HUMOR Digest - 20 Jan 1998 to 21 Jan 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 535 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke Clean: The Pandacerus
  2. Mrs JimJr Rides Again
  3. HUMOR: Van Gogh's Relatives,groaners
  4. 1st Grade Proverbs (not off.)
  5. <humor> Two Brief Stories
  6. correction to "Two Brief Stories"
  7. Funny Signs
  8. Rolling Stones and Scots <sexual, offensive to Scots>
  9. Clinton (off to Clinton fans)
 10. Humor - Finger Flipping Frog (Naughty)
 11. Joke Clean: A Musical Pair
 12. On Women And The Battle..<clean>
 13. Giving to the Poor (Poss. Off. To Medical profession)

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Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 00:10:38 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: The Pandacerus

In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering have
become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of genetic
experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not the Dr.
Moreau immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but the real
Pierrre Moreau who actually attempted to form new species from unrelated
animals. Most of his experiments failed. Most of the documents that
survived deal with his attempts to cross a dog and a cat, but none lived
more than a few hours after birth. His studies were ridiculed by the
French Academy of Science and he died in disgrace not realizing he was a
hundred years before his time.

He had only a single success, which occurred when he cloned the
chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China. Only
one of this new species, which he called a pandocerus survived beyond
infancy but with dilegence and care, one did grow to full maturity.

This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500 pounds.
It had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch hollow
cylindrical horn on its forehead. The horn communicated through a canal
with the posterior pharynx, which, unlike the elephant which uses its
trunk to breathe, was primary used for feeding. His daily supply of
bamboo shoots and berries was placed in the horn and with the use of a
plunger-like devise invented by Dr. Moreau, the beast could get its
frequent feedings as it desired.

It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with
children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This made
commercial production of pandaceri uneconomical, and the process was
never repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples.

In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories, Moreau
sold his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was the
premier attraction for two years before its untimely death from
pneumonia.Visitors from throughout the world travelled to have an
opportunity to pet this wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus de
Royal was the most talked about and visited entertainment center in all
of Europe.

Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world=92s only
pandacerus, there are few still alive that remember their trips to the
circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent FURRY
WITH THE SYRINGE ON THE TOP.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 03:40:14 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Mrs JimJr Rides Again

*   When I worked at Headquarters, Mrs JimJr would sometimes
  meet me there for lunch.  As we were going down in the
  elevator, a high-octane secretary got on.  She poked me in
  the ribs and said "Hi there cutie-pie."
    Mrs JimJr, ever unflappable, smiled and said to her, "Hi
  there yourself.  I'm Mrs Pie."
                                - - - - -

*   At a party one time, I was talking to this really knock-out
  lil' thang while Mrs JimJr was conversing with the hostess in
  another room.  I excused myself to get us some drinks.
    As I returned, having been delayed by a brief chit-chat, I
  saw her talking to Mrs JimJr, and knowing all about military
  strategy concerning wives, I turned and hid behind a group.
    I heard the blonde say, "I was talking with the nicest man a
  moment ago.  I don't know where he went."
    Mrs JimJr simply said, "Perhaps he saw me come in.  He's my
  husband."
                                - - - - -

*   Sometimes I might over-do the "my wife she" jokes at social
  events.  I knew on the way home by her silence that Mrs JimJr
  was fuming.  I told her that I was sorry and apologized.
    She said, "OK, next time, how about insulting me in the car
  and apologizing at the party ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Not sure how many of you still attend high school reunions,
  but not long ago, I went to my 35th.  On the way home, I said,
  "It was so nice to see all my old friends again.  So many of
  them thought I was dead."
    "Not if they looked closely." replied Mrs JimJr w/a smirk.
                                - - - - -

*   We all know at least one -- the classic bore.  Mrs JimJr and
  I had one over for dinner not long ago, and all he could talk
  about was his trip to the Grand Canyon.  This went on for what
  seemed like hours.
    As we sat down at the table, he said, "There I stood; drinking
  in the scene, with the giant abyss yawning before me."
    As Mrs JimJr was passing him a vegetable bowl, she said, "Oh ?
  And was it yawning before you got there ?"

www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 07:50:44 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR: Van Gogh's Relatives,groaners

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...
           --- U. Gogh
 The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white...
           --- Hue Gogh
 The real obnoxious brother ...
           --- Please Gogh
 The brother who ate prunes ...
           --- Gotta Gogh
 The uncle who worked at a convenience store...
           --- Stop N. Gogh
 His dizzy aunt ...
           --- Verti Gogh
 The cousin who moved to Illinois ...
           --- Chica Gogh
 His magician uncle ...
           --- Wherediddy  Gogh
 The cousin who lived in Mexico ...
           --- Amee Gogh
 The nephew that drove a stage coach...
           --- Wells Far Gogh
 The uncle who was constipated ...
           --- Cant Gogh
 The aunt who loved ballroom dancing...
           --- Tang Gogh
 His ornithologist uncle ...
           --- Flamin Gogh
 His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ...
           --- E. Gogh
 His cousin who loved tropical fruits...
           --- Mang Gogh
 And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking...
           --- Way Too Gogh
 His bouncy young nephew ...
           --- Poe Gogh
 His Disco-loving sister ...
           --- Go Gogh
 And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van ...
          --- Winnie Bay Gogh

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 07:56:56 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 1st Grade Proverbs (not off.)

 A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each
 child in her class the first half of a proverb and had them come up with
 the rest of it.

 As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
 Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
 Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
 It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
 You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
 Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
 A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
 You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
 If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
 The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
 An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
 Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
 Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
 A penny saved is........................................not much.
 Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
 Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
 cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
 Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
 When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 10:54:15 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Two Brief Stories

Bill Gillquist send me the following:
Subject: Another Lawyer Joke

   A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby.  Since his buddies
talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go.
   He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything
seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?"
   The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie
it up to a float just beyond the dock.  This way you don't bang up the finish
on the craft."
   "Well then", the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?"
        "Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a small raft
and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind
getting wet.
        "Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied.  "It's row vs wade."
			***********************

Bill Stains  (noted folksinger and songwriter) tells this one:

Two mice are being chased across a field by a wolf.  They duck into a small
space between a couple of rocks and find themselves in a large cave.  As
their eyes get used to the dim light one of them looks up at the high
ceiling and sees that it's covered with bats.  He tugs on his companion's
shoulder and says, "Look!  Angles."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 11:51:54 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: correction to "Two Brief Stories"

According to Bill StainEs, the one mouse looked up and said:

"Look! Angels!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 15:10:43 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Funny Signs

Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts

Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take a leak

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action

On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push"

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.

Scientist"s Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels

Butcher's window; Let me meat your needs

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you

Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Computer STore: "Out for a quick byte"

Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat
any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 14:08:37 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Rolling Stones and Scots <sexual, offensive to Scots>

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones sing, "Hey, you, get off a' my cloud", while the
Scotsman says, "Hey, MacLoud, get off a' my ewe."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 20:15:24 -0500
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Clinton (off to Clinton fans)

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him.    "What is it?" yells the
President.  "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want
to do about it?" the aide asks.  "Just go ahead and pay it." responds
the President.
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season.  The
umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton
grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the
field.  The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President!  I said, 'Throw
the first PITCH!'"
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish.  "The chicken sounds
good; I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods. "And the  vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the
fish," Hillary replies.
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.  Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A.  The nation.
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.  What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A:  "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air
Force One with two pigs under his arms.  At the bottom of the steps, he says
to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got
this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into
the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she
has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done
about it immediately!"
"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies.
"I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 19:23:31 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Finger Flipping Frog (Naughty)

          Finger-flipping frog can stay on beer labels

 NEW YORK (Reuters) -- A naughty frog with a raised middle finger may be
far from being a prince, but New York state must let the amphibian
gesticulate on beer bottle labels under free speech rights, a court has
ordered.

 "A picture of a frog with the second of its four unwebbed 'fingers'
extended in a manner evocative of a well-known human gesture of insult has
presented this court with significant issues concerning First Amendment
protections for commercial speech," the judges said.

 The prestigious U.S. Second Circuit Court of Appeals held that the New
York State Liquor Authority violated the U.S. Constitution by banning Bad
Frog Brewery from selling beer with the provocative label.

 In its ruling, dated last Thursday, the court overturned a lower court's
decision to throw out Michigan-based Bad Frog's commercial free speech
challenge to the liquor authority's ban.

 The federal appeals court for the Second Circuit, comprised of New York,
Connecticut and Vermont, said the district court had found that the frog's
gesture "'connotes a patently offensive suggestion,' presumably a
suggestion to have intercourse with one's self."

 But the three-member panel said the state's prohibition did not materially
advance its asserted interest in insulating children from vulgarity or
promoting temperance.

                  "Amphibian with an attitude"

 The court said hand gestures signifying an insult have been used
throughout the world for many centuries and the extended middle finger,
known in the United States as "giving the finger" or "flipping the bird,"
is said to have been used by Diogenes to insult Demosthenes in ancient
Greece.

 Bad Frog did not dispute that the gesture is widely regarded as an
offensive insult, and some versions of the label with the frog feature
slogans such as "He just don't care," and "An amphibian with an attitude."

 The labels have been approved for use by the Federal Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms and by at least 15 states, but they were rejected by
New Jersey, Ohio and Pennsylvania.

 "Bad Frog's label attempts to function, like a trademark, to identify the
source of the product. The picture on a beer bottle of a frog behaving
badly is reasonably to be understood as attempting to identify to consumers
a product of the Bad Frog Brewery," the court said.

 The panel said the information on the label relates to a commercial
transaction and that qualifies it for free speech protection under the U.S.
Constitution.


Copyright 1998 Reuters Limited.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 18:38:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: A Musical Pair

    That modern icon, Forrest Gump, was intellectually challenged, but
nevertheless worked very hard to maximize his potential, such as it was.
The protagonist of this story, Rosemary, was very similar to Forrest in
many respects. She worked very hard, she studied hard, and she greatly
hated being less smart than the other children. Generally, this made her
work even harder, but at times she became discouraged. One day she asked
her favorite teacher if she really would someday become smarter if she
continued to work very hard. The encouragement came, "YOU WILL BE
PARTIALLY SAGE,  ROSEMARY, IN TIME."

One thing you can say about ancient Egyptian society is that both
genders were equally prized. In fact, one of the most famous pharaohs
had many wives, most of whom bore him female children. Eventually, as
was frequently the case with such polygamous societies, he had dozens of
girls running all around the place. Pharaoh loved them each and every
one, and he filled one of the small Egyptian valleys with beautiful
marble statues honoring these children. Unfortunately, our modern times
are ignorant about the images of these young women, because an untimely
earthquake shook the valley and broke all the statues into fragments.
Pharaoh was greatly saddened. His Valley of Joy had become a continuous
affront to his eyes, and he wanted to fill it in. This was a task even
beyond the powers of a pharaoh, however. Pharaoh=92s advisors immediately=

sent for Howard the Duck. Howard was weird looking, loud, and might be
characterized as generally disrespectful. Pharaoh was not amused. "How
are you, a particularly worthless and foul example of a duck going to
fill in this Valley of Disaster?" he shouted. Howard reassured the king,
saying, "My feathers grow very quickly, and they are as hard as rock.
LIKE A RIDGE OVER RUBBLED DAUGHTERS, I WILL LAY MY DOWN."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 09:38:38 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Women And The Battle..<clean>

Women
=====
* Can you imagine a world without men ?
  No crime and lots of happy fat women.

* Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.

* Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.

The Battle
==========
* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Jan 1998 01:32:08 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Giving to the Poor (Poss. Off. To Medical profession)

A medical office is moving soon, and the secretaries sent a memo to the
doctors to see if anyone wanted a pile of old chest x-rays that were
gathering dust in a closet.

One suggested that we donate them to poor people who couldn't afford
x-rays of their own. More heart than brains, I guess.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Jan 1998 to 21 Jan 1998
************************************************

