HUMOR Digest - 16 Jan 1998 to 17 Jan 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 385 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. How Men Think <some adult humor>
  2. Three clean quickies
  3. Bears' divorce <inoff>
  4. =?ISO-8859-1?Q?Two_quick_lesbian_jokes_=3Crisqu=E9=3E?=
  5. Musings...
  6. Snow White Remake <innuendo, offensive to the chronically PC>
  7. Witty little remarks
  8. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story
  9. Weird American Sex Laws (Part 2 of 2)
 10. Humor: Country Wisdom
 11. Joke Clean:Big Cats
 12. A Dog that's NOT a Dog

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Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 03:08:14 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: How Men Think <some adult humor>

*   After gunning his Beamer the wrong way down a Columbia
  Maryland one-way street the inebriated Yuppie was asked where
  he thought he was going by one of those ever inquisitive Howard
  County Policemen.
    "I'm not really sure Officer." replied the drunk.  "But it
  does seem I'm rather tardy, as everyone appears to be returning."
                                - - - - -

* A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty and the sheer
  happiness of pursuit.
                                - - - - -

*   "I'm sorry Arlene, but this relationship just doesn't seem to
  be going anywhere." said the young man.
    "Awww Gee !" replied the girl. "And just after I won all those
  millions in the Lotto too."
    "Well..." stammered the man. "Perhaps we should give it a while
  longer yet."
                                - - - - -

* Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.  So
  many young men still go out on Friday and Saturday nights and sow
  their wild oats, then go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop
  failure.
                                - - - - -

*   The couple stepped up to the desk clerk at one of Columbia's finer
  hotels.  "I'd like a room for my wife and myself." said the man.
    "I'm terribly sorry sir," replied the clerk, "but the only room
  available is adjacent to the elevators across from the lounge area."
    "Will that be all right with you dear ?" the well dressed gentleman
  asked the young lady at his side.
    "Sure mister." she said.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 11:11:21 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Three clean quickies

A police officer stops a man driving in the opposite direction in a
one way street.
"Didn't you see the arrow ?"
"Arrow ?" the driver, obviously all sauced, replies,"I didn't even
see the Indians."
			*****************
This guy in a car is pulled over by a cop for driving through a
stop sign. The cop asks the man why he didn't stop, and the man
responded "I slowed down; slowing down and stopping are just about
the same thing, aren't they?"

The officer proceeds to pick up the man by the collar and beat the
man in the face mercilessly with his night stick. While he is doing
this, the officer says "Now, do you want me to SLOW DOWN, or do you
want me to STOP?
			*****************

Corporate Physical Fitness Program
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs.
Everyone gets enough exercise:
.jumping to conclusions, .flying off the handle, .beating around
the bush, .running down the boss, .going around in circles,
.dragging their feet, .dodging responsibility, .passing the buck,
.climbing the ladder, .wading through paperwork, .pulling strings,
.throwing their weight around, .stretching the truth, .bending the
rules, .and pushing their luck!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 06:42:47 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bears' divorce <inoff>

Mama Bear and Papa Bear were in court getting a divorce and the judge offered
Baby Bear a choice of which parent to live with.

JUDGE: "Do you want to live with your mother?"

BABY BEAR: "No!  She beats me."

JUDGE:  "OK, then you can live with your father."

BABY BEAR: "No!  He beats me too!"

JUDGE: "Well you have to live with someone.  Who do you want to live with?"

BABY BEAR: "I want to live with my Aunt Bertha in Chicago."

JUDGE: "Is there any chance she'll beat you also?"

BABY BEAR: "No sir.  The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 07:27:05 -0600
From:    "Gregory R. Maes" <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: =?ISO-8859-1?Q?Two_quick_lesbian_jokes_=3Crisqu=E9=3E?=

Do you know how you know you are in a real lesbian bar?
Not even the pool table has balls.

Did you hear about the all lesbian carpenters union?
Nothing gets nailed, everything is tongue and groove.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 10:15:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Musings...

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have
something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

A ladyfriend of mine told me that at our age she has found that going
bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older.  Then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their
finals.

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?"  Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.  Perhaps toothpicks?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case
of an emergency. I think you should write... A Good Doctor!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are
we supposed to do... write to these men?  Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they delivered the mail?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 09:58:01 -0600
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: Snow White Remake <innuendo, offensive to the chronically PC>

(Los Angeles) Today, Disney executives announced plans to remake the
classic animated film "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" with a more
modern theme. According to a spokesperson for Disney, "'Snow White' is
beginning to show her age. We want to make a picture that speaks to
today's audience. And what's with that voice, anyway?"

As the studio gears up for the intensive task of producing a full-length
animated feature, several treatments of the old fairy tale are being
considered:

"Snow White and the Seven Persyns of Alternate Stature."  An
open-minded persyn, who, despite hir name, is racially neutral, sets
forth on an adventure in a federally protected forest where sie
encounters Gay, Mentally Challenged, Differently Wakeful, Nasally
Sensitive, Testosterone Poisoned, Introverted, and Health Care
Professional.

"Prince White and the Seven Dwarfettes." A young and handsome prince
flees his evil stepmother, taking refuge in a small cottage in the
woods inhabited by Crampy, Trampy, Dizzy, Dingy, Bitchy, Frigid, and
Dyke.

"Snow White and the Seven Porno Vixens."  A XXX feature in which a
young, inexperienced princess is introduced to the ways of carnal
pleasure by Candi, Randi, Bambi, Bunni, Laci, Misti, and Dominique.

"We're not sure, yet, which avenue we want to pursue," another Disney
spokesperson told reporters at a press conference early Friday. "We'd
like to get as much mileage out of the Southern Baptist Convention as we
possibly can." It was then revealed that Ellen DeGeneres was being
considered to provide the voice for beleaguered princess.

When asked to comment, a spokesman for the Southern Baptist Convention
made strangling noises, while veins stood out on his neck.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 11:12:31 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Witty little remarks

The best part of waking up in going back to sleep.

I can't believe that dumb cop gave me a ticket for an open container.
He couldn't even find it till I showed it to him.

Did "George of the Jungle" not teach us anything?--"Watch out for
that tree!"

At my office we are taking up a collection for send Newt Gingrich on
a skiing trip.

If she was going to marry a football player, I wish Kathie Lee would
have chosen O.J. instead of Frank.

Feel secure all night, sleep with a cop.

I remember the first time I had sex, because I saved the receipt.

So many stupid people, so few comets.

When we are getting read to go somewhere, my wife takes forever and a
day, then when we go, she drives like there is no tomorrow.

Selling tickets to visit a grave? And the Brits think Americans are
shallow and gross.

Selected (sometimes adapted) from past issues the Altanta
Journal/Constitution's The Vent
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 12:51:44 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story

By RICHARD PYLE
Associated Press

NEW YORK -- They were clever enough to penetrate the World Trade Center's
tight security, clever enough to grab a $1 million Brink's shipment. But
then, police say, the three alleged bandits turned out to be dumb, dumber
and dumbest.

They pulled off their ski masks before walking past hidden security
cameras, and within hours their faces were all over TV and the newspapers.
Then they went home to their close-knit Brooklyn neighborhood, where dozens
of people called the police.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 18:50:03 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Weird American Sex Laws (Part 2 of 2)

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex
while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There
was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while
standing in front of a man's picture.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin
beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple
rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor
between the beds!

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man
while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's
 name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any
 punishment.

Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to
that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can
lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit -
however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary
position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
 without a permit.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the
missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin
 under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 17:38:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Country Wisdom

>Sent From: Judy Lococo

Country Wisdom

On a hot summer's day a country boy is pulling a wagon load of manure
down a country two lane road in rural Alabama.  The local sheriff
(Bubba) pulls him over and starts to write him a citation.  As the
sheriff is standing next to the old boy's pickup some of the flies
accompanying the manure wagon start to buzz him.  He swats at the flies
and cusses them "damn flies."  The country boy speaks up and says
"Them's circle flies...we calls 'em that cause back home on the farm
they's always circling the horses ass."

"Boy, are you calling me a horse's ass?" says the angered Bubba.

The country boy replied "No sir, but you can't fool them flies."


---
I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails. .

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 18:28:24 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean:Big Cats

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had
told their two children not to wander away. However, a
couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions
could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting
skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them,
and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were
reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the
distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said:
"THAT IS THE END OF THE GNUS. HERE AGAIN ARE THE HEAD  LIONS."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 23:12:16 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: A Dog that's NOT a Dog

Kiev, Ukraine -- Kiev's All-Ukraine Gazette reported a tale of mistaken
identity that endangered a child and left its parents "thunderstruck."

A businessman returned from an unnamed foreign destination with what he
thought was a bull-terrier puppy for his wife and son as a gift.

At first, the animal ate normally and did not demand much attention.
But on the sixth day the parents were awakened by the screams of their
3-year-old whose ear was being chewed off by the animal.  The child was
treated for minor wounds, and a veterinarian informed the parents that
their pet was actually a rare species of Pakistani rat, which in its
early stage of development resembles a bull-terrier puppy.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Jan 1998 to 17 Jan 1998
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