HUMOR Digest - 11 Jan 1998 to 12 Jan 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 390 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Changing Times
  2. incase you were wondering....
  3. Humor - Newspaper Bloopers (1st of 4)
  4. Joke Rated: Plumbing (Objectionable language)
  5. Math vs. Gin
  6. Assasin recruitment <clean>
  7. At The University <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Jan 1998 03:33:28 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Changing Times

* I'm not so sure that evolution is indeed a valid theory.  I
  mean think about it -- if it were, wouldn't all blondes have
  grown handles by now ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Two young sexy singers were sipping stingers at Chasen's
  in Hollywood. "You remember that backless, frontless, sideless
  evening gown I wore to the awards last week ?"
    "Sure !" replied the other. "It was a sensation."
    "Well...  I just found out it's a belt."
                                - - - - -

*   "May I be of some help Mr. Gates ?" asked the impeccably
  attired, haughty salesman in the new car showroom.
    "Yep." replied Bill.  "My wife isn't feeling all that well.
  What have you got in the way of a get-well car ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Pity the two lil' Hollywood boys who couldn't even exchange
  their taunts the way boys do the world over.
    "My Father can beat-up your Father." boasted one.
    "You big silly." laughed the second slightly older boy. "Your
  Father IS my Father."
                                - - - - -

*   Watch out for one new expression in the Yuppie set.  If you
  hear that someone is truly "electric", that means everything
  they own is charged.
                                - - - - -

*   Two Yuppettes met for lunch and were talking about a couple
  they both knew who had announced their plans to get remarried.
    "It was just one of those divorces that didn't work out."
  said the one sadly.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Jan 1998 15:36:31 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: incase you were wondering....

 * All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
 * On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
   building is an American flag.
 * If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.
 * No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
   purple.
 * "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
 * All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
   the back of the $5 bill.
 * Almonds are members of the peach family.
 * Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
 * Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
 * There are only four words in the English language which end
   in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
 * The longest place-name still in use is:
   Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai-
   wenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
 * Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
   Angeles de Porciuncula" & can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
 * A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
 * An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
 * Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
 * In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
   watch is 10:10.
 * Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
 * The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
 * The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
   who fathered over 160 children.
* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
   the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful
   Life"
 * A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
 * A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
 * On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
   left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden
   in the front upper right-hand corner.
 * The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
 * Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme?  Why it's
   Paul Reiser himself.
 * The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8
   miles away.
 * The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
   creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
   hence "Oz."
 * The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
   and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
 * Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
 * John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
 * The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
 * There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
 * "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left
   hand.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Jan 1998 19:01:30 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Newspaper Bloopers (1st of 4)

These are misprints or poorly worded phrases that have been printed in actual
news papers:

* Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
* Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
  waitresses in appetizing forms.
* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
* For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
  drawers. * Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
  home, too.
* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
* For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
* Great Dames for sale.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
  Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
  Chopin.
* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
  the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
  athletic facilities.
* Get rid of aunts:Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
  of women wear nothing else.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Jan 1998 00:11:52 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Rated: Plumbing (Objectionable language)

Except for their exellent remuneration, a plumber's life is not a happy
thing.  As well as the cruddy esthetic aspects of this profession,
plumbers have to deal with lead exposure, and most terrible of all,
blocked pipes. Since the days of the Ancient Roman Empire, these
artisans have worked to develop technology to clear the drains. A site
in the plumbing needing particular attention is the place where the pipes
make a sharp turn or bend. Here is where the most severe blockages occur.
Here is the point at which most developmental activity has occurred. One
of the lesser known but more successful technologies to clear pipe bends
that are blocked has to do with the proper application of high air
pressure and red paint (lead-based, of course).

There are those who can explain how the technique actually works. Perhaps,
it is a solvating effect of the pigment. Perhaps red paint just weighs
more; perhaps it is a pigment of their imagination. Nevertheless, when
the red paint is poured into the blocked pipe & allowed to stand for a
few hours, the application of air pressure almost always relieves the
blockade.

The clearing of the block at the bent pipe is usually accompanied by a
sound very reminiscent of a gigantic, juicy raspberry, or Bronx cheer.
It is this sound that signals the plumber that it is time to present the
bill. Everything is OK. This technique is so effective that there is a
related maxim within the trade: STOOLS GUSH IN WHERE ANGLES FARTED RED.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Jan 1998 21:56:29 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Math vs. Gin

THEY'RE TEACHING MATH AT GUNPOINT IN SCHOOL
by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, February 3, 1997

I used to drink gin and I used to take math classes.  Frankly, the gin
did me a lot more good.

That doesn't mean I think the public schools should require gin
drinking.  And I don't think they should require more math either.

Well, perhaps they should teach more math to some students -- but maybe
not to everybody.  Nonetheless, there is a movement afoot in these
several states to declare math and science so crucial in all our lives
that all children, regardless of interest, aptitude or need, should be
required to study a lot more math and science.

Cooking is also important in all of our lives, especially when you
consider the drawbacks to eating raw chickens.  But that doesn't mean we
are all cut out to become cooks.

Nor should we all study a lot of medicine just because doctors and
nurses are such a pleasure to have around if you happen to break a leg
or some other favorite organ.

And we shouldn't all study law just because, at any given time in
America, half the population is suing the other half, often over what
some doctor did to somebody's favorite organ.

Nonetheless, there is a movement in the state legislatures to require
all children to take more math -- throwing out required classes in
physical education and the humanities to make room for it.  Actually, I
understand some of the urges of the academic technocrats behind these
obsessions.  We all believe our own realm is so crucial to the future of
the republic that it should be crammed down the throats of every child
in America, ready or not.

That's why I'm against dictatorship, academic or otherwise.  I'm afraid
if I became dictator I would have every student in America writing
English essays every day for all 12 years they're in school.  If I were
dictator, I would have people shot for not loving English as much as I
do.

But in saner moments, I doubt that prejudice toward my own poison.  In
saner moments, I notice that the more formal schooling in writing that
English Ph.D.s have, the less of what they write I understand.

Scientists and mathematicians are currently in the saddle in American
education and mostly should be.  We have entered a technological
future.  But we all need to recognize, even as we spread the gospel of
our own professional passions, that there are indeed different strokes
for different folks.  We aren't all cut out for every field of study.

English is God's truth here on Earth.  But I'm not sure I want auto
mechanics -- or other scientists -- wasting too much time learning the
difference between an infinitive and a gerund.  I would rather have them
learning the difference between a broken carburetor and one that works.

And you probably should cram some Shakespeare down my throat if I think
I want to be a writer when I grow up.  But let's not turn a jolly guy
like Bill Shakespeare into a god and assume nobody is complete without
wading through all that antique language.

Perhaps it is my ignorance on parade, but I have rarely wished I had
more than the rudimentary arithmetic -- and the pocket calculator --
with which I go through life.  I encounter 1,000 times as many instances
when I wish I knew more Spanish (or auto mechanics) than instances when
I wish I knew more math or Shakespeare.

Granted, we all need a taste of every subject, if for no other reason
than to decide what we want to be when we grow up, what we are cut out
for.  And we have to have some understanding of each other if we are to
work together in life without too much snarling.  But this recent
attempt to declare every one a scientist or a mathematician, rather than
merely declare everyone a beneficiary of those trades, indicates a poor
-- even an unscientific -- grasp of human potential and how best to use
it.

Math is like gin.  Some people dig it.  And in moderation, it lightens
life's load and does some people a lot of good.  But when excessively
served, it makes some people dull, robbing them of reason and
productivity.

I used to drink gin.  I'd like to tell you how much of it I drank over
the years but first I have to find my pocket calculator.

Meanwhile, mathematicians are sincerely joyful at the thought of
juggling numbers, though that remains a mystery to me.  As Shakespeare
said, "To business that we love we rise betime, and go to't with
delight."

Whatever that means.  Sometimes that guy really could be pretty murky.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Jan 1998 19:23:35 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Assasin recruitment <clean>

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot
of  testing and background checks involved before you can even be
considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the
background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible
choices down to 3 men, but  only one  position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the
extremely secretive job.  The CIA men administering the test took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know
that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances", they explained.  "Inside this room, you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife!".

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for
this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  "We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances", they explained to the second man, "Inside you will
find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door
opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to
shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I
guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes.  Take your
wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test.  Again they lead him to the
same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure
that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,
this is your final test.Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The third man took the gun and opened the door.  Before the door even
closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing.  One shot
after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  This went on
for several minutes, then all went quiet.  The door opened slowly, and
there stood the third man.

He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the
gun was loaded with blanks!  I had to beat the bitch to death with the
chair!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Jan 1998 12:02:16 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: At The University <adult>

At the Polish Agricultural university (P.A.U), the Professor was
talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the
class asked:
"Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?"
The Professor answered,
"Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your
boobs for two hours and didn't fuck you afterwards,you'll look depressed too!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Jan 1998 to 12 Jan 1998
************************************************
