HUMOR Digest - 12 Jan 1998 to 13 Jan 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 620 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke Clean:The Throughbreds
  2. Things You Wish You'd Hear
  3. Classified ads <clean>
  4. Brickbats: Soft-shelled humor with bad motives
  5. Thus spake the Oracle...
  6. Experiment (possibly off. to freeloaders)
  7. Humor - Newspaper Bloopers (2nd of 4)
  8. I messed up. Incase you were wondering update. Please read.
  9. Sad News
 10. Quips & Quotes
 11. Top5 - 1/13/98 - Pet Peeves of James Bond
 12. Pearly Gates Again <adult>

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Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 00:02:32 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean:The Throughbreds

A famous movie star decided he would increase his considerable fortune
by raising thoroughbred horses. He bought a ranch in Kentucky, bought
several promising young horses, and hired someexperts to raise them
while he followed other pursuits. He quickly found, however, that the
money flow was only in one direction, out of his pocket. He decided to
make a surprise visit to his ranch, and found to his horror, that he
had been financing a gentle retirement home for lazy race horses. Each
horse gave clear evidence of living a wholly sedentary life. The horses
were grossly overweight . Moreover, they were so unused to moving rapidly
that many small birds had built nests in their hair, and these birds were
busy raising their young. He was incensed and fired all his ranch hands.
Next, he grabbed a ladder and garden rake, and he started cleaning up his
horses, ripping the bird nests from off their backs. In his anger, he
gave these now immortal instructions to his new helpers. "BEAST IS BEAST,
AND NEST IS NEST, AND NEVER THE MANE SHALL TWEET!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 03:27:20 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Things You Wish You'd Hear

>From your daughter/son:
   "I really appreciate the benefit of your wisdom"
   "Yes, I agree completely -- as usual, you're right"
   "I really don't care what the other kids are doing"

>From your daughter/son's preschool teacher:
   "Everyone misbehaved today, except Jimmy/Sandy"
   "Jimmy/Sandy traded his/her candy bar for carrot sticks"
   "I wish we had 20 Jimmy/Sandy's"

>From your daughter/son's elementary school teacher:
   "Jimmy/Sandy really knows how to interact with others"
   "I can't seem to teach him/her fast enough, they're so eager"
   "Jimmy/Sandy's excellent behavior is a fine reflection on you"

>From your daughter/son's high school teacher:
   "Jimmy/Sandy is now qualified for a full college scholarship"
   "I can't see wasting years here, they should enter college now"
   "Jimmy/Sandy is excelling in both sports and their studies"

>From your auto mechanic:
  "That part is much less expensive than I thought"
  "I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do"
  "It was just a loose wire -- no charge"

>From a tire dealer:
   "Sir, those tires have plenty of tread left"
   "Yes indeed, your warranty covers that"
   "Your car's front end alignment is perfect"

>From a store clerk:
   "The computer's down.  I'll just add your purchases manually"
   "Yes, it was defective. We'll pick it up & bring you a new one"
   "Actually Wal-Mart has the same exact item a lot cheaper"

>From a contractor:
   "Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing"
   "I think I came in way too high on that estimate"
   "Looks like we're gonna be done a week or so early"

>From a doctor:
   "Well, I wish I were in as good a shape as you"
   "Actually, I think you're the perfect weight for your height"
   "All of your test results were text-book perfect"

>From a dentist:
   "I think you're flossing way too much"
   "I won't ask any questions while I'm working in your mouth"
   "Yes, the topless hygienist is really quite thorough"

>From a restaurant server:
   "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name"
   "I was slow and inattentive --  I cannot accept any tip"
   "Dessert's on the house"

>From the Internal Revenue Service:
   "I've audited your last 10 tax returns -- we owe you a bundle"
   "I've never looked at it that way -- you're 100% correct"
   "I agree -- the forms and the tax laws are way too confusing"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 13:15:07 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Classified ads <clean>

* To the woman who stole my heart: Please bring it back. It is an
overused old organ without any real commercial value, but I am kind
of attached to it. If you return it, I'll withdraw the charges and
present you with a suitable reward.

* You took my breath away. Now, give it back, I need it.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 12:42:01 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats: Soft-shelled humor with bad motives

Thanks to the rude couple for refusing to remove their bored
3-year-old from Sunday's last perfomrance of "The Nutcracker." You
ruined a special gift. I wanted to kick slap and scream at you even
more than your son actually did.

Thirty minutes of begging should not be considered foreplay.

The last accurate weather forecast: When God told Noah to build a
ship.

Standing in the express line Publix grocery store, I noticed the guy
in front of me had three piles of 10 items each. He said, "It's okay,
I have multiple personalities."

Help! My inertia is gaining momentum!

Everyone says I'm going bald. I just call it hair displacement.

Sign in a bra store: "Come in and let us help you fix your flats."

A New Year's day hangover can be defined as "the wrath of grapes."

Since I always break my new Year's resolutions, this year, I've
resolved to gain weight and never go to the gym. I doing pretty good
for a change.

I was raised in a 2 bedroom house. Slept in same bed with my 3
brothers. I didn't sleep alone until I got married.

I've been married for 25 years and just found out I was bisexual. If
I want it, I got to buy it!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 12:12:24 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Thus spake the Oracle...

A long time ago there existed an internet oracle.  You could ask it any
question and if you were lucky enough it would answer you.  The following
is a copy of a question to the oracle and the response it received.

Subject: Cats vs. buttered bread
Date: Thursday, October 14, 1993 1:22PM

 > If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the
   floor butter-side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window
   or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet.

 > But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side
   up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window?
   Will the cat land on it's feet?  Or will the butter splat on
   the ground?


And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

 - Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
   able to deduce the obvious result.  The laws of butterology demand
   that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of
   feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.
   If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
   resolve this paradox.  Therefore it simply does not fall.
 
   That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
   you have discovered the secret of antigravity!  A buttered cat will,
   when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
   cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium
   point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing
   lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

   Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
   principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system.  The
   loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of
   several hundred tabbies.

   The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
   bread off their backs they will instantly plummet.  Of course the cats
   will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
   since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
   red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.


* "In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of
   people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
       ---"The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 14:17:15 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Experiment (possibly off. to freeloaders)

I heard a funny story the other week which I thought that you might
enjoy -- it is a true story.  Some of the psychology students at the
university decided to set up an experiment.  They left a dumpster in
a [city] street and put some desirable items in it -- the idea was to
see how many people would just help themselves to the contents.  They
set up a camera to film the results.  Later on my friend's brother,
Seth and his friend, Paul (I've changed their names) walked past.

Seth saw something in the dumpster which he wanted, so he walked up to
the house that the dumpster outside and asked if he could have the item.
The student said yes he could, but could he creep up to the dumpster
and act as if he was stealing it, as they were filming this for a class
experiment.  Seth said no way! he has a reputation to consider and didn't
want to be on film "stealing" from a dumpster -- and anyway he had asked
permission to take the item.  The student said that if he wanted the item,
that is what he would have to do.  Seth walked off in disgust and without
the item.  Seth and Paul got to thinking and being practical jokers
themselves decided to get back in kind.  They got a sack and cut armholes
into it, then Seth climbed into the sack, putting his arms through the
holes so that it was obvious that a body was inside.  Then Paul slung Seth
over his shoulder, crept furtively up to the dumpster, looked suspiciously
up and down the road, then threw the "body" in and ran away.

Seth lay there for a while, then sat up slowly like a corpse in a horror
film, climbed out of the dumpster, waved to the camera and walked away.
Unfortunately, the students panicked when they saw the "body" thrown in
the dumpster and called the police.  When Seth and Paul came back to play
another trick (they had a sack each this time and were planning to jump up
to the dumpster like kangaroos, look at the stuff inside, shake their
heads at it, then jump off again) they found the police searching through
the dumpster for a body, so they decided to quietly walk away.

The whole thing was caught on film and used in a local TV program. The host
of the show was doubled up with laughter when she saw it.


* If you decide to use this story in your mailings - The name of the
  University has been left out and the names of the students changed.
  The students and the local police would like to find out who played
  this trick on them!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 14:19:53 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Newspaper Bloopers (2nd of 4)

These are misprints or poorly worded phrases that have been printed in actual
news papers:
* Stock up and save. Limit: one.
* We build bodies that last a lifetime.
* For Rent:6-room hated apartment.
* Man, honest. Will take anything.
* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
* Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
* 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
  smacks included.
* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
  go anywhere again.
* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
  and salary.
* Wanted:Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
  housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
  beating.
* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
* And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
  unrivaled inconvenience.
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
* Wanted: somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get
  paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not garanteed.
  I have only done this once before.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 17:03:14 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: I messed up. Incase you were wondering update. Please read.

 Re: "incase you were wondering" message.
        *On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over
         the Parliament building is an American flag.*

The flag flying over the parliament building on a Canadian 2
dollar bill is NOT an American flag.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 18:52:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Sad News

Veteran Pillsbury Spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest
ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including
Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker,
and the Hostess Twinkies.

The Gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima
gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he
was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life
was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty
old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his
second wife. They have two children and one in the oven.  The funeral
was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


---
Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 12:02:43 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes

QUIPS & QUOTES

ADA, n.:  Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
awareness."

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:  Don't worry if it doesn't work
right.  If everything did, you'd be out of a job.

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me.  --Hunter S. Thompson

Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.  --Earl Wilson

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
door.

What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?

Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.  --John Barrymore's dying words

Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

What I tell you three times is true.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.  --Ogden Nash

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.  --R. Geis

Everything you know is wrong!

Now is the time for all good men to come to.  --Walt Kelly

Mr. Cole's Axiom:  The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a
constant; the population is growing.

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

Hoare's Law of Large Problems:  Inside every large problem is a small
problem struggling to get out.

A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in
than some that do.  --Dennis M. Ritchie

The Abrams' Principle:  The shortest distance between two points is off
the wall.

... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.  --Mike Harding,
"The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!

The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
thinkers.

Kin, n.:  An affliction of the blood

God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.  --National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"

Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.

Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.

Optimization hinders evolution.

Some points to remember [about animals]:  1. Don't go to sleep under big
animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put
animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your
clothes; 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or
dogs you have just kicked.  --Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's
Almanac"

Bradley's Bromide:  If computers get too powerful, we can organize them
into a committee -- that will do them in.

Egotist, n.:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than
me.  --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space
travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.  --Robert Heinlein

---
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 22:41:43 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 1/13/98 - Pet Peeves of James Bond

                        January 13, 1998
              The Top 16 Pet Peeves of James Bond

16> Tomorrow Never Dies, and neither does this blasted cold sore.

15> Despite being knighted by the Queen, still can't get a date
    with Baby Spice.

14> Getting harder and harder to use his
    nuclear-powered-heat-seeking-homing-device-in-a-cigarette in
    California.

13> Q's latest gadget only locates your car keys.

12> Just when you think you've finally found the right girl to
    settle down with, she tries to jam a pen into your throat.

11> His car may be a computerized, kick-ass arsenal, but try
    putting a Super Big Gulp in the cup holder.

10> Morons at Jiffy Lube always pouring windshield washer fluid
    in the Napalm tank.

 9> Embarrassing to have girlfriend's name paged when separated
    at WalMart.

 8> If his neighbor pulls that "Finkelbaum.  Morris Finkelbaum"
    crap one more time, he's getting an ice pick in the forehead.

 7> New Bond girl, RuPaul, always kicking his ass at arm
    wrestling.

 6> Studio budget cutbacks have him at the wheel of a souped-up
    1976 Gremlin with new Bond girl, Bea Arthur.

 5> Post-Cold War villains?  The evil Dr. Hemorrhoid and the
    Tucks Twins.

 4> Always looks like a ninny in Sean Connery's big-ass shoes.

 3> Wet spot in bed usually contains bullet hole.

 2> Picture on "License to Kill" looks terrible.

    and the Number 1 Pet Peeve of James Bond...

 1> Increasing competition for beautiful women spies from
    American agent Double-Chin-Bubba.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Jan 1998 11:53:27 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Pearly Gates Again <adult>

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding
in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the
three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven,
where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't
know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,
then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings,"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher
disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the
Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician
disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

And the idiot went to Heaven...

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Jan 1998 to 13 Jan 1998
************************************************
