HUMOR Digest - 17 Jan 1998 to 18 Jan 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 291 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Limericks <some adult humor>
  2. misc quips
  3. Humor - Toilet Seat Complaint
  4. Things you never want to hear during surgery <offensive to the AMA>
  5. Cameron Column (clean)
  6. Totally NEW!!! Bumper Stickers
  7. Mistaken Identity

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Date:    Sat, 17 Jan 1998 04:49:49 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Limericks <some adult humor>

* There once was a lady named Jude
  Who was such an implacable prude
  That she pulled down the blind
  When changing her mind
  Lest a curious eye should intrude
                - - - - -

* A serious thought for today,
  Is one that may cause you dismay
  Just what are the forces
  That being little horses
  If all of the mares say "Nay !"
                - - - - -

* There was a young girl from Norway
  Who hung by her heels from the doorway
  She said to her young man
  "Get off the divan --
  I think I've found still one more way."
                - - - - -

* There was a young maid from Madras
  Who had a magnificent ass:
  Not pretty and pink --
  As you'd probably think --
  T'was gray with long ears, and ate grass.
                - - - - -

* There once was a maiden from Dallas
  Whom all of the men found quite callous
  Their problem you see
  Was they don't know her like me
  She's a wonder, but not named Alice.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 17 Jan 1998 06:34:53 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: misc quips

These were sent me EMail as-is so I don't know the original source to
acknowledge:

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I once tried to microwave instant coffee and went back in time.

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Date:    Sat, 17 Jan 1998 08:50:01 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Toilet Seat Complaint

Copied from Ann Landers' Column:

Dear Ann Landers: My next-door neighbor is my dearest friend. Yesterday,
over coffee at my kitchen table, she seemed quite upset with her husband,
"Jerry." It is a well-known fact that he has been running around on her for
years, so I asked her if she had ever considered a divorce. She said,
"Divorce -- never. But murder? Yes."

 She continued, "Last night, I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the
night -- a common occurrence. I didn't want to turn on the light for fear
of waking Jerry, so I groped my way, as I have done many times before. When
I reached my destination, I poised myself to be seated and fell right into
the bowl. It seems my darling husband, for the millionth time, had left the
seat up."

 I listened patiently, trying my darnedest not to laugh. I could tell she
didn't see anything funny about it. Finally, she said, "I wonder what Ann
Landers would say." I told her I would write and ask. So, dear Ann, how
about it? -- Louisville, Ky.

 Dear Louisville: Please make sure your neighbor sees this column. I just
read about a contraption equipped with "intelligent sensors" that can tell
if the seat is up or down. It sells at hardware stores for $29.99. It is
actually a night light that attaches to the bowl and glows red if the seat
is up and green if the seat is down.

 The people who are marketing this unique item say it is very popular. I
have not seen one, but for some married couples, it might be worth the
investment.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advise columnist.

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Date:    Sat, 17 Jan 1998 10:08:53 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Things you never want to hear during surgery <offensive to the AMA>

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call maintenance - we're going to need a mop and bucket.
Come back with that right now! Bad dog, bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that, uh.........thingie.
Where's my Rolex?
OOPS! Say, has anyone ever survived 500 ML of that stuff before?
Darn, there goes the power again.
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, this guy's got two ya know!
Nobody move - I just lost one of my contacts.
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's distracting me, big time.
What's THIS doing here?
I hate it when I can't find what I'm looking for!
That's so cool!  Now, can you make his leg twitch?
Well folks, there's always a first time for everything!
Sterile, schmerile, the floor is pretty clean, right?
This patient already has some kids, right?
Not to worry, I know it's sharp enough.
Nurse, this patient did sign an organ donor card, right?
Crap! Page 47 of this procedure seems to be missing!

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Date:    Sat, 17 Jan 1998 19:04:43 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Cameron Column (clean)

     Not too long ago I was summoned by a potential client to visit him in
his city so he could tell me face to face why I am exactly the wrong person
to write anything for him and that if I cared about the human race I would
take effective steps to remove myself from the gene pool.  The
client-not-to-be put me up in a hotel near his office, the "Chateau
De Snob," I think it was called.
     I look for two things in overnight lodging:  "Bargain" and "Rates."  I
used to stay at Motel 6 when it was only Motel 3 And a Half, and I am
accustomed to having to ring a buzzer for at least a minute before Norman
Bates comes out of a back room to rent me a bed for the night. It was
therefore with a bit of trepidation that I pulled my rental car
in front of the Chateau De Snob's lobby and watched as an army of men
dressed like the guards of Munchkin Land stormed out and opened my door.
One of them roared off in my vehicle, and I was handed a plastic chip in
payment.  "Well, thanks for the UFO money," I told the senior ranking
officer, "but the car is not mine to sell."
     Up in my room the Munchkin soldier carrying my bag made a great show
of opening the curtains.  He pointed out the phone, the bathroom, and the
television--apparently he felt I would otherwise be unable to identify
these things.  Then he approached me and held out his hand, so I shook it
vigorously.  Frowning, he hung up my bag, demonstrated how to work the TV
remote, and came back for another handshake.  He looked even more
irritated, though I was doing my best to be nice.  He fussed with the
thermostat and made sure there were no monsters in the closet.  This time
as he returned, his palm held upward, I realized he wanted more than just
friendship.  I dug in my pocket and his expression brightened, but his face
fell when I gave him the white plastic chip.  He pitched it on the bed and
left in disgust.
     At dinner with my client I did my best to select from a menu printed
in French, though what I ordered apparently translated to "Small Bits of
Tasteless Stuff on a Plate of Grass, Covered in Watery Mayonnaise."  The
waiter ignored my desperate attempt to obtain a "la burger o'cheese with
fries o'francais," despite the fact that I held my nose so it would sound
like I was speaking French.  My client talked on his cell phone the whole
time, breaking away from his conversation occasionally in order to advise
me that I was "essentially worthless"  to his company.
     When I got back to my room, I was horrified to discover that someone
had broken in!  However, I apparently must have scared them off before they
could take anything--indeed, the only sign of disturbance was that they had
thrown back the covers on the bed to take a nap.  My fumbling with the
plastic card the hotel called a "key" must have given them time to escape
out the window.  In their haste, they left a small piece of chocolate,
which probably dropped out of a  pocket.  I ate it in good humor,
appreciating the irony.
     Best part of the trip:  the hotel was kind enough to place a well
stocked refrigerator in the room, which I made use of not only for liquid
refreshment but for the peanuts and canned oysters.  Every time I pulled
out another can of beer a digital readout ticked upward another 500 points,
which I figured was a meter on the number of calories I was consuming.
What the heck, it made up for dinner, in my opinion.
     Worst part of the trip:  my not-a-client has been leaving messages for
me since I got back, telling me he won't pay for the "outrageous bar bill"
I charged to the room.  I ask you, why would I go to the bar when I had a
refrigerator full of free goodies in my room?
     Sometimes people are so out of touch it scares me.


--------------------
The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998 

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Date:    Sat, 17 Jan 1998 18:19:57 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Totally NEW!!! Bumper Stickers

I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.

If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.

Lobotomies for Democrats:  It's the law.

Bad Cop!  No donut!

Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Back Up My Hard Drive?  How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late.  Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

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Date:    Sat, 17 Jan 1998 21:47:53 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Mistaken Identity

A young international student working in my office told us last week that
her brother had just arrived in the United States and was living and working
in Indiana Police. Upon questioning, we learned that her brother is in
Indianapolis, Indiana.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Jan 1998 to 18 Jan 1998
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