HUMOR Digest - 14 Jan 1998 to 15 Jan 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 676 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. These Days <some adult humor>
  2. Joke Clean: The Marine Base
  3. TimeTraveller v1.2 Press release (off. to nobody important, only Microsoft
     fans)
  4. Bad Prose, part 2 <clean>
  5. Riddle
  6. Stranded <inoff>
  7. If Women Ruled the World <sorry, guys, some male-bashing>
  8. Semi-glossy observations
  9. Kids Saying the Darnedest Things
 10. Humor - Newspaper Bloopers (4th of 4)
 11. Modern Technology <adult>
 12. Humor Clean: Fetal Movements (True)
 13. Helpful Life Hints
 14. Research <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 03:00:14 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: These Days <some adult humor>

* I can remember when a protein was a complex organic compound.
  These days, it's a call girl too young to vote or drink.
                                - - - - -

*   A profound philosophy of this "New Age" was reflected in the
  last will and testament of a once rather wealthy man.
    It read: "Being of sound mind, I spent most of my money on
  cars, boats, fine food and good whiskey.  I also spent a good
  bit of it on women.  What was left, I spent foolishly."
                                - - - - -

* And easy credit has ruined so many people in the US.  I know a
  Yuppie in Columbia Maryland whose credit standing is soooo bad,
  his money isn't even accepted anywhere.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of Columbia, lil' Johnny was so proud because he had
  the most parents at a recent school PTA meeting.
                                - - - - -

*   The student was called into the high school counselor because
  all he was interested in was computers.  "I even dream about
  computers." he told the man.
    "Don't you ever dream about girls ?" the student was asked.
  "Or cars ?  Or sports ?"
    "I don't dare." replied the boy.  "I might lose my turn at the
  terminal in the computer lab."
                                - - - - -

* And the weekend parties on this new era are something else. They
  start on Friday evening, and keep going until everyone gives in,
  gives up or gives out.
                                - - - - -

* And now that furs are back in vogue, Winter again becomes the
  season when gentleman befur blondes.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 00:28:29 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: The Marine Base

This is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget
constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe. It was so
terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large
kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the
drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?
"WE ALL LIVE IN A JELLO-TUB, MARINE."

The base was quite far from "civilization" with the obvious result that
the troops were forced to entertain themselves. One of the more popular
pastimes was cardplaying. A large number of groups met regularly to indulge
themselves. Bridge, poker, and gin rummy were played, but the most popular
game by far was hearts. It happened that a few of the NCOs were not well
liked by the troops. One in particular was unanomously hated. As a result,
he was never invited to any of the card sessions. When he complained to
the CO, it was decided to put a stop to the whole business with the
following command: SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY. HEARTS CLUB BANNED.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 18:17:59 +0900
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: TimeTraveller v1.2 Press release (off. to nobody important,
         only Microsoft fans)

TIMETRAVELLER 1.02 JUST RELEASED!

Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1.0, the
popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time
machines.

The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsoft now concedes, was not
without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the
support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier
to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from
Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the
middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back?" A caller
from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the
past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled,
"an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. "

TimeTraveller 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release.
The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have
been promised complementary copies of Widows '95.

But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received criticism
from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveller on history
books. At Senate hearings on Microsoft's domination of the timetravel
market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s
Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of
Hitler. A Microsoft representative countered that employees & executives
of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with
the software. "To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling 
thing on Bill's part is crazy," the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides,
he couldn't work with Goebbels."

In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with TimeTraveller
1.02. Here they are, from the release notes:

*  CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your
   computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result
   in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past
   or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi.

*  WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses Billzebub=AE, an occult
   algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not
   grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities
   when installing Timetravleler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a
   bugzapper if you do.

*  MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of time,
   remember that there may not be much of an information age at your
   destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your
   registered incantation that will speed you back to the present.
   You don't want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly
   yelling your mother's maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit.

*  DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many time
   travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene
   around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman
   currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some
   alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange
   visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and
   possessed of much loudness and stretchpants".

*  BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices may
   look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to
   'say cheese' may result in a broadsword to the head.

*  CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up the
   can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can
   became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.

*  DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if it's just to
   travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a
   few days before. Do not use TimeTraveller to cheat death, taxes,
   or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above  will result in the
   termination of the TimeTraveller licence agreement. And Microsoft
   will tell Satan to give you a hotffoot. So there.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 11:49:15 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bad Prose, part 2 <clean>

Here are some more winners from the 1997 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

     Western
No one in Cisco City dared to question Jake Lattimer about the
disappearance of neighbor Jones's hogs, not only because Jake
was the best sheriff the town had ever seen, but also because his
was the only dental parlor in the territory where a man could buy
himself a decent set of slightly-used false teeth.
            - Mary Clare, Austin, TX

       Adventure
It was, presumably, Dr. Livingstone who emerged into the clearing
from the dense rain forest beyond, although it was difficult to tell for
certain just WHO it was beneath the layers of leeches clinging to
his limbs, the spiders covering the surface of his sun helmet, the
bounty of bugs on his body, and the multitude of mites crawling on
everything from his Mont Blanc pen to his machete though, as he had
recently employed the latter in hacking his way through the jungle
while he had long abandoned his diary, the pen was somewhat
mitier than the sword.
        --Jan Wolitzky, Madison, NJ

               Purple Prose
"This is the end," Alfalfa sobbed, clutching at her heaving bosom
and pausing only occasionally to scratch her itching left armpit while
her sapphire eyes, brimming with salty tears, turned helplessly
towards the gibbous moon that hung in the brooding
sky like a tobacco-stained nail paring.
         --Niki Wessels, Centurion, South Africa

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 10:21:49 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Riddle

Q: What has got 20 legs and an IQ of 80?

A: The 10 guys that keep reposting that stupid Kennedy/Sonny Bono
   song......:)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 07:35:01 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stranded <inoff>

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. he booked himself on a
Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...at least till a
hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.  Used to 4-star
hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. But for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on
the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he saw a rowboat, and in it was the
most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.  In disbelief, he
asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island, "she said, "I landed here when my
cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you
are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus
tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"  "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman,
"on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial
rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the
tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed
that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said.  After a few minutes of
rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he
nearly fell out of the boat.

Before he was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
and white.  While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed. "I can't take anymore coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina
Colada?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on
her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman
announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like
to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went in to the bathroom. There, in the
cabinet, was a razor make from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This
woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -- strategically
positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit
down next to her.  "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "we've
been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for
all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean," he replied, "I can check
my e-mail from here too?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 09:50:45 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: If Women Ruled the World <sorry, guys, some male-bashing>

IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD...

 A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is
 breathing.

 Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control
 methods for men.

 Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

 Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".

 Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would
 increase  by 40 pounds.

 PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

 Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

 Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

 "Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad
 male models.

 Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.

 Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of
 bedtime.

 Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for
 none of  the credit.

 Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".

 Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

 Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

 Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be
 no pictures.

 Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful,"
 "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit," "Go to sleep-I'll take care
 of the baby," etc.

 Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
 accomplishments.

 Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

 Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

 All toilet seats would be nailed down.

 Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

 TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.

 All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

 During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date
 19  year old boys.

 Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention
 constantly.

 After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait
 on their wives hand and foot.

 For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old
 for six weeks.

 Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding
 rings in their pockets.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 15:00:44 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Semi-glossy observations

The solution to our traffic problem is simple: Take all the unpaid
for cars off the roads.

My family is a riot. In fact, they put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

People used to ask my mother-in-law how old she was. She would say,
"Can you keep a secret?" and they'd say, "Oh, yes!" She replied, "I
can, too."

My ex-husband and I met in chemistry class, and now it's history.

When it's dry it burns, when it's wet is slides and other times it
shakes. California is not a good place to live.

If someone is ruthless, can it be said that they lack ruth?

There should be a better way to make a living than by working.

Every time I think I can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends, and
it's usually the IRS!

My life is like a Home Depot Store (a chain of super-large hardward
store). I have everything, I just can't find it.

Do these people who spend all day in a "chat room" not have jobs?!

You might be a redneck if the diploma on your wall is from D.U.I
school.

My father used to say to me as a child, "As you grow older, you'll
find more mature ways of being immature."

There's a hell of a lot of things they didn't tell me when I hired on
with this outfit.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 16:49:27 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Kids Saying the Darnedest Things

This mornings story about the fellow who's 70-something mother wanted a tatoo
reminded me of another family dialogue.

In this family there are middle-aged parents and two daughters, a college
Sophomore and an 8th grader.  The parents are delighted that the 8th grader
 _lets_ them come to her volleyball games because her older sister never
wanted them there.  The older sister said that her folks being there made
her too nervous.

Well, the mom in the family is getting into the "volleyball-Mom" mode and
just loves rooting for the daughter's team.  Several other of the team's
moms sport large booster buttons which feature the team's name and their own
kid's picture.  This mom would like such a button too!

Mom:  But, why can't I get a big button, dear?  My friend Jane has a big button
she wears to all the games with HER daughter's picture on it!

DAUGHTER:  Mother, (pregnant pause here) if Jane Jumped Off A Bridge Would
YOU have to JUMP TOO?

Ya just gotta wonder where the kids pick up stuff like that!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 16:57:49 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Newspaper Bloopers (4th of 4)

These are misprints or poorly worded phrases that have been printed in actual
news papers:
* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one.
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing.
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
* House passes gas tax ontosenate.
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.
* William Kelly was fed secretary.
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder.
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water.
* Farmer bill dies in house.
* Iraqi head seeks arms.
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped.
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over.
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach.
* Child's stool great for use in garden.
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors.
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again.
* Eye drops off shelf.
* Squad helps dog bite victim.
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon.
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax.
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests.
* Miners refuse to work after death.
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies.
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter.
* Never withhold herpes from loved one.
* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while.
* War dims hope for peace.
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency.
* Cold wave linked to temperatures.
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday.
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years.
* Man is fatally slain.
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 17:47:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Modern Technology <adult>

From: tToNYy

Isn't modern technology great?

The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of friends.  One of
the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one of the
dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and  stuck
it  on her ass.

The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be out done so he  took
a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt  cheek.

Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I
reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.

Not to  be  outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it  down her
crack, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!


---
I was on a roll, until I slipped on the butter.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 20:00:19 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Humor Clean: Fetal Movements (True)

Perinatologists at the University of Belfast (U.K.) recently reported
studying the movements of 39 fetuses by ultrasound during the 4th month
of gestation (l6th to 20th weeks) spending 3 hours watching each infant.

Their major finding: Female fetuses open and close their mouths much more
frequently than male fetuses.

Hepper, P.G., et. al. LANCET 150:1820 Dec. 20/27, 1997

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 20:56:04 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Helpful Life Hints

HELPFUL LIFE HINTS

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be
   resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook
   it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed
   with water.

4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
   heavier.

5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
   underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
   Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both
   fit in there.

8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room
   and look for a package.

9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English
   language web pages into French.

10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
    e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to
    specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

Nev Dull

--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Jan 1998 10:14:55 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Research <adult>

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why
the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two
years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that
the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to
provide the man with more pleasure during sex

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own
study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the
U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in
excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is
larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during
sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to
conduct their own study. The Poles didn't really trust the U.S. or
German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and
a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete. The Polish
study came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis
is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and
hitting you in the forehead.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Jan 1998 to 15 Jan 1998
************************************************
