HUMOR Digest - 15 Jan 1998 to 16 Jan 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 522 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Male Wit <adult humor>
  2. Bad Prose 3 of 3  <clean>
  3. Why Engineers do not cook...<off. to Engineers>
  4. The Interview <inoff>
  5. Humor: Offensive to women, 1 of 2
  6. Weird American Sex Laws (1 of 2)
  7. More scary than humorous
  8. Half-clever observations and questions
  9. We're Trying to get them to Put $100,000 for a Degree, and now THIS!
 10. Happy Butt
 11. On Love <clean>

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Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 03:30:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Male Wit <adult humor>

*   Three "Top Gun" type pilots -- English, Arabian and US Navy
  were standing on a street corner in Kuwait when a really
  spectacular beauty walked haughtily by them.
    "By Jove !" exclaimed the Englishman.
    "By Allah !" sighed the Arabian.
    "By tomorrow nite !" said the Naval Aviator.
                                - - - - -

*   A man and his wife were celebrating their 25th wedding
  anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.
  The man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the
  three had even bothered to bring a gift.  After the meal, for
  which he had been given the check, he took them aside.
    "You're all grown men," he began, "and old enuff to hear this.
  Your Mother and I have never been legally married."
    "What ???" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say that
  we're all bastards ?"
    "As a matter of fact, yes." snapped the Father. "And cheap
  ones at that !"
                                - - - - -

* Maybe y'all heard about the drunk staggering through the park and
  saw a young jogger doing push-ups as part of his warm-ups.  The
  drunk stood there a moment then said, "Washmadder pal ?  Lose
  your girl ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A Yuppie member of the Columbia Country Club asked the lifeguard
  how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.
    "It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard.
  "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about
  her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it
  very slowly..."
    "This is certainly most helpful." said the Yuppie. "I know that
  my sister will appreciate it."
    "Your sister ?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her
  into the deep end of the pool.  She'll learn in a hurry."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 12:10:35 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bad Prose 3 of 3  <clean>

Last posting from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 1997

            Detective
With the last rays of sunshine silhouetting her slim form, and the
still-smoking pistol clutched in her trembling right hand, Cora knelt
beside the body at her feet, only to be brought up short by the sudden
awareness of that unmistakable creeping-insect-like feeling of a run
ripping up the back of her left stocking.
        --Marcia E. Brown, Austin, TX

           Science Fiction
Captain Richard Probe stood toe-to-claw with the female alien on
the bridge of his star ship as she aimed her laser gun at his navel,
knowing full well as his eye-level gaze surveyed her three breasts,
that in order to save his crew he needed to overcome the stirrings
of his manhood, which was soon made easier by the realization that
indeed his pants were only getting tighter because her laser was
shrink-wrapping his uniform.
        --Maggie Moris, Woodbury, MN

            Romance
Veronica had had little experience of treachery when she first arrived
in Paris, so when Jean-Luc left her in the Rive Gauche with only a Bic
and a bock and a broken clock she was somewhat surprised.
      --Juliette Hughes, Northcote, Victoria, Australia

And finally, Winner: Best response to Bad Prose from HUMOR readers

I think they're delightful, unlike the run-of-the-mill offerings of
HUMOR  which tend to be somewhat, shall we say, bland and, at times,
insipid, although from time to time one may discern glimmerings of the
slightest degree of, dare we say, genius in the offerings which leads
me to believe that there may sometimes be hope for the genre after
all.                     Owen

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 12:30:24 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Why Engineers do not cook...<off. to Engineers>

  Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe:

  Ingredients:

   1.)   532.35 cm3 gluten
   2.)   4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
   3.)   4.9 cm3 refined halite
   4.)   236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
   5.)   177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
   6.)   177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
   7.)   4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
   8.)   Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
   9.)   473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  10.)   236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

  Directions:

  To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
  heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients
  one, two and three with constant agitation.  In a second 2-L reactor
  vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add
  ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is
  homogenous.  To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three
  equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally,
  add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care
  must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
  rise that may be the result of an  exothermic reaction.

  Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
  piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).  Heat in a 460K oven for
  a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first
  order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
  Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer
  table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 07:18:41 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Interview <inoff>

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the
young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate responded, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on
the benefits package."

The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% salary, and a company car leased every two years - say
a red Corvette?"

The graduate sat up mouth agape and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the HR person responded, "Certainly...but you started it!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 08:03:13 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Offensive to women, 1 of 2

100 Reasons why it's great to be a guy  (1 of 2)

 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
 3. You know stuff about tanks.
 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
 5. Monday Night Football.
 6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
 8. You can open all your own jars.
 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and hair cutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every
    shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
    secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
    be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheer Leading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 08:32:49 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Weird American Sex Laws (1 of 2)

Weird Local USA Sex Laws

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions,
or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests,
law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take
more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in
his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of
the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude.
 (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a
sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people
having sex in a car.

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.  Police officers
aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window.  Any suspicious officer
who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn
three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out  of his car
to investigate.  [Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes
sense...]

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female
partner is having a sexual orgasm.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the
act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute
on Sunday afternoons.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver
inside a toll booth.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each
guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they
are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table
in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of
clothing.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master,
not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear
in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by
at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club".

The following important ammendment however is to be considered here:
"The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less
than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses."

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's
airport property.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn
during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner,
New Jersey law.

In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a
leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he
has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.  Consent should be
given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. (I'm surprised OJ didn't
try to use this in his defense.)

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because
"The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young
 woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's
 permission.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 09:16:01 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More scary than humorous

 300 physicians, all board certified in internal medicine, volunteered to
 take the certification examination again. 34% of those who had been certified
 5 to 6 years earlier failed the exam, and 68% of those who had been certified
 14 to 15 years earlier failed.

 (From a 1991 study reported in _Directions_)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 13:20:57 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Half-clever observations and questions

A watched microwave never dings.

Just think, Woody Allen ex-wife is now his mother-in-law.

I heard an American football announcer say, "He's leaving the field,
holding what looks to be a left leg."

Buy two for the price of one and get the second one free!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The stock market is near its all-time high. Unemployment is down.
Crime is down. Inflation is very low. We're at peace. But don't blame
me, I voted for George Bush and Dan Quayle!

Most of us can forgive and forget, but we don't want the other person
to forget that we forgave.

Selected from past issues the Altanta Journal/Constitution's The Vent
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 15:21:06 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: We're Trying to get them to Put $100,000 for a Degree, and now THIS!

If you throw in the their bar tabs with tuition, room & board and books, it comes out to about $100,000 for a college degree at a private school.
It's pretty hard to sell that kind of product if you can't show the prospective
buyer that there's a lot of benefit in it.  We do it by pointing out how their
lifetime earnings will improve with a degree and how, even if they're just
pushing fries at Micky D's, they'll at least know that Shakespeare might have
been a homosexual named Bacon; once they've put their four years in.

Now some clowns at American Demographics (SEE http://www.demographics.com )
have gone and pitched a spanner into the works!  The article is called "No Sex,
Please ... We're College Graduates" (by "Professor John Student").  The title
is an exaggeration, but their hard cold data is that high school graduates have
sex 58 times a year, college grads have it 56 times a year and those who have
gone on to graduate school have it only 50 times a year (self-abuse excluded).

What a downer, man!  I mean, our college grads may enjoy their income
differential, but they'll be looking at a 2-times-per-year deficit in HA-HAs
compared to high school graduates.  No wonder there's so much drinking on
today's campuses.

The study also gives us an answer to one on the other great questions in higher
ed these days:  where have all the males gone?  Females are more apt to go on
to college than males are and college campuses are becoming more and more
female over time.  Professor John Student has the answer:

                              Annual Sex Activity

                               MALE        FEMALE

      high school grads          65           54
      college grads              61           61
      grad school                56           49


A male college grad loses 4 HA-HAs a year over high school grads, but a female
college grad picks up 7 HA-HAs a year.  By the way, notice the impact of
graduate school here.  It sure explains why we all remember those profs we had
in school as a bunch of crochity old pedants. I think these data will help us
to decrease the glut of PhDs on the market.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 20:14:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Happy Butt

>Sent From: Janine A Lovekamp

This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time. A
friendly little boy said his name was "David, what is yours?"

"Happy Butt" she says.

"Don't lie to me, that isn't your name! What is your name?"

"Happy Butt" she says again.

"I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" he shouts. He gets the
teacher and says she is lying to him about her name.

"What is your name?" asks the teacher.

"Happy Butt" says the little girl.

"No, no," says the teacher. "What is your real name?"

"Happy Butt" replies the little girl.

"Shame on you for lying." says the teacher. "You go straight to the
principal's office right this minute!"

"Why are you here?" asks the principal of the little girl.

"They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt." said the
little girl.

"Your name can't be Happy Butt" says the principal. "I'm going to call
your mother right this minute and straighten this out. You mustn't lie
to us about your name." The principal calls the mother and says, "We
have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy
Butt.'"

"Oh, that must be Gladys," says the mother.

"Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys," says the
principal.

The little girl replies, "Happy Butt, Glad ass, what's the difference?"


---
Like a crow, we never complain without caws... .

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Jan 1998 09:45:55 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Love <clean>

* Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more
  subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.

* The only way to understand a woman is to love her -
  and then it isn't necessary to understand her.

* To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation.

* To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love
  him a little.

* To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to
  understand her at all.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jan 1998 to 16 Jan 1998
************************************************
