HUMOR Digest - 19 Jan 1998 to 20 Jan 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 559 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. <HUMOR> Satan at church
  2. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  3. Hmmmmmmmm
  4. Bad prose CV <clean-ish>
  5. Humor From the Pulpit
  6. It's A Wacky World!
  7. The Lazy Husband (sexual)
  8. <No subject given>
  9. Joke Clean: Animal Husbandry
 10. Business Nuts
 11. On Husbands & Wives <clean>
 12. Venting: Anger as humor
 13. fish Q&A (poss. off. language)

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Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 15:33:07 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Satan at church

Courtesy of Nury Vittachi
----

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, all the people in tiny
Smithville wake up early and go to their local church. Before
the service starts, the towns-people sit in their pews and
talk about their lives, their families, etc...

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears. They all start screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their efforts to
get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

"And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 02:15:11 -0600
From:    Lambert Ed <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited Excerpts From The LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to American politicians, Steven Seagal, dieters,
OJ, Kato Kaelin, Barney, Disney, Starbucks

El Nino is in full swing. If it gets any worse, I'm going to need a stronger
sun block.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle got into the campaign mode by phoning the
McCaugheys and congratulating them on their seven babies. He did ask one
question, "Why are they called septuplets? I thought they were born in
November."

Dan Quayle criticized Al Gore's support for the "Ellen" show, once again
proving he'd rather be a critic for TV Guide than president. (Daily Scoop)

Vice President Al Gore completed a 26 mile marathon recently. This really is
a first - it's the longest anyone in the Clinton administration has gone in
the same direction since they took office.

Colin Powell, who announced he won't be running for president in 2000, once
said, "Politics requires a calling that I do not yet hear." Now, if a man
like Colin Powell can't hear it, how does Dan Quayle hear it? (Leno)

The US Post Office has a new stamp that shows life in the '50's with 3D
glasses, cars with fins and Hula-Hoops. If they want something on a stamp to
show what life was like in the '50's, why don't they print 6 cents?

Theodore Kaczynski's homemade cabin was shipped by truck from Montana so
jurors at his trial can examine it. When workers unpacked it, they found
Kato KAelin asleep on the couch.

Medical experts report that acupuncture really does work to relieve pain.
There's just one catch though - the needles have to be filled with Jack
Daniel's.

OJ Simpson's former estate was shown to carefully screened clients - you
wouldn't want a murderer moving into the house... (Leno)

In a recent interview, OJ said, "When women see me, they always give me the
thumbs up." Ok, well... he was only off by two fingers... (B'Brien)

The Japanese stock market tumble is having a serious economic effect. Toyota
has announced it will lay off 3,000 robots.

Time magazine is warning us about bad fish. Before this, it was hamburger
meat. You know what this means? The safest thing you can eat is Twinkies.
Have you ever heard of a bad Twinkie? Ever hear of a Twinkie recall? I don't
think so. (Leno)

The Senate is debating the McCain Feingold campaign finance bill. A poll
says 30% of Americans think McCain Feingold is a good idea, while the other
70$ think it is a premium lager.

Oil prices are rose during the summer because of tensions with Iraq. They
rose before that because of tensions about El Nino. Before that it was about
the Marlins winning the World Series, and before that it was about Ellen
coming out. Does anything ever happen that doesn't cause oil prices to rise?

A Milwaukee resident is suing the Nivea skin care company because its
sunblock failed to keep him from getting sunburned on his vacation. If he
wins, he plans to sue God for making the Earth too close to the sun.

The FDA just approved a new drug for obesity; they say it causes modest
weight loss when combined with diet and exercise. Of course, Twinkies
combined with diet and exercise do the same thing...

Former astronaut Edgar Mitchell believes aliens have crash landed on Earth,
the US government knows all about it, and some planes use technology derived
form captured alien spacecraft. He's also pretty sure this is how they came
up with Spam.

An FBI report says that crime is down because baby boomers are getting
older. While it's tru that robbery and murder are down, not rewinding videos
is up.

Wells Fargo will feature Starbucks in some of its California branches. With
the banks new covienent new latte loan, you'll be able to buy a drink for
the whole family.

Queen Elizabeth reopened Windsor Castle after a five year, $63 million
renovation that was finished six months ahead of schedule and $5 million
under budget. Paramount has asked her to produce "Titanic II".

Steven Seagal says a local militia group in Montana has threatened him over
the movie about a militia he is making there, and he has asked the FBI to
investigate. "We don't want to stop his film," claims one militia member,
"we just want him to stop his singing."

And finally, the creators of Barney are suing the San Diego Chicken for
pretending to beat up a fake Barney at games. "I sue you, You sue me, Let's
go see the grand jury..."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 04:18:09 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Hmmmmmmmm

*   A visiting Englishman was being given a tour of some of the
  finer older homes in Baltimore.  After about a half-hour, he
  said, "My word !  What hideous architecture.  Whatever is it ?"
    "Well.." his host replied, "it's known as Victorian."
                                - - - - -

*   I was telling Bruno, a Texan friend of mine, about a fish I
  had almost caught off Hilton Head, South Carolina.
    Bruno listened skeptically for a while, then said, "About
  the size of a whale, was it ?"
    I said, "Hell man !  I was baiting with whales !!!"
                                - - - - -

*   Y'all may remember my neighbor Babette, who can be as acid-
  tongued as I when dealing with the Yuppie set.  Once at a fund
  raiser in Columbia Maryland, she was approached by a Yuppette
  who said, "So glad to see you.  You're the first person I've
  seen tonite worth talking to.  These people are so boring."
    Babette looked at her and replied, "I must say -- you're
  far more fortunate than I."
                                - - - - -

*   Got another "fan letter" this week.  The lady was amazed at
  the volume of material I churn out.  I wrote back and said,
  "Well yes, but I wonder if the people on the list will still
  love me when I can't think of any more funny jokes."
    Her reply, back within minutes, said, "Of course we do !"
                                - - - - -

*   Skirted disaster this week with Mrs JimJr.  I made the comment
  that she had changed a lot since we were first married.
    She frowned and said, "That's a little ambiguous -- for better
  or for worse ?"
    Thankfully I was able to fashion an acceptable reply by saying,
  "Why, you could only change for the better of course."

    (Went right over her head. Yes, I do enjoy living dangerously)


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 14:07:49 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bad prose CV <clean-ish>

A HUMOR reader was inspired by the Bad Prose postings to attempt to
write the worst CV ever written. I have permission to share it, if I
find it amusing, which I do. I withheld names, changed locations and
titles, to try and make the company, a large American corporation,
unrecognisable.

Name <snip> <snip>. Joined XYZ in May 1978 as Junior Briefcase
Carrier. Reason for joining XYZ: Nobody else offered me a white-collar
job. I believe I was the result of some esoteric Affirmative Action,
being English-born with a Kurdish maternal grandfather, who emigrated
to the US and converted to Christianity. Mainly based in London and
Brussels which alternated as International Headquarters depending on
which political faction was having the upper hand in the ongoing
internecine wars. I was also based in the field, in Cairo and Dubai. I
suspect that it was the result of Personnel assuming that I spoke
Arabic because my grandfather was a Kurd, except that Kurds speak
Kurdish and not Arabic and equally, my grandfather always spoke
to me in English with an accent that, when I was a kid, I thought it was
Kurdish until my mother explained that it was American. However,
through devious manipulations and shameless politicking, I succeeded
to be transferred back to the Headquarters of the day, where I could
continue honing my skills at brownnosing (sic), backstabbing and
buzzwording. Those skills, coupled with sheer inertia forces, finally
led me to be promoted to Marketing Director, Middle & Near East. In
that capacity, I was able to realise the full potential of my
personality, by bullying my minions, playing favourites and,
satisfyingly, be at the receiving end of some brownnosing. At last.
At the time of the Great Downsizing of 1991, I was requested to put my
stuff in a cardboard box and leave the building and was given a
package which, whilst not being uncharacteristically generous, was not
too stingy either. This was not as much the result of past brownnosing
as to the fact that I knew what skeletons were in which closet.
Skills: All those indicated above. Also, I can hold a pen and a phone
and look busy, intelligent and purposeful.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 10:13:21 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Humor From the Pulpit

Our Pastor likes to use humorous stories to underline points in his sermon.
This one was so good that most of us missed the rest of the sermon because we
were writing it down.

It's a couple of days before a big wedding.  The Bride comes up with some bad
news for her mother:  she's found out that the young Step-Mother of the Groom
has bought the exact same dress to wear to the Wedding that she (the mother of
the Bride) is planning to wear.

The Bride's Mother tells her not to worry because she will just go and buy
another dress to wear to the ceremony.

"But mother," asks the Bride, "What will you do with the dress that you've
already bought?"

"Well," says mom, "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 11:02:02 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World!

                       A Digital Funeral.

LONDON (CNN) (c) -- A small field in the United Kingdom has become a
cemetery for Tamagotchis, the popular hand-held interactive virtual reality
pets.

 At a pet cemetery in the Cornish countryside of southern England, where
cats and dogs have been buried, a special area has been fenced off for the
electronic toys.

 On Saturday, two teen-age girls -- whose Tamagotchis called Sid and Arty
had expired -- had them buried.

 If users don't interact or play with the gadgets for a period, the toys
will expire. But the electronic gadgets can be reset and thus resurrected.

 At the cemetery, 14-year-old Danielle Perren wanted to remember her pet as
it was and not as it would be if she had reset the gadget.

 Cemetery owner Terry Squires says he's carried out burials for Tamagotchi
lovers in Switzerland, Germany, France, Canada and the United States. He
has also had queries from Japan.

 More than 40 million of the egg-shaped toys have been sold worldwide.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 20:24:59 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Lazy Husband (sexual)

     This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the
house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner,
and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most
husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.  One day the
toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the
toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I
look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
     The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got
home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try
to fix it for me?"
     Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next
day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she
steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running.  Would you
check on it?"
     And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag
repairman?"  Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman
called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the
washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen
out today."  He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
     "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or
having sex with them."
     "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
     She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 19:17:21 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his
hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father,"
the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when
the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a
dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank
you note from the priest.

A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I
owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge,
officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to
my community." The next morning the barber found  a dozen
doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from
the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut.
"How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge,"
the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country."
The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber
found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 16:14:12 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Animal Husbandry

There once was a snake farmer who had a pair of vipers he was trying to
breed. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each
other. Frustrated, he called up the local herpetologist, and explained
the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes, and looked at
them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there?
Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and made
two tables out of them. Put the table and snakes into a cage, and leave
them alone for a while." Well, the breeder thought this was insane, but
having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later, he
had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the expert, and asked her
how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, your snakes are
adders, and everybody knows that ADDERS CAN MULTIPLY ONLY ON LOG
TABLES."

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying
the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at
predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn
finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone
there might be able to help. Tom looked into the problem and came up
with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in
the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to
reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a
toss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said
Jim. "Yes," said Tom. "THEY NEED MONO-SODIUM GLUE TO MATE!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 12:30:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Business Nuts

From: Robert C. Woodman

Some Nuts Are Bad For Business

Mad scientists and the science-fiction horror stories often give us
reason to wonder as technology whirls forward at a dizzying pace.
Technology has created an opportunity for some to become obsessed with
numbers and analysis that can lead to equally science-fiction results.

On the job at one time or another most of us have experienced a
fear ful fleeting thought about this.  Perhaps in a way that a
proprietor of a short order establishment at 118 State Street
experienced.

When Cecil the accountant came into the restaurant for his morning
coffee he saw the new rack of peanuts by the cash register.  "Sam," he
yelled at the proprietor , "Do you realize what that peanut rack is
costing you?"  Sam said, "It's not gonna cost.  The rack is only 25
bucks and I get ten cents a bag for the peanuts that only cost me six
cents.  I think I will sell about 50 bags a week to start.  In 12 weeks
he rack is paid for and I make four cents a bag from then on."

Cecil shook his head sadly, "Wrong Sam, those peanuts are part of
your operation now and must carry a share of the overhead.  You know
Sam, the rent, heat, light, salaries for your waitress, cook  ."  Sam
broke in, "The cook?  What's he got to do with it?  He don't even know I
got peanuts."  Cecil began writing rapidly on a napkin.  "Sam, just
quickly, your peanut operation is going to have to pay $1,278 a year
toward general overhead costs.  Well, maybe a little more like $1,313
when you consider window washing, soap for the washroom, etc."  Sam held
up his hand.  "The peanut salesman said all I got to do is put 'em on
the counter and every bag I sell is four cents more profit.

Cecil sniffed with contempt.  "Sam, he is not an accountant.  Do
you know what that space on your counter is worth?"  "Hey, it ain't
worth nothin'," said Sam, "there's no stool there."  "Sam you have 60
square feet of counter and you gross $15,000 a year.  That space is
worth $250 per year."  Ya mean I gotta add $250 a year to the peanuts?"
"Right Sam, add that to your operating costs and that comes to $1,563
per year or 60 cents per bag if you sell 50 bags of peanuts per week.
If you pay six cents per bag, that's 66 cents cost per bag.  If you sell
them for ten cents, you will be losing 56 cents on every bag you sell."
Okay Cecil, you're so smart, what do I do?"

"You have to cut operating expenses," said Cecil, "move where the
rent is lower, cut salaries, take the soap out of the washroom.  If you
can cut operating expenses by 50 percent you can cut your cost per bag
to 36 cents.  In order to make four cents per bag, raise your price from
ten cents to 40 cents."  Sam said, "Forget it.  I'll just throw the damn
nuts out.  All I lose is 25 bucks for the lousy rack and three bucks
worth of peanuts."  Cecil shook his head.  "It's not that easy Sam, you
are in the peanut business.  If you throw them away you add $1, 563
annual overhead to the rest of the operation   you can't afford that."

Sam looked at the ceiling, "Last week I made money, now I'm in
trouble because I wanted to make a few extra bucks on peanuts."  Cecil
smiled, "That's right Sam, you can't avoid making these poor decisions
unless you consult with a sharp accountant like me first."

Cecil patted Sam's shoulder and assured him that survival in the
business world was not easy.  The modern science of market management is
very complex.

Ralph Wurster, Editor of Quality Magazine / February, 1984


---
I may have been born at night but it wasn't LAST night.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Jan 1998 09:28:42 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Husbands & Wives <clean>

Husbands
========

* Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is
  to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to
  let her have it.

* Married men live longer than single men,
  But married men are a lot more willing to die..

* Any married man should forget his mistakes
  - no use for two people to remember the same thing.

Wives
=====

* Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

* Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 22:59:10 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting: Anger as humor

What better way to end the "Seinfeld" series than to have Newman go
postal in the final episode?

I am so glad that there is only one chance for first impressions --
they are so unreliable.

Until the media informed me, Iw as not aware that the biggest crisis
in my life was "Seinfeld" going off the air.

The salesman said it was guaranteed for a lifetime. If I had known
that, I would have sent someone younger to buy it.

It has been proven that the first step to burglar proofing your home
is cleaning your gun.

If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's
all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

That Folgers coffee commercial has it all wrong. The best part of
waking up is waking up.

It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their
own washer and dryer.

Twenty years ago, when we got married, I told my husband I'd never
take off his wedding ring. What he doesn't know today is that I
couldn't get it off if I wanted to.

Never slap a guy in the face who is chewing tobacco.

One way I save time is by not listening to the news whenever the
lead story is a puff-story, e.g., "President Clinton was disposed
for six hours ...." If that's the most important thing that happened
this weekend, then I'm safe for another day.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 21:25:21 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: fish Q&A (poss. off. language)

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

A: Damn!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Jan 1998 to 20 Jan 1998
************************************************

