening. "We're fed up of getting hoax calls
 from lazy and clueless people who are wasting valuable police time and
 putting lives at risk," a police source said.

 Australian paramedics were forced to stand by and watch trains run over
 the body of a woman who committed suicide. Railroad officials refused to
 stop the trains and allow the paramedics to remove the body because it
 was morning rush hour. State Transport Minister Brian Langton apologized
 for the incident.

 A Chicago man claims acne medication caused him to commit battery and sex
 crimes against two men. Ernie Talarico Jr. used a stun gun to sexually
 molest the men in two separate incidents.  Talarico is suing the
 dermatologist who prescribed the medicine, as well as the manufacturer.

 Police put out hoax messages about aliens over the South Downs to trap
 people illegally tuning in to police radio frequencies. When carloads of
 people turned up to see the extraterrestrials, officers confiscated
 scanning equipment and warned against its use.

 A former topless dancer was sentenced to 12 to 30 months in prison for
 beating up a man outside an Erie (PA.) bar. The victim, Ronald Daniel,
 27, said: "She had no regard for my life."

 Swiss police captured a burglar by analyzing the ear prints he left on
 his victims' doors. The unidentified man was sentenced to four years in
 prison and is believed to be responsible for more than 380 house
 burglaries.

 A small St. Louis company believe s it has the answer for high-speed
 wireless Internet access and other data services. The company plans to
 investigate the possibility of special equipped planes flying circular
 paths 24 hours a day at an altitude of over 52,000 feet.

 Honduran officials welcomed Taiwan President Lee Teng-hui by placing
 full page ads in several local publications. There was only one mistake -
 the ads featured the flag of the People's Republic of China.

 A 12-year-old Romanian boy has returned home ... two months after his
 funeral. Claudiu Novac was buried after police convinced his parents
 that the body they have found was that of their missing son. "We saw
 it wasn't our son. But the police treated us as if we were heartless
 parents and forced us to say it was Claudiu," the boy's mother said.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Jan 1998 to 23 Jan 1998
************************************************

