HUMOR Digest - 13 Jan 1998 to 14 Jan 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 572 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. One-liner (poor taste)
  2. Humor Clean:  The Keyboard Restaurant Menu
  3. Sense and NonSense <adult humor>
  4. Bad Prose  <clean>
  5. Humor - Newspaper Bloopers (3rd of 4)
  6. "I hit you, Tree" <offensive & a bit tasteless>
  7. paternity <inoff>
  8. HUMOR: bumpersticker <crude>
  9. Another roads of Zambia joke
 10. Humor:offensive to Cowboy fans...
 11. "I Hit You, Tree"  <Kennedy, Bono death related, bad taste>
 12. Top 15 rejected new slogans for NIKE
 13. Body Adornment....
 14. Crowd Control

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 16:14:51 +0900
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: One-liner (poor taste)

 What cost $3000 and weren't played with at Christmas? -

 - Paula Yates' tits

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 00:31:04 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Humor Clean:  The Keyboard Restaurant Menu

 THE KEYBOARD RESTAURANT MENU

 \&&&&&&&/   Pretzels!

 \66666666/   Shrimp!

 \********/   Popcorn!

 ^<**>^  ^<**>^  Hot steamed Maryland blue crabs : )

 \_><{{{{">_/   Whole Fish Soup!!
                 [Notice how the eyes follow you around the room!]

 [::] [::] [::] [::]   Fig Newtons

 (#) (#) (#)   Warm Peanut butter cookies

 \--------/    Chicken soup for all your sick friends

 (@)  (@)  (@)  Fresh Cinnamon Rolls!

 OooOOoOooO   Onion  rings

 [:::] [:::] [:::]     French toast sticks with powdered sugar

 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D#   Celery

 \__/   \__/   Chinese Take Out

 \ ) ) ) ) ) /    (~~~~~)  Chips and Dip

 @@@@ (_) (_) (_)   Chocolate Chip cookies and Moo juice ;)

 (|=3D=3D=3D|)(|=3D=3D=3D|)   Hot dogs

 (m) (m) (_)  (_)  M&M's and Koolaid

 o  o  o  o  o   Single AND O O O O O Double Stuff Oreos!

 <) <) <) <) <)    Pizza!

 c(__) c(__)   Steaming mugs of hot cocoa!

       //
  (****)    RootBeer Float!
  \     /
   l__I

 [|||]D  [|||]D    Root Beer!

 (_)D (_)D     Freshly brewed coffee!

 [_]D [_]D    Ice cold beer!

 [Y]   [Y]    Champagne!

 \%/             Martini!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 04:34:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sense and NonSense <adult humor>

*   "Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend
  when she least expects it ?" asked the older brother.
    "Oh hell !" replied the younger sibling with the swollen
  eye.  I thought you said 'where'."
                                - - - - -

*   "Don't you think he dresses nattily ?" asked the English
  Major coed of her roommate, as they both sat on the dorm steps
  and watched a campus stud strut by.
    "Natalie who ?" the Business Major student asked.
                                - - - - -

*   The Yuppette announced to her parents that she was about to
  enter wedlock again, for the third time.
    "Oh ?" responded her Father, "Against whom ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Almost as pitiable as the fellow who was tried and found
  wanting is the guy who wanted and was found trying.
                                - - - - -

*   I don't know, sometimes taking care of a lot of acreage, I
  feel like a gardener with meal and sex privileges.
                                - - - - -

* If ya think about it, all it really takes to separate the men
  from the boys is girls.
                                - - - - -

* I don't care what they say, I don't think "phone sex" is any
  fun at all, unless you happen to be in the same booth with her.
                                - - - - -

* Beware:  A lover who sez they'll go thru anything for ya usually
  has your bank account in mind.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 12:01:43 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bad Prose  <clean>

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is a literary competition for the
first paragraph of the worst novel ever written. There is an annual
general prize and prizes by category. The results are witty and quite
funny. Here's a couple of examples from the 1997 contest:

      Grand Prize Winner
The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite
sprawled across the bathroom floor, Detective Leary knew she had
committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle,
pushing down and twisting while she kept her thumb firmly
pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact
spot where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap
and swallow he entire contents of the bottle, thus ending her life.
        -- Artie Kalemeris, Fairfax, VA

      Winner: Fantasy
Prince Oryza's determined, handsome countenance was reflected
in the gleaming, polished steel of his sword, Gowayoff, as he hewed
valiantly at the armored sides of the dragon, which could only be
pierced by gleaming, polished steel and not the regular kind of steel,
which doesn't gleam as much, and isn't polished quite as well, but does
a pretty good job against your smaller dragons.
     --J. N. Pechota, Dulzura, CA

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 09:53:13 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Newspaper Bloopers (3rd of 4)

These are misprints or poorly worded phrases that have been printed in actual
news papers:
* Wanted: Used Paint.
* Feces won't close pool for a day again.
* Canned Kitten
* EPA might restrict amounts of weed killer in tap water.
* Six men, their faces covered with red bandanas, got out of a Cherokee
  carrying a knife, baseball bat, billy club, and rolling pin, said Davis,
  20. I knew when I saw the rolling pin that something bad was going down,
  Davis said.
* Free:farm kittens, ready to eat.
* Jello brand toilet tissue, regular, sugar free, fat free.
* Fireproof clothing factory burns to ground.
* Oatmeal rasin cookies: Ingredients- ham, water, pasturized cheese, salt,
  dried whey.
* Lost cat, last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club Shooting Range.
* Air board to study fast food emmisions.
* Fedral agents raid gun shop, find weapons.
* Main Street Pizza: we deliver, or pick up.
* Lose All your weight: Only $49.00.
* State prisons to replace easy open locks.
* Turkey smoked sausage: beef added for better flavor.
* Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the
  Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
* Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
  after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
* A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the
  face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans
  off each other's head.
* The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
  setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
* Homossassa, FL. A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job.
  After completing his application he then went to the section of the store
  that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. The attendent left for a
  moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police
  used the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 10:25:32 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: "I hit you, Tree" <offensive & a bit tasteless>

     This came from a friend.  I have no idea who originally wrote it.

TO BE SUNG TO THE TUNE, "I GOT YOU, BABE"

Mike: They say that we can't go down the hill,
      Before we go we really should write a will.

Sonny:Well I don't know if all that's true,
      Watch out for that bush, 'cause I think it really grew.

Sonny:Tree
Both: I hit you, tree.
      I hit you, tree.

Mike: They say football on skis is really dumb,
      Before we know it we'll both be very numb.

Sonny:I guess that's so, the wind's in our hair,
      You did the sitter, but baby I did Cher.

Sonny:Tree
Both: I hit you, tree.
      I hit you, tree.

Mike: I got flowers on my grave.
      It was stupid, but baby, we seemed brave.

Sonny:And we weren't drunk, just acting like clowns.
      We didn't see the tree, but we sure found the ground.

Mike: Don't let them say that we can't ski,
      We were doin' pretty good 'til we hit that goddamn tree.

Sonny:So I put my little hand on the branch,
      Thought I'd break my fall, but wound up buying the ranch.

Sonny:Tree
Both: I hit you, tree.
      I hit you, tree.

Sonny:I had Cher to hold my hand.
Mike: She had you then found a real man.
Sonny:I had Newt to think with me.
Mike: I had Ted to drink with me.
      I went and kissed that tree goodnight.
      Split my skull from left to right.
      I hit the tree, I can't let go.
      My blood is dripping on the snow.

Both: I hit you, tree.
      I hit you, tree.
      I hit you, tree.
      I hit you, tree.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 10:57:19 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: paternity <inoff>

  A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping
  wife and four children.  Three of the children are tall,
  good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly
  runt.

  "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest
  child really is mine.  I want to know the truth before I die, I
  will forgive you if--"

  The wife gently interrupts him.  "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no
  question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

  The man then dies, happy.

  The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about
  the other three."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 11:41:04 -0500
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: bumpersticker <crude>

Awful but funny: You've seen all those bumperstickers that say "mean people
suck", right? I saw a car this morning that had one of those on it. Next to
it was another sticker that said "nice people swallow"...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 11:58:26 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Another roads of Zambia joke

The following joke was provided by Alistair Scott of Switzerland
"lived in Zambia for over 20 years and loved the place."

   Drivers in Lusaka have a certain `panache' and pay little
attention to road signs or traffic lights (robots, as they call them
in that part of the world).

   A visitor, coming in by taxi from Lusaka International airport, is
terrified when his driver charges blithely through a succession of
red lights. Then the next set are green. To the visitor's amazement
the driver stops and waits.

   "Whatever are you doing?" the tourist asks. "You've just driven
through three reds, and now you stop at a green."

   "Of course," the driver says. "I don't want to get hit by some
idiot coming through on the red."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 12:49:59 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:offensive to Cowboy fans...

Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing
record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret
is. So, Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci,
"Coach, how is it that your team is so good?  What's your
secret?"  Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve,
who's your father's brother's nephew?" Young answers, "Why
coach, that's easy.  It's me."

Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry.
A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer
returns to Texas and the Cowboy work-out. He promptly calls over
Troy Aikman.  "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I
get back to you after practice on that one?" Switzer (disgusted)
says, "OK."

During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach
just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's
brother's nephew?"  Sanders: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"  After
practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer: "Coach, I think I've
got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders."  Switzer
(angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 13:33:01 -0600
From:    "Gregory R. Maes" <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: "I Hit You, Tree"  <Kennedy, Bono death related, bad taste>

                        "I Hit You, Tree"
   By Michael Kennedy & Sonny Bono

   Sung to the tune of "I've Got You, Babe"

   Mike:  They say that we can' t go down the hill,
      Before we go we really should write a will.

   Sonny: Well I don't know if all that's true,
            Watch out for that bush, 'cause I think it really grew.

   Sonny: Tree
   Both: I hit you, tree.
           I hit you, tree.

   Mike: They say football on skis is really dumb,
            Before we know it we'll both be very numb.

   Sonny: I guess that's so, the wind' s in our hair,
            You did the sitter, but baby I did Cher.

   Sonny: Tree
   Both:  I hit you, tree.
            I hit you, tree.

   Sonny: I got flowers on my grave.
            It was stupid.  We seemed brave.

   Mike: And we weren' t drunk, just acting like clowns.
           We didn' t see the tree, but we sure found the ground.

   Mike: Don't let them say that we can' t ski,
            We were doin' pretty good ' til we hit that goddamn
            tree.

   Sonny: So I put my little hand on the branch,
            Thought I' d break my fall, but wound up buying the
            ranch.

   Sonny: Tree
   Both: I hit you, tree.
           I hit you, tree.

   Sonny: I had Cher to hold my hand.
   Mike:  She had you then found a real man.
   Sonny: I had Newt to think with me.
   Mike: I had Ted to drink with me.
            I went and kissed that tree goodnight.
           Split my skull from left to right.
           I hit the tree, I can't let go.
           My blood is dripping on the snow.

   Both: I hit you, tree.
           I hit you, tree.
           I hit you, tree.
            I hit you, tree.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 15:02:50 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Top 15 rejected new slogans for NIKE

              The Top 15 Rejected New Nike Slogans

15> The Choice of a New Generation of Athletes & Criminals!

14> Nike: Selling Air To Stupid Kids For Over A Decade

13> Official Shoe of the Amistad

12> Because Adidas Suck

11> THEY sweat... so YOU can sweat!

10> Got swoosh?

 9> Just buy the damn shoes, for cryin' out loud!

 8> They go on your feet, Einstein

 7> C'mon -- The rent can wait, and food is overrated anyway

 6> Safer than skis

 5> For a Limited Time:  6.9% financing for 36 months

 4> Buy the shoes, or we bulldoze their village

 3> Just Do It, or I'll put your lazy 10-cent-a-day ass in
    a vice and get another 3rd-world slave to do it!

 2> Worth Killin' For!

    and the Number 1 Rejected New Nike Slogan...

 1> Yo -- The Crips told us your gang isn't man enough to
    buy 10 pairs of our shoes.


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 01:14:51 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Body Adornment....

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone.  "I know it's
something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are
a good idea.  And the same goes for body piercing.  As long as you're
living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."

I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.  Then came the
'coup de grace':  "Besides, Ma, you're 75 years old!  You don't NEED a
tattoo!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Jan 1998 01:18:22 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Crowd Control

The Western Australian Police have just launched a new unit that roves
around dealing with trouble spots. It was launched on New Year's Eve with
an assignment to control crowds at a large concert; it made the TV news,
with an officer proudly saying they were the:
  "Fast Action Response Team"

(Gotta love that acronym.)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jan 1998 to 14 Jan 1998
************************************************
