HUMOR Digest - 10 Jan 1998 to 11 Jan 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 411 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Household Finances
  2. SOO-EE; ILLICT; FEEDING THE CAT <all inoff though second joke involves
     adult sit
  3. Humor - Crazy Law Suits (2nd of 2)
  4. Joke Clean: Alien Hearts
  5. Humor in a short form: observations & questions
  6. 100 reasons why it's great to be a guy
  7. I havn't had it in so long
  8. Stock Market...(off. to many investors)

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Date:    Sat, 10 Jan 1998 04:09:03 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Household Finances

* Harried wife, figuring at desk, to husband and children:
  "Well, I worked out a budget.  But one of us will have to go."
                                - - - - -

* Husband, peering at a stack of bills: "Well, it's finally
  happened.  There's a payment due on something every day."
                                - - - - -

* Wife to Husband: "All right !  I admit I like to go shopping
  and spend money...  but name one other extravagance."
                                - - - - -

* Wife to husband, working on budget: "Perhaps we could borrow a
  little every month, and put that aside."
                                - - - - -

* Husband to wife discussing dental bills: "Maybe we get a some
  kind of book and straighten their teeth ourselves."
                                - - - - -

* Wife, looking at checkbook: "Of course it balances.  The checks
  total up to the exact amount we're overdrawn."
                                - - - - -

* Wife to husband who's frowning over a pile of bills: "Do what
  the government does, raise the debt ceiling."
                                - - - - -

* Husband looking up from newspaper: "What happened between you
  & the merchants ?  I see business was down for December."
                                - - - - -

* Husband to daughter's beau: "Glad to finally meet you.  I've
  noticed you in our food budget for some time now."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 10 Jan 1998 10:45:14 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: SOO-EE; ILLICT; FEEDING THE CAT <all inoff though second joke involves
         adult sit

SOO-EE

    One day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came by and hit a
bump in the road.  As the truck sped away, a crate fell off.  The man ran over
to see what was in the crate.  When he opened it, he found a pig.  Unsure what
to do, he asked a police officer, who suggested the man take the pig to the
local zoo.

    A few days later the police officer noticed the same man driving by, so he
pulled the guy over to ask what had occurred with the pig.  To the cop's
surprise, he found the pig sitting  next to the guy on the front seat.  The
pig was upright, properly seat-belted in, and wearing a baseball cap!  Between
the man and the pig there was a six-pack of beer and some popcorn.  "Good
afternoon officer!" the man said.  The pig looked over and gave a couple
polite snorts.

    The stunned officer said, "I thought I told you to bring that pig to the
zoo!"

        The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun, today we're going to the ball game!!"
				-----------------------

 ILLICIT

A woman is in bed with her lover . . . who also happens to be her husband's
best friend.  They make love for hours.  As they lie there afterward, the
phone rings.  They're at her house, so she answers.  As her lover listens, she
says,  "Hello?  Oh, hi.  Really?  That's great.  I'm happy for you. Sounds
terrific. Great. Thanks.  Okay.
See you tomorrow.  Bye."

        She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

        "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband, telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
				-----------------------

  FEEDING THE CAT

A man and his grown daughter go fishing but only catch one small fish.  It's
not enough to feed them, yet it would be a shame to throw it out, so they
decide to feed it to the cat.

The man puts the fish in the cat food dish, but kitty turns up her nose at it.
Thinking quickly, the daughter picks up the dish and walks over to the kitchen
counter.  Putting the dish down on the counter, she runs the electric can
opener for several seconds, then puts the dish back in place.  The cat chows
right down.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 Jan 1998 10:56:06 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Crazy Law Suits (2nd of 2)

Copied from Ann Landers' column:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Dear Ann Landers: So you like ``crazy lawsuits''? In the three years I
have been writing the Random Nuts column for Graffiti magazine, I've
collected some doozies and am pleased to pass some of the best along to
you. Here they are:

* A 73-year-old Milwaukee woman claimed she became sexually attracted to
other women and started having spontaneous orgasms after an electric bingo
scoreboard fell on her head. The woman asked for $90,000 from the church
where the bingo game took place, but the judge threw out her case because
she refused to undergo a court-ordered psychological examination.

* A woman in Israel is suing a TV weather forecaster because she says his
prediction of sunny skies caused her to go out in the rain and catch the
flu.

* Environmentalists in Japan filed suit on behalf of a flock of geese in an
attempt to get the government to earmark funds for wetlands preservation,
but a judge ruled that geese can't sue anybody.

* A worker at a truck plant in Virginia sued his employer after it
suspended him for attacking its mascot. The worker lost it when an actor
dressed as a giant rooster and hired by the automaker to discourage
tardiness, snuck up behind the worker and crowed. The judge ruled in the
worker's favor, noting that ``the bird had it coming.''

I hope your readers will enjoy these. -- John Wehrle, Random Nuts editor,
Graffiti Magazine, Charleston, W.Va.

Dear John: Thanks for some beauts. I have been accused of making these
stories up, but nothing could compare to what goes on in real life.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 Jan 1998 10:56:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Alien Hearts

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on earth, as they were
virtually <immortal.It> was believed that this was due to the fact that
every Foy had five large hearts. This Foy, however, was forlorn because
of an unattainable love affair and had lost the will to live. Maude
Stevens, earth's foremost zenobiologist, wished to study the Foy's hearts
to deterrmine the cause of their longevity, but had been unable to do so
because of the Foy's taboo against dismemberment.

She asked Ray Jones, the Foy's only human friend for help. Roy spoke to
the Foy, telling him that if he consented to the autopsy, the Mormon
Tabernacle Chior, led by John Harold, would sing a dirge for him that
would be powereful enough to transfer his soul immediately to his home
planet of Sortibackenstrete. The Foy did not make an immediate decision
until the last minute, when on his deathbed he called his friend to his
side and told him,
GIVE MY BIG HEARTS TO MAUDE, RAY. DISMEMBER ME FOR HAROLD'S CHOIR.
TELL ALL THE FOYS ON SORTIBACKENSTRETE THAT I WILL SOON BE THERE..."

(Thanks to Isac Asimov for this story)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 Jan 1998 14:30:18 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Humor in a short form: observations & questions

Watch out Sadaam Husein, the U.S. Government has petitioned the Post
Office to take you out.

To all those tree huggers, try wipeing with plastic toilet paper!

The doctor told my wife that if I could get a home cooked meal and
sex once a week I would get well. She told me I was gonna die.

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather;
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I really had the urge to get in a good fight, so I signed my whole
family up to be on the Jerry Springer Show.

Ever wonder what would happen if the people you lie to on the
internet found out who you really are?

There's a saying in Washington that if you're not completely
confused, then you're totally uninformed.

When it snows, do the home school kids get the day off?

Roses are red, Violet is blue. That's because Violet is a nudist in
Alaska.

I always try to count my blessing, but I am no good at fractions.

---
These items were selected from the pages of the Atlanta Journal
Constitution's The Vent http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 Jan 1998 15:08:17 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 100 reasons why it's great to be a guy

  1.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2.  Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3.  You know stuff about tanks.
  4.  A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5.  Monday Night Football.
  6.  You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
  7.  Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  8.  You can open all your own jars.
  9.  Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
 10.  Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
 11.  When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every
      shot of someone crying.
 12.  Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
 13.  All your orgasms are real.
 14.  A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
 15.  Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
 16.  You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
      go.
 17.  You understand why Stripes is funny.
 18.  You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
 19.  Your last name stays put.
 20.  You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
 21.  When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
      secretly hates you.
 22.  You can kill your own food.
 23.  The garage is all yours.
 24.  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
 25.  You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
 26.  Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
 27.  You never have to clean the toilet.
 28.  You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
 29.  Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
 30.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
 31.  If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
      be your friend.
 32.  Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
 33.  The National College Cheerleading Championship
 34.  None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
 35.  You don't have to shave below your neck.
 36.  You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
 37.  If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
 38.  You can write your name in the snow.
 39.  You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
 40.  Everything on your face stays its original color.
 41.  Chocolate is just another snack.
 42.  You can be president.
 43.  You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
 44.  Flowers fix everything.
 45.  You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
 46.  You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
 47.  You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
 48.  Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
 49.  You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
 50.  You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
 51.  Foreplay is optional.
 52.  Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
 53.  Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the  room.
 54.  You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
 55.  You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
      coming by.
 56.  You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
 57.  Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 58.  You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
 59.  You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
      even thinking: He must be mad at me.
 60.  The world is your urinal.
 61.  You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
      about to leave you.
 62.  You get to jump up and slap stuff.
 63.  Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
 64.  One mood, all the time.
 65.  You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like
      him.
 66.  You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
      just too skeevy.
 67.  You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
 68.  You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
 69.  Same work....more pay.
 70.  Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
 71.  You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
      adjustment.
 72.  Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
 73.  You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
 74.  With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
      population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
 75.  You don't mooch off others' desserts.
 76.  If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
 77.  The remote is yours and yours alone.
 78.  People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
 79.  ESPN's sports center.
 80.  You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
 81.  Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
 82.  You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
 83.  You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
 84.  You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
 85.  If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
      your friends you've changed.
 86.  Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
 87.  You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
 88.  If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
      become lifelong buddies.
 89.  Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
 90.  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
 91.  You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
      the mood.
 92.  You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
 93.  If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
      and throw it across the room.
 94.  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
 95.  Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
 96.  You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and  anniversaries.
 97.  Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with  them.
 98.  Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice
      anything different?"
 99.  Baywatch
 100. There is always a game on somewhere.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 Jan 1998 16:52:46 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: I havn't had it in so long

     I know I haven't known you for a very long time and I shouldn't
     be asking  you for this so soon, but I need it very badly. I
     haven't had it for a long  time and I can already feel it going
     in good and hard and coming out nice  and soft. If you would do
     this for me, no one would ever know. I am sure  you can satisfy
     my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very
     desperate and I need your help. You must think I have a lot of
     nerve, but I  can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking
     out all the juice until it's very dry. It has been on my mind all
     day and I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore...........

.... Can I have a piece of gum

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Jan 1998 00:08:50 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Stock Market...(off. to many investors)

NYSE ADMITS: THIS IS ALL MAKE BELIEVE NEW YORK--
New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting
that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the nation's economic
health is measured, is in reality a made-up and largely random mishmash of
numbers and meaningless statistics. "The whole 'stock exchange' idea came
about around the turn of the century at the request of publisher William
Randolph Hearst, who was looking for something to fill the back half of his
New York Journal," NYSE's Ian Silver said. "So a man named Henry Tillman
came up with the idea of a 'stock-ticker' device, which spewed out reams of
bogus numbers for Hearst to reprint." NYSE has no plans to disband.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Jan 1998 to 11 Jan 1998
************************************************
