HUMOR Digest - 21 Jan 1998 to 22 Jan 1998
There are 19 messages totalling 938 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Mans world? <language and Xtremely off. to women!!!!!>
  2. Cabbies
  3. HumorClean: Puns
  4. Top5 - 1/21/98 - Signs You've Got Super Bowl Fever
  5. The Visit <clean>
  6. HUMOR: 100 Reasons Why It Is Great To Be A Guy:part 2
  7. Stan Kegel isn't the only one who can make atrocious puns...
  8. Humor - Weird Business News (1st of 3)
  9. Brickbats from the deep south
 10. Easiest Quiz in the World (clean, with answers)
 11. Easier said than done...?
 12. Microsoft God
 13. Truth In Advertising
 14. Slip of the lip (G-rated)
 15. Thought For Your Life Perhaps ;-)<clean>
 16. FROM: THE TREES
 17. Residency Application to California <off. to Californians>
 18. More Quotes
 19. Top 10 Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An Online Affair <adult themes>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 09:26:36 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Mans world? <language and Xtremely off. to women!!!!!>

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
  None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.
  None. Let the bitch do it after she's done the dishes.
WHAT IS LOVE?
  The delusion that one woman differs from another.
WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN
  Because they don't come very often but when they do come,
  they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your
  house with them.  or Because what starts off as a small blow ends
  up taking half your house.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
  After 5 years your job still sucks.
WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
  So feminists couldn't breed.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN?
  How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
  Because they don't have bollocks.
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?
  Because they're ugly and they smell.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
  Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
WHY DID CAVEMEN DRAG THEIR WOMEN AROUND BY THE HAIR?
  If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with dirt.
WHAT'S THE DIFFENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
  You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE?
  They both irritate the shite out of you.
WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
  A bitch who won't do as she's told.
WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?
  They both spend too much time in your wallet,
  and not enough time on the end of your dick.
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR WIFE HAS DIED?
  Sex is still the same but the dishes keep piling up in your sink.
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
  Marriage.
WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER THERMIDOR?
  They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR?
  It's Braille for "Suck Here"
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
  They want to.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
  Lipstick.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
  Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.
WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
  Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
WHAT IS A WIFE?
  An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?
  The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
  So men will talk to them
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
  They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
  A ten-pound note
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS?
  Because they deserve them.
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
  Who cares, what the fuck was she doing out of the kitchen anyway.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 02:56:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cabbies

*   During one of those rare times when Mrs JimJr and I were
  using a cab, because of parking problems, I hailed one.
    As he was stopping she said, "Now please don't fraternize
  yourself into a big tip."
                                - - - - -

*   Don't ya love how barbers and cab drivers can converse on
  damn near any subject ?  A New York taxi driver had his own
  explanation for a possible collision between Earth and a
  meteor, after several movies were made on the subject.
    "Well, ya know, throwing all those things into space, ya
  gotta expect they'll throw a few back now and again."
                                - - - - -

*   In Washington DC, two D.A.R. ladies hailed a cab and asked
  to be taken to the meeting of the Daughters of the American
  Revolution at Constitution Hall.
    The cab driver looked them over dubiously and said: "If
  it's all the same to you ladies, take some other cab.  I
  ain't hauling no revolutionists 'round in MY cab !"
                                - - - - -

*   As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and
  out of heavy traffic with complete abandon.  After a few hair
  raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would
  you please be more careful ?  I have six children at home."
    "Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie.  "You got six kids
  and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful ?"
                                - - - - -

*   One cabbie, obviously a philosopher-type was replying to his
  passenger's comment on the heavy stop-and-go traffic.
    "Yeah.  I'll bet that most of the streets in this city that
  intersect are sorry afterwards."


http://www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 00:17:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: HumorClean: Puns

I came down with laryngitis last week, and one day while I was petting a
Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?."
I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."

As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger
asked "Paper or plastic?" "Doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm bisackual."

I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before the main
feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and asked to be excused
and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck always gives him Disneyspells.

An ace British aviator was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Afterwards,
every time he flew over Buckingham Palace he would did his wings in
salute. The Queen was asked, "Who is that?=" She replied, "That's the
fly-by knight!"

A one-L lama is a Tibetan Priest.
A two-L llama is a South American beast of burden.
A three-L lllama is a helluva fire.

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were a comedy team before they separated to
have separate careers. It was Dean who finally had enough and quit
telling Jerry, "I='m tired of being the guy from the wrong side of
the cracks."

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to
have her husband paged. "Sorry, Madum," came the reply, "The house does
not make doctor calls."

Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag
that she had made. It was the first flag poll.

Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine
which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the
Wrapper and he made a bundle.

Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.

When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.

Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show
you a man who is forging a head.

William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales,
which proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.

Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups
and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.

In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stabile
environment.

The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product Snow
Fakes.

The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The
Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough.

When the first calendar was produced in 1640, everyone knew its days
were numbered.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 05:48:36 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 1/21/98 - Signs You've Got Super Bowl Fever

                        January 21, 1998
         The Top 16 Signs You've Got Super Bowl Fever



16> For every bottle of Bud you drink, you smash a bottle of Bud
    Light into a million pieces and declare "Get used to it buddy,
    there's gonna be more where that came from!"

15> Rather than taking down your Christmas lights, you re-arrange
    them to spell "Broncos Suck."

14> You sent your rainbow wig out for its yearly clean-and-fluff.

13> Simply *got* to drink the beer, but refuse to miss any of the
    game or the cool commercials?  Hey, "Depends" aren't only for
    the incontinent!

12> Delirious, absurd thoughts of a possible AFC victory are going
    through your fevered head.

11> Your hair is matted like an Albert, you're as swollen as a
    Madden and you're sweating like a Gifford.

10> Unable to afford the ticket scalpers' prices on your own,
    you've just sent your daughter into town with a nice gentleman.

 9> You never before stopped to consider how gorgeous your wife
    would look in an orange-and-blue teddy.

 8> Suddenly, that green and yellow phlegm you just hacked up
    seems, well, darn right fervorous.

 7> 1) You've drawn really thick black lines under your eyes for
    the last month.  2) Your mother wasn't Judy Garland.

 6> Unable to find a plastic cheesehead, you arrange to have a
    30-pound slab of cheddar surgically attached to your forehead.

 5> You've painted your face green and yellow and you're wearing a
    cheesehead to work, despite the protests of the family of the
    deceased.

 4> "Vinny, put me down for $50,000 on the Bud Dry team."

 3> Boss wouldn't have minded you wearing your "Packer uniform" to
    work if it had consisted of something other than extensive
    tattooing.

 2> You're constant talking about Brett Favre's groin muscle has
    gotten your wife all excited.

    and the Number 1 Sign You've Got Super Bowl Fever...

 1> Every damn cartoon beaver is starting to look like John Elway.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 14:11:31 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Visit <clean>

The visit of my mother-in-law could not have occurred at a worst time.
My wife had run off with the milkman and I was missing him terribly. I
spent most of the day staring vacantly out of the window at the
garbage bins overflowing with rubbish, without really seeing them or
the rubbish, for that matter. When my mother-in-law flew in through
the open window, the tip of her broomstick hit my chest making me fall
backward and I hit my head on the many trays of half-eaten TV dinners
laying on the floor, except that they were not half-eaten any more
because Fester, my Bull Terrier had eaten the other half, or halves as
it were. With difficulty, I managed to get up and felt an
excruciating, practically unbearable pain in my chest, head and butt,
the latter due more to the presence of my mother-in-law than the
result of the fall. Casually brushing away a noodle that became
entangled in my hair and had been obviously missed by Fester, I tried
to look collected, whilst feeling morose and...

"Mariotti?"
"Yes?"
"You are supposed to post this trash to BlueDogSociete."
"That's right. So?"
"You just posted it to HUMOR."
"Oops... Let's hope they find it funny."
"You are pathetic."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 07:43:07 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR: 100 Reasons Why It Is Great To Be A Guy: part 2

51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
    even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
    about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like
    him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
    just too skeevy (filthy).
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
    population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
    your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
    become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
    the mood.
92. Censored (animal cruelty).
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
    and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...  notice
    anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 08:32:35 -0500
From:    janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Stan Kegel isn't the only one who can make atrocious puns...

A famous producer chose to make a movie about famous composers.
For some reason, he decided to cast famous action-adventure heroes
to  play the lead roles.

When asked whom he would like to play, Sly Stalone said, "I've
always admired Mozart, and even though they've already made a
movie about him, I'd like to play that composer."

Van Damm said, "Beethoven was a heroic figure. Even when deaf, he
created masterpieces and then conducted them. I'll be Beethoven."

And Arnie said, "I'll be Bach."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 10:43:17 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News (1st of 3)

Copied from Houston Chronicle's Business Columnist, Jim Barlow:

               Weirdness begins a new fiscal year

 IT'S A NEW YEAR, but the people who populate business haven't changed.  As
proof, here's another edition of Weird Business News.

 Our That Must Have Hurt Award to an unnamed major metropolitan newspaper
in Houston. In a listing of Christmas gifts, the writer touted a
pants-pressing device. "Device lets owner insert pants and walk away."

 Our Strategic Mission Statement of the Month to the following: "Norrell
Corporation is a strategic workforce management company that integrates
client business strategies with workforce strategies to strengthen
organizational effectiveness and flexibility."

 Events Not to be Missed: The 1998 First Annual Three Stooges West Coast
Convention, Burbank, Calif., Aug. 21. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

 The Life Vest Not Included Award to La Reserve at the Omni Houston Hotel,
which last November staged a theme dinner that copied the meal served on
the Titanic just before the ship had an unfortunate meeting with an Ocean
on the Rocks. $175 per person.

 The Appetizing Press Release Headline of the Month for "In-Sink-Erator
invites you to talk about garbage over breakfast."

 Riveting Fact of the Month as Gleaned from a Press Release: Customers and
staff at the 13 casinos Harrah's operates use 120 million feet of toilet
paper a year.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 12:32:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats from the deep south

Guns don't kill people. Skiing kills people.

May we should give Saddam Hussein a vacation. An all-expenses-paid
ski trip might do the trick.

Congress will soon pass a law requiring all trees on ski slopes to
have air bags.

Bumper sticker: Money isn't everything, but it sure keep the kids in
touch.

Sign posted in beer store: Drink your beer here 'cause there ain't
none in heaven.

There seems to be great confusion among Atlanta drivers as to exactly
how many are supposed to go through on a red light.

Comment from my wife as we're driving the Connector during rush hour,
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

My wife's birthday is in February, and she said she wants to go
somewhere warm. So I told her to stand in the kitchen and bake
herself a birthday cake.

I'm an old-timer with a serious marital problem. I have the 70-year
itch.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 20:12:46 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Easiest Quiz in the World (clean, with answers)

(courtesy of the Comedy List)

 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
 3) From which animal do we get catgut?
 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
 7) What was King George VI's first name?
 8) What color is a purple finch?
 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ (no peeking!)

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November.  The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fir.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert.  When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of
Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course.  From 1618 to 1648.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 13:46:17 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Easier said than done...?

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 14:01:44 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft God

Subject:  New Microsoft Product <possibly offensive to Microsoft
          employees or devotees and Christians without a sense of humor>

New Microsoft Product

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright,
and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably
enough, Microsoft God, and would be available to consumers some time in
late 1998. Too many people feel separated from God in today's world,"
said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division.
"Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy,
intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but
easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude
of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper
accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from
competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God
with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible
from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It
introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and
Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a
Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product
will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of
time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of
the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to
construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their
sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product
will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of
secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary
products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the
functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a
customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular
religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God
product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is
expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism,
Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to
release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to
render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 18:28:21 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Truth In Advertising

     This is from an actual trial in the UK.

     A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she
     noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
     account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
     amused.

     She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She
     had him arrested.

     Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
     acted in such a manner. His reply was:

     When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
     pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read
     "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read
     "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".

     I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement
     which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".

     Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she
     sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have
     prevented this accident."

     The case was dismissed.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 19:25:42 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Slip of the lip (G-rated)

(I'm forwarding this the request of David Wall)

A friend of mine at work dropped into my office a few days ago wanting
some help with her son's homework.  He's in an advanced mathematics
class in high school, and since I'm a statistician and have a head full
of trivia, she thought I could possibly help.  The homework wanted such
bits of info as "five interesting facts about pi", "how to determine the
circumference of the earth using the sun's shadow", and so on.  After
regaling her with bits of historical trivia for a few minutes, she said,
"You know, you're really smart.  Are you a member of the, uh... Menses
Society?"

(Of course I burst into laughter, as did she after she realized what she
had said.  I was in a state of low-level hysterics for several minutes.
My immediate response -- besides laughing -- was to say "I don't think so
-- at least I wasn't the last time I looked."  Another friend
suggested, "I'm not, but my mother is.")

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 09:55:16 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Thought For Your Life Perhaps ;-)<clean>

(And no, I am not competing with Bill.)

"Getting divorced just because you don't love is almost as silly
 as getting  married just because you do.."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 20:57:57 -0800
From:    Jack Falk <jackfalk@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: FROM: THE TREES

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FROM: THE TREES

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH
WeEK.
TheRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 23:27:31 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Residency Application to California <off. to Californians>

 Taken from Humour-List.

 Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man...

 Name: ____________________________________
 (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
 "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

 Age: _____

 Inner Child's Age: ___

 Age in Dog Years: ____

 Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ____

 Sex:
 _____ M
 _____ F
 _____ Hermaphrodite
 _____ Still working it out in therapy

 Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot

 Condition of Feet:
 ____ Wash Daily
 ____ Wash Weekly
 ____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man...

 Occupation:
 ___ Massage Therapist
 ___ Astral Counsel
 ___ Pet Psychologist
 ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful)
 ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
 ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
 ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts
 ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia
 ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
 ___ Rent-A-Mob protester
 ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
 ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
 ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
 ___ LA rock star groupie
 ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
 ___ Professional Emotional Victim

 Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________

 Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
 ____ Astral Soulmate
 ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
 rent was cheap ____ My dog's massage therapist ____ "Just Friends"
 ____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
 as tax deduction(s)

 Number of Children in Commune: _____

 Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____

 Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of
 Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

 Mother's Name: ____________________

 Father's Name: ____________________

 Where were you were conceived:
 ____ Woodstock
 ____ Monterey
 ____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub
 ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show

 Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:
 __________________

 Number of copies sold: ____

 Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____

 Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
 wind chimes: ___

 Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

 Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____

 Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
 ____ Donahue
 ____ Ricki Lake
 ____ Geraldo
 ____ Sally Jesse
 ____ The morning news' surf report

 Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

 Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals:
____

 Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____
 (if all, enter "on tour")

 Number of bongs you own: ____

 Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed
 ran out: ____

 Political Party Affiliation:  (Choose as many as you have
 personalities)
 ____ Green Party
 ____ American Communist Party
 ____ Socialist Party
 ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
 ____ Hemp Party ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
 Hotline Party ____ New Age Goddess Party

 How far is your home from the waterline:
 ___ Miles
 ___ Yards
 ___ Feet
 ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth,
 in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

 Number of surfboards owned: ____

 Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",
 "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
  totally don't know)


http://www.humour-list.com/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Jan 1998 00:30:00 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: More Quotes

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
 --Bob Ettinger

 "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:  Duh."
 --Conan O'Brien

 "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
 --Warren Hutcherson

 "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends.  If they are okay, then it's you."
 --Rita Mae Brown

 "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
 --Dick Cavett

 "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
 --Rita Rudner

 "The Swiss have an interesting army.  Five hundred years without a  war
.  Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them.  Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?  Not much of a weapon there.
 Corkscrews.  Bottle openers.  'Come on, buddy, let's go!  You get past
me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.  Back off!  I've got the
toe clippers right here!' "
 --Jerry Seinfeld

 "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."
 --Lynda Montgomery

 "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
 --Marilyn Pittman

 "I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think.  I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself.  You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire.  Me, me, me.' You
 know.  'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a
little bit?"
 --Garry Shandling

 "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
 --Paul Rodriguez

 "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast."
 --Johnathan Katz

 "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
 --Robin Williams

 "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
 --Jerry Seinfeld

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 23:31:24 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Top 10 Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An Online Affair <adult themes>

Taken from Humour-List.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE MAY BE HAVING AN ONLINE AFFAIR

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
 9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
 8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
 7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
 6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
 5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
 4. Lipstick on the mouse
 3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
 2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt
 1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear


http://www.humour-list.com

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Jan 1998 to 22 Jan 1998
************************************************

