HUMOR Digest - 18 Jan 1998 to 19 Jan 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 470 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke Clean: Festivities on Mount Olympus
  2. Rural Living
  3. Education (Adult)
  4. The Battle of the Sexes
  5. Spice Girls (Offensive to spice girls and their fans)
  6. I can't get no satisfaction (sexist)
  7. The Jerks (ny Patrick Hanifin, clean)
  8. Three quick jokes <offensive to good comics everywhere and maybe most
     everybody else>
  9. Joke Clean: Night Fishing
 10. Top5 - 1/19/98 - The Unabomber and the Shrink (fwd)
 11. On Marriage <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 00:50:10 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Festivities on Mount Olympus

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had
thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the
goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and
beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was
staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying
to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he
went to steady them. THIS MARKED THE FIRST  TIME THAT A WHIRLED CERES
WAS HELD WITH A DOUBLE-HEADER.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 04:06:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Rural Living

*   A friend of mine, who stuttered rather badly, went to a
  specialist and after ten difficult weeks was able to say
  quite distinctly: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled
  peppers."  I congratulated him on his achievement.
    Frowning, he replied doubtfully, "B-b-but it's s-s-such
  a d-difficult remark to w-w-w-work into a c-c-conversation."
                                - - - - -

*   About a year or so ago, I was bothered by a pain in my
  ankle.  I had injured it doing yardwork somehow. I finally
  ended up going to the doctor.  He examined me, and w/o even
  taking any x-rays said, "Mr. Moore, how long have you been
  walking around like this ?"
    "About two weeks or so Doctor, why ?" I responded
    "Well... your ankle is broken !  Why in the world didn't
  you come in to see me sooner ?"
    "Well Doctor, every time I say something is wrong with me,
  my wife declares, 'Now you'll HAVE to stop smoking'."
                                - - - - -

*   Believe it or not, there really are strong silent types
  left in the US.  Some of the older farmers in Howard County
  fit that category.  The story around here is that one time
  an older farmer went in for a physical, and his wife would
  answer every question the doctor had.  Finally, the doctor
  asked her to leave the room.
    Shortly later, he called her back in and said, "I'm sorry
  Mrs. Musgrove for not realizing your husband has aphasia
  (loss of speech) and can't speak a word."
    Oddly enuff, neither did she.
                                - - - - -

*   We finally got a local doctor who set-up his practice right
  in his home.  He was awakened one morning about 4:00 A.M. by
  a man who said he brought his wife in.
    Thinking it to be an emergency, the doctor hurried out to
  the truck with the man.  There sat a healthy looking young
  woman whom the doctor had just seen the day before.
    "Good morning Doctor." she smiled. "You told me to come in
  for a blood test this morning before breakfast."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 12:32:42 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Education (Adult)

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the
organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions, expands
to six times its normal size... and... define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think
that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear
of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.  Miss
Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye... in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things
to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a
dirty mind.  And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 07:08:37 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Battle of the Sexes

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.
			*********************
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
			*********************
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
   caring & good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
			*********************
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men
   who play with them the most.
			*********************
The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done? "
Three words women hate to hear when having sex... "Honey, I'm home!"
			*********************
Q:  What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A:  45 lbs.
			*********************
Q:  What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A:  45 minutes
			*********************
Q:  If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A:  The swallow

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 08:17:06 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Spice Girls (Offensive to spice girls and their fans)

Q: Why do the Spice Girls work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.

Q: What do you get when you offer a Spice Girl a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a Spice Girl in a university?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why was Mel B so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle after six
   months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".

Q: What do you do if a Spice Girl throws a grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: Why did the Spice Girl climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard the drinks were on the house.

Q: What does a Spice Girl say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill".

Q: What do you see if you look in a Spice Girl's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

And finally,
A Spice Girl was asked if she would like to be a Jehovah's Witness. "Hey"
she protested, "I didn't even see the accident".

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 11:17:38 -0500
From:    janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: I can't get no satisfaction (sexist)

How to satisfy a woman every time:

 Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
 fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
 bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
 purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,
 anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice
 for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate,
 entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle,
 oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust,
 grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
 aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
 acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept,
 butter-up, hear, dick, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg,
 plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair,
 patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die
 for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist,
 pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle,
 elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve,
 bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a
 crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle,
 hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop,
 fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather,
 mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle,
 slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken,
 undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry,
 knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,
 dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship,
 and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to satisfy a man every time:

 Show up naked.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 18:26:55 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Jerks (ny Patrick Hanifin, clean)

     Now get this.  I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
call I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it.  A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could
I please speak to Robin Carter?"  Suddenly the phone was slammed down on
me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.  I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her.  She had transposed the last two
digits.
     After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
there on my desk.  I decided to call it again.  When the same person once
more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.  Next to his phone
number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer.  Every couple
of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him
up.  He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!"  It would always
cheer me up.  Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.
This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the
jerk.  Then one day I had an idea.  I dialed his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello."  I made up a name.  "Hi.  This is Herman with the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?"  He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.  I quickly called him
back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
     And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it.   Just dial 722-4842.
     Not long thereafter, I was in the parking lot of the local mall.  The
old lady really took her time pulling out of the parking space.  I didn't
think she was ever going to leave.  Finally her car began to move and she
started to very slowly back out of the stall.  I backed up a little more to
give her plenty of room to pull out.  Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
     All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I started honking my horn
and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy.  I was here first!" The guy
climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me.  He walked toward the
mall as if he didn't even hear me.
     I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in
this world.  I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his
car.  I wrote down the number.  Then I hunted for another place to park.
     A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 722-4842 and yelling, "You're a jerk!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial).
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my
desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
     After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."  I
said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"  "Yes it is."  "Can
you tell me where I can see it?"  "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.
It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.  I said, "What's
your name?"  "My name is Don Hansen."  "When's a good time to catch you,
Don?"  "I'm home in the evenings."  "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
 "Yes."  "Don, you're a jerk!"  And I slammed the phone down.  After I hung
up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
     For a while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I had a
problem I had two jerks to call.  Then after several months of calling the
jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an
obligation.  It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
     I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
     First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.  A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."  I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.  The jerk said,
"Are you still there?"  I said, "Yeah.."  He said, "Stop calling me."  I
said, "No."  He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen."
 Where do you live?", he asked.  I answered, "1802 West 34th Street.  It's
a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front."
     "I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your
prayers."
     "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
     Then I called Jerk #2.  He answered, "Hello."  I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."  "You'll what?" I replied. is
studied reply: "I'll kick your butt."
     "Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now Jerk!"  And I
hung up.
     Then I picked up the phone and called the police.  I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street.  After that I climbed
into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.  I
turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a
block from Jerk #2's house.  There were two guys fighting out front.
Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police
wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
     A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked
to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct.  As luck
would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced
the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury
find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 17:28:13 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Three quick jokes <offensive to good comics everywhere and maybe most
         everybody else>

A lady says to her hubby, "Honey, I need breast implants."  The husband
says, "We really can't afford it. Hey, wait a minute, I have an idea."
He's gone for a minute and returns with a wad of toilet paper. He hands
the toilet paper to his wife and tells her, "Rub this wad of toilet
paper between your breasts."  She says, "Will that make them bigger?"
He says, "It should, look what it's done for your butt!!"

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care!

Did you hear about the Polish car pool?
They meet at work!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 13:09:12 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Night Fishing

Off the coast of Newfoundland, a great many fishermen do their fishing
at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more
sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails,
and shipwrecks are the result. The Department of Fisheries was reviewing
statistics one day, and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks
there were during night fishing. When they discovered that the fishermen
were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys
near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To
their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the
shipwrecks had tripled! The buoys were removed, and things returned to
normal. The moral of the story... YOU CAN'T SEND A BUOY TO DO A MOON'S
JOB!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 18 Jan 1998 22:37:34 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 1/19/98 - The Unabomber and the Shrink (fwd)

              The Top 15 Things Overheard Between
              the Unabomber and the Psychiatrist

15> "No, you may not borrow my underwear, Mr. Kaczynski."

14> "In my professional opinion, if I were a 50-year-old virgin,
     I'd go freakin' nuts, too!"

13> "I give up, Ted -- what's black & red and charred all over?"

12> "Boy"  "BOMB!"  "Girl"  "BOMB!"  "Airport"  "BOMB!"
    "Okay, that's enough word association."

11> "Look, Ted -- I'm no lawyer, but I've got doubts about your
     'Prairie Oyster' defense."

10> "That ink blot looks like the oppressive technocratic regime
     attempting to enslave our free minds... or maybe a bunny
     rabbit."

 9> "Would you *please* stop making that ticking noise?!"

 8> "Actually, Ted, I'd prefer you *fax* me your manifesto."

 7> "Why don't you and I run away together?  I know a great little
     unheated cottage in the middle of nowhere!"

 6> "You read the entire manifesto?  Geez, and they think *I'm*
     crazy!"

 5> "Now tell me again, Ted -- which one is Itchy?"

 4> "I *must* be insane -- to sell name-brand VCR's and televisions
     at such low prices!!!  This Friday only, at Krazy Ted's
     Electronics Outlet!!!"

 3> "Man, that OJ is a nut, isn't he?"

 2> "Okay, Marvin Gardens with three houses, that's $875...."

        and the Number 1 Thing Overheard Between
         the Unabomber and the Psychiatrist...

 1> "Violent fantasies?!  Hey, you're the one showing me all
     these inkblot pictures of explosions."


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Jan 1998 09:29:44 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Marriage <clean>

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  Man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

* Men marry because they are tired; women because they are
  curious.  Both are disappointed.

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
  while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to
  marry her;a man, of the woman who didn't.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman
  - before marriage and after marriage.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Jan 1998 to 19 Jan 1998
************************************************

